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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(D)H is a prick

30 replies

bifoldbroom · 11/08/2023 22:03

Hi, I'm new to this and hoping I'm putting this in the right place.

I have been with my (D)H for 21 years, married for 18 years. We have two children aged 17 and 13. Things over the last couple of years have become quite difficult due to my change of career and OH being made redundant. Although to be fair, its been a lot longer than that. He's so controlling. He dislikes me going out with friends, moans when I have after school drinks with my teacher friends (I'm a teacher which he also seems to resent?!). He has, in the past, accused me of having an affair with his best friend (?!), although when I asked him to confirm with his friend, he backtracks.

He is becoming increasingly argumentative and often belittles me in front of both our children and friends.

I have come to the point where I hate him and his criticisms. I can not have a night away with friends without him telling me that I am "abandoning my family," even though he has had many week / weekends away in the past for his hobby and I've never questioned it or even worried.

I am worried my daughter is thinking this is normal partner behaviour, and my son thinks this is a normal way to treat his partner.

I cannot afford the house on my own and I'm worried that he will take the house and the kids. My parents previously owned the house and "sold" it to us for 200k under the selling price (we are in the south east). FYI it was gifted to is both, mot just me.

What can I do? My DD is due to start uni in 1 year and our son is just about to start year 9.

Any help or advice would be well received.

OP posts:
Newname211 · 11/08/2023 22:05

Could you not have the house valued and then let him buy you out? Presumably there will be decent equity since you got it £200k under value?

cafenoirbiscuit · 11/08/2023 22:07

That sounds grim. What are you getting from this relationship? Sounds like it’s time to call it a day.

EVHead · 11/08/2023 22:10

Get legal advice. Don’t let DH tell you what’s what. Take control.

Original poster
bifoldbroom · 11/08/2023 22:10

He won't even think that anything is wrong,let alone have that convo. I feel so stuck I have no idea what to do. I can't afford to buy him out

OP posts:
truthhurts23 · 11/08/2023 22:10

LTB

Marwoodsbigbreak · 11/08/2023 22:11

To be honest you need legal advice.

Newname211 · 11/08/2023 22:12

bifoldbroom · 11/08/2023 22:10

He won't even think that anything is wrong,let alone have that convo. I feel so stuck I have no idea what to do. I can't afford to buy him out

can you afford to let him buy you out? 200k below asking price implies that the property is £££££? How much is it worth now compared to how much is owed on it?

arethereanyleftatall · 11/08/2023 22:14

Why would you think he'll take the kids?

It's a shame your dps contribution wasn't ring fenced for you. But, whatever equity is in the house, you'll get half (ish) ti start afresh with.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. It only needs one person to decide they want a divorce.

Ballcactus · 11/08/2023 22:14

Speak to women’s aid, get some legal advice, LTB

BrawnWild · 11/08/2023 22:14

How much is your freedom and an example to your children worth?

DD moves out, you need less space. Downsize. Money isnt everything.

You need to know your bottom line and speak to a solicitor clearly about what you want and whether that is viable.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/08/2023 22:15

Sorry but no house is worth living like this.
You will set a great example to your kids to show them that being undermined and devalued isn't acceptable and it's never appropriate to stay in that kind of relationship.
Good luck xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/08/2023 22:15

So you're married so that helps you a lot x

Fingerscrossed11 · 11/08/2023 22:21

Hi @bifoldbroom
could it be that your husband maybe resents the fact you have friends to meet after work and a career made for yourself?
it’s entirely unfair for you to made guilty for after work drinks etc when it seems he can have his fun with his friends.
Hes the father so should support the mum doing her thing and having a couple drinks after work etc.
To belittle you in front of friends and especially you’re children is unacceptable. Seems like he has a chip on his shoulder (hope
uouve heard that expression)
also as it’s the matrimonial/family home as far as I’m aware you have a right to stay there even without him until your youngest child reaches 18 years old.
Also to keep the home, could you remortgage and buy him out if it comes to that. Surely with the money your parents reduced off property and it came to that an agreement could be made without selling property etc.
I wish you well 🤗

Brightandshining · 11/08/2023 22:22

If you're married and have children living at home he cannot just 'take the house'
Unfortunately he would probably be considered main carer as he doesnt work and you do.. but he wouldn't just be able to 'take the kids' either.
I mean what are your options? Misery short term or misery long term... at least if you go through the pain now you get to live a bigger portion of your life without this bellend. Yes it will be difficult and stressful but you can do it, lots of people do.. and you'll gain a freedom at the end that is so worth it.
Seek legal advice and do not leave the house even if he refuses to leave. That house is partly legally owned by you and he can't force you to agree to sell it.. you cant force him to leave either as he owns part of it so I might just come down to a battle of nerve and as you are used to him being a horrible sulking bastard anyway you actually have the upper hand there.
Document any type of verbal abuse or any order abuse or controlling behaviour religiously in any way you can even if its just writing it down in a diary.

