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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

37 replies

thegirlwiththegemearring · 11/08/2023 15:12

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He’s such a lovely lovely boyfriend, treats me really well. I am a chronic overthinker and I can’t help but feel that things are changing a bit for him. The problem is, when I ask him about these, he reassures me that absolutely nothing is wrong. It results in arguments about me not trusting him.

It’s only tiny things but they all add up, like:

  • whenever I go to work, he waves out the window (silly I know). This morning he didn’t; he said he was “running late”.
  • he always rings me on his lunch if we can, I said I’m WFH today so am definitely available but he has just chosen not to
  • we aren’t having sex often because we are really tired and busy, and he’s really tired in the morning
  • just seems generally off with me

He claims absolutely nothing is wrong, and is becoming frustrated that I keep asking because it means I don’t trust him. He said I should be able to take his word for it. He said he doesn’t understand why I feel like he’s being off, because he’s definitely not.

Another thing is sometimes I feel he dismisses me. I told him I was nervous about sending an email at work, and he was being supportive about it. He did say, though, that “this is why we’re so different, because I would just press send”. I felt this was unnecessary comment to make. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t understand or accept that I am different to thing and I am an overthinker.

I don’t really know what to do, I can’t shake this horrible feeling but there’s nothing else I can do

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirlwiththegemearring · 11/08/2023 15:13

Sorry I don’t think that’s a very coherent post, my head feels a bit scrambled. He just doesn’t seem overly present with me but he promises he is, and then he said the same about me

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirlwiththegemearring · 11/08/2023 15:14

Sorry… he also says I don’t just “let things be”, for example I’ll get upset if he doesn’t do/say something he normally does, but says I should just let it happen instead of getting upset

OP posts:
Loopylune · 11/08/2023 15:15

Sorry but I think you sound like you’ve got issues that maybe you need to sort out or run the risk of ruining your relationship!

It’s very needy to expect someone to wave to you and call you every day at lunch time, and support you writing emails. I’m surprised he’s not run for the hills already but he will probably be getting his trainers on if you keep this up!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/08/2023 15:15

If he is pulling away it's probably because you are coming across as quite controlling.

You need to learn how to deal with your overthinking and not make it his problem. It doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong.

Original poster
thegirlwiththegemearring · 11/08/2023 15:16

It’s the way we’ve always been, I’ve never asked him to call me on lunches, it’s just something he always wanted to do. And now it’s changed just like that. He just keeps moaning at me that I don’t just let things happen - but then they don’t

OP posts:
Loopylune · 11/08/2023 15:17

You probably don’t mean to be controlling but I agree that’s what’s happening. Imagine getting stick for not calling your partner at lunch time!! 😳

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/08/2023 15:17

Things like that will always simmer down in a relationship though. DH and I used to text all day every day, but then slowly it stopped and now we text when we need to.

Loopylune · 11/08/2023 15:18

Yeah but when you’ve been together a while you need to realise all of that new fun let’s call each other all the time thing wears off a bit! He’s probably quite secure in the relationship now and doesn’t feel the need to call you every five minutes!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/08/2023 15:18

Broadly speaking, what was the nature of the email that needed discussions and support? As in was it HR, grievance, sales, meeting notes etc?

GingerIsBest · 11/08/2023 15:19

Well, you do sound very needy. Also a bit immature - of course relationships evolve and so the cute little things that happen in the beginning, do change. In the ideal world, it shifts to something else. For example, DH used to write me little notes or set the bed up for me quite often. He never does any of that anymore. On the other hand, he's become a proper partner and does his share of the cleaning/cooking/childcare, much of which didn't come naturally to him.

ie the sweet romantic gestures have slowed down significantly but have been replaced with real world, practical love and concern and respect.

On the email, I sympathise as I appreciate it must be hard for you if you're stressed about it. But people who overanalyse, over think and get worked up about small things can be absolutely draining. I bet that email is not the only thing that you've got worked up about in the last while? DH can be a bit like this and he regularly acknowledges that one of the good things about our relationship is that I've helped him to cut through some of this over thinking and be more rational.

You need to work on your issues before you lose this relationship.

Original poster
thegirlwiththegemearring · 11/08/2023 15:20

The email was due to me resigning and I had been nervous about sending it for a loooong time. It was just a passing comment of “eeeek I don’t want to press send!” And he was like “just press that button you got this” but then just an unnecessary comment of how different we are. He said we’re not on the same page about anything at the moment :(

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/08/2023 15:24

So if you've been talking about sending this email for "a loooong time" I can see why it would be very frustrating. I also don't think it's that normal to be so scared about sending an email so I can see why he said that as well. People often give advice by putting themselves in your situation.

It doesn't sound like you are on the same page. What have you done to address your overthinking?

Cornishclio · 11/08/2023 15:24

Often things do evolve in a relationship once past the first flush and I agree maybe your overthinking is reading too much into things. Ringing up every lunchtime, waving goodbye etc is maybe something you would coat the start of a relationship but unlikely to carry on. Maybe work on being more self reliant as you sound quite needy.

