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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married but keep thinking about the one who got away…help!

27 replies

KinderEggg · 11/08/2023 16:39

Me and this guy used to be on the same project. We became best friends and I think we developed feelings for each other. He used to post comments on my Facebook pictures etc hinting it but never actually said anything to me which annoyed me. I hate games. We both left around the same time and he bought me a gift…but still never said anything. He used to compliment all the time to my friends etc.

We went out separate ways and he got married and we didn’t speak etc. He rang me out of the blue once asking me advice on his gf…which I found bizarre then I never heard from him again.

Fast forward, I got engaged and he pops out of the blue saying he’s divorced and wondering whether I’m with someone. I told him I’m engaged. He then told me that he wished he pursued me and he regrets it. I was annoyed with him as why now?? and we just stopped talking and I didn’t do anything about it.

Fast forward 10 years later and he’s somehow found a way to contact me again. He’s interested in my marital life and career. He takes ages to reply…but I don’t know what’s happened to me but I keep thinking what if now? Did I make a mistake? We had such good chemistry, we both work in the same field. Were we meant to be? I love my husband but I don’t know why him coming back to my life has made me question everything? Is it the mundane everyday life?

He keeps reminiscing with me which makes me keep thinking about our time back. Am I just missing my youth?

Part of my thinks I only said no to him the second time because I was annoyed he didn’t “choose me first”.

I have a good life with my husband. He gives me everything, we have a lovely daughter. We’ve had our ups and down.

I don’t think the other guy wants an affair because we are both Indian and it’s just frowned up (I know affairs are frowned upon anyway but mix in culture as well).

I don’t know why he contacted me. I keep thinking is he not happily married? He found someone online and married her from what I’ve been told.

Please put things in perspective. How can I stop thinking what if??!!

OP posts:
BestMammyEver · 11/08/2023 16:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

catsnhats11 · 11/08/2023 16:47

He never did anything about it when you were younger and he only gets in touch after his marriage ended and his relationship was in trouble.

You're right, you weren't his first choice.

Unless you are otherwise unhappy, block and move on.

Monkeylimas · 11/08/2023 16:48

Block him and read Just Good Friends. Affairs destroy lives and cause PTSD. After reading that book I would never cheat!

Then read work by Gottman and use it to make yours and your husbands life better. Get him to read it to. They have a dates book which is very good. His work focuses on the positives and gets you to remember the early days to create good feeling. I reread ‘the seven principles to make marriage work’ each year.

EdgeOfACoin · 11/08/2023 16:48

He's interested because you're unavailable.

He's not the one who got away. He's just someone messing with your head, unfortunately.

justasking111 · 11/08/2023 16:48

Well he's already made one woman miserable so you had a lucky escape

pinksheetss · 11/08/2023 16:51

Nope, block and don't respond

You are happy with your husband. Would he be happy about you contacting this person behind his back and what he is saying to you?

It can only end badly

Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 16:54

You're treading on dangerous ground! He's already shown how unreliable he is. Would you really consider risking your marriage and family life for him? He missed his chance. He's history.

Original poster
KinderEggg · 11/08/2023 16:55

I’ve never told him I’ve ever had feelings for him so as far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t know anything unless I made it obvious…

I don’t get what he gets out of contacting me?

He was really shy around me hence why I don’t think he could tell me plus I gave nothing away. I actually used to delete all his comments on my Facebook…hoping he’d just come out and say it but maybe I gave the vibe of not being interested. We were super young.

OP posts:
Original poster
KinderEggg · 11/08/2023 16:58

I know I should block! However neither of us would go towards and affair…it’s culturally frowned upon and I do love my husband. He’s never said anything inappropriate towards me.

it’s the what if that I’m annoyed about and why I am allowing myself to think what if!

OP posts:
EdgeOfACoin · 11/08/2023 16:58

Maybe as a thought experiment go through what an affair would look like with this man. Think about the sneaking around. The double life. What would happen when your husband found out. The impact it would have on your daughter and her life.

I doubt it will seem so appealing when you think it through to the logical conclusion.

Original poster
KinderEggg · 11/08/2023 17:06

There would never been an affair. We would never meet up. He’s never suggested anything of the sort and nor would he. It’s just not culturally acceptable.

I just don’t know why he had to contact me. I wish he never did. But I was thinking of him before he did which I found weird.

I think both of us will always miss each other in our youth it seems.

OP posts:
GreenKimono · 11/08/2023 17:13

Look, it sounds as if he’s been messing with your head for years. ‘Shy’ isn’t an excuse for an adult. ‘Indecisive’ or ‘incapable of deciding what he wants and communicating it’ is more like it. Seriously, is an adult man who can’t be bothered to declare his feelings until you’ve become safely unavailable, or who just hangs around vaguely hinting on the internet but never doing anything about it actually attractive to you?

I do think you’re protesting a bit too much about affairs being culturally frowned on. For one thing, affairs are pretty much frowned on in all cultures, and for another, I can certainly think of Indian friends who have been involved in infidelities.

Original poster
KinderEggg · 11/08/2023 17:31

I know, but I just don’t want people to assume it’s going to head down towards an affair. That’s one thing neither of us would ever do (I know cliche and I’m sure everyone says that). But neither of us hooked up even which available.

He remembers all the small things about me too, which made me think “aww”. None of my other male friends remember all the small things.

