Fancy another guy

[Whatshouldido94]

have been with my partner for nearly 9 years, we have two young DC. I know I will be judged but I would appreciate it if someone was harsh with me and told me what to do. For a few months I have been talking to someone I’ve known a while and we keep saying we will meet up. Every time we get close to meeting I cancel after making up an excuse. I would like to meet up but can’t as I am in a relationship. The other guy doesn’t push to meet or anything we just mention it sometimes and then I’ll cancel. I keep thinking about sleeping with this guy. I would love to meet up but I know what would happen.
my partner is away for a few days and I’m so tempted to message the other guy. Im not going to because I don’t think I could actually live with fully cheating and I really like my relationship with my partner even though I feel this way?? We have a lot of sex even though we have young kids, we go on occasional date nights and we get on well so why do I want to meet this other guy?
Has anyone got any advice? I don’t mind being told the truth, I know i look like an awful person. I need to stop thinking about sex with this other guy but how?

Gosh what a dilemma. I guess you could block that guy for a start.

How would you feel if your DP was carrying on like this with another woman? Would you be fine with it?

You can think about sex with anyone you like, as much as you like. That’s in your head and you can fantasise to your heart’s content.

However, in real life, either end your relationship or block this person. You’re being an idiot. By many people’s standards, your current conduct is already cheating and suffix reason to leave you. If you want to blow up your relationship and fuck up your family because you’re a bit randy, carry on as you are, though.

You really need to think long term here. You have absolutely everything that most people want and dream of. You have created a happy family with a long term partner who you still get along with and still have intimacy with. This is not easy to come by, and not something you will likely come across again. Even if you did come across another long term partner you were happy with, they wouldn't be the father of your children. That is a unique relationship you have with your current partner and one worth fighting for.

It might be purely because^^ you have everything that you aren't appreciating it currently which is a shame. You may feels it's easy come easy go but truly nothing can replace the relationship you have with the father of your children, and I would be saying that even if you were on the rocks. They are the only person who knows and loves the children the way you do, and raising them together will always be different to raising them alongside a new partner who maybe has their own kids, their own ex and baggage, and doesn't love them the way you do. On top of the fact that you are getting along great with regular sex and no major issues! You would be crazy to throw this away for some casual sex.

On top of that let's think morally. Your partner has done absolutely nothing wrong. They have dedicated a huge chunk of their life to you. Been faithful to you. Raised children with you. Loved you and continue to love you. They trust you. How could you even consider betraying them? To cheat on someone in this way to truly to destroy them and to destroy their future relationships also. You will leave a wound that will last them a lifetime. It will also impact your children. Their perception of you, your partner, their idea of healthy relationships, their happiness and their shot at an intact family unit. Your co parenting relationship would no doubt be a mess if built after such a betrayal.

Reality is what you have done so far is already cheating and a huge betrayal. For me the relationship would be already over if I found out my partner had done what you have done so far. The best you can do it stop it here and block their number.
It's a shame because you will have to live with this secret and betrayal now knowing that if your partner knew the truth about you and who you are and what you have done they might not even want to be with you. That's bad enough to swallow and I would leave it there, take this to the grave and learn to appreciate what you have and cherish it fiercely. See this is a near miss, nearly losing everything you have.

However, if you can read all that and still be tempted at all then I beg you to end your relationship now, before you completely destroy an innocent person. Then you can do what you like. See how quickly this little fling and being single gets boring and lonely.

Also to answer your question about how to do stop these thoughts.

I think it's about completely changing your mindset. As pp it's mainly about developing gratitude for you what you have and thinking how you would feel if you were to lose it all.

But also to consider that life isn't a fairy tale full of 'soulmates' and 'destiny', and by that I mean we are ALL capable of fancying someone else, no matter how happy we are in our relationship. Given then right set of circumstances anyone could feel how you feel. I just personally wouldn't have got closer enough to someone else to even allow those thoughts and feelings to creep in. That part was optional and was a choice. So don't be confused or misled by your thoughts, don't let them think that there is something special about this new person or the way you feel about them. It's nothing special. Nothing magical. The sex wouldn't be any more amazing (after the novelty anyways).

