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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I try again?

32 replies

JilltheGrand · 11/08/2023 23:14

Hi all- I’m a lurker but this is my first post - some opinions welcome! I can be a bitch, but can’t we all. Partner of 10 years can be incredibly mean with words & never apologises & IMO possibly slightly narcissistic. He’s a delight in company, I feel at times on eggshells around him & always feel i compromise for him ( he’d argue differently). It’s all come to a head recently & after 10 days of him ignoring texts ( we don’t live together) I as usual said sorry just to keep the peace. ( he also told me he would have continued ignoring me until i said sorry). Normal- ish service resumed. Until he took offence at an eye roll emoji I used. Apparently this is unacceptable. And he’s since muted me. I called him, he berated me, I told him I can’t deal with his games anymore. But to throw away 8 years, should I ignore my ego & try ( as I know he won’t contact me) or am I just asking for more damage? I’m worried maybe I am the toxic one who’s misreading it all ? I’m utterly heartbroken & lost.

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 11/08/2023 23:39

In my opinion, no don't go there.

I've been married to one I believe, not long out, I can't say for sure obviously but it's been pretty consistent and she ticks all the boxes. It never ends and it gets worse, way worse than this, mine was full on abusive. However, it was such a mind fuck I didn't even realise while I was in it and it made me very sick and now she is destroying me.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 11/08/2023 23:43

I "threw away" 5 years for the same type of behaviour. Don't throw away another 8 years with this prick.

becauseicanthatswhy · 11/08/2023 23:43

No. Run for the hills. Don't be a victim of sunk cost fallacy. Your asking for years of being disregarded, manipulated and emotionally drained.

Original poster
JilltheGrand · 11/08/2023 23:48

JibbaJab thanks so much for your reply, are you ok? My (ex?) can be really lovely & I adore spending time with him but also suffocating (maybe my issue) and definitely critical, irritable & ego-centric. But I also am trying to see what I’m like from his POV as I know I am moody & childish at times too! I also worry about being single at my age (55) What do you mean by abusive? I hope you are in a safe place?

OP posts:
Original poster
JilltheGrand · 11/08/2023 23:51

It just all seems so final, and I have basically been ghosted into it. I feel
his aim all along may have been for me to end it. I hope you are ok xx

OP posts:
Original poster
JilltheGrand · 11/08/2023 23:52

Thank you. It’s all happened so quickly & relatively out of the blue. I’m numb.

OP posts:
dudsville · 11/08/2023 23:54

He's a jerk. You're not throwing away 8 years, you're gaining years of future happiness.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 11/08/2023 23:57

It’s simply not worth destroying your self confidence by staying for more of this person’s mean and purposefully indifferent behaviour. So what if he’s a delight in company- it’s all a farce
Give him the arse. It’s loud and clear that he’s taking advantage of the fact that you’re always apologising and not ever holding him accountable. It’s time to move on from his childish hurtful behaviour You can do so much better elsewhere. You will be happier as a single person free from his BS

isthisapieceofyourbrain · 12/08/2023 00:01

Run and don't look back. He won't change and you'll have wasted another 8 years.

Move on and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who respects you.

I'm sure it is what you would advise a friend who asked you the same question.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 12/08/2023 00:01

Hang on. I’m a poet and didn’t know it !

It’s all a farce - Give him the arse

Keep this as your daily affirmation

Original poster
JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:02

Thanks everyone, I know this all deep
down but it’s so hard to stay strong. I’m not even sure if he thinks we’re still together. I know he won’t contact me. I’ve unfollowed him on social media etc but he won’t see that. I feel ashamed to tell anyone any of this as I’ve never confided any of his behaviour over the years to anyone as I know it makes me look like a doormat. One friend witnessed it & was shocked so of course we never saw them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:05

IRL I have a pretty senior level high profile
job & I read back my messages and jeez 🙄 oh eye roll, not allowed

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 00:05

@JilltheGrand I had over a decade of all of these mind games and nothing I did or said mattered. Unable to live peacefully always finding things to create chaos, a constant moving of goal posts of fabricated issues or slights that didn't exist.

I didn't realize until I was away that it was abusive, other than physical that I stupidly brushed off but you know being a guy I just took it and moved past it.

What yours is doing is silent treatment it's something I had a lot of. The silent treatment expires depending on the severity of the perceived slight and how many times you've crossed their line. In my case it went from hours, to days and weeks. It also changed in method where I was a ghost in my own home and unable to interact with them or the children.

