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Original poster

Sexless relationship after 3 years, scared to leave because I want children

32 replies

NameChangeJustBecauseIhaveTo · 10/08/2023 12:39

Hi all, I am a regular here on the Relationships board, but NCed as this post, combined with my posting history, would be very outing.

I am 34 and have been with DP (32) for 3 years. The first 2 years of our relationship were blissfully perfect: we fell madly in love right away and we had the best emotional and physical connection. We moved in together around a year ago, and that is when things started deteriorating.

I have realized that he is a lot more immature than I thought, doesn't pull his weight at home, and leaves all the mental load of our relationship to me. Examples of this include: not picking up after himself, asking me what needs to be done at home vs just taking the initiative, and not planning any of our holidays or date nights because he knows I will do it. If I don't do these things myself, he will either not do them or do them poorly which impacts me in the end. We have talked about this extensively, he promised to change and do better, improved for a few weeks, and then slipped back into old habits.

I feel like this dynamic has killed my attraction to him as I feel like his parent rather than his partner. As a result, we haven't had sex in 9 months because I can't bring myself to do it. We are now considering couple therapy to see if we can work through this and save the relationship. I can see he is now making more of an effort to step up at home and connect with me emotionally, but I fear it might be too late for my old feelings to come back.

To make matters worse, I have a specific medical history which means that having children might be trickier for me (potentially) and I really really want marriage and children. I am scared that ending this relationship will mean that I won't get the chance to have my own family as it will be too late. At the same time, I know that bringing children into this current dynamic would be mad.

I don't know what to do. Any kind word of advice? Thank you

OP posts:
Menopausehaver · 10/08/2023 12:41

Move on

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 10/08/2023 12:44

Move on, if nothing else because modelling to your children that dad does fuck all and mum is his skivvy is setting them up to repeat the pattern in their relationships

roses321 · 10/08/2023 12:47

I thought the way you did and honestly I would advise don't waste your money. Do you want to be bringing up kids with him as an extra child? If he can't help you now he won't help you then and you'll end up as a single mum in the end.

My advice is leave. I have learned the hard way what happens if you ignore your gut.

LardoBurrows · 10/08/2023 12:51

Couples therapy after just one year of living together!! It shouldn't need this much effort, you are clearly not compatible, or he isn't mature enough, but whatever, just finish it.

While you stay in this relationship, you are not giving yourself the chance to meet someone else.

ZigZag21 · 10/08/2023 12:55

You're not having sex anyway, so your not going to have children with this man. I wouldn't after a year and this is how things are. Kids won't magically fix it. Bin him find someone better for you and your potential children.

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2023 12:58

Nothing about him screams great husband and father material.

Please do yourself a favour and get rid of this manchild.

Fraaahnces · 10/08/2023 13:00

You know how kids are made, right? Here’s the thing… if you did have kids with him, you’d resent the twat even more than you do now. Get out now. Move on. Be happy.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 10/08/2023 13:04

Do not have children with this one, you know it will be a complete disaster. Cut your losses and take a chance on meeting someone better. I'd rather have a child by myself than with someone completely unsuitable. Once that baby arrives you are shackled to the other person for life.

Lkahsvtv · 10/08/2023 13:09

You’re right, bringing a child into this will just mean you are doing everything for your child, him and in the house which breeds resentment which you already know is a passion killer. I would move on

continentallentil · 10/08/2023 13:20

I understand you are worried about time OP, but he’s not going to get any better. This is way too early for couples counselling. If it’s not working now it never will.

Get out now, start dating, look at freezing your eggs (not a guarantee but depending on your condition may be worthwhile) and the various ways, from adoption to donors, women who want to have children can have them on their own.

donkra · 10/08/2023 13:22

Um just dump him and stop wasting your valuable, limited time. He's a bad bet as a father and you may never want to have sex with him again anyway. Stop throwing good time after bad.

Ihaveoflate · 10/08/2023 13:25

I think it would be incredibly selfish to bring children into this relationship. If you dislike him now you will hate his guts once a baby is in the mix.

IME having a child brings every crack in a relationship into very sharp relief. You would essentially be signing yourself to single parenthood. Fine if that's what you want, but a bit unethical if all you're using him for is his sperm.

letshaveachangeshallwe · 10/08/2023 13:28

For god sake leave now, nothing about this post says he's a good bet for children. Children are exhausting, they just are, having a partner as an additional child will drive you mad. Leave now, please don't waste anymore time.

loislovesstewie · 10/08/2023 13:29

Leave, if you feel like his parent now it's never going to work.

Barch1 · 10/08/2023 13:48

Leave and move in

OnRose · 10/08/2023 13:52

Don't let your desire to have kids override common sense. Have a read of the million threads about useless men and useless Dads on Mumsnet. The biggest gift you can give a child is to choose a decent father for them (or go it alone completely!)

It would also be really unfair on your partner to have kids with him when you feel the way you do. It would be dishonest and quite scummy behaviour tbh.

You need to either not have kids or get out and have kids with someone else. Neither option is easy unfortunately. Good luck.

Screamingabdabz · 10/08/2023 13:57

Jeez raise the bar op. No one would willingly marry and have children with a pathetic man child if they had a choice. And you do.

drpet49 · 10/08/2023 13:59

Why are you standards so low? Why on earth do you think bringing a child into this would be okay?

LifeExperience · 10/08/2023 14:28

He is not good husband or father material. Move on.

Seaoftroubles · 10/08/2023 14:30

Dump him now, l doubt couples therapy will improve his seeming inability to share your mental and physical load. All the things that irritate you now would be a hundred times worse once kids arrive as obviously the workload increases.
You're still young enough to meet someone who is a much better match for you.

VeridicalVagabond · 10/08/2023 14:48

Couples therapy is not a magic baton to whack him with and turn him into the perfect husband(if only such a thing existed).

It can be helpful to teach you to communicate better with each other, but it's not a cure all and it's certainly not going to transform him into a man who pulls his own weight. At 32 if he hasn't learned to pick up after himself yet or plan things by himself like a grown up, a couple's therapist is not going to teach him those things.

If you've already communicated with him what the problem is and he's understood but not done anything or only made changes short term that didn't last, therapy isn't likely to help, because the problem isn't a failure of communication or lack of understanding, it's that he doesn't give a shit. And a therapist can't make him.

Dery · 10/08/2023 14:48

Sorry that you’re in this position, OP. Sounds very disappointing and painful. However, you’re only 3 years into a relationship where you were mad for each other for the first 2 but you’ve now gone 9 months without sex. That’s nearly 1/3rd of your relationship and you’re still in the early years. I think it’s too late and the damage is done. Not saying he should have been a sex pest but he should have been motivated to change much sooner but it sounds like the lack of sex hasn’t really bothered you or him. So really you’re just flatmates.

viques · 10/08/2023 14:54

To be frank OP I think you already have your child, your OH sounds as though he has settled into a passive relationship with the closest he can get to his mother. You do all the caring, home making,grunt work that his mother probably did when he was a teen, and you are not having sex, again, something that he didn’t have to think about with his mother ( sorry! but true).

You need to set your sights a bit higher than a lazy grumpy adolescent and go out and find a grown up man to share - share being the operative word- your life.

Pinkbonbon · 10/08/2023 15:31

Time to go.

If you had kids with this man then you'd only resent him and them for tying you to him.

Kids aren't relevant right now because you're not in a happy relationship. They might never be relevant.

So put them out of you'd head and live in the hear and now. And the hear and now needs fixing as you're dating someone you should have broke up with 9 months ago.

Don't let imaginary futures ruin your actual reality.

Pinkbonbon · 10/08/2023 15:31

*here