We're all human and we all feel sexual feelings towards others. The real question is about why you let yourself get close enough to feel them. But maybe realising this person isn't special and that this could happen time and time again (if you let it) might make you happier to let this go and think about the choice you want to make actively now and going forward

You don't feel remotely selfish at all?
You cancel bc you know you are 110% wrong.You and your bf (partner sounds stupid) have small children but you are actually considering cheating bc he works out of town?
IMAGINE THE ROLES REVERSED!
Just imagine how your children will see you as they grow up, if that won't stop you,then you deserve all the heartache you will inflict on your family, times 100.
This is the actual truth you are asking for.

You talk about this all so casually. Are you very young? I know you said you've been with your partner for 9 years but was this a relationship that started in your mid teens?

You have to cut the other guy out, that's the only way to stop fantasising about sex with him etc.
It will be difficult as you're used to getting the buzz and dopamine him from chatting to him and fantasising, but that's the punishment you have to take and what you have to suffer through to get out the other side. You don't get to keep your partner and get the excitement from the other guy.

The alternative is that this gets found out and you lose everything. If I was your partner and found out what's happened so far I'd already consider this enough to end it.

Imagine sitting down with your young children and explaining that Mummy did something bad and now Mummy and Daddy are splitting up.

Think about their reaction. Think about what their lives will look like.

Think about your partner's reaction.

Then you block this man and delete his number and email account and you stop contacting him completely. I know you don't want to but there are three possible outcomes to this scenario.

1. You end up having an affair with this man. It's fun and exciting at first. You sneak around but it soon becomes stressful leading a double life. Then your partner finds out. Your relationship is over. The pain inflicted on your partner and children is immeasurable. Their lives are badly affected. Your relationship with the other guy either ends in the fallout or you get together, only for you to realise that it was all based on a fantasy or not reality. Things may work out with the guy or they may not but either way you leave a trail of heartbreak behind you, including your own.
2. As before, except your partner doesn't find out. The stress of sneaking around eventually becomes too much. You call things off but you are wracked with guilt and are terrified your partner or children will find out what happened one day. It's difficult to have a close relationship with your partner because there is a huge secret between you. In the meantime you are heartbroken at having called things off with the other guy. You go no contact and experience the pain of never seeing him again.

1. You make an active choice to prioritise your existing relationship and family. You cease all communications with this man. You're suffering from limerance at the moment so it will be very painful for the first few weeks or months. At first the thought of not contacting him seems impossible. But you don't. You take the time to work on your relationship with your partner and family. After a while of no contact your feelings for the other man will begin to fade. A year later you will be shocked at how close you came to an affair.

"If the grass seems greener on the other side it's time to start watering your own grass".

What is it you see in this other guy?

I have a married female friend who has consistently sought out intellectual male counterparts, despite being happily married with children... She'll get absolutely worked up into a frenzy about them, do everything you can possibly think of in her head with them, and literally won't shut up about them, but still claim she would never cheat. This has happened with at least three guys while she's been married, and LUCKILY the guys haven't returned that interest... maybe that's what's stopped the physical cheating so far.

I agree with some of the others here though, I actually consider this already as cheating. If you can think these thoughts at all, is the relationship floating your boat?

Either way, if your relationship means anything to you, you'll remove temptation.

Or If the grass is greener on the other side it’s because you haven’t shat all over that grass yet!

Read Just good friends by Shirley glass. Then help your spouse heal from your affair. Read material on ptsd after an affair.

Put the energy, thinking time etc into YOUR marriage. You are in limerance and you need to block him.

And I agree you are cheating already. The minute you hid his messages or were not happy showing your dh his messages you were cheating. So stop it.

100% this, if I was your partner I would probably be thinking seriously about ending the relationship over this, it would at least change it massively with a complete lack of trust and respect towards you

I was in a similar(ish) situation a few months ago OP and I initially convinced myself that the feelings of attraction I had to the other person were innocent and nothing to worry about, but as time passed I realised my feeling were becoming more than that and I started feeling like I was deceiving my husband.

