Need help to end a relationship

[IAmJob84]

This is my first time posting. I've been having a crisis for last few days, not sleeping, eating, tearful and I feel so trapped right now.

My background is I'm a female in my late 30s. I have 2 young children and no family support. I have a lot of trauma from earlier experiences in life and I know that's shaped me, I do try to work on myself and be a good parent. I work part time.

I got married just before my first child 7 years ago. My relationship was okay, however looking back I suppose I'd never really fully known myself and had very low self esteem. I saw my partner as security and a sense of family that I never had. He always liked a drink and so did I but when I became pregnant I stopped and after I had my child I only drank occasionally after. I had my other child 2 years after. Whilst on maternity leave with my second, I discovered by accident that my husband was in huge debt due to gambling. I went into shock really, I felt stupid that I hadn't realised, even though we were always struggling for money and it was always me that seemed to carry us. I think I was just busy being a mum. I was used to being independent in every way. I tried to stay and work at things, but I honestly got so ill mentally that I had to get out in early 2020..then the pandemic etc etc.

My children and I never seemed to fully cope or process this break up. I struggled on days without them and then pined for one or the other. Cut a long story short, just this year in April my ex husband and I decided to try again. Ultimately this was for the children. I felt I owed it to them and I always had gulit around not trying harder.

Anyway, I discovered that he has lied to me and has been gambling the whole time. Since getting back together, he has moved in with me, sold all his possessions and gambled it all. He also drinks excessively every night staying up late and then being really grumpy and disrespectful the next day.

I feel I only have myself to blame and I've trapped myself in and can not let our kids down again, but the toll is great on my health right now. I have tried to talk to him but he is in that defensive, manipulative state and has denial around his addictions. I have isolated myself due to his insecurities and ultimately I feel like he's turning this around on me, I'm the problem, saying he finds it hard to cope with the fact I have hobbies and interests that are varied and change- exercise and cooking different foods.

I feel so lost. I realise I don't love him. I have been feeling suicidal today but after talking to my one friend, I feel less so. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My kids love him and love us being together, but I honestly feel like I'm dying inside and want out to breath. I'm scared to tell him to leave because my mental state is fragile and I know he will attack my character.

Thank you for reading this far. Sorry if this sounds a mess, I'm sleep deprived!

Hi @IAmJob84 I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you have been doing a great job of being a mum and you have tried to do what you thought was best for everyone but it hasn't worked out. Your DH has lied to you so that isn't your fault at all.

You clearly feel bad for having trusted him again but there is no shame in believing in someone or in hoping they might have changed. Addiction can be very hard to spot when you are close to it.

I wanted to pick up on what you said:

I feel I only have myself to blame and I've trapped myself in and can not let our kids down again,

You don't only have yourself to blame. Your partner is addicted to gambling and drinks too much. I'm not sure how helpful blame is anyway but if you are looking for causes, you can look to him.

You've left before so tho it may be hard, you can do it again. You're not trapped. It's not like he's helping you financially anyway.

You will not be letting your kids down by leaving a toxic and possibly abusive relationship. They may find it hard but ultimately you are showing them that they and you are worth good things and that will stand them in good stead. You went back and gave it a chance and although you may feel bad about that now, that will enable you to reassure them in the future that you tried to make it work with their dad. That also may be important to them one day.

I don't know how you left last time but hopefully you can find the same strength and follow similar steps. There will be people along shortly who will have done similar...this is Mumsnet - and I'm sure they can advise you better than I.

Best of luck...x

Thank you so so much. The kindness of a stranger in the darkest wee hours has helped support me so much. You've validated my feelings here. I've honestly been playing in my head what would I tell my children if they came to me as adults with the same thing....and it's exactly everything you said. My only two worries right now are, helping the children cope and hoping he is okay with this. I will be fine in terms of finances, etc. Being honest with him tomorrow is what I'm building myself up for. I will ask for space and use that time to get my energy up. He will have to travel a long distance to stay with family, but this is the only option. Once he is away I can bulid my energy up to sort the rest.
Thank you for showing so much compassion and understanding xx

You have not let your kids down, he has. And he’s let his wife down too.
He needs to go and stay gone, don’t let him yo-yo in and out of a relationship. The kids need stability, and to know how it’s going to be.
Im sure you wouldn’t want your kids to see this as a normal relationship, or for them to choose a relationship like this.