Fingerscrossed11 · 11/08/2023 22:26

Also with the kids, they are now old enough (as far as I’m aware) to choose independently who they want to stay with and can’t be forced to stay with a parent they don’t wish too. Hope that helps .

Frankenpug23 · 11/08/2023 22:50

Get yourself proper legal advice
Talk to CAB if there is one close to you
Start to sort out paperwork etc that you will need - passports etc and give them to a trusted friend
Start to think about your money - can you squirrel money away?
Its a shame that your parents didn’t just w over the house to you but there will be equity you can use- the longer you stay the more your DCs will see this as ok and the more they will think Dad is in the right!!

Original poster
bifoldbroom · 11/08/2023 22:54

Thank you all so much for your comments... I have so many days when I feel like I am making more of things than I should. He is very good at trying to make things all lovely and thinks that if he spends money on us all that will make me happy. I am far from materialistic and just want to have a happy, harmonious relationship. So worried about letting people down, especially my parents who are my absolute rock and have been very happily married for nearly 50 years. I have so many sad days and have just learnt not to argue back now as that just makes things so much worse. It is really bad but I choose to get to work early and leave as late as possible just so that I am not at home but I know I should be at home for my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
bifoldbroom · 11/08/2023 22:57

Brightandshining · 11/08/2023 22:22

If you're married and have children living at home he cannot just 'take the house'
Unfortunately he would probably be considered main carer as he doesnt work and you do.. but he wouldn't just be able to 'take the kids' either.
I mean what are your options? Misery short term or misery long term... at least if you go through the pain now you get to live a bigger portion of your life without this bellend. Yes it will be difficult and stressful but you can do it, lots of people do.. and you'll gain a freedom at the end that is so worth it.
Seek legal advice and do not leave the house even if he refuses to leave. That house is partly legally owned by you and he can't force you to agree to sell it.. you cant force him to leave either as he owns part of it so I might just come down to a battle of nerve and as you are used to him being a horrible sulking bastard anyway you actually have the upper hand there.
Document any type of verbal abuse or any order abuse or controlling behaviour religiously in any way you can even if its just writing it down in a diary.

Sorry, I didn't make it clear but he is working again now but self employed so there are the many implications of this.

OP posts:
SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 11/08/2023 23:01

Blimey, this sounds like a half life for you :( Is it too late for counselling?

SnakeGirl · 11/08/2023 23:02

Get out, but be prepared for your husband to get nasty, by the sounds of it it’s usual behaviour but once people like this lose control they can become dangerous. Seek legal advice, my mum put up with 30 years of that behaviour, I was that accustomed to it that I didn’t realise it was wrong growing up with it from being a young child.

this isn’t a tester for your real life, it’s the real deal don’t waste anymore time being put down and belittled kids are sponges they soak everything up.

CherryMaDeara · 11/08/2023 23:03

I d speak to a solicitor. Maybe your parents can say they didn’t gift the £200k and want it back?

Cherrysoup · 11/08/2023 23:04

See a solicitor. There are ways and means to get out.

Fingerscrossed11 · 11/08/2023 23:07

@bifoldbroom
I understand you don’t want to let people down but this is your happiness on the line. To be honest you can’t spend your life waking on eggshells. Congrats to your mum and dad being nearly married for 50 years but sometimes marriages/relationships work and sometimes they don’t. More than anything else you have to do what makes you happy. If you think you can work things out, if you think you can’t. Make yourself happy, do what you need to do and move on if that’s the case. To get to work early abs leave late to not be around this person says to me you’re unhappy in the relationship. It’s so easy for people to comment, I understand that and it’s so difficult to make a decision after 18 years of marriage but try to get some advice regarding the home and maybe speak to your parents about it. Life’s too short to be waking on eggshells and being unhappy. I know it’s not easy. 🤗

nonamebetty2023 · 11/08/2023 23:16

So sorry you're going through this. If I were you I'd be asking for legal advice. And try to do everything without him noticing. Get your finances in check and do everything that needs to be done and then drop the bombshell which is divorce.

LaughingBallz · 11/08/2023 23:16

Make yourself happy and be a good role model to your beautiful children. They don't need to grow up thinking this is a healthy relationship, nor do you need to pretend it is one.
I think you may underestimate your parents. Yes, they have had a long and happy marriage, but it doesn't mean they don't and won't understand your feelings - they will only want what's right for you.