DH has developed a strange relationship with his Sister

[AnonFox]

It baffles me. His Sister is abusive and has all the traits of a narcissist. Everytime we visit she has to insult someone, in most cases DH and their Mom. She controls the house. Everything has to go her way otherwise she’ll throw a massive tantrum. She makes every situation about herself, if she doesn’t like someone else’s plans she’ll instantly shut them down and try change them to suit herself, no one else’s options matter.

Before DD was born she barely contacted DH, she wasn’t bothered about spending time with him. When she found out I was pregnant she bought a ton of things, which yes was nice but she wouldn’t tell us what was bought or include me and it pretty much made me feel like a surrogate because I couldn’t get anything for my first child.

She emotionally blackmailed my DH sobbing saying she needs to ‘bond’ with DD. At this time she was only around 4 weeks old, I did not feel comfortable and didn’t want to hand DD over as she was coming across creepy and their dog aggressively launched at DD on a visit. DH eventually wore me down, ignoring how I felt, probably because he was too tired to care and she was left with DD a few hours… DD ended up being sick for several days straight.

His Sister suddenly kept contacting him, stopped contacting me even though it was only small talk here and there previously. He said no to babysitting because I wasn’t comfortable. He became distance, mostly ignored my feelings and started shutting me down as soon as I said anything so I felt like I couldn’t speak… his behaviour completely changed.

I accidentally saw a message on his phone, her slating me about me holding my own DD for too long, not giving her back to her and him apologising for what I did. Although I was breastfeeding and she started playing my her phone like she didn’t care… even though I did ask if she’d like to hold DD again after awhile… honestly it pissed me off and paranoid I ended up finding more messages of similar nature, even some of him slating me about going back to work, that I’ll have to go on the ‘corner’ if I don’t.

I stopped looking. Put it to the back of my head, things were okay for awhile, however I recently had a bad feeling since I told her no. I looked (it’s been very long time since) and more slating, DH didn’t defend me once although she practically called me a bad Mother just because she didn’t get her own way.

We eventually ended up in a fight because again he was fussing over his Sister, she making something about herself again. Everything came up, he completely sided with his Sister and shutdown anything I had to say, obviously texting her mid argument. You have no idea how much it hurt. I adore my DD, she’s happy and content, I am not a bad Mother. DH has always said I’m an amazing Mother so why would he not defend me or see why I’m hurt?

He’s not the same person anymore, I feel like his constant daily messages with his Sister have warped him over time, either that or I just didn’t see what he was really like. Now I have to ‘get on’ with his Sister otherwise he doesn’t know we can move forward… I have been nothing but civil until this point, even with what I’ve read, I’ve put up with both of their behaviours, there’s only so much someone can deal with.

I’m aware I shouldn’t have bottled so much up but I felt like I couldn’t speak and because I have well here we are. I was depressed and had anxiety before but now suffering at deeply, I’m also pregnant. Honestly I feel like it isn’t going to work if my myself and my own little family doesn’t come first to him.

Thoughts?

Caveat with there are two sides to every story, but taking it at face value, you are saying your sister in law is disturbed and potentially harmed your baby so she was sick for days?

If that is your view then all contact stops. No discussion. I'd leave and get a restraining order before I'd let anyone harm my child.

Hi I think this is totally weird. It’s your DH sister so an auntie I mean she can love your baby and want to spend time with her but this seems really odd and possessive. I had this with my STXH sister she is controlling and demanded time with my kids when they were very little in the end i had to just tell her to stop.
But it’s not good if your DH is slating you in this way. It’s not good for a marriage, it’s not the reason we are divorcing but it was very difficult dealing with his sister and family in general and I have a lot more peace now. I would think about your future and if this is a right situation for you.

Leave him.

He's completely under her thrall, he won't change. This is not a marriage, he's not on your side.

On the face of it she sounds unhinged and I wouldn't be letting my DD anywhere near her.

Why would anyone insist on being with a baby on their own against a parents wishes...and she was I'll for several days after. The dog. The messages with your DH.

Too many red flags.

She sounds completely unhinged. Get away from them all including ‘D’H

Is your DH called Nate and your SIL Georgia?

