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Original poster

My FWB has fizzled out and I'm devastated

50 replies

Carrotcake85 · 10/08/2023 20:46

I'm in my 40s and this was my first relationship since my dead end, sexless marriage ended. He is younger than me, very good looking and charming and it was the best sex I've ever had in my life. BUT it never fully developed into a proper relationship as I never trusted him as far as I could throw him, he has been on the dating app that we met on the whole way through our time together, we have been seeing each other for over a year. There have been other red flags as well , nothing abusive but just in relation to his character.
Anyway logic would say I should not want anything to do with him but I am hopelessly in love with him. I have tried to get it to fizzle out as I know it isn't a healthy relationship/FWB. Half of me wants it to fizzle out as I know it's the right thing to do, the other half of me doesn't as I just want him.
Anyway cut to now and I haven't heard from him in over a week and this is the longest I've not heard from him. He's never done this before and I'm now coming to terms with the fact that it has fizzled out and honestly I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, I'm absolutely heartbroken. The signs were there leading up to this and I wasn't helping matters as I was contributing to it fizzling out as well but now that it has I'm just gutted.
I have an overwhelming urge to contact him but I know I shouldn't.
Don't know what I'm asking here , it's a textbook heart versus head situation.
Just didn't think I would feel heartbreak like this when I know he's not good for me.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 10/08/2023 20:50

I’m sorry this is a rubbish situation and it’s understandable you’re upset.
I would be in two minds to reach out to him too. Does he usually message you first or have you contacted since you last spoke?

If he’s been on the dating site the full time and has made it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship then as horrible as it’s feeling now, it’s probably for the best to prevent you getting even more hurt further down the road.

Blazingunicorns · 10/08/2023 20:56

Op, I have been exactly in this position and it hurts like hell. It does get better slowly but I only really fully recovered by finding someone new. I think the first time (FWB) you think they are the one and only but it really isn’t true! Try a married dating site or similar to find someone new. At least get talking to some new people to take your mind off of him. PM me if you like.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 10/08/2023 20:56

I’m in a similar situation (in fact we’re we fucking the same guy? 😂 ) He’s from another country but in my city in business frequently. Anyway, I thought he was ghosting me (he was) so I sent him a nice message saying, not sure if you’re busy or if you’re ghosting me, if so that’s that’s unnecessary, I value honesty so all you had to do was say if you wanted to end things. Have a nice summer. He didn’t reply to that, it stings but now I know and I’m not stressing about what’s going on. Ultimately he’s immature even though he’s a great lay. Good luck!

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 10/08/2023 20:58

Sorry, If I wasn’t clear, yes you should message him. Be adult, dignified and direct. Whatever happens, you’ll know the answer after that text.

category12 · 10/08/2023 21:01

You were trying to fizzle it out for good reasons, presumably.

So just because it's painful, doesn't mean you should go chasing after him now. Ride out the feelings, they will pass.

ZolaBudd · 10/08/2023 21:01

It’s really tough.

kd say DO NOT TEXT

ZolaBudd · 10/08/2023 21:01

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 10/08/2023 20:58

Sorry, If I wasn’t clear, yes you should message him. Be adult, dignified and direct. Whatever happens, you’ll know the answer after that text.

don’t.

NooNaNa · 10/08/2023 21:02

Blazingunicorns · 10/08/2023 20:56

Op, I have been exactly in this position and it hurts like hell. It does get better slowly but I only really fully recovered by finding someone new. I think the first time (FWB) you think they are the one and only but it really isn’t true! Try a married dating site or similar to find someone new. At least get talking to some new people to take your mind off of him. PM me if you like.

Why on earth would it be a good idea for the op to sign up to a married dating site? Surely they are full of deceitful losers with no hope of a future together.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 10/08/2023 21:14

@ZolaBudd why not? Right now she doesn’t know what’s happening and it’s driving her crazy. They’ve been shagging for over a year, why not just ask? Playing games is childish

Caprisunny · 10/08/2023 21:16

She does know what going on. It’s fizzling out. She is certain of it.

category12 · 10/08/2023 21:18

Caprisunny · 10/08/2023 21:16

She does know what going on. It’s fizzling out. She is certain of it.

And she even wants it to fizzle out.

So best thing to do is let it go, feel her feelings and move on.

Superfood · 10/08/2023 21:20

Blazingunicorns · 10/08/2023 20:56

Op, I have been exactly in this position and it hurts like hell. It does get better slowly but I only really fully recovered by finding someone new. I think the first time (FWB) you think they are the one and only but it really isn’t true! Try a married dating site or similar to find someone new. At least get talking to some new people to take your mind off of him. PM me if you like.

Is that a typo or did you just suggest that the op should sign up to a site for married people looking to cheat on their partners???

