How to let go

[understandingwtf]

I need some advice.

I have been, and still am, completely head over heels in love with a man for 3 years. He's been my best friend and safe space throughout our relationship and I honestly thought I'd met the best person in the world and he was my soul mate. Yes, all that cliched crap became real. I never doubted he would be in my future for once second. We don't live together but we were making plans to do this.

However, a couple of months ago he (I assume) started telling a few little lies and keeping me in the dark regarding a subject he knows hurts me, over time the lies have increased and seem to now easily roll off the tongue. I am usually very capable of saying "no, this upset me because of xyz", or "I don't deserve to be treated like this" sorting out the issue and moving on, this works both ways. But he has started "hiding" from having a conversation about his behaviour. In his words he has taken to "shutting off from confrontation", this means he won't read or respond to messages, answer the phone and our time spent together becomes dramatically reduced. He has a demanding job and will find excuses to be less present on the days he doesn't want to be. This means the issue is dragged out for days, I'm the type of person who likes to address the situation, come up with a resolution and move forward. The dragging it out and the silence is making me extremely anxious and making me feel incredibly unimportant and almost needy for wanting to understand what's happened for him to start to treat me poorly.

When he does decide to start talking again, the issue is never addressed. It's swept under the rug and seemingly forgotten from his side. This in turn makes me feel like my feelings have been hurt and it's either not really registered or it's like they don't matter. Another problem is that I enjoy my time with him so much when the relationship is in a good place, I find myself letting it slide in a want for us to be happy. Cue the next lie and the whole process starts again.

I feel like I just want to know that I mean something and it's driving me mad. I feel like I'm putting everything in to this and he's become complacent. I believe that if I was strong enough to stand my ground he would take control of his actions but I can't seem to get the wording right for him to understand my point of view or how much it's affecting me. He seems to think I'm blowing things sky high or being dramatic. I don't want to do silent treatment, I don't want to play any games. I want to nip this in the bud and go back to what our relationship was but can't seem to find how to do this and now to get him to listen.

I can't work out if I'm being manipulated or if I'm being over sensitive? We're in a rough patch again now and we sometimes see each other at corporate events - the next one being tomorrow evening. I'm not sure if he's attending, he said he was but if he's "hiding" there is a big chance he might not turn up, so my stomach is a bag of nerves about that too. I have to be there as it is compulsory for my role in the company.

He’s not someone you want to be with if he can’t be honest with you and he knows he’s upsetting you but he doesn’t seem to care or want to address it. Go to your corporate thing, be polite then tell him you’re done. Also don’t drink at it.

Be cautious of someone who refuses to deal with issues, uses silent treatment and then acts like nothing happened.

Silent treatment alone is torture and it's your own mind, it does drive you nuts and makes you feel anxious. In my experience it did not change or get better it got worse, longer and their methods changed.

Just like you I like to deal with stuff get it over and move on. You cannot with someone like that, it's never dealt with.

Not saying he is abusive as I don't know him but be wary as it's one of many tools from the abusive box of tricks. It's emotional/psychological rather than psychical.

Any other signs or things you're not sure of about him that seem off?

Ultimately, trust your gut it's telling you something. I did not and it was a mistake.

Thank you both.

I know you're right and if he's treating me like this now it'll only get worse. I had hoped there was something that would be able to fix it because everything up to this point has been great.

I wish I knew what triggered it or caused it to start but he won't communicate so I'll never know I guess. He's messaged this morning and said he doesn't want to fight (wasn't asking him to) and I said if he can't see how much he's hurt me and apologise for his behaviour then I can't change that but also that I shouldn't be here. It was a bit of a "pick me" I guess, which backfired and he's blocked me.

He's said he's not coming to the event this evening, not to me directly but through a group email at work he knew I was copied in on.

Onwards and upwards.. at some point? It hurts like hell right now and I'm not sure where to start with getting past this. It's the no explanation that's driving me mad.

I wish I knew how to stop checking to see if he's unblocked me or responded. Feeling very needy and insecure right now 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yeah I understand how you are feeling it's gut wrenching and what makes it worse is there is no closure and all I can come up with after months is it's by design. Again, another tool in the box because it leaves you in torment and it also allows them to not deal with it, take responsibility and a window back in.

What you need to see is if he is like what mine was, there is no rhyme or reason to it, there is no one cause and the goal posts would continuously change. Honestly, the amount of times I tried to fix things, work on issues only for those issues to become something else entirely.

I think what you are experiencing now is the same as what I am going through. It's the mother of all silent treatments because you struck a nerve, it's a punishment. Like you I could fix it any normal rational person would aim to fix it but it doesn't work that way with these types.

Don't let it break you, don't let him succeed. He's tormenting you through your own mind again without lifting a finger and probably knows it.

Feel it and cry if you need as it's normal that's how you heal but look after yourself too, shower get sun and eat. Showing him you are not broken and you are stronger is how you win and it hits them back because they don't like it.

