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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother’s behaviour getting worse

45 replies

Dyathinkysaurus · 09/08/2023 17:26

I’m on holiday with my mother, who’s 75. We live very far apart and rarely see each other.

She has always been very difficult. My sister who lives close to her has mentioned that she’s getting worse and worse. She has lived alone for years and basically does what she wants, when she wants.

She is incredibly rude and grumpy in a way I’ve never experienced from anyone else and certainly wouldn’t put up with in any other situation. She has been embarrassingly rude to many if not most of the staff in shops, hotels and restaurants. If she feels in the least bit slighted she goes on the attack. Even casual speech sets her off - I was corrected today for saying that a restaurant was “there!” when I spotted it. Apparently I should have said it was “over there.”

I’m starting to wonder whether there might be some sort of early dementia at play or something like that? Why else would she want to come in holiday with me if it’s all so awful? It’s like she could start a fight in an empty room right now.

Can anyone else relate or have any ideas? I’m bewildered. My sister tells me she’s not surprised by the behaviour!

OP posts:
Safxxx · 09/08/2023 17:34

Has she always been like that? Or is this something out of ordinary for her?
Be patient with her, soon she won't be with you anymore.
Maybe keep her distracted with something she enjoys.
Talk to her ask her why is she having this mood...
Hope your holiday ends up on all Going home on good terms.

Original poster
Dyathinkysaurus · 09/08/2023 17:36

Talk to her ask her why is she having this mood...

Hahaha no that’s not something you can do with my mother. My God! Unless you were interested in a tirade of all the things you’ve ever done wrong in your life, and why nobody likes you? 😂

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2023 17:38

No it’s not dementia and you know that deep down. Stop making excuses for her inexcusable behaviour. Your mother was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. You’ve said yourself she’s always been like this and your sister is not at all surprised by her behaviour.

She wants to go on holiday with you because she sees you as weak and or someone she can boss about readily. Why do you at all bother with someone this rude?. Your boundaries here need revisement upwards

.She may be your mother but not all of them are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive. You do not need her approval not that she’d ever give you this anyway. You owe her nothing let alone a relationship here.

Counselling for your own self re your relationship with your mother would be beneficial to you.

Rathouse · 09/08/2023 17:40

You need to say stop being so bloody rude mother.

blobblobblobfish · 09/08/2023 17:40

@Dyathinkysaurus are you my sister??? Literally identical situation here. I feel for you, it's so draining and actually really awful, being made to feel embarrassed and like utter shit all the time, walking on egg shells the whole time to try and avoid a scene, waiting for her next eruption...

blobblobblobfish · 09/08/2023 17:41

She is also never ever wrong. Everyone else in the world is wrong. Ugh.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2023 17:42

There’s also very good reason why you yourself live so far apart from her. Drop the rope your mother holds out to you and do not holiday with her ever again. You likely would not tolerate this from a friend either and your mother is no different.

ConcernedCatmother · 09/08/2023 17:49

She sounds dreadful. Get rid of this feeling of duty, and just leave her to enjoy her depressing life on her own.

Original poster
Dyathinkysaurus · 09/08/2023 17:59

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat . I do have a hard time expressing to others just what my mother is like. My family has money and some people do somehow believe it means you can’t really have any serious problems.

I do wonder whether it’s actually some sort of brain issue now though because it’s really quite extreme. I used to sometimes doubt myself but this is just so crazy that even I can see it’s not anything I’m doing!

I have a very small amount of experience with dementia in those around me but it has generally involved a personality change, which this is not! It’s the same personality she’s always had.

OP posts:
EmmaOvary · 09/08/2023 18:04

Yeah, sounds like she’s always been bloody awful. Why did you agree to this holiday?!

Original poster
Dyathinkysaurus · 09/08/2023 18:06

blobblobblobfish · 09/08/2023 17:41

She is also never ever wrong. Everyone else in the world is wrong. Ugh.

The people here use the “wrong” word for a particular food and my mother is quite aggressively angry about it. 🤐😂

Without any sarcasm, I am genuinely happy that there are people who suggest that I ask Mum what’s up or tell her to just bloody stop it. Because I love that not everyone has experience of the type of mother who would absolutely hit the roof if I did something like that. She manufactured a problem the other day (far too long and boring to explain) and ended up huffing off in a taxi back to the hotel leaving me and my children behind. Her own grandchildren, whom she hardly ever gets to see because I (not coincidentally) moved so far away. It makes me feel better to know that this is absolutely not normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dyathinkysaurus · 09/08/2023 18:11

EmmaOvary · 09/08/2023 18:04

Yeah, sounds like she’s always been bloody awful. Why did you agree to this holiday?!

I think it’s a case of hope springs eternal? Also it’s really only dawned on me v e r y s l o w l y that this is not normal and, especially, that it’s not something I cause or can control.

DS is now 13 and has been able to say quite coolly “Oh, she did that deliberately,” or “No, you didn’t say X, you said Y,” presumably because he has never been gaslit and doesn’t doubt the evidence of his own senses.

