Who is in the wrong here?

[thegirlwiththegemearring]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He’s such a lovely lovely boyfriend, treats me really well. I am a chronic overthinker and I can’t help but feel that things are changing a bit for him. The problem is, when I ask him about these, he reassures me that absolutely nothing is wrong. It results in arguments about me not trusting him.

It’s only tiny things but they all add up, like:

• whenever I go to work, he waves out the window (silly I know). This morning he didn’t; he said he was “running late”.
• he always rings me on his lunch if we can, I said I’m WFH today so am definitely available but he has just chosen not to
• we aren’t having sex often because we are really tired and busy, and he’s really tired in the morning
• just seems generally off with me

He claims absolutely nothing is wrong, and is becoming frustrated that I keep asking because it means I don’t trust him. He said I should be able to take his word for it. He said he doesn’t understand why I feel like he’s being off, because he’s definitely not.

Another thing is sometimes I feel he dismisses me. I told him I was nervous about sending an email at work, and he was being supportive about it. He did say, though, that “this is why we’re so different, because I would just press send”. I felt this was unnecessary comment to make. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t understand or accept that I am different to thing and I am an overthinker.

I don’t really know what to do, I can’t shake this horrible feeling but there’s nothing else I can do

@thegirlwiththegemearring - also: why are you asking “who is in the wrong?”. It is possible for a couple to disagree between themselves and neither be wrong; you’re just different. It may mean you’re incompatible. But it doesn’t have to mean that one of you is wrong. The fact that you’re looking at it as right and wrong isn’t very helpful.

You do come across as hard going. He didn't wave to you from the window today? Please calm down.

The cute things like waving out of the window and being overly affectionate don't last forever- and it's not always a reflection on the state of your relationship. You've been together 18 months, coming out of the honeymoon phase and settling into normal daily life right? Things change, the novelty of regular sex wears off for some, the excitement of seeing each other etc.

Instead of being needy about what's changed or gone, create new things. Add spice into your life and give each other a reason to miss each other and want to be overly affectionate.

Ultimately you need to know unless he outwardly tells you or is suddenly treating you very differently or badly, it's okay. There's a lot of pressure on him right now to be over the top to reassure you he still loves you- that's a lot to deal with. Try to chill out, relax into the relationship and let things go. Ask for reassurance in more subtle ways- open discussions about your relationship, your future etc.

If you're getting upset that he doesn't wave or call every day, you need to work out why you're reacting like that- because it isn't normal. Those are lovely things but they're not necessary.

I know what you mean, OP. It’s that gut feeling that something isn’t right and has changed. If I was you, I’d probably believe it. I’m not sure what you can do about it though other than to end the relationship yourself.

OP, it's normal for things like phoning / texting to be more frequent at the beginning of a relationship and settle down over time. It doesn't mean his feelings have changed, it's just a natural progression.

And it is very irritating when someone keeps asking if thinks are alright again and again! Even if you're right and he's having some doubts about the relationship, constantly asking this will make things worse not better!

It sounds like you've got some trauma from a previous time. You're definitely over thinking and being hypervigilant to small changes, which usually means something like you had parents who would be happy and nice sometimes and then frighten you without warning (eg. they were alcoholic or bipolar).

It doesn't sound like your partner is mad at you

"...he also says I don’t just “let things be”, for example I’ll get upset if he doesn’t do/say something he normally does, but says I should just let it happen instead of getting upset"

I think getting upset if he doesn't say or do something he normally does is unreasonable, OP, sorry. It gets to a point that it's like working through a routine or ritual that must be completed to demonstrate his feelings, and that's not fun for anyone.

Feeling generally like something is off and him saying you're not on the same page about anything at the moment, though, warrants a conversation. As a PP said, communication is the answer here, as it usually is. I'd recommend some self reflection, too, about the effect it is probably having on him to feel pressure to perform certain actions repeatedly in order not to upset you.

Sounds like he is a bit drained by your neediness... Sorry...

But people don't carry on doing the same things forever. They don't have to. The honeymoon period is when these little things like lots of calls/waving out the window etc happen. Relationships evolve. Did you expect everything to stay the same?

You sound overly needy, that's not going to wash in the long term. You are exhausting him. you need to back off or you'll lose him.

Ending it or putting up with it are very drastic measures. Has 'having a conversation' occurred to you as something couples might do? Seriously, people have confidence wobbles at times. That's what talking is for

She's had multiple conversations. It's in the OP