DH can't accept possible autism diagnosis

[Slimmum32]

Just that really. Our dd who's 8 had to move from mainstream schooling to a specialist setting a year ago as she couldn't cope. She seems to be doing better but teachers and other professionals have hinted that she could possibly be on the autistic spectrum. I have accepted this for what it is as I have seen asd traits in her develop over the years i.e stimming, arm waving, sensory issues. She also can be quite hyper and has trouble sitting still and retaining information so possible adhd/add there too. Whatever it is I'm willing to accept it and give her the best possible start in life and support her however she needs. My family are on the same page. My DH is not so accepting and is refusing to even accept that these things exist. He doesn't believe in autism or adhd and has lost his rag on several occasions when people have, in his words, "tried to label her". He doesn't want her to have an assessment but she is on the waiting list for one and im not going to take her off just because of him. It's really draining me now as I've dealt with all of this so far on my own and I'm pinning for a supportive partner but it's not happening. Has anyone else had issues with their partner/spouse not accept asd/add etc? I'm afraid that this will end us as it's looking that way. Please no aggressive replies, just some support.

You don't think that you are also autistic? If not then its very likely that he is, see if you can get him to do an online Raads R test as maybe that might start him on his own path.

For most children, it’s not a label; it’s a ticket.

A diagnosis enables them to access support that would otherwise be closed to them. For my DD, it has allowed her to understand herself and not feel like there’s something wrong with her.

No two people with autism are the same, but support in the UK is patchy at best and is not open to people without a diagnosis of autism. This applies to most autism specific secondary schools too, which may be a better fit for your daughter than mainstream or SEMH schools.

Your husband’s anger at the suggestion might actually be part of his process of coming to terms with it- it’s hard, and people react in different ways. It doesn’t mean he won’t get there. Good luck 💐

Maybe he recognises similarities to himself and is scared?

It's very possible he's autistic himself. My husband hates any and all suggestion of his own autism, doesn't believe in it, I apparently see it in everyone (I don't... I just see it in autistic people). What a treat for him when eldest DC was referred to ASD assessment pathway by two separate medical professionals. I know who DC gets it from. It ain't me.

Explain how your DC is out of mainstream education without a diagnosis? Not sure how it is poss to access a special school without a diagnosis

Just be careful as your DH can withdraw your DD from any/all assessments and treatments. Whether you are still with him or not.

He doesn't believe in autism or adhd and has lost his rag on several occasions when people have, in his words, "tried to label her".

Well I can see his point.

I have in my family a child who is "a little bit different" and honestly we celebrate that rather than condemning it.

Sounds like your husband is the same, accepting the child for who they are.

My ExH was like this when I referred DD for assessment - Although we were divorced and I disagreed with him, I had followed his wishes up until her mental health started noticabley suffering and she approached me asking to be assessed. Funnily enough, once she was diagnosed, ExH was so shocked, he got assessed and was diagnosed himself.

It was a battle up until that point - but I think because the stuff being flagged up about DD was what he considered everyone's experience, because it was similar to his own, he thought that people were trying to see something "wrong" about her.

Just to be clear btw, @EmilyBrontesGhost , I have always celebrated my daughter. I do not condemn her neurodiversity. Seeking assessment wasn't about labelling for the sake of it - we live in a world that is geared around neurotypical experience, which can put a lot of pressure on neurodiverse people and in recognising difference, she is provided with context and validation and reasonable adjustments can be made for her where appropriate.

Funnily enough, ExH has done a full 180 and is now the first to pipe up to professionals that DD is autistic if he feels this is relevant to things like equality within education and suchlike. I just wish it hadn't been such a battle, as in the years up to diagnosis, he had been saying to DD things like "there's nothing wrong with you" (as if being autistic means something is "wrong" with a person rather than different) - it meant that by the time she got her diagnosis, DD had built up quite a negative picture of what being autistic means.

Well I can see his point.

I have in my family a child who is "a little bit different" and honestly we celebrate that rather than condemning it.

But the OP's child isn't "a little bit different". Their dd has been unable to cope in a mainstream school. The placement broke down to the extent that she has been given a place in a specialist setting. That is going to be a lot more than "a little bit different".

OP - how does he marry up the fact she now needs specialist schooling, with his belief that she doesn't have any condition that is being suggested ?

This is a great post.

From what you told us you have recognised that your daughter could have ASD, ADHD or some other condition. Meanwhile your husband does not want to get her an assessment and tells you that their is no such thing as asd, ADHD ect.
Your life is difficult enough with trying to get an assessment for your daughter and as she has gotten older you can see more markers towards ASD etc. She has been moved into a specialist school and with an assessment she can get the support she needs to reach her full potential long term.

I would bring your husbands parents and close friends over to your house and have your daughter minded elsewhere.
In front of these people I would tell your husband I have bought these people here to let them know about X (daughters name) and the problems she has. Tell them my husband keeps telling me that their is no such thing as asd, ADHD ect and is refusing to acknowledge that our daughter needs an assessment and help.

Can you tell my husband to stop being an idiot because I had enough of his current behaviour and the stress he is causing me.
I then give your husband a good slap across the face and tell him it about time he realised that your mad with his current behaviour. Let his family and friends see how upset you are

Tell him he either lets your daughter get an assessment and starts to support you and your daughter or other wise he will arrive home to find the locks changed and he can move in with someone here.

Your husband is being an idiot and he needs people to tell him to cop on.

It not easy to acknowledge that their is something wrong with your child. You husband thinks if he ignores this it will go away but in reality your daughter life will get harder as she gets older.