I'm better than I was a few months ago but not really. We separated and I stood up for myself and hit a nerve. The result was she has taken everything, the house, money and withholding the children.

Don't waste any more of your life on these people they don't have a soul, they never change.

Original poster
JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:09

JibbaJab I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and with kids. That’s cruel on you & them. It’s all so unnecessary. I really hope you can reach a situation with the children, fuck her. Why are people so nasty, we’re all only on this planet for such a short period.

OP posts:
Original poster
JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:14

Sorry still
learning to tag @Ifallelsefailschocolate @IWasFunBeforeMum @JibbaJab @dudsville @isthisapieceofyourbrain

OP posts:
FlossOnTheMill · 12/08/2023 00:16

incredibly mean with words
I feel at times on eggshells
I compromise for him
l said sorry just to keep the peace.

Your words, @JilltheGrand ...
Is this what you want for yourself?
Just imagine the peace without him!

NB: Women Who Love Too Much might be worth reading.

Original poster
JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:20

Thanks @FlossOnTheMill I know. If it were someone I knew I’d be crystal clear on it. Thank you

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Ifallelsefailschocolate · 12/08/2023 00:22

@JibbaJab I'm so glad that you’re free now but sad that she’s withholding the children. Hope you are getting support and this will change in time

Lookingatthesunset · 12/08/2023 00:28

JilltheGrand · 11/08/2023 23:48

JibbaJab thanks so much for your reply, are you ok? My (ex?) can be really lovely & I adore spending time with him but also suffocating (maybe my issue) and definitely critical, irritable & ego-centric. But I also am trying to see what I’m like from his POV as I know I am moody & childish at times too! I also worry about being single at my age (55) What do you mean by abusive? I hope you are in a safe place?

Sweetie you would be so much better off single than tolerating this BS! Kick him to the kerb! x

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 00:29

@JilltheGrand @Ifallelsefailschocolate

Thank you both. Been trying for months with solicitors to no avail and she's scapegoating me as an abuser but it's all fabricated and everything is contradictory and illogical. So, I'm taking it to court, claiming abuse and residency. All I can do is wait for court which is months away but no family either as they've been cut off too. Totally isolated and none can do anything.

Yes very cruel and quite disgusting as it diminishes other women's efforts regarding keeping children safe from actual abusers. Everything is topsy turvey, mine are with the abusive one.

Original poster
JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:30

Thanks @Lookingatthesunset xx

OP posts:
Lookingatthesunset · 12/08/2023 00:30

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 00:05

@JilltheGrand I had over a decade of all of these mind games and nothing I did or said mattered. Unable to live peacefully always finding things to create chaos, a constant moving of goal posts of fabricated issues or slights that didn't exist.

I didn't realize until I was away that it was abusive, other than physical that I stupidly brushed off but you know being a guy I just took it and moved past it.

What yours is doing is silent treatment it's something I had a lot of. The silent treatment expires depending on the severity of the perceived slight and how many times you've crossed their line. In my case it went from hours, to days and weeks. It also changed in method where I was a ghost in my own home and unable to interact with them or the children.

I'm better than I was a few months ago but not really. We separated and I stood up for myself and hit a nerve. The result was she has taken everything, the house, money and withholding the children.

Don't waste any more of your life on these people they don't have a soul, they never change.

@JibbaJab have you had legal advice? I'm not quite sure how your ex has been able to get away with all of this?

Lookingatthesunset · 12/08/2023 00:32

JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:30

Thanks @Lookingatthesunset xx

You are so welcome - I'm your vintage too and I get how you don't want to be alone but trust me, this man is just bringing you down x

Lookingatthesunset · 12/08/2023 00:36

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 00:29

@JilltheGrand @Ifallelsefailschocolate

Thank you both. Been trying for months with solicitors to no avail and she's scapegoating me as an abuser but it's all fabricated and everything is contradictory and illogical. So, I'm taking it to court, claiming abuse and residency. All I can do is wait for court which is months away but no family either as they've been cut off too. Totally isolated and none can do anything.

Yes very cruel and quite disgusting as it diminishes other women's efforts regarding keeping children safe from actual abusers. Everything is topsy turvey, mine are with the abusive one.

I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in x

Original poster
JilltheGrand · 12/08/2023 00:38

@JibbaJab @Ifallelsefailschocolate that is shit. I hope the system comes through for you. I understand your isolation, I have basically lost my friends through my lack of contact during this relationship. My fault. But it’s lonely. Really wish the best for you JibbaJab.

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