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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's not bothered is he?

69 replies

hedgehogging1 · 09/08/2023 23:36

Aibu?, quite open to be told I am.
In a relationship for 3 years. We are both in late 30s, don’t live together.
Partner is going through some money issues due to being out of work for a while. Now has new job.
I work full time, ok paid job but not amazingly paid, I’m certainly feeling the cost of living crisis but making ends meet just.
Anyway, my issue is, I was away with a group of friends for 5 nights. Long awaited trip and so much fun to catch up with my mates.
I came back and partner didnt want to come and see me on my day back as he said he had to work the next day and wanted to go to his local pub and then go back to his so he was organised for the next day for work.
I took slight offence to this as I’d not seen him for ages and I couldn’t meet him or go to his as I had my child that night, so I suggested he meet his mates then come to mine. But he said he didn’t want to mess around even though I live a ten min if that drive away.
I was cross and said well don’t be surprised if I make plans with my mates tomorrow night.
I felt like he was more bothered about the pub and seeing his mates than seeing me after I’d been away for nearly a week.

The next night he made plans to meet his mate at the pub, fair enough as i said I’d probably make plans. I was a bit miffed but told him to enjoy his night.

Then he messages me at 10pm that night and asks to come over. I said no as I feel an after thought.
That was that.
Today we were going to meet. He says what do you want to do. I said maybe a walk and a drink at the local although I have to be up early tomorrow so just one or two.
He says yes but I’m not paying extra for your drinks ( my wine costs more than his pint by about a quid or 2 max)
This annoyed me- he’s managed to go out drinking all weekend then makes an issue about paying a bit more for my drink?
I wouldn’t even ask him to pay and we usually go 50/50, but he’s making an issue my drink costs slightly more.
He says he’s skint and I’m not understanding.
I said your priorities are wrong and for him to bring that up/ make an issue that my drinks cost more makes me feel rubbish, especially as he didn’t give a fuck when he was spending his money when with friends all weekend.
It’s not about money, it’s how he is prioritising his time and care.
Apparently I live in my own world and don’t understand.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

hedgehogging1 · 12/08/2023 03:07

Thank you.
Needed a head shake.
I don't know why I think I'm in the
Wrong with all this.
I'm gutted. I feel like I've ruined everything over money.
I am reading and listening, I actually agree with you all but I still feel like im in the wrong in my gut. I can't sleep.

OP posts:

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 12/08/2023 03:50

hedgehogging1 · 12/08/2023 02:11

Please can someone else tell me the money thing is wrong? I am massively questioning myself. He's broke and I've been a cow? I've ruined everything

Multiple people have already told you that he’s treating you like garbage and you need to raise your bar. They’ve explained how and why. If you don’t believe them, then what will make you believe additional people telling you the exact same thing?

What do you think you’ve ruined? Are you so desperate for male validation that any relationship will do? If so, why is that?

sleepysheeps · 12/08/2023 04:04

Someone who is worried about money so much doesn't go out drinking with their mates multiple times. I think you've been more than understanding and even paid for a holiday.

sleepysheeps · 12/08/2023 04:05

It actually sounds op like he's jealous of you and resentful that you're in a better financial position than him, and he wants to punish you.

Ianar · 12/08/2023 06:14

Just another to say you're not being unreasonable in your feelings the slightest. The drink thing would be ridiculous alone, but after being out with mates puts him in shameless CF territory. I would be angry!

Suffolkmum81 · 12/08/2023 07:10

You’re not a priority to him, bin him off find someone who appreciates you.

yellowsmileyface · 12/08/2023 08:10

Girl he's basically had a free holiday off you, which he promised to pay you back for, yet he can't afford an extra couple of quid for your glass of wine? After he's been out to pub multiple times with mates? Of course you're not being unreasonable!!

Something that's stood out to me is how it seems to be a theme of him accusing you of being insensitive. I wonder if that's a purposeful deflection tactic. Anytime you raise an issue he doesn't want to be held accountable for, he just cries "you don't know how hard it is for me! You're being so insensitive"... or something like that? And that's happened so many times you've started to internalise it as part of your identity and think you should cut him more slack?

The more I think about it the more the whole extra money for your wine thing seems quite manipulative. Like he's making a whole "woe is me" display so you realise just how broke he is and feel sorry for him. He wants you to feel guilty.

