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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you break up with someone in this situation?

34 replies

nofuturewithout · 08/08/2023 23:37

I am head over heels for a man who doesn’t love me and it’s killed our relationship. We are perfect for each other in every way other than the fact he doesn’t love me. We have THE best times together and he makes mw laugh. The sex is phenomenal. I tell him I love him everyday and he never responds. I’ve asked him if we are just sex and he says no but when I ask him how he feels about me he says he doesn’t know which I have taken it to mean that he doesn’t love me. I have tried so hard to be happy but this unreciprocated love hurts. It makes me so frustrated that I can’t be happy sometimes when we are together. I work away part of the week and he never misses me. I miss him all of the time and he’s all I think about. I know we are perfect for each other but I am falling more deeply in love with him and I’m worried of the effects if this on my mental health knowing he doesn’t love me back. Do I keep waiting? Or do I walk? I really can’t imagine a life without him. I am 46 and want to be in a relationship. If I leave then I know it’ll take me months and months to get over him but at least I would have a chance to be happy with someone. As I typed that I realise I don’t think I will ever get over him and I will be alone forever. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
nofuturewithout · 08/08/2023 23:42

We have been together for almost 3 years.

OP posts:
Startrekkeruniverse · 08/08/2023 23:45

Get rid OP. If you’d been together 3 months then I’d say you need to chill out. 3 years though….and he’s still saying he doesn’t know how he feels? He sounds like a child and you sound like you can do much better.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 23:45

Honestly, I think sometimes this kind of thing makes women go a little bit mad. Nothing personal! There is nothing there to say it's worth continuing with the relationship and you are suffering intense highs and lows so you are worried now about your mental health. If any man makes you doubt your mental health, then it's time for that relationship to end. Is there anyway you can get counselling?

AgingDiscoQueen · 08/08/2023 23:46

I really feel for you, it sounds from your post that you already know what would be best for you and I think that’s so brave. This woman is a relationship coach and she’s all over self respect and self esteem re. finding the right person https://instagram.com/jillianturecki?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
I’ve been there, I’m changing- it’s actually really liberating once you let go of needing to be loved and start to focus on yourself. I’m not there yet but I’m so looking forward to the time I meet someone and consider wether he’s good enough for me instead of using my energy making myself “good enough” for him.

Instagram

https://instagram.com/jillianturecki?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Mmhmmn · 09/08/2023 00:02

Sorry to see this OP.

Contrary to what you've been thinking, you're not perfect for each other. You deserve to have all that love back that you're offering him and you know that.

GoldDuster · 09/08/2023 00:16

Perfect other than he doesn't love you and the relationship has left you seriously questioning your mental health.

So not at all perfect, in reality. I'm not sure a decent sex life and a few laughs are worth the trade off, your choice isn't eithe put up with this or die alone. You're worth more.

Original poster
nofuturewithout · 09/08/2023 01:25

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I’m utterly devastated. He’s everything to me. I can’t sleep and now crying my eyes out.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 09/08/2023 02:16

You can get over him, you just won't allow yourself to get over him.

newfriend05 · 09/08/2023 02:16

Get rid now OP I've been you wasted years.. someone he does love will come along and he be gone like a shot .. but will keep
You as back up .. don't be it

Aintgointogoa · 09/08/2023 02:17

@nofuturewithout it is painful to read that you are suffering with this non reciprocal love, "perfect" or not as the case may be....but maybe he is just being honest and that leaves you the choice. I was head over heels in love with a man who never promised me anything (he wouldn't engage in exchanging the I love you thing) - but for five years we had the best time : he took me to so many places, he was always surprising me with treats and quirky surprises, he was a fantastic lover, he spent a lot of time with me and my son and we visited his home when he relocated from London - but he never wanted to lie to me. He did not 'love' me but he treated me with so much affection, was so proud of me, never stopped laughing with me....but never 'led me on'. I knew he wanted a family which I could never give him. Still, I would threaten to leave and throw a strop occasionally but he would just look at me and say "you know how much I like you, I will do anything for you, but I cannot say I love you". Then he met a woman, in his city, it got serious, and they married ! And I am still friends with him and his wife and family. I don't feel I wasted that time, I was happy to be out of a dead end relationship so I took it on those terms (with a few exceptions !)
Sorry, I have turned the thread on to my story, but really if you can't enjoy being with him now, on those terms, then you have to finish it. And you will get over it. 🌈

