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Original poster

What are my obligations to DC's grandmother/facilitating their relationship?

49 replies

Quackadoodledoo · 09/08/2023 09:27

So, very quick backstory - DP's DM and I don't get on. It's a really long story as to why and what has happened but I think the short version is that we are really different people (different religion, different kind of upbringing, different politics, different priorities) and I'm really not the person she ever wanted in her son's life. About a year ago, we had a big blow up over something stupid and I decided I couldn't keep spending time with her and being utterly miserable and tense the whole time so told DP I would rather not have her in the house and would not be going to visit her anymore.

The trouble is that DP can't drive (medical reasons) and doesn't want to drag two kids across country on public transport so just hadn't been to visit. She doesn't want to come to us and stay in a hotel so contact has largely ceased. DP calls her once a week but that's it. Recently SiL called me to have a go at me and thinks I need to "just pull some big girl pants on" and deal with it, because otherwise her DM will have no contact with the DGC. I feel like this isn't my problem but SiL seems to think I'm being manipulative and passive aggressive and using access to DC to hurt DP's M. I don't think I am. I just don't want to see her.

Am I being unreasonable? How much tension/hostility am I expected to soak up for the sake of family contact?

OP posts:

cruffinsmuffin · 09/08/2023 09:39

Honestly I don't think YABU.

I understand your DP can't drive for medical reasons, but the reason for not using public transport as "doesn't want to" is weak, if the relationship mattered between his children and his mother than much then public transport wouldn't be a barrier.

If she doesn't want to come to you and stay in a hotel (which hardly sounds like a chore!) then seeing her grandchildren can't be that important to her either - it's not a Herculean amount of effort required.

If you're not putting any barriers in place other than letting them sort it between themselves (i.e not facilitating by doing all of the driving / hosting) then it's their issue there's no visits, the things you've mentioned aren't true barriers.

I think the pressure being put onto you to put "big girl pants on" by SIL is ridiculous, your DH could put his giant man child pants on and take the kids on public transport, or your MIL could put her granny knickers on and book a hotel. There's several ways contact can be maintained and none of them involve you having to reduce your boundaries to fit in with other peoples lack of effort.

If SIL feels so strongly, perhaps she should come pick up the DC, take them and your DH to hers and have MIL for a long weekend and sort it all herself?

MelonsOnSaleAgain · 09/08/2023 09:41

I agree with @cruffinsmuffin 100%.

you aren’t stopping anything. You’re just leaving it to their side of the family to sort.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2023 09:41

Your man is key here; what does he think about his mother's behaviour towards you?. Presumably he has noticed her behaviour?. Neither of them seem all that bothered about maintaining a relationship with each other in any event.

To your credit here you set a firm boundary. Would you also want someone as seemingly this judgmental as his mother around your children anyway?. It would do them no favours to see you as their mother be so disrespected by their nan.

SIL should stay out of this as this is nothing to do with her. Family are also not binding.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2023 09:42

And what cruffinsmuffin wrote in its entirety.

Doggydarling · 09/08/2023 09:46

Stick to your decision, its not your responsibility to ensure your dp's mother sees her doctor when your dp is around and capable but unwilling to do what it takes. Re your sil if she's that worried tell her to drive and collect her db and his children.

lyralycra · 09/08/2023 09:51

You shouldn't risk exposing yourself to any more toxicity or hostility, OP. It's your home and you get to decide who you want and do not want to visit. Let them work it out.

RoachFish · 09/08/2023 09:56

I say stick to your guns. If the relationship was important to either your DP or his mum they would make it happen. They need to take you out of the equation and sort their own relationship out. Putting the resposibility of maintaining the relationship on you is just another way for them to control you. Also, there is nothing wrong or particularily difficult using public transport. It's often easier, especially with kids as they are not strapped in and bored.

EL8888 · 09/08/2023 09:58

Nothing. If it bothers SIL so much then she can do it 🤷‍♀️

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 10:11

You say yourself that you decided not to see her because of something trivial. She's not an awful human being -she's just different to you. So I think you should facilitate her relationship with her grandchildren. The more people in their lives who love them the better.

cruffinsmuffin · 09/08/2023 10:14

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 10:11

Why can't she facilitate her own relationship with her grandchildren? Why can't her son facilitate his mothers relationship with his children?

Not OPs job to be the only person making an effort.

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 10:15

And I speak as someone who didn't enjoy having my perfectly nice but as different from me as it is possible to be MIL in the house. Her relationship with me wasn't the important thing (so long as she was cordial to me, which she was) it was the relationship with her son and her grandchildren.

Original poster

Quackadoodledoo · 09/08/2023 10:16

Your man is key here; what does he think about his mother's behaviour towards you?. Presumably he has noticed her behaviour?

DP's relationship with his DM is, tbh, fairly fractious and has been for a long time. He loves her but acknowledges she's very difficult and they didn't speak for quite a long time when he first got together with me and she had a whole intervention about how he needed to not be with me.

