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Original poster

He's not bothered is he?

69 replies

hedgehogging1 · 09/08/2023 23:36

Aibu?, quite open to be told I am.
In a relationship for 3 years. We are both in late 30s, don’t live together.
Partner is going through some money issues due to being out of work for a while. Now has new job.
I work full time, ok paid job but not amazingly paid, I’m certainly feeling the cost of living crisis but making ends meet just.
Anyway, my issue is, I was away with a group of friends for 5 nights. Long awaited trip and so much fun to catch up with my mates.
I came back and partner didnt want to come and see me on my day back as he said he had to work the next day and wanted to go to his local pub and then go back to his so he was organised for the next day for work.
I took slight offence to this as I’d not seen him for ages and I couldn’t meet him or go to his as I had my child that night, so I suggested he meet his mates then come to mine. But he said he didn’t want to mess around even though I live a ten min if that drive away.
I was cross and said well don’t be surprised if I make plans with my mates tomorrow night.
I felt like he was more bothered about the pub and seeing his mates than seeing me after I’d been away for nearly a week.

The next night he made plans to meet his mate at the pub, fair enough as i said I’d probably make plans. I was a bit miffed but told him to enjoy his night.

Then he messages me at 10pm that night and asks to come over. I said no as I feel an after thought.
That was that.
Today we were going to meet. He says what do you want to do. I said maybe a walk and a drink at the local although I have to be up early tomorrow so just one or two.
He says yes but I’m not paying extra for your drinks ( my wine costs more than his pint by about a quid or 2 max)
This annoyed me- he’s managed to go out drinking all weekend then makes an issue about paying a bit more for my drink?
I wouldn’t even ask him to pay and we usually go 50/50, but he’s making an issue my drink costs slightly more.
He says he’s skint and I’m not understanding.
I said your priorities are wrong and for him to bring that up/ make an issue that my drinks cost more makes me feel rubbish, especially as he didn’t give a fuck when he was spending his money when with friends all weekend.
It’s not about money, it’s how he is prioritising his time and care.
Apparently I live in my own world and don’t understand.
AIBU?

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 10/08/2023 10:12

Definitely sounds like he's become very complacent and doesn't feel he needs to make any effort whatsoever anymore.

Always a red flag when a man says he's skint but magically has the money to go to the pub. He prioritises getting pissed with mates over paying you back.

I'd bin him, but make sure you get every penny he owes you back.

Crimeismymiddlename · 10/08/2023 11:06

My ex started to do stuff like this towards the end. Every time I wanted to go out it was too much money, of course he never wanted to do anything with me. He lived rent free in a family members house, worked full time and his only bills were child support, his phone and sky. I started to realise when I went away and he did not contact me once while my friends had partners ringing them at least once. When I broke it off he was very surprised, though within a month he was with someone else so I think he was ok in the end.
Your boyfriend has pulled away from you. End it and he will go through the motions of pretending he is gutted but really he is too pathetic to do it himself.

Fraaahnces · 10/08/2023 11:07

Wait until he gets paid, give him an itemized list of what he owes you. Get it back, then bin him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 11:12

Fraaahnces · 10/08/2023 11:07

Wait until he gets paid, give him an itemized list of what he owes you. Get it back, then bin him.

Agree

ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 11:47

DoubleTime · 10/08/2023 10:10

So, he owes you money but complained about (possibly) having to pay an extra £ or so for your drink. That would be too much for me to take. You deserve better. How can he argue that you don't understand his money issues?? You recently helped him to have a holiday.

Sounds like he has no intention of paying it back

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:04

I'm sorry op but as others have said this doesn't sound great. My friend went through a very similar situation to you. It turned our her bf was out looking for hook ups on nights out with his mates. If he was unsuccessful he would msg her to come over late at night. He was using her as a booty call,or when he wanted her to run around after him running bathes, helping him with his admin as he was sooo busy at work. Shr found out he was liking other womens pictures in social media etc. He didn't care that she had a job herself, treated her like a doormat, and did nothing for her. He would leave her out of invitations etc. She was warned multiple times but constantly made excused for him after every time he would upset her. Guess what he finished with her, after she has changed her whole life for him. He still tries for no strings! Crazy!!

If you're daft enough this will continue and only get worse. He views you as having low standards, and isnt bothered about you I'm sorry to say. Personally I wouldn't be in a relationship with somebody like this. You deserve more, this isn't the how you treat somebody you're supposed to care about. Don't waste anymore of your precious time.

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:09

'Your relationship has run it's course. He's not that bothered anymore so he's poking you for a reaction so you dump him. I can never understand these men and why they can't actually say it's over, but poke, poke, poke. Sorry OP.'

Yes this as well, "how to a woman in 10 days." Sorry.