This is what narcissists do. They make people argue

I’d put a lot of distance between them all. And get a non molestation order against both your H and his sister. And supervised contact only for your husband as he clearly cannot safeguard his children.

do you have family and friends who would support you in RL?

speak to your GP and tell them about your SIL making your child unwell for days. You need it on record.

If she is a narcissist this is what they are like, they thrive on conflict, chaos, everything is about them and they are possessive.

They are also extremely emotionally and psychologically manipulative and abusive and they turn people, they are the victim always.

Take it from me, keep your child away from a narcissist. Only bad things will come.

I would call time on the marriage as this is just not working. If you want to try couples therapy you can but it doesn't seem hopeful.

This situation will make you ill and you need to get out while you're still able to parent.

I would think about next steps very carefully and not rush into action. I, too, wouldn't want to stay married to a person who let his family talk about me like that, but if you are genuinely concerned your SIL would hurt your baby, I wouldn't leave your DH until your child is significantly older. If you divorce him, you'll probably share custody and have no say who your DD sees when she is with her dad.

I'm afraid I wouldn't want this woman anywhere near my children. You need to have a very frank talk with your husband about everything you have posted here, and he needs to listen hard to your concerns

Yet you're having another baby with him. Genius

Harsh, I was actually on the pill… Yes, I did put things to the back of my mind and they were getting better for awhile. I wasn’t exactly over the moon about being pregnant. I went over and over in my head right up until the cut off point whether to keep this baby and in the end decided I couldn’t abort. I have some reproductive complications, having children shouldn’t be easy for me so it shouldn’t have really happened and it wasn’t an easy decision… I felt horrid for even having those thoughts.

@AnonFox You don't have to defend that choice, don't worry. It's not always easy or black and white choices, especially when it comes down to that choice.

You guys are saying leave your DH but if she were to separate she would have even less control and knowledge of whats going on. The dad WILL have days when he has the child and the sister will have more access this way. I feel sometimes you guys just advice so recklessly and thoughtlessly. Of course, because it's not your life and you don't think how someone will cope financially or what will happen after the separation. LTB is so carelessly thrown around. Terrible and irresponsible advice on here sometimes....

I might be barking up the wrong tree here but I wondered if it might be due to the fact that some cultures have much stronger family ties than others.

Speaking to friends in similar situations, it's caused a lot of tension over the years when their husbands have felt obliged to side with their sisters and mother as it's the way they've been brought up. The split loyalties can be hard to resolve.

You have a serious DH issue so focus on that, not his sister. You need to start thinking about what you need/want changing in your marriage, your styles of communication and whether joint counselling is needed.

Personally I would stop visiting them but unfortunately you can't stop DH taking the children. It's time to discuss boundaries between you and DH. Good luck.

I used to love Brookside 😆

You need to sit him down and tell him you love him but he's no longer present. That he's been enthralled by an abusive narcissist. That he is in an abusive relationship right now, with his sister. And that you are not willing to be in one too.

That you're not going to tell him to end that relationship for his families sake, because he needs to want to do that on his own. He also needs to want to end it for his own sake and sanity too.

Because once you're gone, she'll only make him the new target.

'I'm going to my mums for the week. I will give you space to think. I suggest you take space from her for the week too. So that she cannot poison you. But know that for me to return, we have to be on the same page. All contact with your sister with the exception of the odd family gathering, must end. And our child must never, never be in her presence again'.

You should probably have reported your child's suspicious illness to the police. I think I would do that now just so that it's on record. And if there's ever a situation where say, you and him are over and she might have access to the child, you can tell her it's on record.

It may be you have to walk away from him. If so I'd want note of your suspicions recorded somewhere.

I don’t think it was malicious atleast I hope not. Instead of calling us to say that DD was crying and that we should come get her, she kept stuffing formula down her… to try keep her quiet I imagine. DD was pretty much all breastfed apart from the odd formula. I told her that she’d only need the 2 breastmilk bottles I left and DD probably wouldn’t even finish them. Formula was there as a back up, incase there was an accident like a spill or something but don’t give it her unless it’s an absolute must.

