Mother’s behaviour getting worse

[Dyathinkysaurus]

I’m on holiday with my mother, who’s 75. We live very far apart and rarely see each other.

She has always been very difficult. My sister who lives close to her has mentioned that she’s getting worse and worse. She has lived alone for years and basically does what she wants, when she wants.

She is incredibly rude and grumpy in a way I’ve never experienced from anyone else and certainly wouldn’t put up with in any other situation. She has been embarrassingly rude to many if not most of the staff in shops, hotels and restaurants. If she feels in the least bit slighted she goes on the attack. Even casual speech sets her off - I was corrected today for saying that a restaurant was “there!” when I spotted it. Apparently I should have said it was “over there.”

I’m starting to wonder whether there might be some sort of early dementia at play or something like that? Why else would she want to come in holiday with me if it’s all so awful? It’s like she could start a fight in an empty room right now.

Can anyone else relate or have any ideas? I’m bewildered. My sister tells me she’s not surprised by the behaviour!

Oh this is interesting….and worrying. My mother is similar. Not as bad yet… but she’s living on her own and I’ve noticed a deterioration in her behaviour since my father died 3 years ago. It’s not grief. She has a new boyfriend. But she is so much ruder and nastier than she used to be. Or maybe it’s just that she no longer has my dad to be rude and nasty to so she’s latched on to me and worse my 10yo DD. She’s awful to my DD- and sometimes I think she was similar with me when I was a little girl and other times I think it’s her age/living alone.

Unfortunately we can’t take Mum to the doctor no matter what and she would absolutely go off if we suggested such a thing. She did tell us, though, that she’d had a CT scan (something to do with sinus issues) and had something drained and now her brain looked great. It only occurred to me yesterday that this might not be true. I recently had a brain scan due to migraines and the neurologist was very enthusiastic about my brain health. Mum was visibly annoyed when I mentioned this to her at the time. I raised it again yesterday just to see her response and she made that “well don’t you just think you’re fantastic” expression! But that could just be her anyway. If anything goes well for me she says I’m arrogant/showing off/“well bully for you” 🤷‍♀️

Honestly the more I say the worse it all sounds. I’m sad for other posters who have mothers who are similar, but misery loves company I guess and I’m relieved that I’m not the only one and presumably haven’t caused it somehow just by being me.

DS cried the other day at the thought of me having to cope with her as a child and I have to say I feel a bit sorry for little me now. This is quite serious emotional abuse, I now see.

This is my dad!

This is who she is and her personality has got further worse with age. Nothing to do with dementia.

You absolutely need to be a grey rock to your mother and not give her any personal information. Oh and she’s lying to you about her sinus scan too (and that is a a ENT issue not brain) such people lie as readily as breathing.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat , I really appreciate your comments.

I can definitely relate. My mother has gotten significantly more belligerent in the last few years (she's mid 60s). She is bitter, mean, and uses anything she can to hang over my head. She offered to pay for driving lessons for me last year and it took her less than a week to throw it back in my face, which I was already expecting. I gave her money back and told myself that I can't keep having a relationship with this toxic person. Any attempt to talk about her behaviour and she immediately goes on the defence, hurling horrible comments and insults my way. This year I've spent a total of about an hour with my own mother, who lives less than 2km away, and have racked up 3 or 4 weeks with my wonderful future MIL who lives in Jersey! Its very hard, but sometimes when all else fails you have to do what's best for you. Cutting out toxic people, even family members, needs to be done, and honestly it was a good decision for me in the long run. I hope you figure out what to do, and hope this helps.

Be patient with her, soon she won't be with you anymore

I've got news for you. For some of us the thought that a difficult relative (GM in my case) won't be with us for long is the only thing that makes their behaviour bearable. Not all DMs and DGMs are sweetness and light. Some of them are toxic venomous witches. See the Stately Homes thread if you don't believe me.

I've mentioned Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on dealing with difficult older people a few times, definitely worth a listen.

People don't change, they get more so.

There is some hope, my mum is sometimes very rude to me but has actually improved the last few years. I said I was too old to be harried all the time & withdrew a bit.