No, @DustyLee123 I would be very sad if any of my two children where in a relationship that made them feel like I do. It's the whole, in sickness and in health thing that plagued me, and the fact my parents left me and my husband says I'm just like them, running when things get tough. In all honesty, i think i just need time on my own and theres nothing right or wrong about that..i just need the strength to face this request to leave as its the character attacks that hurt me so much. Thank you for your reply xx

Be firm with what you want. Don’t let him persuade or blackmail to let him stay.
Visualise your new life and move towards it 💐

Breaking up is a horrible process but it is a process with a start and a finish.

You can hold your head high and know that you tried hard to make it work.

You must focus on your own health both mentally and physically and the welfare of your children.

Of course they will be upset but their best interests is to be raised in a loving and healthy atmosphere, which it isn't if you stay with this man.

Once you've started the ball rolling you are now finding a new path for a new future and when the dust has settled you will know you did the right thing.

@IAmJob84 ❤️ hope it goes ok today. Your situation is not the same as your parents (I don't know what happened but I know that much). And you are not leaving your kids, you are leaving a negative relationship. Sometimes walking away is the right thing to do. It's not the same as running away at all. You are walking towards a new and better future. You should feel very proud of yourself for recognising there is better out there despite the trauma you have been through yourself xxx

Thank you so much to all your comments. I've not had a wink of sleep and getting up for work, but I'm so glad I reached out here as I'm feeling empowered today despite the exhaustion! Thank you for the support xx

I think in your shoes I wouldn't go into detail about the many reasons, that way he can't get defensive and turn things around on you.

A simple 'I don't love you any more and i want you to leave' is enough - you can just keep repeating that one phrase if he starts arguing.

Thanks to all who replied, your advice is much appreciated. I finally got a chance to talk to him last night. He is refusing to leave and citing not wanting to upset ours boys routine again just because of my 'poor mental health' and not as result of his unacceptable behaviour. Still protecting and defending his drinking and gambling. I feel so much better telling him this isn't going to work and although he wouldn't listen, it has started the ball rolling and stopped any attempt he's been making at getting me to go along with the happy families and putting up with it all. Been seeing a lot more of the emotional abuse rather than taking this on as my my problem. He did rattle me by saying he would take our kids back to Northern Ireland where we are both from ( kids born in England) and it did trigger me but I went to bed and stopped the conversation). Trying not to panic today. The house is mine. I may give this a day to settle and keep telling him to make his plans to go?

You need to speak to a family solicitor

Just keep moving towards being single.
I assume you have your wage and child benefit paid into your own account ?
Just keep in mind that this isn’t going to work and you need to move on, and say the same to him. Let him digest the information you have given him, ignore any manipulation and blackmail, and keep moving forwards.

Thank you @DustyLee123 . We got divorced last year so not ties legally. He has only been staying with me since June/ July. Talked about putting him on the house but I'm so glad I did not rush into that. I get child benefit and have worked my hours at work around school and childcare so as never to be dependent on him after we separated first time. The guard I need to keep up is the ' don't upset the kids' argument he's using. It's val for me to need space to get well again after these last few weeks. My mental health has dipped as a result of the pressure of his drinking and processing that his gambling is intact as worse as ever and not something he beat. If he really cared for me, he would allow me time to get my self care back and get a breather...I've been clear that my emotions are taking time to catch up to the lies again. Feel I've put myself right back to where I was before I left 3 years ago. Although I need to remind myself that I am fully independent and took a chance and it's not all my fault.

Good Morning some advice is needed.
met current partner over 7yer go.nothing serious not romantic at all but we got on.had a child who is now 10.during that time ss got involved as not happy in relationship ended up moving away when child was 4from him and had no contact he came back on seen couple years ago it's been toxic but had a child.ive been supportive he has a gambling and drink prob..I introduced to friends who he has met thus year but he seems to always put people before me.just started to work received nothing from him but wants to be out having drinks with friends my friend thinks because him and her partner are friends she can't really say he not allowed round there.i thought maybe we can all get on and do activities with each other but was I wrong for introducing a bad crowd.we had a argument instead of them telling him to leave there property I was told to go home even though I wasn't the one making the scene.he says I just want him around all the time which is far from true.

OP, my heart goes out to you 💗

Look how strong, grounded and clear-sighted you are! Amid all this mess, and against a background of doubting yourself, you still know what needs to be done.

It's not your fault that a parasite wormed his way into your life by playing on your worst fears.

Even though he has lied and lied to you, and pretended to offer the love you longed for, you were still clever enough not to put his name on the house. WELL DONE!!! His stupid, pointless, wasteful gambling habit means that he just looks around for "fuel" and your house would have been next.

Please reach out to Women's Aid for advice on next steps. I'm sure he is very reluctant to leave, but as a final resort you could involve the police (or threaten to), as he has no right to be there against your will.