Susurrar · 11/08/2023 15:26

I agree with pp that maybe there are some trust/controlling issues to work through first.
On the other hand, I have things in my relationship that aren’t healthy by MN standards. For example, DP always calls me when he’s in the car, on his way home from work and sometimes it’s a 30-40 minute chat. I would be concerned something is off if he didn’t do it. So you may be right if you’re feeling he is somewhat withdrawn by your standards but I would really be asking myself why… is it possible that maybe you’re asking too much?

PetersSpecialCheese · 11/08/2023 15:27

You are totally sabotaging this relationship. You will literally drive him away if you continue to behave like this.

GingerIsBest · 11/08/2023 15:29

thegirlwiththegemearring · 11/08/2023 15:20

The email was due to me resigning and I had been nervous about sending it for a loooong time. It was just a passing comment of “eeeek I don’t want to press send!” And he was like “just press that button you got this” but then just an unnecessary comment of how different we are. He said we’re not on the same page about anything at the moment :(

If you'd been nervous for a while though, how often had you discussed it? how much had you talked about resigning? How often had you debated the pros and cons with him or wondered about the best way to do it?

Because by the time you made this "passing comment" it seems quite likely to me that he'd simply lost all interest in the discussion....

Original poster
thegirlwiththegemearring · 11/08/2023 15:30

It’s not my behaviour, it’s something we have both actively chosen to do throughout our relationship and it’s the fact that he has stopped.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/08/2023 15:33

Well OP you can't police his behaviour. If you don't feel secure in the relationship then it's time to end it. If his sudden change in behaviour is upsetting you or causing you to not feel happy and content then you either leave the relationship or accept this is how it is. Grilling him about why he's not doing things, arguing about things and not letting things go is not the way to build a healthy relationship

Bandyarsia · 11/08/2023 15:36

Honestly.. you need to take a step back and grow up a little. The poor bloke can't do right for doing wrong with the big list of absolutely ridiculous things you get upset about if he doesn’t do/say something he normally does. You expect way too much and it sounds like he is getting fed up with it and I don't blame him. It's not healthy and it's not fair. If you don't feel secure over these things then end it because you are just making 2 people miserable going on the way you are.

BlingLoving · 11/08/2023 15:41

Nicely OP, it's interesting that you you simply say, "it's not my behaviour" without answering any of the questions about things like the email and how that came about.

You are pointing out things he's "stopped" which are, frankly, quite minor and totally normal in a longer term relationship. Less sex, fewer phone calls etc. All of which is completely standard in a healthy relationship.

But I also wonder if he doesn't call as often as you're just going to give him a long tale of woe about whatever was going on that day?

PackettInn · 11/08/2023 15:41

Christ this is suffocating.

DragonDoor · 11/08/2023 15:50

He did say, though, that “this is why we’re so different, because I would just press send”. I felt this was unnecessary comment to make.

Sometimes I feel he doesn’t understand or accept that I am different to thing and I am an overthinker.

These statements contradict each other.

Sorry… he also says I don’t just “let things be”, for example I’ll get upset if he doesn’t do/say something he normally does, but says I should just let it happen instead of getting upset

How do you think your partner feels in these situations? I would feel very tense if my partner expected me to do and say everything the same all the time. Sometimes people can be tired, or have other things on their mind and may not think to kiss goodbye or offer a cup of tea or whatever

It’s very egocentric to expect a relationship to revolve around only you and your need for reassurance.

Namechange666 · 11/08/2023 15:54

I'm sorry op but the posts are unanimously saying the same thing. I agree with them all. You need to learn to relax.

Dery · 11/08/2023 15:54

“Honestly.. you need to take a step back and grow up a little. The poor bloke can't do right for doing wrong with the big list of absolutely ridiculous things you get upset about if he doesn’t do/say something he normally does. You expect way too much and it sounds like he is getting fed up with it and I don't blame him. It's not healthy and it's not fair. If you don't feel secure over these things then end it because you are just making 2 people miserable going on the way you are.”

This.

And this:

“Christ this is suffocating.”

@thegirlwiththegemearring - I’m sure you have many good qualities but you’re coming across as way too demanding, needy and touchy here. Maybe this man isn’t for you but no healthy partner would want to be functioning within the constraints and rules you’ve laid out. You need to address your over-thinking because it’s unhealthy, it’s very evident and it’s destructive. It’s also very unattractive.

HotPringles · 11/08/2023 15:57

He said we’re not on the same page about anything at the moment :(

Now that would be an issue for me.

It might be that you are in a space where some stuff you did when you first met are falling by the way side (pretty normal). And yes it’s normal and yiu need to let it go/let things happen.
The ‘not having sex often’ might be another sign that things aren’t going well. Aka you dont prioritise each other.

It might also be that you are coming out if the honeymoon phase and it’s hard to adjust to that.

The only answer there is communication.

You need to understand in which ways he thinks you’re not in the same page - it might just be that you are feeling insecure because some things (like waving goodbye) are falling by the way side whereas he sees that as part of the relationship evolving for example. Or maybe there is something else going on you haven’t picked up on.
You might want to look at why less sex too. Tiredness can be a good reason when there is a good cause for it! Otherwise what else? And who isn’t as keen or is it both of you?