How to let go

[understandingwtf]

I need some advice.

I have been, and still am, completely head over heels in love with a man for 3 years. He's been my best friend and safe space throughout our relationship and I honestly thought I'd met the best person in the world and he was my soul mate. Yes, all that cliched crap became real. I never doubted he would be in my future for once second. We don't live together but we were making plans to do this.

However, a couple of months ago he (I assume) started telling a few little lies and keeping me in the dark regarding a subject he knows hurts me, over time the lies have increased and seem to now easily roll off the tongue. I am usually very capable of saying "no, this upset me because of xyz", or "I don't deserve to be treated like this" sorting out the issue and moving on, this works both ways. But he has started "hiding" from having a conversation about his behaviour. In his words he has taken to "shutting off from confrontation", this means he won't read or respond to messages, answer the phone and our time spent together becomes dramatically reduced. He has a demanding job and will find excuses to be less present on the days he doesn't want to be. This means the issue is dragged out for days, I'm the type of person who likes to address the situation, come up with a resolution and move forward. The dragging it out and the silence is making me extremely anxious and making me feel incredibly unimportant and almost needy for wanting to understand what's happened for him to start to treat me poorly.

When he does decide to start talking again, the issue is never addressed. It's swept under the rug and seemingly forgotten from his side. This in turn makes me feel like my feelings have been hurt and it's either not really registered or it's like they don't matter. Another problem is that I enjoy my time with him so much when the relationship is in a good place, I find myself letting it slide in a want for us to be happy. Cue the next lie and the whole process starts again.

I feel like I just want to know that I mean something and it's driving me mad. I feel like I'm putting everything in to this and he's become complacent. I believe that if I was strong enough to stand my ground he would take control of his actions but I can't seem to get the wording right for him to understand my point of view or how much it's affecting me. He seems to think I'm blowing things sky high or being dramatic. I don't want to do silent treatment, I don't want to play any games. I want to nip this in the bud and go back to what our relationship was but can't seem to find how to do this and now to get him to listen.

I can't work out if I'm being manipulated or if I'm being over sensitive? We're in a rough patch again now and we sometimes see each other at corporate events - the next one being tomorrow evening. I'm not sure if he's attending, he said he was but if he's "hiding" there is a big chance he might not turn up, so my stomach is a bag of nerves about that too. I have to be there as it is compulsory for my role in the company.

Only way I can describe it from what I've experienced and learned.

But above post is true. You think this feels bad now you should feel the abyss you are thrown into after a discard, it's like coming off crack or something. There is no reason, no closure, you are non existent and they restart while you are left in torment, sick and broken.

Don't go down that path I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

That is how I feel right now. I can't concentrate or think about anything else. I want to crawl back in to bed and cry.

I feel so worthless and unwanted.

Thank you all for your support, and I hope you are all happier now.

You are not worthless or unwanted. You know the problem is his, not yours. I was in a relationship with someone who had no idea what a good relationship was like. He didn’t deliberately mistreat me just didn’t seem to understand how it felt for me. He didn’t try to gaslight me or anything like that but just seemed genuinely perplexed when I brought things up. After six years I ended the relationship and we still have occasional contact. It’s so obvious to me now that he just wasn’t relationship material, he is still the same and won’t ever change.

Yep it's the same thing but the longer you are in it the stronger it becomes.

You're likely what I was like and still am to a degree. You can't function, can't eat, shower so anything you would usually do. Lost in a daze floating through each day waiting for the next. The whole time racing through your head of scenarios, why, what if this happened, what if I did this, why haven't they contacted, maybe I should, what are they doing now.

Have you ever been in any situation with anyone else like this before, obsession to the point you are not looking after yourself? I bet you haven't just like me.

I just wanted to thank you for this post, @Whataretalkingabout - you have put into words something I couldn't. I have just been in a crazy-making relationship like this and it did my head in. I loved him with all my heart but he could not/would not take responsibility for anything and would instantly get 'triggered' if called out on his behaviour and say he felt criticized. He couldn't seem to change and I think is a very damaged person. I'm still tying myself in knots trying to understand. But your words are like a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

I am so much happier now, I look back at that time and can’t believe what I tolerated.

I lost so much weight, I couldn’t sleep, I had to have trauma counselling- it was horrific.

