This is my first time posting. I've been having a crisis for last few days, not sleeping, eating, tearful and I feel so trapped right now.
My background is I'm a female in my late 30s. I have 2 young children and no family support. I have a lot of trauma from earlier experiences in life and I know that's shaped me, I do try to work on myself and be a good parent. I work part time.
I got married just before my first child 7 years ago. My relationship was okay, however looking back I suppose I'd never really fully known myself and had very low self esteem. I saw my partner as security and a sense of family that I never had. He always liked a drink and so did I but when I became pregnant I stopped and after I had my child I only drank occasionally after. I had my other child 2 years after. Whilst on maternity leave with my second, I discovered by accident that my husband was in huge debt due to gambling. I went into shock really, I felt stupid that I hadn't realised, even though we were always struggling for money and it was always me that seemed to carry us. I think I was just busy being a mum. I was used to being independent in every way. I tried to stay and work at things, but I honestly got so ill mentally that I had to get out in early 2020..then the pandemic etc etc.
My children and I never seemed to fully cope or process this break up. I struggled on days without them and then pined for one or the other. Cut a long story short, just this year in April my ex husband and I decided to try again. Ultimately this was for the children. I felt I owed it to them and I always had gulit around not trying harder.
Anyway, I discovered that he has lied to me and has been gambling the whole time. Since getting back together, he has moved in with me, sold all his possessions and gambled it all. He also drinks excessively every night staying up late and then being really grumpy and disrespectful the next day.
I feel I only have myself to blame and I've trapped myself in and can not let our kids down again, but the toll is great on my health right now. I have tried to talk to him but he is in that defensive, manipulative state and has denial around his addictions. I have isolated myself due to his insecurities and ultimately I feel like he's turning this around on me, I'm the problem, saying he finds it hard to cope with the fact I have hobbies and interests that are varied and change- exercise and cooking different foods.
I feel so lost. I realise I don't love him. I have been feeling suicidal today but after talking to my one friend, I feel less so. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My kids love him and love us being together, but I honestly feel like I'm dying inside and want out to breath. I'm scared to tell him to leave because my mental state is fragile and I know he will attack my character.
Thank you for reading this far. Sorry if this sounds a mess, I'm sleep deprived!