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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

9 weeks pregnant and very worried

42 replies

mumtobbk · 08/08/2023 22:14

Please help. I feel quite desperate. I'm 9 weeks pregnant and engaged. I'm also divorced and have a four year old whom I share custody with my ex husband. My fiancé and I have known each other since we were 15 and got together after my ex and I split. We've been together 2 years, him living with me for 1 year. He is amazing with my son but we have had quite a few arguments where I feel he's been very controlling ... He comes from an abusive childhood and is estranged from his family and is 40 and told me has never had a healthy relationship until now.

The arguments have been very bad and heated / usually started from him being unhappy about my relationship with my ex / he thinks I had too much contact with him. We had a lot of counselling and he has been amazing the last 5 months and we haven't really argued and we're very happy / to the point where we decided to try for a baby as we're both turning 40 so now or never...

Since I got pregnant we've been arguing again.. I honestly dislike him so much at the moment ... the argument we had this evening : He is angry because it's his friends 40th birthday this Saturday - I can only go for five hours because my ex is away and so I arranged for my neighbour to take care of my son (no kids allowed) so would have to leave early to get him He's annoyed because he said I should have told me ex he couldn't go on holiday that weekend so that he was there to look after my son. Sorry I know it may seem petty but this is an example but there have been so many things like this...

I'm honestly starting to feel like this is all a bad idea... I have been looking into abortion as I don't think it would be fair to continue if there's already an inkling it could not work out between him and I. I'm 9 weeks tho so only have a week left to make this decision. I don't think it would be a good idea to have two children as a single parent from two different fathers and too stressful for everyone involved. I also know how difficult and controlling my current partner is so worried it could get ugly if that were to happen?

I don't know if it's hormones which are why I don't like him but I'm suddenly reminded of all the times when he behaved so badly.... I thought it had changed but like I said since I got pregnant we've been arguing again... I'm worried for the future.

OP posts:
Hardly123 · 08/08/2023 22:22

I don't have any experience of this but wanted to send support. My cousin is the daughter of a single mum who had children by two different fathers, one of whom was a very difficult man. The children are adults now and happy kind people. They are a lovely family unit and the three of them had a happy family life together. It can be okay.

At the same time I can completely understand your worries, his behaviour does sound very controlling. I think it's down to whether you think it's realistic to be a single mum of two kids. I would try not to worry too much about there being two different dads.

Anyway I am very inexperienced with no kids myself. But I dislike the idea that you would not have your baby just because of this unkind controlling man, why should his behaviour determine the outcome? But perhaps that's naive of me as I appreciate he has the potential to make things difficult.

Radiodread · 08/08/2023 22:25

Yeah rightly so. He is going to complicate your life and make you stressed for the next 18 years at the least. Trust your instincts here. If you don’t have strong moral objections to abortion, that is absolutely what I’d do if I were you

Passwordsffs · 08/08/2023 22:27

Radiodread · 08/08/2023 22:25

Yeah rightly so. He is going to complicate your life and make you stressed for the next 18 years at the least. Trust your instincts here. If you don’t have strong moral objections to abortion, that is absolutely what I’d do if I were you

Absolutely agree with this. Such a difficult decision for you xx

Seaoftroubles · 09/08/2023 00:17

Such a difficult decision OP, l feel for you. As this is a planned pregnancy l imagine that if you decided to have an abortion that would mean the end of your relationship. It's a difficult decision to make but your partners anger and jealousy issues sound very concerning, as is is the fact he admits he has never had a healthy relationship in the past.
If you do decide to continue with the pregnancy and end the relationship at least it is your property so you can ask him to leave. Go with your instincts OP, don't stay with this controlling man if you are unhappy to the point of feeling desperate.

tysonb · 09/08/2023 00:58

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ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 01:58

Why on earth get pregnant by an angry, argumentative loser? It's just so baffling. Wasn't the thought of your existing child's welfare enough to warn you off this situation??

By all means terminate and move on.

(It's not a baby, it's a non-sentient cluster of cells, same as a recent bowel movement. Believe science.)

SunflowerTed · 09/08/2023 03:44

I would also terminate. This is a bad situation for your son and bringing a new baby into it would be a disaster. End it - he will only getting worse

Original poster
mumtobbk · 09/08/2023 09:17

'Why on earth get pregnant by an angry, argumentative loser? It's just so baffling. Wasn't the thought of your existing child's welfare enough to warn you off this situation??'