When I hit the point where I realised it had gone too far I completely pulled away from the other person which was difficult for many reasons, but I knew it had to be done. I was honest with them about why and I told them I couldn’t them again. Thankfully they were respectful of my decision and we had no contact for well over a month, not even a text message.

This person is now back in my life, as it can’t be avoided, but I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t put myself in any possibly difficult situations as I make sure we are never alone together and I will only text them about something if it needed.

Now that they’re back in my life and I feel indifferent just proves it was simply a crush….but crushes can very quickly become infatuation unless they are nipped in the bud very early. Crushes can start off innocent but they can very easily progress to affairs if active steps aren’t taken to prevent that.

You have gone so far over the line and you really need to put a stop to this now.

You might not have any control over how you feel about this guy but you DO have control over whether you act on these feelings. Your actions are a conscious choice, a conscious decision and you will be guided by your moral compass as to what decision you make.

You're going to do what you want to do. You are the result of the consequences of your decisions. Past, present and future.

You sound quite young. If you settled down very early, this may be affecting your thinking.

If all other people magically ceased to be attractive when we settled down with a partner, then there would be no need for the vow to foresake all others. In a healthy, successful relationship with a partner we love, we put our partner and our love for them ahead of passing attraction to others.

Of course, this other man seems shiny and new in comparison with your partner of 9 years and father of your children. If positions were reversed and you had been with this guy for 9 years, your now partner would be the one looking shiny and new.

One of things I’ve learnt to treasure is the romance of the mundane. DH and I have been together nearly 25 years. Sure, we get irritated with each other and argue from time to time - I think that’s to be expected - but even after all those years of daily grind, we can still sit and chat and be interested in each other and what we have to say. We still really enjoy spending time together. I think that’s incredible and worth a great deal. This is why I find that whole “I love you but I’m not in love with you” stuff so facile because it seems to be focussed on moonlight and roses and ignore the real treasures.

You have no idea if you’d get that with this other guy - in fact, you probably wouldn’t: his interest in you may well cease if you actually became available. You know you like what you have with your partner. Don’t jeopardise it for someone who is happy to pursue a woman who is unavailable and has 2 small children. This other guy is not a decent guy - that’s not how a decent guy behaves. And in entertaining him, you’re behaving very badly also.

Stop this now. Block him. Refocus your attention on your partner.

Don't be a slimy cheat.

Either block this slippery snake or leave your partner.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I have read every reply and agree with everything you have all said. I have now blocked the other guy. I feel very silly but needed to hear what you have all said.
some of you are saying I have already cheated by talking to this guy in the first place? Does that mean you think I should tell my partner? The only thing we discussed that was inappropriate was meeting up but as I’ve not done that and I’ve now blocked him I personally don’t think I should mention this? For those saying I seem young, I have been in a relationship since I was 19 I am now in my late twenties.

You have done the right thing op. I would t speak to your husband but I’d still read the books. With the man I’d block delete and never contact him again.

if you want to reinvigorate your marriage Read The seven principles of making marriage work and Gottmans 7 dates book. Go and have some fun with your husband! Surprise him!

Wound NOT

I think ‘boyfriend’ sounds stupid

This guy was a symptom, not a cause.

What are you missing in your relationship? Are you bored?

True all dat, v.good advice

Done bother mentioning it, it was just a fantasy, you did nothing wrong.
You will have many more fantasies, as long as that is all they are, then you are just human,

Delete his number and SM too and then try and dig down into where this interest came from.and why you let it get so far. You've made the right decision. Don't tell your partner now. Yes you went much too far but see this as a wakeup call to work out what went wrong, not a cue to blow your relationship into the air.

Absolutely don't mention anything. Literally take it to the grave and tell no one!!
Provided it's not going to get found out some other way?
Now just focus on your relationship and see this as a near miss

Thanks for the advise. I’ve blocked the guy and deleted the messages so he shouldn’t find out. I won’t talk to the other guy again