I know that Keith Duffy who's with boyzone has a daughter called Mia. Mia was diagnosed as having ASD. She is now in her early 20s, has a degree and a job. If you Google his name and then hers you see more information about her.
The autism society in the UK, As I am (Irish autism group) have good websites.
Your doing the right thing for your daughter and your husband needs to realise this.

He doesn't believe in autism or adhd and has lost his rag on several occasions when people have, in his words, "tried to label her".

He’s an absolute fool. He clearly sees anything like that as a personal slight on him. Is he that self-involved in other ways? I imagine he is.

Does he want her life to be harder by denying her support and access to things that will help her?

As I said, he’s a complete fool.

Your husband needs to try not look at it solely as a label, it provides support and helps them through their life and gives them understanding of who they are. I am a father and I have two autistic children and I am likely autistic too.

It's confusing and hard knowing you are different but without any understanding of why, especially as you grow older and become an adult. I'm referring myself to find out and to get an understanding.

It doesn't mean your child is inferior in any way, to me it's the opposite, they shine almost. It's hard navigating but mine are the most amazing children with good hearts and they excel in what they like and know, it's mind blowing. I wouldn't change them for the world and a diagnosis was the best thing for them.

Hibiscrubbed · Today 10:34
He doesn't believe in autism or adhd and has lost his rag on several occasions when people have, in his words, "tried to label her".

He’s an absolute fool. He clearly sees anything like that as a personal slight on him. Is he that self-involved in other ways? I imagine he is.

Does he want her life to be harder by denying her support and access to things that will help her?

As I said, he’s a complete fool.
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This too is a great post.

You see his point? What other medical conditions would he have a point in not believing in? That it would be perfectly fine for him to lose his rag over the suggestion of a diagnosis?

OP, your husband is a dickhead. Ignore him.

I’d imagine her child has an EHCP naming a specialist setting, a diagnosis isn’t essential for a specialist school place. Many of my DS’s classmates haven’t even have an initial appointment with community paeds, had autism assessments knocked back, but still go to specialist provision.

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt a bit here OP, I think there’s a possibility of a real sense of grief when you realise the child you thought you were going to parent isn’t what you expected. Do you think DH may be feeling this way?

Diagnosis aside, is he supportive of different parenting strategies to help her regulate? Or is he quite dismissive of this too?

I have trouble getting into the mindset of calling an autism diagnosis a "label". So is my name, my hair colour anything that can be used to describe me. I have 2 children with the "label" of Autism (my DD also has ADHD). It has been a positive thing. The diagnosis doesn't change who they are but gives them some understanding of what they struggle with and what they find helpful.

As they are 19 and 17 now they need tools to help navigate the adult world, university, getting jobs etc. The "label" has given my son the confidence to ask for what he needs and he is excelling at a very good university that provides support for his needs. DD is going to need more support at university and she is researching where she wants to go without her label she would struggle to frame to others what she needs and why. DD is volunteering this summer and has explained to the place she is going to be working at, her diagnosis. She is starting with open communication and confidence that she is understood. This is due to having a "label".

I had the same, but then DH flipped and is now preaching to me about autism acceptance and seeking a diagnosis for himself. The turning point was when my son's anxiety developed to a crippling level at secondary school.

Exh was happy for me to be assessed for asd as it gave him a good thing to proveI was wierd but blocked assessment for my youngest until she could request assessment herself at 16. Would have been so much better if she was assessed when still at school so make her no. 1 if you can.

This isn't the first family I've met or heard about where the father is resistant to the idea that his kid has autism.

Sometimes it seems like simple denial ("the fruit of my loins cannot need a diagnosis of anything, because that might mean they are imperfect!"). But very often it's also because the dad himself has autism too, and God forbid he should have to consider the possibility that the traits he shares might warrant a diagnosis for him as well.

I know it's not always dads who are like this. But very often it is.

FWIW autism is a difference and not a flaw. But the world is set up for neurotypical people, because they're the majority. A diagnosis is beneficial because it acknowledges that difference and helps people to understand themselves and others, and to access support when needed.

When I was thinking of having my son assessed, I started a thread on Mumsnet asking whether anyone regretted getting an ASD assessment/diagnosis for themselves or for their kids. I wanted to know what downsides there were. I got a lot of replies, and not one of them regretted it; in every case it had had a positive impact on their lives. What I did get were many (sometimes heartbreaking) replies from people saying how much they regretted not being diagnosed until they were adults. They had struggled through their whole childhoods without a diagnosis which would have helped them.

It doesn’t have to be a label. It’s the means to get support for your child and he’s too stupid to understand that then leave him to it. No on wants their kids to struggle and need extra help but at least with diagnosis/strategies/understanding and support life becomes less difficult - certainly for my son for now. It’s still full on and hard work but absolutely knowing why he reacts in certain ways, how he behaves etc is due to autism and he is entitled to support from school.

no one said we don’t celebrate our children’s differences and quirks I absolutely do, he’s amazing but to function in the world he also needs specific help and strategies. You can do both.

@EmilyBrontesGhost

A diagnosis is not a condemnation. How ridiculous your statement is.

This except my ex won’t have himself diagnosed !!

Would he accept a diabetes diagnosis? Or cancer? Who is he to know better than the specialists? I’d be questioning his ability to parent if he won’t even consider there might be something there. What a selfish man.

My children have asd and adhd and yes their dad is exactly the same. We are actually separated and I went down the diagnosis route alone. Their dad is also definitely asd not that he’d ever admit it. I get that nobody really wants to label their child but at the end of the day if it opens doors to additional help why wouldn’t you!