My FWB has fizzled out and I'm devastated

[Carrotcake85]

I'm in my 40s and this was my first relationship since my dead end, sexless marriage ended. He is younger than me, very good looking and charming and it was the best sex I've ever had in my life. BUT it never fully developed into a proper relationship as I never trusted him as far as I could throw him, he has been on the dating app that we met on the whole way through our time together, we have been seeing each other for over a year. There have been other red flags as well , nothing abusive but just in relation to his character.
Anyway logic would say I should not want anything to do with him but I am hopelessly in love with him. I have tried to get it to fizzle out as I know it isn't a healthy relationship/FWB. Half of me wants it to fizzle out as I know it's the right thing to do, the other half of me doesn't as I just want him.
Anyway cut to now and I haven't heard from him in over a week and this is the longest I've not heard from him. He's never done this before and I'm now coming to terms with the fact that it has fizzled out and honestly I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, I'm absolutely heartbroken. The signs were there leading up to this and I wasn't helping matters as I was contributing to it fizzling out as well but now that it has I'm just gutted.
I have an overwhelming urge to contact him but I know I shouldn't.
Don't know what I'm asking here , it's a textbook heart versus head situation.
Just didn't think I would feel heartbreak like this when I know he's not good for me.

Yeah, don't text him.

Sorry to say that it's almost four years since I last had sex with Mr Shagtastic here and I still think of him every day. But it doesn't hurt any more, it stopped actually hurting quite quickly.

Do some nice things, preferably involving exercise and friends - fill your life as much as possible. Take a bit of time before you date again if you can, just because you don't want to end up punishing someone nice for your Benefits guy's actions (not calling him a friend).

Been here. It's not nice. It's also not love, it's infatuation, and as a pp said, the hurt will fade quite quickly.

The problem with these arrangements is that you could easily 'lose' a year or more of your life in a state of limbo, not actually being nourished.

I think you should block, as there's a strong chance you'll get a random text from this guy one night and it could undo all the 'healing' you've done.

You'll feel better in a couple of weeks - do something nice for yourself and make some plans so you're not moping around.

I thought the same. Absolutely terrible advice. Yes there may be married couples both on such a site, but the OP is wounded already and she's being advised to shag someone else who's also unavailable?

Please stop feeding this troll. It's derailing the ops thread.

I’d have thought that’s what a FWB is largely? Married? 🤷‍♀️

Ah I know how u feel op, I met a guy 33 I'm 41, handsome amazing body and we were shagging 3 times a week, I was proper in lust. We had an amazing evening together or so I thought, he asked if I wanted to stay over his the next night and I was really looking forward to it but he ignored my messages and I never heard from him again. Was gutted when I found out he met someone else even older than me . Its so difficult I've tried moving on but like you he was the best i had ever had and so my type, nobody else does it for me.

I'm in this boat too.

Older man, very experienced, but wrote himself off for me when he admitted that he'd cheated on his ex wife with hundreds of women.

At the time I thought a lover would work for me. He didn't have to suit me. But I fell for him, even while knowing his history/character precluded him.

It ended at Easter and I'm still pining!!

A very wise friend once said to me: it's much easier to work out if you like someone before you fuck them.

Once you start having sex, your body often responds as if you have a lasting bond, even if in your head it's just a casual thing. Or maybe that's just the way I'm wired. It sounds like it's how you're wired too OP, so next time work out if you like them before you fuck them!

Ah this happens lovely

he’s clearly very very emotionally unavailable

problem is he will pop back when he wants sex
this is almost a given

this is life’s way of telling you that you have put him in the wrong box

you can and will heal
but totally eradication is sadly the only way

also avoid dating as to start with no one will match up which will make you feel worse

Hi OP,

Well you can't do anything about his behaviour or actions so why not take a step away and think about your own situation in this.

The pros:
Your sex life together was great, you loved connecting with someone and having fun.

The cons:
The lack of commitment took its toll and made you feel insecure.

Listen you're only mid 40's, clearly have a healthy sex drive and are attractive yourself. These are all great things and should not be taken for granted. You have come out of a bad marriage but it has not put you off men, sex or fun.

You deserve to enjoy life. Dust yourself down, mentally shake off this timewaster while being grateful for the good times you had and get out there again.

Now you know what you want; a guy you have the hots for, is fun but looking for something monogamous.

Presumably you're not looking for someone to support you financially or have kids with.

Get out there and have fun. See this fella as your stabilisers which you no longer need. He served his purpose.

Aworldofwonder

that’s such a lovely and positive way to look at it
thanks i needed to read that

Great idea!

can’t help wondering when did FWB become a thing?

Is it a recent thing that folk do?

can’t help wondering when did FWB become a thing?

its a combination of:

covid messing people up

emotionally unavailable people (both genders !) post divorce

men that are basically scared 😱 but v horny

and the sheer abundance of sex available online

it’s messy ! This is just my opinion and not fact

Great idea! can’t help wondering when did FWB become a thing? Is it a recent thing that folk do?