Mumsnet be my witness, I will not fall for this again! I just honestly always feel like it’s something I have to do and people always say oh it’ll be nice to see your mum, you must miss her, etc etc. And then you think oh it’s only for a week, how bad can it be? Then the mind games start.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2023 18:12

Your mother likely has some form of untreated - and untreatable personality disorders.

The only person you can help here is your own self ultimately and it does you no good in being at all around her. Deal with any feelings pertaining to fear obligation and guilt re your mother through therapy.

EmmaOvary · 09/08/2023 18:14

OP, Google FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I believe there is also a website called Out Of The Fog. Listen to Attila The Meerkat, she knows about this stuff. You’re too close to it to see it but your DD isn’t and that’s why she’s made those comments, which are spot on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2023 18:15

Disordered of thinking people like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Do not fall for her hoovering attempt to draw you back into her dysfunctional world. This is who she is and she is not going to change. Hope keeps you trapped, you need to let go of any and all residual hope she will change.

Curtainswithpompoms · 09/08/2023 18:16

I wonder what she’d be like if she took anti anxiety medication.
Anxiety can make people incredibly snappy and hostile.
I wouldn’t bother trying to solve it. Just ensure your so called holiday and feel glad that you made the decision to move away.

HelpMeGetThrough · 09/08/2023 18:16

When she does it, just say to her "you are an incredibly rude individual" and then just walk away.

MetaverseMavis · 09/08/2023 18:26

This could be me writing this about my mother, lifelong identical issues.

I asked mine to be my holiday companion for a week last year (done out of internal guilt, but that is another thread) and it started on the plane with "I've never stayed in a three star hotel in my life' before she had even left the uk airport. To keep my sanity I used my phone voice notes to recall incidents when I had a moment to myself and rang home at night for my own sanity.

I smiled and stepped back letting her moan but not fuelling her, kept conversation light and ate/drank when she wanted, did as she wanted and walked at her infuriating slow pace (I swear not matter how slow I wanted she deliberately walked slower) and reminded myself that at 86 she is in her twilight years and I need to keep on the right side of her. Oh BTW she liked the hotel :-)

socialdilemmawhattodo · 09/08/2023 18:30

You must be my twin/triplet etc!

Mine (Late 80s) has these outbursts. And has done for some time. An example, a few years ago I took her away (she paid her share but I organised it all) back to the part of the UK where she had grown up. She didnt get back there much and I thought it would be a nice treat. My DC were at home with Dad. So no childcare. We are in a lovely restaurant and just idly chatting. I mentioned about one of my DC's classmates having a horse and riding competitively. Not our world at all. So neither of us has any real knowledge. My mum goes off on one about wealthy people owning horses and it's not appropriate etc. Just on and on. Unpleasant tone to me. I cut dinner short - it was so embarrassing. But subsequently one of my cousins has bought a horse for her daughter - and they are not wealthy - but that's OK. I never know where the outburst will come from so I try to avoid any meaningful conversation on anything. I now get the racist rants and the constant complaints about everyone, together with the never ending monologues about the distant past. It is awful. Like you I do believe it is an early sign of the brain failing (not mental health but dementia).

Original poster
Dyathinkysaurus · 09/08/2023 18:30

and walked at her infuriating slow pace (I swear not matter how slow I wanted she deliberately walked slower)

Yes!!! We tried walking at her pace too, it was ridiculously slow, and she sped up and walked off ahead of us!

She has a tendency to just walk off if I’m trying to tell her something.

I would get so exhausted behaving like that, I really wouldn’t be able to keep it up.

OP posts:
Myyearmytime · 09/08/2023 18:36

I would not disregard dementia. But that does not mean you have to put up with it . Talk to your sister and take to Dr

TheGander · 09/08/2023 18:38

Is correcting your choice of words an upper class thing ( God forbid you should ever use the word “toilet”? ). I remember a trip to Spain with my dad, he did have known dementia and was in the middle stages, everything set him off, the fact that postboxes are yellow in Spain not red, the quality of the food, the tragic lack of el Greco paintings in a church, on and on.
It could be it’s just her becoming more intransigeant with age, or it could be dementia. If it starts getting rather irrational , if she starts forgetting / losing things then coming up excuses, having trouble with word finding etc it could be dementia. It is a fact that with age the parts of the brain linked to empathy tend to shrink, and that shrinkage is more dramatic with dementia. I wish you luck whatever the cause for her difficult behaviour.

unsync · 09/08/2023 18:50

I hate to tell you this, but living alone and getting older are going to make the behaviour worse. Unless you can cope with it, it's easier to steer clear.

Original poster
Dyathinkysaurus · 10/08/2023 08:52

unsync · 09/08/2023 18:50

I hate to tell you this, but living alone and getting older are going to make the behaviour worse. Unless you can cope with it, it's easier to steer clear.

She hasn’t lived with another adult since about 1980. She definitely seems to have got much worse the last few years (she was always awful). I definitely can’t cope with it any more!

Yesterday she had at least two major disagreements with the hotel staff that I am aware of, plus another one or two that she may or may not have had a go at them about (I’m not sure of the extent of it). Over dinner she commented to us that some of their staff were really good but the rest needed retraining 😂

OP posts:
Jammylou · 10/08/2023 09:23

Sounds like my.mother. she's got worse and worse.