I was in a similar situation as you, I hung around for far far longer than I should have (16 years) and looking back I feel I wasted my time on someone who just didn’t care that much about me. It took me a long time to understand that if someone really cares about you, they won’t treat you in a way that they know upsets you. I think you just need to keep remembering that and hopefully over time it will help you to let go.

You sound like you have been through EXACTLY where I am right now. The word "punishment" struck a chord because that is exactly what the silent treatment feels like. He knows it hurts me and he's choosing to do it.

I know I need to put more time and energy in to myself and try to distract myself from how I'm feeling. It is mental torture with not being able to have an explanation. All I get to every time is "he simply doesn't care".

To know that this time a few months ago we were talking about a house, marriage, children etc and both very much on the same page with our expectations and wanting to do it together just makes it so much more painful.

The person he's been is like someone I don't know.

You're right, if he cared he wouldn't do it anymore and he would show that I meant something to him instead of just walking away and treating me like this.

I'm sorry that you feel like you wasted time. I hope you are happier now.

"What you need to see is if he is like what mine was, there is no rhyme or reason to it, there is no one cause and the goal posts would continuously change."

This is bang on. He does it because it's WHO HE IS - not because of anything you do or don't do. Silent treatment is 100 times worse when living under the same roof so please understand that you've dodged a bullet by ending the torment before getting a house and having children together. Men like that are a living nightmare to be with.

Yup it's a punishment alright and they are fully aware what it does and at the same time while you are suffering they are not phased one bit. That makes it worse, you're not even a thought right now.

What you may find is the silent treatment has an expiration date depending on the perceived slight or betrayal and they can unblock and pick up where they left off. Alternatively, if it was too much they will vanish completely.

In my case I did what you have done and stood up for myself and basically said along the lines of I'm not playing this game and it obviously hit deep. The result from that was they went okay then... gave me silent treatment, took everything we own from underneath me, blocked and changed numbers, legally blocked me and have taken my children too. So not only am I getting the silent treatment from them I am now not allowed a relationship with my children.

So yeah if they do come back remember how they made you feel and reject them instead because they are cruel twisted folk.

I read once that if you ever start thinking to yourself “if I can just find the right set of words to say to him, he’ll understand why my feelings are hurt/why that makes me angry”

Then it said, “oh he understands alright, he just doesn’t want to. By not accepting you have any right to complain, he doesn’t have to change his behaviour”

In your OP you say’I can’t seem to get the wording right to get him to see my point of view’

My ex did this to me in spades. I finally realised every discussion/argument we had would derail but all he wanted to do was win. I came to realise that just because he said something, it didn’t mean he even thought it was true. He just needed me to believe that’s what he ‘honestly”thought. It’s manipulation.

The problem is you are trying to make him take responsibility for making you feel bad. And he doesn't like that. This kind of guy is so inwardly insecure he cannot own up to having done anything wrong. These types get mad simply because you are telling them they did something wrong! It's hard to believe but they think they never make mistakes. How dare you threaten his ( very weak) identity !
Your feelings are not even part of the picture. Yes, this is very hard to get your head around because you are an empathetic person and care so much for him. He, on the other hand is so damaged that he has no true feelings for anyone but himself. Questioning his behavior is out of the question. He will never allow himself to be held responsible. You will always lose with him because the only way for him to feel good about himself is to always win.

People like this are very hard to understand because they don't function like you and me. They are not normal. They may be brilliant, successful, well connected etc. but they are somehow screwed up and you cannot be happy with them. You will always feel unsatisfied because the relationship is one sided. Don't bother trying to figure him out. It's a waste of your time and life. Ask me how I know... Get rid, let go, move on.

He has messaged and started gaslighting now, which again, is new. I've been told it's my interpretation of the situation that's wrong and it's my fault I doubt him and the way he feels... nothing to do with the fact that he's lied to me several times, to my face. Nothing to do with the days of silent treatment and avoiding giving me any information or explanation for his behaviour. I can ask a question 18 times and still not get an answer. I am honestly perplexed at where all of this has come from, it's such a change in the last 3/4 months.

It's hard not to think "well why don't I mean enough for him to at least try for me?" Nearly as bad as wondering what the hell changed.

It is a little reassuring that I'm not the only one and that I'm not the "bad person" for addressing problems straight away, though I do feel terrible for those of you who have gone through the same.

I guess it'll take some time to discover some self worth and move forward, particularly when I've had what I thought was a solid plan for my future taken away from me.

I miss him and keep thinking over the last 3 years which have been great, but I guess I'm just torturing myself further.

He sounds so so immature I don't know how you can tolerate this. Just end. The next few weeks will feel amazing because your tummy won't be in knots!

See, your silent treatment has expired and what do you know, sure as eggs is eggs, you're the issue. What he's expecting is for you to be so relieved you've been given another chance that you will accept it and be at fault.

It is very hard I understand how it feels, I'm still hooked in a way too even after everything. However, should mine come out of the woodwork, I'm going to stand my ground because I know one hundred percent I am in the right and this i cannot be blamed for and it's too far.

