How do you resign yourself to life completely on your own?

[LaPerduta]

I would have loved to get married and have a family. Neither of those things is ever going to happen; in fact I suspect I'm always going to be single.

Has anyone managed to genuinely feel okay about completely failing to achieve these fundamental things? And if so, how?

I have good days and bad days but am feeling particularly down about it today.

I’m sorry you also know this feeling and I’m sorry I don’t know anything helpfull to say. Only offer my empathy.
I’ve never been in a relationship and window is about to close on kids, so I also jad to let go of the dreams of a loving partner and a family.

I was just reading another thread where people were disparagingly talking about women who lack expirience in dating and sex, and it just got me so down.

I don’t know why people have to look down / bully people for lack of relationships.
And then on top shame people.

I don’t really see what comfort the whole ”most relationships are miserable” suppose to give. Clearly they are worth it, since almost everyone want to be in a relationship/are in multiple relationships through out their lives.

OP, I didn't intend to insult you by saying the desperation word, there is probably a better term, and I apologise if I offended you.

I met my partner when I was 42. I am now in my 60s. We split up after 8 years, got back together again a few years later (it wasn't an affair), and are now together. The difference, now that we are older is he has his house and I have mine, we share weekends and some mid week overnights but other than that live separately. Neither of us has children.

Believe me when we split up first at age 50 (me) I thought like you did that I would never meet anyone at my age. I didn't try either, it was too much bother TBH. But we got together again after a good few years anyway to my surprise. I was sure I would be on my own forever too.

Do not give up. I had a rocky road and at times a lonely and despondent one too.

Yes, I know who Aslan is. You may be right, but I suspect what round the corner is more of the same...

That old adage is bs, you know that, right? Sure you can let your past be your present and your future. Most people do. You don't have to.
You can also take a different attitude to your past experience, turning something you now perceive as "shameful" into something exciting and liberating.

The opposite of loneliness is not being coupled up, but being connected. Find your connections. Friendships, causes, relatives, etc - I do believe being connected is what you miss, really, not The Partner.

I think these expectations are built up in us, drummed in to us, through family, advertising, film and TV, pop songs etc etc that it makes it feel like failure not to have achieved them.

@perfectcolourfound I spent my teens, 20s and most of my 30s thinking like this. I definitely blame the things you've outlined. Romcoms, books, music and magazines. Sex and the City. Advertising. I couldn't care less now. If I meet someone then I do but I'm not looking.

Not advisable or helpful! OP don't have affairs. There are plenty of unattached men.

What a bitchy remark

You may be right, but I suspect what round the corner is more of the same...

There's always a choice of corners. There's always another corner.
I'm an old gimmer, and my life has never turned out to be quite what I expected...

I think some people are built for relationships and some people aren't. I married at 41 and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I am on my own since splitting from my husband so I know how it feels to be alone in what feels like a world of couples and it isn't easy.
One of my best friends got to a similar age to you without having had a long term relationship despite being a lovely person and gorgeous too, it just didn't happen.
She tried online dating for years and had many dates but nothing gelled. Then a few years ago she went alone to an event, her friends had dropped out for some reason and she nearly did too. She got chatting to a divorced man there who had also gone alone. They are now living together and are incredibly happy.
It sounds trite to say it, I know, but you really do never know what is around the corner.
If a relationship is what you want don't give up on the idea but also try to live your life for you too and enjoy it.
Good luck xx

I'm late 40s. I've been single for nearly 20 years. Longest relationship two years. It's an appalling track record which I'm ashamed of

OP self-talk like that is silly and a recipe for misery. Who gave you the daft idea that you need another human to make you happy? I'm 50, single for 10 years apart from 2 brief interludes with total losers as an attempt to recover from the narcissistic weirdo I married, who was (surprise surprise) cut from the same cloth as my narcissistic df. The emotional carnage caused by my Dparents, dysfunctional stepfamily and self-centred lying xh has made happiness and fulfilment impossible. For the next 25 years I will be winning at life by raising the middle finger to the outdated patriarchal fantasy family idea and putting myself first.

I also think it's not unusual to find your sexuality or your acceptance of it has morphed with age, I don't know if I was always bisexual - I think probably - but I am now. Doesn't make a huge difference as relationships are relationships but it's also worth looking at life through different lenses.

I think it must be really tough if you want a relationship and can't find one.

I am at a similar age and I must I am just happy being single and have no interest in dating or living with a man.

I would have liked an equal, supportive relationship with a decent man. I think it must be a great thing to have.