They also didn't speak for a while when he was a teenager and he moved out and didn't speak until his early twenties. So it's been rocky for a long time. He thinks she's quite capable of getting a hotel near us and is refusing to make a point.

OP posts:

lyralycra · 09/08/2023 10:16

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 10:15

There might be a different between your experience and the OP's experience though? Did you experience feelings of hostility or experience symptoms of having to deal with toxic situations?

calmcoco · 09/08/2023 10:17

It's not your job to facilitate. You're not blocking them meeting up, you've just said not in your home.

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 10:18

"Why can't she facilitate her own relationship with her grandchildren? Why can't her son facilitate his mothers relationship with his children?"

Because it is the OP who has made the decision to "unfacilitate" it.

MattBerrysToupee · 09/08/2023 10:18

Why on earth can't he just take them on the train?

Pufflebow · 09/08/2023 10:21

dp doesn't want to drag two kids across country on public transport so just hadn't been to visit. She doesn't want to come to us and stay in a hotel

based on this, no obligation at all. Neither of them want to put themselves out to facilitate a relationship so why should you.

On the other hand, if your dc would like it and it would be beneficial for them, then maybe you could reach an agreement with MIL. You’re both polite and civil to each other, no passive aggressive comments, you park and discussion of politics etc and you’ll bring the kids or allow her in your home.

Paq · 09/08/2023 10:22

YANBU. Your DH could learn to drive, suck up public transport or your SIL could pick him up. Your MIL could stay in a hotel.

It seems no one is willing to make an effort so they are all putting pressure on you.

HoodedLidsBeGone · 09/08/2023 10:24

Maybe the MIL should have thought about her son's inability to drive when she decided to treat the OP like shit. Why should children be exposed to relations who behave like this?

Dh hated the fact that every fortnight they would visit his paternal Grandparents and every time on the way home his Mum would be crying in the car because of her treatment of her. His Dad had FOG and so every fortnight they went. I too had an overbearing horrid Grandmother who would slag my Dad off who had gone no contact with her. My Mum dutifully took us once a fortnight where we had to listen to her say awful things about my Dad. He hadn't done anything wrong, just no longer danced to her turn.

Personally I think this would be the best time to go very low contact and just keep it at phone calls. I wouldn't want my children in the same room as her. It doesn't teach children a valuable lesson which is whilst someone may be nice to you their behaviour towards others should be considered too.

lyralycra · 09/08/2023 10:25

@CurlewKate I think perhaps you have no experience of what the OP is actually referring to. How much should OP endure? There's only so much self-sacrifice one person can take before it starts to affect them.

Original poster

Quackadoodledoo · 09/08/2023 10:26

In her faint defence btw, the original intervention about how DP needed to break up with me (years ago) was because I had a had a nervous breakdown and ended up in hospital after some very stupid and dangerous (to myself - no one else would have been hurt) choices. She told DP his life would just be looking after me and he'd never have the life he deserved. I felt hugely attacked by that - I needed DP so much then and someone trying to persuade him to leave was very painful and I think our relationship never recovered.

She has always felt that her intervention was a reasonable one for a mother to make for her son and I was never meant to hear about the conversation and we should let go and move on.

The petty argument we had was when she discovered I had regifted a bunch of Xmas gifts from her. It genuinely wasn't meant aggressively - I thanked her at the time, and then passed on some things I didn't like at all rather than have it gather dust (which has happened in the past) and it just seemed to turn into this huge row about all the ways we didn't get on.

OP posts:

lyralycra · 09/08/2023 10:28

Sounds a bit silly getting upset at someone who doesn't like or want the present you got them!

0021andabit · 09/08/2023 10:31

I think it’s up to your DH to take them on public transport. I guess you & DH could offer to pay for his Mum’s hotel if you can afford to & that’s a barrier…? But really it’s your DH & your MIL your SIL should be speaking to - if they wanted to, they could make contact work. Plenty of non drivers (myself included) - not driving doesn’t have to stop you seeing family.

HotPringles · 09/08/2023 10:36

Things can could make it easier

she comes and stays in a hotel nearby to see her ds and his dcs
your DH takes a few days off and uses the train (yes children cope quite well with that. He needs to be happy to entertain them/look after them on his own though)
You all go down together, you drive, drop everyone and then have a few days hols nearby in your own whilst they with MIL
Your DH and MIL meet up half way from each other and book a hotel/AirB&B fir a few days together.

Plenty of possibilities that don’t involve you. All of them are on your terms.

The issue here is that your DH isn’t willing to make the effort (maybe with good reasons too) and your MIL is difficult/doesn’t want to compromise (in line with previous behaviours?).

The only answer to SIL is that it’s something to bring to her brother because your role isn’t to ensure those two can see each other. And that you’re not just a taxi driver.
I mean surely if, let’s say you were getting divorced, he’d have to find a solution Wo you in the picture. So can he now,

HotPringles · 09/08/2023 10:40

Well I have to say this is something many people would find normal. And actually many people would tell posters just that on MN.
This is deeply rooted ableism. But few people are ready to acknowledge that. Your MIL certainly won’t be starting to see you as anything but a burden to your DP.

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