My DM is really old now, so I would tackle the entitled behaviour now as you might have many more years of this.

No more holidays tho, not worth it.

You can ring her dr and say what you think . You can also ask for wellness check

You won't be able to change her but I definitely wouldn't go on holiday with her again. Tell her why if she asks. Visit but with boundaries and leave when she breaks them. You need to put your well-being diets x

It’s true that I could call her doctor and tell him my opinion, but honestly I don’t know that it’s worth it. Ultimately it’s her problem and I think we will probably never see her again after this trip. We live very, very far away from each other.

We will need to think about what to do when she’s potentially not safe to drive but right now it’s not an issue as far as I know.

Today has been even worse. She fought with the hotel staff, then was rude to a bus driver, someone at a checkin desk, and a cleaner who tried to help with directions. She absolutely will not stop finding fault with anyone. She has also been rude, abrupt and
dismissive towards me but I am doing my best not to react. DS did have to listen to a few choice words from me in a rant when she was out of earshot though! He was rather amused.

I’m so sorry to hear that this sort of behaviour is familiar to others. The deliberate attempts to make everything as unpleasant as possible for everyone are quite baffling. She’s always been awful though, so I really can’t tell if it’s illness-related or just her normal unbearable personality.

If I said why she won’t be welcome to stay at our house or why we won’t go on holiday with her again she would tell lies about me
to family and friends. Many years ago she stormed out of my house after a disagreement and it was only relatively recently that I heard that she told people that I had threatened to kill myself unless she left (!!!). She painted herself as the victim rather than say she had travelled around the world to see me and then stormed out after two days.

So many memories are coming back where I’m suddenly saying to myself hey, I wasn’t to blame in that situation, her behaviour was unacceptable. It’s quite a shocking situation to be in and I’ve been rather sad and teary this afternoon. If only I’d realised the truth many years ago.

My grandmother is like this. She’s in her mid 80’s but it isn’t her age, if anything she has ever so slightly improved as she’s got older, it’s just her personality.

I’m convinced she has an undiagnosed personality disorder.

I see her rarely, despite living nearby and don’t apologise for that.

The OP literally says she has always been like this!!! 🙄🙄🙄

@Dyathinkysaurus Hahaha no that’s not something you can do with my mother. My God! Unless you were interested in a tirade of all the things you’ve ever done wrong in your life, and why nobody likes you?

Your mother could be my mother...she's much the same, utterly incapable of hearing (let alone accepting) any sort of blame/constructive criticism. I'm nearly 55 and she's been like that all my life.

I grew up very wealthy (we had servants) and unfortunately the wealth made me mother think (and still does) that she was 'superior' and 'special' and that she deserves better than anyone else...

Both her and my father were dreadful parents who should never have had children in the first place (my father didn't want any, my mother is Catholic) and never put myself or my two brothers first during our childhood. She's now reaping what she sowed, as I moved to the other side of the planet 30 years ago and have been very low contact since.

Listen to your DS, who unlike you hasn’t been conditioned to think “that’s just how she is” and is willing to call her out.
Time to accept that despite being your mother and old, she’s simply an unpleasant, nasty old lady who is horrible to you.
No more holidays with her. And go NC or LC, for the sake of your kids if not for yourself, because she’ll turn on them too at some point.

I live with someone very similar to your mother….see my username!!

She’s always been difficult…borderline personality in my opinion. It seems clear that now she’s in the early stages of dementia, the borderline behaviour is far worse and she’s paranoid, grumpy and trying to start arguments.

Why have you taken my mother on holiday?

I used to let the rudeness wash over me (I was taught by my father to take the line of least resistance) but that just becomes a form of tacit approval. Now I tell her not to be so rude. I don’t use the MN classic of did you mean to be so rude? because the truthful answer would be yes.

It's not dementia is if, she just sounds like a horrible person. Plenty of if about. Just be thankful that you seldom have to see her ... my grandmother is like this (and now, at 95, with complex health needs) and me and my sibling and father live far too close to her for our liking!

Sounds like my mother, constantly annoyed and complaining. She was also emotionally abusive and very resentful to me as a child. My greatest accomplishment is not parenting like her.