Sexless relationship after 3 years, scared to leave because I want children

[NameChangeJustBecauseIhaveTo]

Hi all, I am a regular here on the Relationships board, but NCed as this post, combined with my posting history, would be very outing.

I am 34 and have been with DP (32) for 3 years. The first 2 years of our relationship were blissfully perfect: we fell madly in love right away and we had the best emotional and physical connection. We moved in together around a year ago, and that is when things started deteriorating.

I have realized that he is a lot more immature than I thought, doesn't pull his weight at home, and leaves all the mental load of our relationship to me. Examples of this include: not picking up after himself, asking me what needs to be done at home vs just taking the initiative, and not planning any of our holidays or date nights because he knows I will do it. If I don't do these things myself, he will either not do them or do them poorly which impacts me in the end. We have talked about this extensively, he promised to change and do better, improved for a few weeks, and then slipped back into old habits.

I feel like this dynamic has killed my attraction to him as I feel like his parent rather than his partner. As a result, we haven't had sex in 9 months because I can't bring myself to do it. We are now considering couple therapy to see if we can work through this and save the relationship. I can see he is now making more of an effort to step up at home and connect with me emotionally, but I fear it might be too late for my old feelings to come back.

To make matters worse, I have a specific medical history which means that having children might be trickier for me (potentially) and I really really want marriage and children. I am scared that ending this relationship will mean that I won't get the chance to have my own family as it will be too late. At the same time, I know that bringing children into this current dynamic would be mad.

I don't know what to do. Any kind word of advice? Thank you

Op, why on earth would you willingly bring an innocent child into an already doomed, dysfunctional relationship with a useless man? That has got to be one of the most selfish ideas ever.

Leave now. Do not have kids with him.

Completely agree. Very irresponsible. Why would you want that for a child?

I have realized that he is a lot more immature than I thought, doesn't pull his weight at home, and leaves all the mental load of our relationship to me.

Well, you don't want marriage and children with THIS man, that's for sure. You will be closer to your dream if you leave him, staying with him makes a happy marriage and family life much less likely, not more likely.

Move on. He won't change for the better. He's just likely to be less and less attentive when dcs come along.

Go and find someone who puts you first and will be a decent involved father.

Just to add another dimension to the mix, if I have read this right, you have lived together a year and the last 9 months have been sexless because you can't stand him. To condemn him to a lifetime of the only sex he gets being when you want a baby and living with a partner who can't stand him is cruel. You are using him because you want a child - you don't want to be with him. Let him go and find a relationship where his partner wants to be with him. Likewise you can go and try to find someone you want to be with.

Well I can tell you this, on Sunday I have left my husband (for the can’t count amount of times) I have to 2 boys that have made want to try every single way of living in torture for the last 13 years … it’s nearly killed me.. my husband is the laziest person I’ve ever met. I think he’s hated me for a long time but too lazy to even leave so he’s basically done the minimum amount possible and then like today told me “you blow things out of proportion” “tell lies” “exaggerate everything “ “and a cunt” I’ve had family and mumsnet tell me to leave him for years. I’ve sat and cried buckets this week because my 10 year old begged me to stay, my 15 year old won’t speak me me. I’m utterly broken… my best advice is don’t be me! … leave before any children add to the equation and make you stay.