I know this makes sense, we had a lot of therapy which seemed to really help. He's amazing with my son who loves him very much. We didn't argue for 7 months after the therapy and honestly we're very happy. You're right, I should have waited longer but I turn 40 this year and honestly thought everything would be great - I felt very much in love with him.

Then I got pregnant, and we started arguing again.. I know my feelings are amplified because of hormones... we've been arguing the last two weeks and I can't seem to be able to handle any kind of confrentation

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtobbk · 09/08/2023 09:20

*confrontation. Thankyou so much, I really really appreciate everyone's time reading and feedback xx

OP posts:
tysonb · 09/08/2023 13:28

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HarrietStyles · 09/08/2023 13:35

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I don’t mean to upset you - but if you have already needed couples counselling after only 2 years together (only 1 living together) then the relationship sounds doomed. You should be pretty loved up still at this stage. Personally I would end the relationship first, then take a week or two to decide whether I wanted to continue the pregnancy as a single mother or not. Take the two decisions separately and not as a package.

Inthebitterend · 09/08/2023 13:45

HarrietStyles · 09/08/2023 13:35

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I don’t mean to upset you - but if you have already needed couples counselling after only 2 years together (only 1 living together) then the relationship sounds doomed. You should be pretty loved up still at this stage. Personally I would end the relationship first, then take a week or two to decide whether I wanted to continue the pregnancy as a single mother or not. Take the two decisions separately and not as a package.

I totally agree with this.

Don't listen to others who may make you feel guilty for wanting a termination - it's your life and only you know what is best for you and your child/future child. I wouldn't want a baby with a man who was like this, especially after such a short time together. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/08/2023 15:05

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Nonsense. This is a potential child, and no woman is obliged to turn that potential into reality by continuing a pregnancy.

If he doesn’t seem a good option (and I agree he didn’t), why would you inflict him on a child as a father? That would be cruel to both mother and child.

tysonb · 09/08/2023 15:59

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DrLightman · 09/08/2023 16:02

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Its not a baby - its a cluster of cells
I am reporting you for your guilt trip language that has ZERO place here

DrLightman · 09/08/2023 16:03

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Not yet its not

Frogger8395 · 09/08/2023 16:19

I would terminate the pregnancy and get rid of him.

DrLightman · 09/08/2023 16:20

@mumtobbk do you want to have a baby with this man?

category12 · 09/08/2023 16:25

Yeah, sounds like terminating is the best idea in your circumstances - it would be really unfortunate to be tied to this man through a child.

You can always say you miscarried.

Merryoldgoat · 09/08/2023 16:47

Honestly OP - he’ll make your life miserable.

Having a child with a man like this is a life sentence.

Original poster
mumtobbk · 09/08/2023 18:37

No that's ok! I think because we've been friends since we were kids so there's a lot of history there ... we both really wanted to try it and it did actually really seem to help. I believe a lot in therapy and was just really hopeful...But yes, I guess it's naive.... it was honestly such a great relationship otherwise.... when we didn't argue we had the most fun I've ever had in a relationship, he makes me laugh so much and is so amazing with my son... I just thought someone could help us navigate disagreements...

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 09/08/2023 18:41

It does all sound very hard work and lots of issues when you haven’t been together long 😞
you know what it’s like from your eldest and how tough those early days can be, can put pressure on the best relationships. Something to think about.

Lookingatthesunset · 09/08/2023 18:41

Maybe you could try therapy again? Though the effects tbf have been short-lived from the last sessions.

Will you feel later that you missed your last chance to have a second child?

Original poster
mumtobbk · 09/08/2023 21:53

Yes for sure.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My ex starting getting nastier when I was pregnant and I found it so hard with all the hormones and stress. Also when you know you SHOULD be being treated like a precious princess and you're not, it really makes you wake up to what they're doing. He ended up walking out on me at 34 weeks pregnant when his attitude towards me, my anxiousness related to this, and the arguments had got worse and worse...
my son is absolutely adorable and I don't regret having him (my only baby) if I'd known this would happen v early on I might have considered not going through with it and trying to find someone else to have a traditional family with before having a baby. But I'm a few years younger than you.

I don't think you should stay with this guy he will only get worse.
I would self refer to Marie stopes and ask to speak with a counsellor to help you make a decision about continuing the pregnancy - I've done that in the past and they are very helpful