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:09

"Lose"*

Brilliantefforts · 10/08/2023 12:12

Try finishing him, and gauge his reaction.💐

GR8GAL · 10/08/2023 12:34

You leave for 5 nights with your mates, he has one night with his mates on the day you get back, and you're offended by that? The answer is obvious to me...

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 10/08/2023 12:39

Get back the money he owes you then dump him from a height.

wehaveeaches · 10/08/2023 12:48

His priorities are not wrong, they are just his priorities.
You've said it, he's not bothered.

wehaveeaches · 10/08/2023 12:51

@CantThinkOfANameAtAll If you have an emotional outburst and dump them you then wonder if you've made a mistake and are a little confused. They can then play on this later when they are bored, they come back and it's you who is in apology or guilt mode, along with the initial emotional confusion, making you ripe for being used while he waits for whoever's his next main squeeze.

Woodenwonder · 10/08/2023 12:56

You're right I'm sorry he isn't bothered and like most (all?) men, rather than end it himself he's just pulling away, making you feel shit about yourself to the point that you end it and he can walk away saying that you ended the relationship not him. Get your money back and block him. 3 years with a man who's not invested is better than 3 years and one day with them. Move on before it become 4 years.

thecatinthetwat · 10/08/2023 12:58

It sounds like you’re both being a bit passive aggressive. Your communication needs work.

roses321 · 10/08/2023 12:59

Go and find someone called Greta Beresaite on Youtube and watch all of her videos. That will put you straight on how you should behave in this situation.

Eddielizzard · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's a bit shit.

Doesn't really matter that you think he's a decent bloke blah blah when actually he's treating you quite badly

Ihadenough22 · 10/08/2023 15:45

You have been with him for 3 year's and your still not living together. You went away for a few days and you did not hear from him. He then arranges to go out with his mates drinking the night you come back. It amazing how he has money for this but complains when he has to buy you wine out. The 10 call for sex after this shows a total lack of regard.

Meanwhile you helped him though being unemployed and paid for a holiday for him then.

I remind that he currently owes you X amount for his holiday that you paid for and you need all that money once he gets paid as you have a few bills to pay.
When you get this money I tell him that you have realised that things are not good between you and your ending things with him.

Original poster
hedgehogging1 · 11/08/2023 20:13

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond and the advice you've given.
I've told him I am giving him some space as I don't need a crap relationship and his priorities are all wrong.
I've had radio silence since, not even a response and I won't be reaching out.
It's hard to describe a three year relationship in one post, but there have been many good times and he has showed me he is committed.
However I can't get over the extra few quid thing I feel somehow degraded in a way. Maybe I'm being too sensitive- I've been accused of that many times by him in the past!
I'm swaying from one moment feeling really upset and questioning myself that I'm unreasonable then to being angry and thinking fuck that.
I'm actually starting therapy on Monday- after over a year wait. It's only 6 sessions on the nhs but I will definitely bring up the fact my bar for relationships is so low.
I think I'm going to write a list of all the shit things about him to help me make sense of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
hedgehogging1 · 12/08/2023 02:11

Please can someone else tell me the money thing is wrong? I am massively questioning myself. He's broke and I've been a cow? I've ruined everything

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2023 02:26

Please say you're done wasting your time. You haven't ruined anything, it was already shit. Want better for yourself and your child.

Original poster
hedgehogging1 · 12/08/2023 02:33

I do. I just keep second questioning myself. I should be more understanding. He's stressed out about money as he hasn't worked, now working but not paid yet. He was just saying he couldn't afford the extra amount of my drink. I'm not sure I'm being selfish as actually I feel I am. I'm not the one struggling for money and I just had a few days away with friends

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 12/08/2023 02:46

I'm not sure I'm being selfish as actually I feel I am.

Good god girl, will you listen to yourself?!

You paid for a holiday for him! I hope he pays you back!!

But if he won't even buy you a drink......

Mumof4plusbonus · 12/08/2023 02:48

If he had just said look moneys a bit tight until I get paid, maybe we can do something else, have a drink in the house etc or just get one out then fine. But that’s not what happened.
You hadn’t seen him in a while and he didn’t prioritise you either that night or the next. Both nights he was spending money with no issue it appears. Then he tried a late night booty call. Then he realises he is going to have to spend some time with you to get his booty call, but he tells you he’s not spending extra on yours drinks in order to do so. Ouch. On top of that you paid for his holiday?? He’s the gift that keeps on giving.
This is not a guy down on his luck and a pampered princess talking him for all she can. This is a using a**hole who doesn’t want to prioritise you in time or money and a woman who’s scraping the bottom of the barrel and still questioning herself over whether she should appreciate the contents. Walk away and choose better next time.

suburbophobe · 12/08/2023 02:50

Oh, and as for posters expecting you to be living together after 3 years....

I've a neighbour who's been married for 30 years and they live separately. Nearby each other. Works for them.

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