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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

9 weeks pregnant and very worried

42 replies

mumtobbk · 08/08/2023 22:14

Please help. I feel quite desperate. I'm 9 weeks pregnant and engaged. I'm also divorced and have a four year old whom I share custody with my ex husband. My fiancé and I have known each other since we were 15 and got together after my ex and I split. We've been together 2 years, him living with me for 1 year. He is amazing with my son but we have had quite a few arguments where I feel he's been very controlling ... He comes from an abusive childhood and is estranged from his family and is 40 and told me has never had a healthy relationship until now.

The arguments have been very bad and heated / usually started from him being unhappy about my relationship with my ex / he thinks I had too much contact with him. We had a lot of counselling and he has been amazing the last 5 months and we haven't really argued and we're very happy / to the point where we decided to try for a baby as we're both turning 40 so now or never...

Since I got pregnant we've been arguing again.. I honestly dislike him so much at the moment ... the argument we had this evening : He is angry because it's his friends 40th birthday this Saturday - I can only go for five hours because my ex is away and so I arranged for my neighbour to take care of my son (no kids allowed) so would have to leave early to get him He's annoyed because he said I should have told me ex he couldn't go on holiday that weekend so that he was there to look after my son. Sorry I know it may seem petty but this is an example but there have been so many things like this...

I'm honestly starting to feel like this is all a bad idea... I have been looking into abortion as I don't think it would be fair to continue if there's already an inkling it could not work out between him and I. I'm 9 weeks tho so only have a week left to make this decision. I don't think it would be a good idea to have two children as a single parent from two different fathers and too stressful for everyone involved. I also know how difficult and controlling my current partner is so worried it could get ugly if that were to happen?

I don't know if it's hormones which are why I don't like him but I'm suddenly reminded of all the times when he behaved so badly.... I thought it had changed but like I said since I got pregnant we've been arguing again... I'm worried for the future.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:03

mumtobbk · 09/08/2023 18:37

No that's ok! I think because we've been friends since we were kids so there's a lot of history there ... we both really wanted to try it and it did actually really seem to help. I believe a lot in therapy and was just really hopeful...But yes, I guess it's naive.... it was honestly such a great relationship otherwise.... when we didn't argue we had the most fun I've ever had in a relationship, he makes me laugh so much and is so amazing with my son... I just thought someone could help us navigate disagreements...

You sound lovely and it was sensible to give counseling a go- more people should do it in my opinion!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:04

mumtobbk · 09/08/2023 18:37

Sounds a lot like my relationship with my ex too. I've since heard that when you hear yourself saying 'when it's good it's, soooo good!' That's a warning red flag sign!

crazeekat · 09/08/2023 23:27

op please don't have an abortion based on the views of people on mumsnet. you really need to speak to a
professional fast. no one will judge u for having two kids with two different dads, and if they do screw them. so not worth it.
it's not their life. not their kids. why should you suffer the trauma of an abortion because ur fiancé is a twat. u can and could perfectly well raise two kids as a single parent, yes it's difficult but strong independent women are doing it every singe day. without a man. they are not the boss of u. u have lots of options but you must speak to professionals. get booked in with ur gp and she can refer you.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 10/08/2023 08:26

Terminate and have a happier life. It's horrible and a horrible choice to have to make but it sounds as though this relationship is doomed to failure.

Shoxfordian · 10/08/2023 08:33

Yeah you should really consider termination of the pregnancy and the relationship

Starlightstarbright2 · 10/08/2023 08:35

I am in the fence here - a abusive relationships get worse during pregnancy .

but …. We have details of one argument in which yanbu…we have no idea about the rest.

Do also consider as you say it may well be your last opportunity at your age .

I agree maybe you would benefit from counselling to work your way through this .. whatever you decide.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2023 08:37

HarrietStyles · 09/08/2023 13:35

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I don’t mean to upset you - but if you have already needed couples counselling after only 2 years together (only 1 living together) then the relationship sounds doomed. You should be pretty loved up still at this stage. Personally I would end the relationship first, then take a week or two to decide whether I wanted to continue the pregnancy as a single mother or not. Take the two decisions separately and not as a package.