You could do a test there and not cave but stand your ground and bounce the blame back see the reaction. Likely block again. Alternatively, ignore it and give silent back because they actually hate being ignored.

I personally would avoid but If you do reply don't do it straight away let him squirm watching his phone. He expects instant replies, from you.

Oh my gosh OP are we dating the same man?!

Mine split with me a few weeks ago but been off/on messaging. I can ask him a question a million times and he just ignores it! I often ask myself where my self respect has gone because I wouldn't have dreamed of ever pandering to a man like this. I have a professional job and never been treated like this in my life and it's left me wondering what's wrong with me.

Honestly I could have written all of your posts. I am devastated it's over but for my own sanity I need to go no contact. Please know you're not alone.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. He knows what he’s doing, he knows it hurts you and he does it anyway. By ignoring you, making you anxious and insecure, he knows when he comes back the original issue won’t be raised because you’ll just feel relieved that he’s back. He’s training you not to confront him or speak to him about something that upsets you.

Add in the gaslighting, well…he’s not so amazing really is he? He’s abusive.

This isn’t a Romeo and Juliet starcrossed lovers situation. He’s just a man. There are so many red flags here, the best thing you can do is end it. I hope you’re strong enough to do that before he erodes your self esteem further and you end up a shell of your former self.

Yes, it's exactly this. I hit the point where I could see I was acting out of character and almost lowering myself to get a response. I've never chased a man, never given someone multiple chances, never known I was being treated badly but carried on. Why now?!

It's the sudden change in him that I just can't understand. I can feel myself thinking "I wonder what triggered it" perhaps if we can work that out, we can work through it. But then I remember that if he wanted that to be the case, he would be talking instead of punishing me and acting like a jerk.

He reconfirmed his attendance at the event last night, then didn't turn up. The next day I have to see him is on the 21st. Luckily my contract is up for renewal and I've been offered work elsewhere (which he's been discouraging me to take) so I just need to make it through to the beginning of November.

Im devastated to be honest, but keep trying to tell myself I deserve better and im right for trying to stand up for myself and how I should be treated.

I do feel like a shell of my former self if I'm honest. I'm over thinking and tearing myself to pieces wondering what is wrong with me for him to not care like I do.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Believe me, this is all him.

You can’t make him understand, you can’t just find the right words and it will all be ok - he already knows what he’s doing. This is who he is.

The best thing you can do for yourself is get away from this man. Leaving mine nearly killed me, it’s taken over a year but now I see it for what it was and I’d never go back. The best piece of advice I received on here was to stay away from people who make you feel like shit. It doesn’t matter if he’s nice 90% of the time, the only level of acceptable abuse in a relationship is zero.

How do you stop yourself from messaging or calling or trying to make contact?

I keep checking to see if he's messaged me and I'm driving myself mad

It's easier said than done but you have to be strong and go no contact.

It's hard to explain because it's new you're not deep in it but what you are feeling isn't attraction or love it's the beginning of an addiction to someone who is likely abusive. If you continue it will ramp up and you'll get stuck in it like me and others have and it goes way beyond silent treatment.

It makes you obsessed almost, you're just waiting for them you want them to talk, you want to see them even though they're being horrible. It makes you behave like you have never behaved before with anyone else, makes you needy and insecure constantly chasing. They want the chase. It's an illusion a spell.

You can already maybe see he's flip flopping all over the place. Block, unblock. Going, didn't turn up. It's all mind games to confuse you to the point you don't know what's happening and they worm themselves in when you are weak.

It's like, if he did get in touch you're already lost in it and the aim is for you to brush all that aside, he doesn't want to be wrong or apologize he wants you to accept that behavior. He is above you, dominant in his mind.

That then sets the foundation forever, silent treatment worked on you. That would then increase to anything and everything you don't like, to the point you then never bring up any problems, you don't have any opinion or voice and he can do whatever, while you cannot.

In my case it then became things out of my control, it doesn't matter because you are always to blame you are the emotional punching bag, which then can turn physical like mine did.

I was in it for a decade, had good times but the bad was more often and it wasn't really that good. Never peaceful, never knew where you stood what they thought or mood were in, eggshells. Even now she's out to destroy me and I still have that pulling feeling.

@JibbaJab has absolutely nailed it. That is absolutely how it feels to be in this cycle, you have no option but to break free otherwise it will destroy you.

Block everywhere, delete everything so you can’t contact him. One day at a time.

You're both right. We've been in this bad patch for 10 days and he's not reached out or even tried to attempt to show I was worth anything to him, so why am I expecting it now?

Bloody hard to take; but the actions say everything they need to

This post sums it up perfectly

I'm sorry you're going through this but no contact & blocking is the only way to start to heal from this experience. You have to walk away from them

I am nearly a year after the discard & while I have my down days generally life is so much more calm, mental health a million times better & my body is slowly recovering from the abuse

You can do this