It seems to be the new "cool" name for what used just to be called a casual relationship or a fling. Most of the time, they don't actually seem to be friends, just two people who shag, but who don't want the trapping of being in a relationship, until almost inevitably one does - usually the woman but not always - and it all goes wrong.

I have a similar situation. Fell hopelessly for a guy who at first seemed very loving/future-planning but actually was lacking in empathy, self-absorbed and most likely narcissistic. I was passively trying to sabotage it the whole time, but when he suddenly ghosted me I was DEVASTATED. Never felt like that before, agony. And almost impossible to combat because it was totally illogical-- I KNEW he was lacking and unsuitable but I still felt love. It must be chemical because that is the only way I can explain the way I took leave of my senses for such an unworthy nob (even as I type, the part of my brain that still loves him is listing his virtues and defending him).

You have my sympathy, it is absolutely awful, especially when you don't have that closure. I'm still struggling but it is getting very slowly better. Some good days some bad. I would happily never experience this type of 'love' again, it's a total uncontrollable shit show.

You thought you could have sex with one man multiple times without giving a shit - just like men can.
Nope. Attachment is created by doing that (in women). Look into it.
Back in the 1980s this was called "FTF" - Friends that fuck.
Guess who got their hearts broken and guess who wanted to push women into doing it because it was "Feminist"? 40 years later this garbage is still being pushed?
You have been used for sex by a young man who has now moved on, although he may call you at some future point for easy sex. Come on now, you must think you deserve better - or maybe you don't?

I'm just so heartbroken, I fell hard for him. But the whole time we were together he was updating his dating profile.
To be honest , I knew deep down he was sleeping with other girls and was always worried about catching something so that's what I mean about never having any peace of mind.
But still he made me feel so wanted and attractive especially after my dead passionless marriage.
He was part of my life almost everyday for over a year and so I feel like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms.
I know I said he was a FWB, but he was more than that. We went to cinema together, watched movies together, went ice-skating etc
I'm worried I will never feel like this about anyone again and that I won't have this amazing physical chemistry with anyone else.
Also the thought of him with another girl makes me feel sick

Aw I'm sorry @Carrotcake85 it's clear you really loved him.

It'll take time but draw a line now. He wasn't giving you what you wanted and this relationship was making you feel bad.

You deserve more. Don't settle for this.

Theres probably a lot of feelings from the end of your marriage and your fear about the future that you're projecting onto this person and the relationship.

Op I feel like you're not grieving him so much as grieving the way he made you feel: alive, passionate, attractive, desired. Once you have those things they're really, really hard to lose. I sympathise

???? No?

It's being fuck buddies. Quite a few of my friends have them, none of them are married.

I don't know why everyone is acting like fuck buddies and FWB are some modern thing and a symptom of recent times, my mam had one in the 60's lmao. It's not new to have casual, commitment free sex with someone you like. Pretty sure you can date it back to the dawn of humanity.

“To be honest , I knew deep down he was sleeping with other girls and was always worried about catching something so that's what I mean about never having any peace of mind. “

@Carrotcake85 this sounds really tough, and I agree with others it’s like a chemical reaction once you have sex with a man and you feel more bonded to them, so doing this over a year there was a high chance of you getting attached.

I’d say don’t text, and take this time to really work on your self esteem and perhaps sign up for therapy if that’s possible. It’s sad to hear you’ve been risking your health like that. A girl I knew ended up contracting HIV at age 21 because of this sort of thing. She only found out when she fell pregnant by the guy who gave her the virus. You’ve had a lucky escape!

I think FWB is actually worse than casual hookups for the risk of this - you went bloody ice skating with the guy?? I remember Mr Shagtastic suggesting we went on a date to a gallery rather than just meeting to shag, and I said no because what was the point? If he'd taken me out as well it would have hurt twice as much.

I just want to give you a hug at this point. Him not having the guts to finish it properly is weak. Look after yourself.

But surely that was the "friends" part of being "friends with benefits"? Doing things together as well as sex.

If it's just fucking then it's just a booty call/fuck-buddies.

Anyhow, it hurts now, but you will recover. Just make sure you take this as the ending and don't pick up with him again when he comes sniffing back round for a shag.

It felt so good because you had been starved for passion for years in your marriage - but it's so unhealthy in terms of your self-esteem, knowing he was chasing other women all the time as well.

Look for someone you can have both with, the passion and someone who is emotionally available to you.

There was a recent ish thread about these first 'relationships' after bad marriage at our age. So many posters felt the same absolute heartbreak, which I did too. It was a relationship for me not a fwb but although I'm over it, in so far as I don't feel upset over it, I am not over him. I still chat to him loads though I don't see him (my choice), but I still want him. I know if I see him, it will be harder. There's still a part of me that daydreams about us growing old together. I don't see him, to protect me from myself 🙈