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Original poster

Family relationships

29 replies

Purpleplanet564 · 09/08/2023 11:49

Can I have some views on this please?

I have an ok relationship with my partners brothers wife, we don’t particularly have too much in common and I wouldn’t say I gel with her that well. Am I expected to go out with her and do other things together?
I was taking my daughter out at the weekend to the cinema as a treat and to spend time together as work always gets in the way, she had mentioned brothers wife wanted to come and I said no to my daughter for above reasons but it’s got back to the brothers wife which I feel awful about. She didn’t ask me directly if she could come and I probably would have said yes if she had.
OH has gone mad saying I never include her and I keep her at arms length and has made it all out like I’m a bad/ nasty person . I’ve felt really upset all morning.

OP posts:
Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 11:52

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Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 11:53

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Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 11:54

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mindutopia · 09/08/2023 12:05

I have only ever once done anything alone with BIL's partner in 15 years of dh and being together. I don't think it's normal to socialise with family members' partners unless you are actually close with them. It sounds like you aren't and that's fine. It would certainly be odd to take someone who you aren't particularly close to along to the cinema when you are going with your child - she'd be a bit of an awkward third wheel.

Original poster
Purpleplanet564 · 09/08/2023 12:10

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No, she saw her the other day whilst with other family members.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purpleplanet564 · 09/08/2023 12:14

mindutopia · 09/08/2023 12:05

I have only ever once done anything alone with BIL's partner in 15 years of dh and being together. I don't think it's normal to socialise with family members' partners unless you are actually close with them. It sounds like you aren't and that's fine. It would certainly be odd to take someone who you aren't particularly close to along to the cinema when you are going with your child - she'd be a bit of an awkward third wheel.

I agree, I suppose I just feel bad that I said no and it got back to her, is there anything wrong with me wanting to see a film just with my daughter. I’m also annoyed at OH’s response making me feel bad and like I’m a nasty person x

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 09/08/2023 12:19

It's not your responsibility to entertain others, especially if you already made plans. The sensible and reasonable thing for her to do, is to make plans with you, not expect to be included by default and that goes for anyone other than your partner.

You're not in the wrong don't feel bad for spending time with your daughter. They are being unreasonable making you feel that way.

Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 12:32

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WunWun · 09/08/2023 12:35

How exactly did it get back to her? I'm confused. How old is your daughter?

randomusernam · 09/08/2023 12:37

As the SIL who experiences the other side of this I think yabu. If you don't make any effort to have a relationship how are you ever going to get on?

AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 12:41

So you wanted to spend quality time alone with your daughter and your partner thinks that’s horrible?

How old is your daughter and is your partner also her parent?

AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 12:45

randomusernam · 09/08/2023 12:37

As the SIL who experiences the other side of this I think yabu. If you don't make any effort to have a relationship how are you ever going to get on?

There is nothing strange about a mother making plans to spend time alone with her daughter. Bringing another person along would change the dynamic.

Not being close to the SIL is a different issue. I assume if someone wants to get to know me, they make an effort also. Not indirectly try to tag along with plans I’ve already made by asking another person. Not whining to family when it doesn’t manifest.

Serenity45 · 09/08/2023 12:46

I'm similar OP - my BILs partner of 6 years is lovely, but we don't have a great deal in common. We get on fine as part of family meals / parties / holiday cottage for weekend type things, but I wouldn't dream of including her in my social life (and I'm pretty sure she feels the same).

I'm also confused how she said she wanted to come then heard she wasn't included, tbh. But if it helps, try not to broadcast all of your plans to wider family (not saying you do this, but it can be a habit to mention to people that you're doing 'something' ahead of time - just mention afterwards if you want to share )

WunWun · 09/08/2023 12:47

I think she's means her daughter told the SIL what she said. But I'm confused why she told her daughter so much detail about why she didn't want to take SIL if she's young enough to blab to her or why the daughter would tell SIL if she's old enough to know it would upset her

Daffodilwoman · 09/08/2023 12:49

Yanbu at all.
I would tell your oh that if he is that bothered he can make arrangements to see his sil and/or his brother.
I don’t see my sil at all but then again she had a fall out with my dh so that’s that.
I see my dcs alone without others all the time.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 12:51

My sil and I of 11 years have never done anything on our own or with the childen. Lovely woman and I like her but, similar to you, we just don't gel like that.

Of course there's nothing wrong with doing something just you and your daughter.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 12:51

You have a serious partner problem. He has no right to dictate who you spend your free time with, and you are not obligated to be friends with his brother's wife. He's being completely ridiculous.

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 12:57

Of course you have a choice.

You have every right to choose to do something with only your daughter.

Your OH is a nasty CF to think he can tell you who you can spend time with.

Is he a bully?
Because he sounds like one.

Push back hard against such controlling behaviour.

I really like my 3 SIL's and have never once spent one on one time with any of them.

Original poster
Purpleplanet564 · 09/08/2023 13:15

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Daughter wasn’t bothered

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Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 13:17

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Original poster
Purpleplanet564 · 09/08/2023 13:19

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 12:57

Of course you have a choice.

You have every right to choose to do something with only your daughter.

Your OH is a nasty CF to think he can tell you who you can spend time with.

Is he a bully?
Because he sounds like one.

Push back hard against such controlling behaviour.

I really like my 3 SIL's and have never once spent one on one time with any of them.

OH isn’t nice at times, he can be controlling and very shouty!

I don’t dislike her, we see each other at family events and get along ok, I just don’t choose to spend one on one time with her.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/08/2023 13:24

How often does BIL's wife arrange to do things with you OP?

TheCatterall · 09/08/2023 13:24

Does she often invite you to things.
Does she make an effort with you?

does your other half go all out on making good relationships with all the male members of your family?

Does your other half think that you and your daughter can’t have time together for just the two of you?

AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 13:26

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/08/2023 13:24

How often does BIL's wife arrange to do things with you OP?

And how often does OH arrange to do things with people who have married into your family?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 13:30

OH isn’t nice at times, he can be controlling and very shouty!

Why, why, why are you with him? What a horrendous example for your daughter.

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