Don't let him bullshit you that the kids need him around. Like you, they need him around like a fucking hole in the head. He's lying to them, too, pretending to be a loving dad when all the time his real interest is in playing his silly games, with his wife and family as the ultimate sacrifice.

You've been so starved of love in life, and as humans we can't help searching for it. It's not your fault that someone played on this and tricked you. At least you know the truth now, and you have the courage to act on it instead of turning a blind eye. You gave him another chance, which means you'll never wonder how things might have worked out if-if-if. You still have your own home, hurraaaaaaaahhhh!!!!! You've done spectacularly well in horrible circumstances. You've managed to keep everything afloat and will be much better off, in every sense, without him. The children will cope. Don't forget you're doing it for their sake as well as your own. So that you can all live a normal life without him draining you for ever.

I would remove your children's passports to a safe place where he cannot access them which will remove the Northern Ireland worry.

You are doing the right thing. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with an active addict. Their first love is the booze / gambling / drugs etc.. and they will lie and cheat to maintain access to the thing they are addicted to. They don't care who they hurt in the process. They may say that isn't true, they may even believe it isn't true but it is always clear to an impassionate audience.

Sometimes doing the best for the kids doesn't mean giving them what they think they want in the moment. They may want ice cream for dinner but you don't let them have that because you, as an adult, know it isn't healthy. So they want mummy and daddy to live together always - you, as an adult, must be able to see that when daddy is an addict this is not a healthy thing so you need to make the grown up decision to part.

He can accept and get long term help for his addiction which would allow him to be a stable and healthy part of their lives going forward... or, more likely, he can not. As they get older they will see him for what he is and will understand your decision.

Now go put your big girl pants on and do what's best for you and the kids and get this guy out of your house and out of your head!

@chan2185 - you need to start your own thread to get advice for yourself. People on this thread are focusing on the original poster.

@IAmJob84 - this is on your DH. He is an inadequate man who is at the mercy of his addictions. But he’s not going to admit that. He’s a mess so he’s going to fight to stay in your home but it is desperately damaging for you and the children because he is a destructive force. You need him gone. Do you have friends who can be there while you get him out?

Since he has threatened to take your DCs to Northern Ireland, you could look into getting a prohibited steps order: https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/divorce/what-is-a-prohibited-steps-order/#:~:text=A%20prohibited%20steps%20order%20is,one%20of%20the%20child's%20parents.

Oh sorry, missed the ex DH bit !
Yrs, he needs to make plans to leave, if he won’t then change the locks when he’s out and leave his stuff outside, but hopefully he’ll realise it’s over and go.

You’re in a stronger position than many. He has no right to stay in the house as you are divorced. He cannot refuse to leave ultimately - he can be removed if he won’t go voluntarily. He’s banking on you backing down.

You need to stay calm and firm. Tell him that he will be leaving - voluntarily or under police escort. And your mental health will improve significantly without his behaviour in your home.

DC get upset over many things . On a low level, they can be upset when they’re told to go to bed or to leave a party etc. As parents we have to act in our children’s best wishes and that does not always mean letting them have what they want, be it late bedtimes, a diet of crap, or a father in their home who is not a good role model. Focus on their well-being in the longer term not momentary upset.

Thank you, this is helping me so much to read. I'm at work and checking in here is helping my resolve. So grateful for all this advice and aupport.

Very best of luck to you, OP. Stand firm. You deserve better, and the quickest way to achieve it is to rid your life of this complete loser! Well done for finding your way forward!💗

I just want to add, there is no shame in what you've done and the mistakes you've made. I think many of us commenting on here have wasted years of our lives, and ridiculous amounts of £££/$$$/whatever currency, trying to sustain a loving relationship with someone who is just not capable of it. You're doing really, really, really well.

Well done OP.

As he has threatened to leave the country with the children I think you need to call Womens aid and call 101 for advice.

Please ask for their help in removing him from YOUR home.

You must take this threat very seriously.

His concern is for himself completely.

Be so glad that you are divorced and that this is now the final decision regarding him.

Remove the confusion of him in your home once and for all.

He is a bully.

The sooner he leaves or is removed the better.

Keep posting.

There is nothing wrong with your MH.

He is just trying to find a stick to beat you with.

I was hoping to see you on here @billy1966 💗

You are the e.e. cummings of Mumsnet... short simple sentences that carry so much weight!

OP we're all rooting for you xxx

Ah thank you @Alcemeg, I appreciate it.🙏

Even though my MN writing style irritates some, the intention is one of respect for the OP's, who may be bothered and upset.

So many give wise lengthy analysis, but I hope short sharp sentences might land when dealing with a twat that is frying your head!