Daz57 · 12/08/2023 08:25

I am probably older than most of the posters here but here goes … have you considered sitting down and talking things through with him? Tell him how you feel and talk gently to him. I am wondering if he is suffering from depression or has anxieties that he has not confided in you. You say he is a good man and it feels as though it would be a shame for it to end like this. Also if you do get together to talk, make sure it is away from your homes, maybe go for a walk or somewhere neutral. Good luck x

Original poster

hedgehogging1 · 12/08/2023 12:04

Thanks all. Your reply's have helped me see that I'm not in the wrong for feeling like this. Feel a bit calmer this morning. Still no word from him.
Will see what today brings and try to stop second questioning myself.

OP posts:

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 12/08/2023 23:48

He can spend his money how he wants but implying you are too expensive to take out for a couple of drinks when he's been in the pub twice with his mates is awful. A simple "I'm broke until payday, can I cook you a meal instead of going out, or just chill at home " would have been fine, but he didn't. He made it your fault. He was trying to get you to accept his dregs, well done for telling him you are worth more.

roses321 · 15/08/2023 16:27

Frankly in the future if he gives you that response I'd have said "oh, that's a shame... maybe another time then" and just put the phone down.
He's had a free holiday off you, so you're not going to be giving him anymore I hope.

andithurtswitheveryheartbeat · 15/08/2023 22:59

I've heard nothing from him since I told him I was going to give him some space.
I won't text him even though I really want to and I feel very sad.

andithurtswitheveryheartbeat · 18/08/2023 23:36

I've heard nothing and I've not text him. I now feel in limbo. I'd rather know.
I thought he would've made contact by now. I guess deep down I thought we could sort this.
Should I message? Just in a way for some sense/closure going forward.
I'd take him back in a heartbeat if he understood where he's gone wrong.
He's honestly not a bad person, I think he's being stubborn as I said I'd give him space.

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 18/08/2023 23:55

andithurtswitheveryheartbeat · 18/08/2023 23:36

You’re only in limbo if you think it’s up to him what happens. You have agency, if you decide you’re done, then you’re done.

Closure is a concept invented by people who don’t have the self control to stop poking at their wounds until someone figuratively slaps their hand. He’s ignored you for a week at this point. What more do you need?

Your time would be better spent figuring out why you were willing to be treated like this and why you’d ‘take him back in a heartbeat’. You honestly need to work on your self esteem and self respect. They’re clearly not currently in the most robust of states.

andithurtswitheveryheartbeat · 19/08/2023 00:02

I know, and I'm honestly trying and working on that. I've started therapy now and I've read a lot of stuff.
I'm a million times better than I was a few years ago.
But still, I find it so difficult to break connections and not feel like it's my fault.
I wish I could love myself more and not give a shit. I'm really trying to be that person, but I can't.
I just feel I miss him and love him and im emphasising with him and how he must have his take on the situation.

andithurtswitheveryheartbeat · 19/08/2023 00:35

How do you even love and respect yourself when you haven't your whole life. Even when you know u have to and cognitively understand it. I think I've taken steps towards this knowing his behaviour is wrong and I've called him out on it. But I just want him back even though he's not enough for me. I wish I could make sense of this, I wish I was a stronger person like all of you that have replied to my post.

changewillcome · 21/09/2023 23:28

Well i just wanted to update. I'm the original op but I do change username so not to be outed.
I dumped him last Saturday.
He did something to me that is unforgivable and truly showed how little he gives a shit. (Not cheating)
No word since. I feel ok really if somewhat relieved in a weird very quick way.
I do miss him and feel sad but I'm not devastated.
I feel positive about my future now.
I realised I do deserve so much more.
Just wanted to update in case someone reads this and feels as lost as i did. There's a light at the end of a lonely tunnel and I'm slowly finding myself and my strength x

ConnieTucker · 22/09/2023 06:36

So no integrity after all? Well done on finally getting rid. You do need to trust yourself more. This was never about money. It was his attitude.

PickleDig · 22/09/2023 08:53

@changewillcome I'm glad you're feeling better! What was the thing that made you make your decision? (Maybe you don't want to say the exact thing).

It can be very hard when someone is selfish and wants to keep you in a relationship to serve their needs. It sounds a bit like once you started making your boundaries clear then he realised you wouldn't tolerate the poor behaviour. Hope you're ok, it is never easy but onward and upward!

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