When we came to collect her I asked how DD had been. FIL started to say she’d been a nightmare… SIL punched him in arm as if to say shut up. Then said she’s been absolutely fine, she’s had a whole 5 bottles! Within a couple of hours… right there I knew I’d been lied to and she totally ignored my instruction, I knew DD wasn’t going to be well with being fed that much in such a short time.

So for a few days DD was inconsolable and struggled to keep anything down, it was miserable. DH wouldn’t bring SIL up on it as he didn’t want to upset her…

But if you split up, your daughter will be going away for visits with her father and his sister.

You are in a difficult position if he won't support you.

It sounds like your SIL has issues and wants a child of her own. Tough - she can't have yours. I wouldn't leave your child unattended with her - the illness incident sounds awfully scary and sinister.

Sounds like you and DH need some counselling. Something is going on with him..

Honestly, I would think very carefully about what you want to do next and take your time about it (while making sure there’s no contact between your children and SIL without you present).

What I would consider in the first instance is this … If SIL is like this and eg. punches her own dad to shut him up without consequence, then there is a family issue there which probably goes back to childhood. In my experience abuse is often learnt behaviour and your husband sounds as though he is showing signs of being unable to shut down/stand up to a dynamic he has grown up with his whole life.

When you deal with someone truly abusive, disagreeing with them and arguing (eg. him defending you to his sister) gets you absolutely nowhere. All it does is result in their anger and toxicity being turned on you. You unconsciously learn lots of coping strategies for this, one of which might be to humour them/let them vent/say non-committal things etc.

Eventually it can become clear to you that it’s either contact or no contact as their behavior won’t change - but things aren’t always black and white in families. There is also often a lot of denial in families where this was a pattern demonstrated by a parent in the household.

It’s not clear to me from your post if your DH is actively “slating” you or just not defending you to his sister, but if the latter then my personal take is that “least said” is the way he has learned to cope with all this - and as a child that may have served him very well.

Problem is when you grow up and employ the same strategies they don’t always work to your benefit, but it’s an ingrained pattern (and one he may not even be aware of).

If I were you, while setting clear boundaries with SIL and other family members, I would try to take a compassionate and curious approach to your husband’s behaviour, and try and explore with him how he is feeling and what underlies his behavior.

It doesn’t sound from what you’ve said as though this is what he WANTS, or that he fundamentally disagrees with you about SIL, but that he feels under immense pressure and eventually gives in. Ask whether it’s always been like that with her? whether it was like that with his parents? Don’t rush conversations on this topic, give him time to reflect. Use I statements, for instance: “I feel uncomfortable when SIL does this - has she always been so prescriptive? How does it make you feel?” Not things like “You don’t do X when she does Y” or “Why don’t you care about Z issue?” Try not to just slate his family - it’s about how this makes you feel. Maybe suggest he seeks some counseling if you can get any traction on the issue with him.

Part of the solution may be for you to both agree that you will simply be the bad cop in terms of his family, so he can always say “X isn’t ok with that” etc. This gives you a team approach which, if you and he agree about it, would mean he isn’t in the firing line and your children are protected, coming up with a joint strategy may even bring you closer - win/win. Obviously it would give his family a completely skewed idea of who you are and your relationship - but if they are abusive arseholes then does it really matter what they think? They only have any power here if you actively give it to them.

Obviously this is not ideal and it would be better if he had worked through any issues already and was able to handle it better. But many people experience trauma and damage and aren’t even aware of it until a long time later.

If he refuses to engage with any of this, isn’t able to work towards setting boundaries with his family or following through on yours in any way, then you may have to reassess. Keep a log of any incidents to do with SIL and keep back ups of messages you receive and photos of anything she sends to your H concerning the children in case you need to stop her having contact more officially down the line. But, hard as it is, I wouldn’t see what she says as a reflection of your H’s feelings towards you - without evidence to the contrary, I would interpret his silence/tacit agreement as much more of a reflection of his feelings of powerlessness in relation to his sister (and possibly other family members), so I would try to offer him some support to navigate that in the first instance.

good luck 💐