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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you resign yourself to life completely on your own?

57 replies

LaPerduta · 11/08/2023 18:50

I would have loved to get married and have a family. Neither of those things is ever going to happen; in fact I suspect I'm always going to be single.

Has anyone managed to genuinely feel okay about completely failing to achieve these fundamental things? And if so, how?

I have good days and bad days but am feeling particularly down about it today.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaPerduta · 12/08/2023 17:28

Livinghappy · 12/08/2023 13:34

The opposite of loneliness is not being coupled up, but being connected. Find your connections. Friendships, causes, relatives, etc - I do believe being connected is what you miss, really, not The Partner

I agree however society is set up for families or couples..such as hotel rooms, next of kin, restaurants. How often do restaurants have tables for one?

Op, your feelings are understandable. There is often so much luck involved to meeting a suitable partner and after 20 years of "going around corners optimistically" fatigue and despondency can set in.

You are allowed to feel sad that you haven't had the life you hoped for. I hope your feelings of sadness don't last as realistically all you can do is keep moving forwards.

Thank you for understanding.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaPerduta · 12/08/2023 17:33

PollyThePixie · 12/08/2023 17:28

Op, if you really would like to have children would you consider adoption or fostering.

FFS.

Words fail me.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaPerduta · 12/08/2023 17:35

frozendaisy · 12/08/2023 13:53

And I heard that, helps if you like classical music, but the classicFM online dating is decent or at least better than general OLD. Perhaps you could hunt around for a more eclectic dating site. Depending on your interests.

Thank you; that is a good tip.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaPerduta · 12/08/2023 17:36

swanling · 12/08/2023 14:08

I get where people are coming from with the "you don't need a man/relationship" comments, but humans are a social species. I don't think it's helpful or accurate to claim that the sadness caused by an unmet need for human connection and closeness is merely a figment of the patriarchy.

Not everything is a "choice".

Spot on.

OP posts:

SequentialAnalyst · 12/08/2023 20:52

After an unhappy decades-long marriage in which my H was no sort of companion - he wouldn't go anywhere, for a start - I divorced him.

I was 60. My libido had gone, because I hadn't fancied H or had sex with him for several years. I thought I would live quietly and try to write that book I'd been meaning to.

A year later, I unexpectedly got together with someone I had known for decades. Sadly we only had 4 years together (well, living apart - we were both adamant we would never actually live together!) And lo and behold, the sex was good too.

Though he's gone, I'm still a happy person.

So you never know.

Gemi33 · 13/08/2023 08:29

Hi OP,

I just want to say I completely understand - I am 40, been single most of my life and don't see it changing. I would have loved children but don't want to do it on my own. It's really hard. I have tried OLD and it is miserable most of the time and ultimately very unsuccessful. It is also frustrating when people say things like 'make a life for yourself', 'take up hobbies', 'do things on your own' - I know it's well intentioned but I've done all those things, it still isn't the same as having someone to share your life with. I wish I had some advice but it can just be really lonely and I really do sympathise.

CouldShouldWont · 13/08/2023 15:06

@LaPerduta

I have been very nearly 23 years single. I do have a son but have looked into the abyss of singledom and accepted it, and enjoyed it! Many of my married friends tell me how envious they are and how lucky I am. I try not to reply with bitterness. I’m v nearly 52.

Two weeks ago I got chatting to a guy by chance in a pub about music just for ten minutes, his mate asked for my number and we are planning our fourth date. I really like him, I don’t know what will happen but my feet are on the path. I don’t find it easy tbh I genuinely do not know what to think, feel or do, but I aim to keep that to myself.

There are more corners that lead to sunshine, and you cannot always predict based on past experiences.

It’s ok to feel down though however good being single happy free is… the chance at being happy with someone just feels like a place over the rainbow sometimes. However it can’t be based on statistics it’s too random for that.

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