What are my obligations to DC's grandmother/facilitating their relationship?

[Quackadoodledoo]

So, very quick backstory - DP's DM and I don't get on. It's a really long story as to why and what has happened but I think the short version is that we are really different people (different religion, different kind of upbringing, different politics, different priorities) and I'm really not the person she ever wanted in her son's life. About a year ago, we had a big blow up over something stupid and I decided I couldn't keep spending time with her and being utterly miserable and tense the whole time so told DP I would rather not have her in the house and would not be going to visit her anymore.

The trouble is that DP can't drive (medical reasons) and doesn't want to drag two kids across country on public transport so just hadn't been to visit. She doesn't want to come to us and stay in a hotel so contact has largely ceased. DP calls her once a week but that's it. Recently SiL called me to have a go at me and thinks I need to "just pull some big girl pants on" and deal with it, because otherwise her DM will have no contact with the DGC. I feel like this isn't my problem but SiL seems to think I'm being manipulative and passive aggressive and using access to DC to hurt DP's M. I don't think I am. I just don't want to see her.

Am I being unreasonable? How much tension/hostility am I expected to soak up for the sake of family contact?

This is the price your MIL pays for being a bitch

For a good harmonious relationship with GDC you need to keep your DIL onside or at least civil

The kids would probably see riding public transport as an adventure!

Obviously idk how things played out at the time or what the situation was but as a mum, i would probably feel worried in the way she did (wouldnt voice it mind) if my son got with someone who was in your vulnerable situation when they got together. Obviously things have settled down in your life but put yourself in the future with your kids his age and how would you feel? You would naturally feel worried about them? Im not excusing her behaviour as i dont know what went on/was said etc

i regift stuff all the time. Its always a worry getting caught!

idk what to advise. If he wanted to see his mum, he would find a way. I dont think you should feel pressured into facilitating this

I get that she would want to protect her son but it was very foolish of her to interfere and tell him what to do. Parents should never get involved in this way because there's always the chance that their child will continue the relationship with the person they've tried to pull them away from.

How did she find out you regifted some presents??

For this alone, why would you want to facilitate inflicting this woman on your children?

If your dh couldn’t handle being around her, why would you think it’s a good idea to let your children cope with her?

That doesn't stop the MIL and DH from doing anything though - the OP shouldn't be the only one making the effort here. There's several perfectly good and normal ways for them to maintain contact, they're just making zero effort.

She got some plaques for the kids rooms - big signs to put up on the walls. My kids are too young to really understand them (both under 2) and so I kept them for three months and then gave them away. I kept the plushies she got them. She also gave me a top and bag that were totally not my style.

She saw a photo on social media of the kids room after I'd redecorated it and couldn't see the plaques so asked me where they were and wanted them back if I wasn't using them in the new room and I had to admit I'd given them away.

You don't have to accept any hostility from anyone. I cut a GP out of my DC's life when ex died as she was a nasty, divisive old cow and I would not have someone this toxic around my child. The other grandchildren had nothing but grief from the person, a horrible, abusive woman. No loss, my DC had plenty of other loving, caring family and incredible dgp's.

*both under 2 at the time that should be. Obvs they are older now. Time moves on for some reason.

If SIL is that bothered, she can drive your h at the kids to her mum's house or offer overnight accommodation at her house.

This is between your partner and his mother.

Direct his sister to her brother.

You have made your position clear.

It is completely up to your children's father to facilitate their relationship with his mother.

YANBU. Just let it fizzle out.

This is for your partner to sort out , if he wants your MIL to have a relationship with his kids then he needs to sort it . I was NC with my in-laws for over 20 yrs , my husband attempted to forge a relationship between his parents and our kids but by the time the kids were 9/10 they didn’t want to know . I didn’t get involved other than keeping my opinion about his parents to myself in the presence of our children .

Exactly what @billy1966 says, direct your sil to her brother, it’s not your job to field complaints from her or to facilitate the relationship. Wife work! Drives me nuts.

It sounds like your dp can't be bothered with his own mother anyway. She doesn't sound very pleasant. Maybe the dcs are better off not having a relationship with her.
It's down to your dp how he prioritises that relationship.

Mmm ... so your MIL didn't like the idea of her son having to look after you, but would be perfectly happy for you to do all the running because he doesn't drive? Not sure I think that's fair.

I would just reply to the SIL saying you think she hasn't got the full picture, and does she realise neither MIL nor DH is keen to facilitate contact either? The first effort surely needs to come from them, not you.

From their behaviour, your DP and his mum don't want to see one another any more often. Why would you interfere in their choices?

If DP were actually that bothered, couldn't he ask you to drive them all over there and then you go off and do something else for a couple of hours? How difficult a journey is this on public transport?

I agree with all the others, just redirect your SIL to her brother to discuss it with him, he can put his big boy pants on.

this exactly

I suspect that SIL has been pushed into the role of flying monkey because MIL is running out of options. You are standing firm, your DP is standing firm, but she still holds some sway over her DD. Perhaps, while remaining firm, a little sympathy to SIL, encouraging her to move away a bit as well.
The flapping wings she can hear in the background are her chickens coming home to roost!

Also make sure that your dp is not blaming his lack of visits on you!
My exh used to tut when I didn't want to spend an entire week at his parents' over Christmas. After we broke up it became very obvious that actually, he was even less keen on visiting than I was!

it's not your problem to solve. The excuse that your DH 'doesn't want' to travel on public transport is pathetic. Your MiL's excuse that she 'doesn't want' to travel and stay in a hotel is equally pathetic. If MiL wants badly enough to continue a relationship with her GC then there is absolutely nothing stopping her. She knows where you live. Your DH is a grown man. Leave them to it.

@cruffinsmuffin has it nailed. YADNBU.

Don't know if he is or not but MiL definitely is. I think SiL knows he just can't be bothered but isn't going to argue with him because she thinks I'm a softer touch. The poster earlier who described it as "wife work" is bang on the money. For the best part of a decade I've been expected to sort him out, despite MiL thinking of herself as feminist and (and this is what really has got to me) complaining about how I'm hard work and high maintenance and demanding.

It feels as if I was picked to be the scapegoat for their relationship woes years ago by MiL and that's one of the things I've found very hard to deal with.