To be fair on him, I never gave him any inclination that I had feelings for him too. Nothing! I actually played hard to get if anything. I was still in my early 20s and worried to commit to what I would have thought a long term relationship whereas he was 25 and wanted a long term relationship.

Oh I don’t know! I just want these what if feelings to go away!!!

OP posts:
MNetcurtains · 11/08/2023 18:53

In true Mn parlance, give you head a wobble.

Tara336 · 11/08/2023 18:59

It's basically a fishing trip trying to sound you out see whether he's got a chance with you. Ignore him what he has done is unfair and unsettled you, you deserve better. If he had wanted to be with you he would have done something about it years ago. Someone who reaches out knowing you are married with a child is not someone you want to be involved with.

sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 19:28

He's not a nice man

If he truly cared about you he wouldn't spout this shit at you knowing you're married with a family.

What kind of person does that?

And that's if you believe what he's saying. And I don't. I don't think he believes you're the love of his life. I don't think this is a Disney fairytale in the offing. I don't believe a word of it

Block. He's a knob. And you're an idiot frankly for entertaining it.

Monkeylimas · 11/08/2023 20:08

You may think you wouldn’t have an affair so why are you entertaining this? I presume your husband knows about all the messages you are sending to one another and you would be happy for him to read them. If you haven’t told him or wouldn’t like him to see then you ARE on a slippery slope already. You may not be shagging but you are opening the windows to this man.

I stand by reading that book I recommended.

Also think about his character. He’s shy and unable to speak about how he feels. He approaches married women. Doesn’t sound like a good catch to me.

Hawkins009 · 11/08/2023 20:14

I can understand your frustrations and perspective op, I'm similar in that what if an ex had stayed together, that said all communications I leave up-to them as they are similar married, etc.

Overall I guess try to appricate your dh, yes it's easy to focus on the what if, but unless we can time travel or parallel universe, it's a mix

RosieShacklebolt · 11/08/2023 20:23

As has been said, block and ignore and move on. Your what ifs will fade with time as any crush might. This man doesn't sound great to be honest, whether you gave inklings as to how you felt or not...he's messing with you. Hindsight is often rose tinted especially if you seemed to have a previous spark but his actions aren't great tbh. Your marriage sounds great, stick with it - you say you won't have an affair so that's great but thought it still merited saying.

Original poster
KinderEggg · 11/08/2023 20:35

I know this situation makes him sound like a bad guy…but he’s not, except for contacting a married woman when he’s married himself. But I have reconnected with old friends before, I didn’t think I’d be think what ifs.

He was a great friend, used to treat me to breakfast, help me out with work, give me lifts etc. He used to speak so highly of me to anyone who knew me. Which makes it harder to let go of the what ifs.

I don’t know why he had to contact me again.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 11/08/2023 20:40

*I just don’t know why he had to contact me. I wish he never did. But I was thinking of him before he did which I found weird.

I think both of us will always miss each other in our youth it seems.*

You need to stop this right now. And by stop, I mean stop speaking to him at all. You say that neither of you would ever have an affair, and while that may be true - you are massively disrespecting your DH by having any contact with this man at all. By the sound of it, he hasn't been in touch for years (it's not like he has been a friend all along) so there is no reason to start now - especially since you are having those what if thoughts. Would you be ok with your DH reconnecting with someone he had been romantically interested in and still wondered about?

Even if your answer is "yes" this is still not appropriate. Seriously, just stop the contact and stop with the what ifs. You're a grown up, surely you understand how pointless it is to think bout what might have happened of you had dated the other guy? More than likely, you'd be the wife he divorced because he sounds awfully flaky and someone who runs hot and cold. But IT DOESN'T MATTER. You have a good life right now with the choices you've already made. Now is not the time to make a bad one and mess up your family. Pull yourself together and forget this nonsense and block him. There is no good reason for you to be answering any of his questions/chatting to him at all. Just block and move on or You're going to screw up the good you've already got going in your life. Do you want to take that risk?

sodthesodoff · 11/08/2023 20:57

I stand by my earlier statement he's a knob. But with your subsequent posts you can join him.

Why are you posting here? Did you want someone to say why yes this sounds romantic. Follow your dreams.

However many sodding breakfasts he got you he's knowingly and intentionally messing with a married woman's head. So yeah he sounds totes amazing.

Knock yourself out.

Think your husband deserves better tbh.

Random458 · 11/08/2023 21:13

You keep saying you won't have an affair, so what's the point of all this then? Stop feeding into those kind of thoughts of "what if?". Don't give it anymore energy.

I'm sure you would be pretty upset if your husband was having these thoughts over someone from his past. Just be mature about it and forget it. Focus on something else until those thoughts go away. No good is coming from thinking about it and letting it mess with your head

AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 04:50

He wants an affair. If you're serous in your commitment to your husband you'd block this man. It's not a love story, he's just horny, bored and trying his luck. Don't throw away a good life for a fantasy.

AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 04:52

Sorry but you're being really annoying. Frustratingly, so.
'He was a great friend, used to treat me to breakfast, help me out with work, give me lifts etc. He used to speak so highly of me to anyone who knew me. Which makes it harder to let go of the what ifs.'

So what are you saying your husband never gave you a shoulder rub, cooked a meal or brought you a cup of tea, never did any nice gesture for you? You're idolising this man and risking an affair for pathetic little trivial gestures.