BritInAus · 09/08/2023 02:27

Please find your self respect

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 09/08/2023 02:49

I would break up yes in this situation. But I understand how hard this is when you’re in love. Super painful. You WILL get over him. It’s harder to use the logic side of your brain when you’re in the middle of it. But I believe future you will thank yourself for this decision.

Fraaahnces · 09/08/2023 02:50

If he doesn’t know, he’s telling you he knows. Get out while you have some self-esteem left.

Brightandshining · 09/08/2023 03:12

3 years and he can't tell you he loves you!! Yes get rid. This isn't going anywhere but pain for you.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 09/08/2023 03:24

Yes, you are being strung along.

SunflowerTed · 09/08/2023 03:32

You sound a lot younger and needier than 46

Mothership4two · 09/08/2023 03:35

nofuturewithout · 09/08/2023 01:25

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I’m utterly devastated. He’s everything to me. I can’t sleep and now crying my eyes out.

Flowers

Imagine how you would feel when he leaves you for the person he does feel he could fall in love with?

FedUpMumof10YO · 09/08/2023 05:09

Don't be like @Aintgointogoa it would be tragic to waste anymore time.

Let go of what you think your life should be like. From what you've said, you want different things. If you're ok with his offering, then crack on but it doesn't sound like you are.

yellowsmileyface · 09/08/2023 10:18

I'm sorry to say after 3 years... there's no point in waiting around. If he was going to fall in love it would have happened by now.

As other PP have pointed out, clearly you're not really perfect for each other as there are pretty massive exceptions to that point. I suspect you might be putting him and the relationship on a pedestal, and you're just not noticing any other ways you're not right for each other because this massive thing is overshadowing them.

It seems evident you won't be able to be happy with him. It's always going to hurt that he doesn't love you back, no matter how much you try not to let it bother you. I know it's hard to walk away but you deserve to be loved.

TheGoddessFrigg · 09/08/2023 10:22

Something I read somewhere really stuck with me. It said - 'Loving someone who doesn't love you back is also a form of self harm'.

And if you think he is everything to you, I would highly recommend reading 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie.

itchyscalp · 09/08/2023 10:26

I'm sorry but you're obviously not perfect for each other if he doesn't love you!

Whataretheodds · 09/08/2023 10:26

Mmhmmn · 09/08/2023 00:02

Sorry to see this OP.

Contrary to what you've been thinking, you're not perfect for each other. You deserve to have all that love back that you're offering him and you know that.

This. He does not need to be everything to you.

Finish it and fall radically in love with yourself instead.

You'll need to be disciplined and go cold turkey - block him, no meet ups, no chats, no happy birthday, no wishing him good luck for a big work thing.

The best way to get over him will be to throw yourself into other things.

Olika · 09/08/2023 10:42

OP, please. You should never be with someone who doesn't choose you back. I had a boyfriend with whom sex was mind blowing. But he wasn't filing my other needs. When I got to know my now husband and fell
In love with him, the inner peace I felt was even more mind blowing. I don't have to question myself or him and it gives me this calmness in my heart and soul. And the sex has become amazing because of us both being in love with each other.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/08/2023 10:48

SunflowerTed · 09/08/2023 03:32

You sound a lot younger and needier than 46

Please don’t post gratuitous insults to someone who is already hurting.

crazeekat · 09/08/2023 11:32

op i feel for u but it's not right. if you were he would be shouting from the rooftops, well at least telling you.
u deserve better. way much better. don't waste any more
if ur precious years with him. stay friends whatever but u deserve someeone who knows what they want and that is you. he has it too easy so why tie himself down? he is selfish. i know it's really hard to break off and there is never a good time to make yourself miserable but it is just delaying. think about yourself in this because ur man isn't.

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