He has spent the last year trying to worm his way back in, so prepare yourself for that. They always come back, it’s called hoovering, and it’s not because they love you or they’ve changed it’s more manipulation to see if you still want them. It’s to flatter their ego, nothing else.

Get through these awful days, and then never look back. He will ruin your life.

I'm the opposite I was ran into the ground exhausted doing everything and so sick I was underweight near to the point of being admitted to hospital. That's how I got forced out I was really ill. I've gone from 8st skeleton of a man to 10st now.

Wish I could move with life but I'm stuck in limbo because of the children being withheld.

Cruel, cruel people.

I’m sorry you went through all of that.

Have you been to a solicitor about the children?

Same to you, hope you are in better situation now?

Yeah, there's nothing anyone can do not even the solicitor. They are trying but it's all smoke and mirrors and stonewalling, they can see it I think. Basically scapegoating me as the abuser but everything that's happened since I was discarded shows the opposite way around. Waiting for court now...months away. So half the year gone by that time no contact not even a phone call.

I’m getting there thank you.

I really hope you get some success in court, the children will learn the truth and make their own choices eventually I’m sure, I hope it’s sooner rather than later though it must be incredibly painful.

Glad to hear, it's hard isn't it

Yeah I'm hoping they do because it's all contradictory what's happened and it also extends to the entire family both sides, nobody has seen them. Hard because last time I had them on my own, gave them a cuddle and eldest said love you see you soon and that was that, bang I'm suddenly dangerous.

@ZeppelinTits , I'm glad any bit could help.
I would like to thank the OP@understandingwtf for sharing your problem so openly and clearly . I can relate soooo much. And I hope you will be able to detach and get away asap from this person.

Also a big thanks to @JibbaJab who has given alot of valuable personal insight in this thread ( and several others I have seen his relevant comments on). I feel your pain for missing your DC.

The idea of being addicted to / obsessed by DP is helpful to understanding what I/we have been doing to contribute . Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? Is so insightful. But the other question is : Why do I do that? Ie, why do we put up with the silent treatment and not get out sooner? Why is it so hard to leave? Maybe these should be questions for another thread.....

@Whataretalkingabout Thank you, appreciate the kind words and support. Feel weird sometimes seen as I'm a guy but I'm not the general guy I guess and kind of feel I have to from what I've experienced. On the other side I'm learning more of what men are putting women through as well, which is eye opening but also very sad at the same time.

Another resource I have found that aligns is 'Understanding Narcissism' on YouTube. I think the channel is fairly new but her videos are short and concise, rather than drawn out waffle.

In terms of why, I kind of get the feeling it's a mixture of what you have grown up in, your character and obviously attraction. I get the feeling it's a case of you are everything they are not. Emotionally mature, empathetic, caring and understanding which can be a weakness when dealing with someone who is the opposite.

Another way to look at it is "How miuch would I have to hate/disrespect/disregard this person , to do x, y, z to them as they have done to me? "

All too often we (as people ith empathy) try to work out abusive behavour from an assumption they care. Using our empathy FOR us by asking the "How much woul I?" question puts things into perspective

Yes those are questions I'm asking myself. This is the first time I've been in this situation about someone and I cannot workout how I got here!!

He's turned up at my house today, he doesn't understand how we got to this point and why there is so much bad feeling between us all of a sudden. Perhaps stop lying and disappearing..? I gave him his stuff and told him I needed time to think.

I fully intend not to be in contact, I really hope I can stay strong.

It's awful to see other posters going through the same. @JibbaJab thank you so much for your perspective and I hope you have access to your children soon. I expect the lies have come from her trying to justify her behaviour, which the children don't really know about, so it's not balanced and all against you which is so sad. Please don't give up hope though.

@understandingwtf Thank you, long painful wait but hoping truth with prevail!

He's turned up out of nowhere, and of course nothing has happened, you're delusional. Be wary of the hoovering it works exactly the same as the silent treatment. It works once, it's gonna work again and he'll be in and out whenever it suits and put you through it again.

Easier said than done, I'm still wondering whether I would hold out if turned up out of the blue. I'm not expecting that after all this but what better way to avoid blame by undoing everything and restarting. They do love a reset.