Very much agree. You’ve been pushing water up hill, it just shouldn’t be this complicated or angsty.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2023 08:42

Starlightstarbright2 · 10/08/2023 08:35

I am in the fence here - a abusive relationships get worse during pregnancy .

but …. We have details of one argument in which yanbu…we have no idea about the rest.

Do also consider as you say it may well be your last opportunity at your age .

I agree maybe you would benefit from counselling to work your way through this .. whatever you decide.

It’s an illuminating example. He thought her ex should cancel his holiday so she could spend more than 5 hours at a party for his mate. Like it’s her ex’s problem what parties his mates are having, like a party should be such a huge priority for OP. She’d arranged different childcare and it still wasn’t enough for him.

He's one man, with a pregnant girlfriend, who thinks the entire world and the lives of a handful of other people, should revolve around him. No one was stopping him going to the bloody party as it was.

Original poster

mumtobbk · 10/08/2023 09:16

Thankyou so much for your comments, honestly I'm really grateful and it's so helpful to hear your opinions.

Unexpectedlysinglemum I'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds awful and I can't imagine how hard that must have been to go through but happy to hear about your wonderful relationship with your DS.

I'm arranging to speak to a councillor ASAP who's meant to be amazing. Really hoping they can help.

Thankyou again everyone xx

OP posts:

Crunchingleaf · 10/08/2023 09:20

OP this is such a difficult situation for you. I got a bad feeling about my ex when I was pregnant with my eldest. I ignored it. My eldest is great and I wouldn’t change him for the world. Dealing with his father is a nightmare though.

You already have a child so you have to put them first when making this decision.

A couple things you have said makes me wonder if your partner is extremely difficult person.
In order to make your decision easier maybe think if there are other red flags from him.
Is he always the victim
Does he ever twist your words and use them against you
Does he make you doubt yourself a lot
Does he make you feel like arguments are always all your fault
Do you feel on edge when he is in a bad mood
Is there name calling and personal criticism of you in arguments
Are the arguments in front of the child
Do you feel safe emotionally with him

Your relationship sounds way too much hard work for such a new relationship. So it doesn’t sound like it will work out. Therapy this early is a bad sign. You don’t want to be stuck dealing with this guy for 18 years if he is anyway difficult OP.

Seaoftroubles · 10/08/2023 09:58

OP l am so glad you are seeing a counsellor, l hope that helps with this difficult decision. Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide.

SophieTheWonderCat · 10/08/2023 10:05

It sounds like he can't understand the commitments that you have for your child so I have no idea how he is going to be when it is his own.

Hardly123 · 15/08/2023 00:45

Let us know how you are doing

Original poster

mumtobbk · 16/08/2023 09:33

I'm feeling a bit better thankyou. I started seeing a new counsellor who is excellent and is helping with my anxiety.. everything has been calm in the last week. My boyfriend has been doing everything around the house and looking after my DS so well ... we haven't had any arguments since that last one which we went through together in therapy and he's being really supportive.... ??????

Honestly it's quite extreme.. things are amazing ... and then we go through patches of arguments and it's so awful... I'm honestly very confused but my therapist seems to think everything will be fine... I don't know...

OP posts:

Crunchingleaf · 16/08/2023 10:56

what do you think OP? Do you want a life like this. Where things are unpredictable and volatile. It’s okay to trust your own instincts. Some people are happy in a more chaotic environment than others.

Original poster

mumtobbk · 16/08/2023 21:12

I really don't know what to do or think...

OP posts:

MillWood85 · 16/08/2023 21:51

Your gut is telling you something. It's OK to listen to it.

You're soon going to reach a point where you don't have a choice. And no decent counsellor should tell you to stay in a relationship where you have doubts.

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