DH can't accept possible autism diagnosis

[Slimmum32]

Just that really. Our dd who's 8 had to move from mainstream schooling to a specialist setting a year ago as she couldn't cope. She seems to be doing better but teachers and other professionals have hinted that she could possibly be on the autistic spectrum. I have accepted this for what it is as I have seen asd traits in her develop over the years i.e stimming, arm waving, sensory issues. She also can be quite hyper and has trouble sitting still and retaining information so possible adhd/add there too. Whatever it is I'm willing to accept it and give her the best possible start in life and support her however she needs. My family are on the same page. My DH is not so accepting and is refusing to even accept that these things exist. He doesn't believe in autism or adhd and has lost his rag on several occasions when people have, in his words, "tried to label her". He doesn't want her to have an assessment but she is on the waiting list for one and im not going to take her off just because of him. It's really draining me now as I've dealt with all of this so far on my own and I'm pinning for a supportive partner but it's not happening. Has anyone else had issues with their partner/spouse not accept asd/add etc? I'm afraid that this will end us as it's looking that way. Please no aggressive replies, just some support.

Hi OP, I’ve experienced this with my DP too. Our DD was older than yours when she was diagnosed (17) and is now doing really well at uni with lots of support accessed via her diagnosis. I read a lot about it on here and was very touched by stories of women who’d struggled all their lives and then finally got a diagnosis. I wasn’t convinced she had it but wanted to feel I’d tried my best for her. DP is similar to yours in that he violently resists labels. We’ve had heated arguments in the past (as I’ve found it so frustrating) but when we’ve managed to discuss it more reasonably, he seems to have a very deep aversion to putting people into boxes. Unsurprisingly I see a lot of similarities between him and DD and he agrees that he could be seen as having autistic traits. I think he also is incredibly protective of her and sees the diagnosis as a criticism/ judgement whereas I see it as a way of explaining her to herself. Since the diagnosis a lot has cha fed for her and she seems more comfortable in her skin. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid but just wanted to say I understand how frustrating it is. We just avoid further conversations about our different views, but I think that’s easier for us because her needs are less severe than others’.

If he doesn’t think there’s a problem why does he think she’s in a specialist school?
I can understand burying your head in the sand. But when a child can’t even be in mainstream school then surely you must realise there is an issue?

I had this with my DH. I just sought diagnosis for our dc without him. Caused so many arguments but i didn't need his permission so went ahead regardless.

Turns out DH is also ND.

My ex has always consistently downplayed DC autism. He uses phrases such as Dc isn’t that autistic or DC isn’t really autistic like others. Used to ask things like how to stop DC flapping arms until I shut down those questions.

DC is now a teenager and a while ago reduced and then stopped going to see his father. So his father decided to go to court and it has been picked up on several occasions by different people involved that Ex has no understanding of impact of ASD on DC and DC’s needs that arise from ASD are not catered for when he is with his father.
EX gets absolutely furious if you dare suggest that he should get assessed. I think it would help him and might even help him recover relationship with DC. His whole family were against DC getting a ‘label’. Things like DC stimming was written off as everyone in the family has a funny quirk with their hands.