Unfortunately when I was dating all I kept meeting were selfish, lazy and even abusive men who never saw me as a human being, only a potential sex toy (and were actually really bad lovers). I think I lost all trust in men at that point.

So I decided to remove myself from dating and relationships.

I think it becomes harder as you get older to find decent partners. I have never been pretty or good at flirting. I have no time for games and I prefer my own company.

The best thing I think is to concentrate on building a life for yourself and making it enjoyable: hobbies, friends, work, travel, pets. If a relationship comes along then fine. If it doesn't there are many ways to be happy.

Also remember that there are many people in miserable relationships...it is not always a key to happiness.

Well I'd like another human to have sex with, to go on holiday with, someone to talk to about my day, companionship - all the usual "daft" stuff. It's not really about subscribing to patriarchal ideas per se. Doesn't have to be marriage or even cohabitation, but I would like someone in my life.

Thanks, but I'm not bisexual or a lesbian.

The best thing I think is to concentrate on building a life for yourself and making it enjoyable: hobbies, friends, work, travel, pets. If a relationship comes along then fine. If it doesn't there are many ways to be happy.

I have/do all those things, but you can't have sex with a bicycle or take your cat on holiday. (Well you can, I guess, but their conversation is limited and they're generally not allowed into restaurants.)

Fair enough! It's a risky business though. Good luck.

The opposite of loneliness is not being coupled up, but being connected. Find your connections. Friendships, causes, relatives, etc - I do believe being connected is what you miss, really, not The Partner

I agree however society is set up for families or couples..such as hotel rooms, next of kin, restaurants. How often do restaurants have tables for one?

Op, your feelings are understandable. There is often so much luck involved to meeting a suitable partner and after 20 years of "going around corners optimistically" fatigue and despondency can set in.

You are allowed to feel sad that you haven't had the life you hoped for. I hope your feelings of sadness don't last as realistically all you can do is keep moving forwards.

I get it we are social creatures by biology, it's the reason humans are successful.

I think the advice of finding connections, so other single travellers to go on holiday with say, is a start. Not everyone in their late 40s is in a happy family unit.

You are not a failure for not achieving a marriage/child. Again that doesn't happen for all. Was talking to a man recently, he met his life partner when she was too old to have kids. He openly admitted he is sad about not having had kids. Yes he still could but he's nearly 50 and feels too old, just like women do. He's a lovely man, travelled, interesting work, had relationships, but marriage and kids just never happened. So it's not a big failure sign over your head. It's not.

Grab the life you have with both hands. Find a holiday for singles, travelling as a group. Take a leap.

And I heard that, helps if you like classical music, but the classicFM online dating is decent or at least better than general OLD. Perhaps you could hunt around for a more eclectic dating site. Depending on your interests.

I get where people are coming from with the "you don't need a man/relationship" comments, but humans are a social species. I don't think it's helpful or accurate to claim that the sadness caused by an unmet need for human connection and closeness is merely a figment of the patriarchy.

Not everything is a "choice".

Have you put what you want in your dating profile. Perhaps see is rewording it helps.

I think a lot of divorced men in particular do not want to live with someone permanently and would be very interested in someone who they can have a committed but part time relationship with. See each other a few times a week, breaks away, holidays, communication when not seeing each other and regular sex.

Men would need this spelling out though as most are dumb when it comes to understanding women!

I put so much pressure on myself as a young woman in her 20s to find a man, get married and have a child. There was also family pressure. I wasn't a success unless I achieved this. I am quite shy and worried I'd be lonely forever. I didn't have a wide social circle by any means. I grew up in the nineties watching rom -coms and thought that was what was expected.

My life with my husband has been far from perfect and at times very hard work. I wonder why I put myself through it, sometimes. I do wish now, I'd waited longer to meet the right person, but if I was financially independent I don't think I'd want to mix my finances with a partner and I definitely wouldn't want to get married.

There is no rush. A friend of my mother's is in her seventies and though she's had partners, never married. She has many many friends though. I thought she was weird when I was growing up, but now, in my 40s, I think I finally get her. She has property & is financially sound. She is never home! She travels or sees friends or is in a class doing something. Her life is FULL. I admire her now.

If a worthy man comes along then, great, but it's not everything. I learned that the hard way. You have freedom! I envy you!

Sorry, don't have time to read the whole thread...... but just in case it has not been mentioned...

I suggest spending a little time reading the Relationships board. Some of the stories will make your hair stand on edge and thank your lucky stars that you are single!

Op, if you really would like to have children would you consider adoption or fostering.