ZolaBudd · 10/08/2023 21:33

She does know

its obvious

Cupcakekiller · 10/08/2023 21:42

Aw OP, I've been there which is why now I'd rather be celibate than have a FWB. It sounds good in theory but I have to like someone a lot and connect emotionally to have sex with them and then I end up falling for them.

Delete and block on everything. Messaging is futile and will only keep you hanging on.

Dery · 10/08/2023 21:54

@Carrotcake85 - this guy will always hurt you if you’re hopelessly in love with him because he means much more to you you than you do to him. Let it fizzle. Yes, it hurts now but the sooner you face this pain, the sooner you will be through it and out the other side.

Original poster
Carrotcake85 · 10/08/2023 21:58

Thanks everyone for your replies. He has always been the one to text first usually so not hearing from him for this long is totally out of character.
I suspect he has met someone else and just hoping things will fade out. I can't bring myself to text him as I dont want to hear the answer , I would rather continue like this and work it out for myself, as bizarre as that sounds.. seeing it on black and white from him will be too painful.
I basically have no peace of mind with him as I can't trust him.

OP posts:
honeybonbon · 10/08/2023 22:06

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Catoo · 10/08/2023 22:24

I’m sorry OP.
In a similar situation here. I’m letting him go but it’s so hard.
Agree that having it confirmed will be painful to read. I’ve started doing new things to distract me. And reframing that I am glad we had the time we did.
We’ll get through it!
hugs x

Hawkins009 · 10/08/2023 22:28

Ill admit I can see how easily it is to begin with "taking care of business" which leads to emotions development, me and my arrangement, have agreed it's purely business, first and foremost, that said its a slippily line to cross, especially when your close and can chat, discuss different topics confidentially (obviously within reason, especially if they were compromised)

That said I understand your perspective and frustration, op, I'd say presume it's fizzled, but obviously hope for the best.

Fishpieandchips · 10/08/2023 22:40

Cupcakekiller · 10/08/2023 21:42

Aw OP, I've been there which is why now I'd rather be celibate than have a FWB. It sounds good in theory but I have to like someone a lot and connect emotionally to have sex with them and then I end up falling for them.

Delete and block on everything. Messaging is futile and will only keep you hanging on.

This 100%

He will only continue to hurt you
Have the pain once and have it now.

When you are ready, try again but not with a fwb. That's asking for trouble.

OwlFC · 10/08/2023 23:19

There's some very weird comments on this thread Confused

A FWB arrangement shouldn't lead to all this angst. What you had was you wanting a relationship and falling in love and him not wanting that and making it clear

Your OP says he wasn't treating you well, yet you put up with this for a year?

I'd work on your boundaries and self esteem and then begin to date knowing your worth and not talking yourself into fuck buddy type arrangements when it doesn't sound like this is what you're after

Oh and don't message him. Not unless you really want to give him the opportunity to reject you twice

MMmomDD · 10/08/2023 23:32

OP - you are not ‘in love’ with this guy!
You just fell ‘in lust’ - after years of bad sex. And its easy to really crave the good sex.
But - you are in your 40s and if he is younger - he is in a different phase of life. He may still be looking to date to have kids. You are NOT in thay phase any longer - so this is probably the main reason it had no potential to develop anywhere.

But - since this is giving you so much anguish - just remember you are a grown up, and not some wilting violet.
Just text the guy if you are curious as to what is going on. Take control of your life back!

Besttobe8001 · 10/08/2023 23:54

You absolutely don't text and "ask what's happening" and then wait for a reply like you're in a Jane Austen novel, no no no. No!

If you must text him it's to TELL HIM what's happening, "it was lovely spending the time together but I think it's time for us to both move on, best of luck with everything".

Goodness woman take your energy back from this chancer and move on with your life.

guineacup · 11/08/2023 06:56

This isn't really a FWB, as you weren't really friends, just fuck-buddies.

You've learnt that you're not able to disentangle your heart from sex - most women aren't and these arrangements almost invariably end up with someone wanting more.... And that to avoid something similar, you either remain celibate or look for a proper relationship.

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/08/2023 07:05

This is exactly why FWB rarely works for women and I never recommend them on MN.

Emotions get in the way and it becomes problematic. You say you are in love with him. How then did it come to this that you are in love with a man whom you are shagging but he is still on a dating website and doesn't give a shit about you? You are being used. Talk about having your cake and eating it. These men must be loving all this. Do you think these men are stressing about us and writing on their forums about it? Are they fuck! Toughen up OP and do not contact him again.

Seriously: look for a nice relationship with a nice man who wants to commit. If all you want is sex, try a discrete website, hook up site or a swingers club. At least that's honest.