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Original poster

DH always threatens to break up

34 replies

LlamaMamma · 08/08/2023 20:34

DH and I have been married 3 years. We have a daughter who is 14 months. In most arguments, if he feels like he's not 'winning' or doesn't have a valid point then he threatens to break up with phrases like "I think we are done" "I've had enough of you, I'll be better off without you" "that's the last straw, I'm moving out tomorrow morning".

The things he says it to are just trivial arguments that do not need to be escalated to break up level. For example earlier today i got annoyed at him for putting an open bag of M&Ms into my bag without closing it, it melted and would have ruined the bag had I not noticed it. I angrily told him to think before doing things and to be more careful with my belongings (no curse words, no shouting, literally just that in an angry tone). He said he's fed up of me talking to him like that and we are done (I don't get annoyed unless he does something silly like that).

Or if whilst we were trying to conceive no2 I got annoyed when, after promising me to not drink more than 3 drinks per week as our fertility doc advised, he said it's actually up to him and if he wants more he will have more. And if I complain about it he will 'get me out of his life'.

I don't want to run after him every time he threatens and in all honesty I'd be ok with losing him... but I am terrified of being separated from my daughter and not see her every day.

On other occasions he's super loving and he called me 'worlds best mum' yesterday and told me how lucky he is with me. But in arguments he can be hot headed and make threats. He's so hot headed he could actually leave.

Anyone with experience of not seeing babies this young daily, in case he does leave and we have shared custody? Anyone with experience of threatening partners? He was not at all like that before marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
LlamaMamma · 08/08/2023 20:37

To clarify I mean not seeing her every day in case courts grant us shared custody and she's with him every other weekend.

I'm in the U.K.

Financially I'm very stable, have my own property and plenty of pre-marriage savings (as does he)

OP posts:
HakunaMatiłda · 08/08/2023 20:44

Call his bluff. Just the once, but let him leave.

Either he will realise he is making a huge mistake and won’t threaten it again, or you are giving your DC stability and a life away from a toxic environment.

RedWineRedFace · 08/08/2023 20:47

It’s a manipulation tactic to get you to back off and shut up. When he doesn’t want to face up to his own issues, he shuts you down so he doesn’t have to listen to it anymore, which is not how healthy communication should be.

Call his bluff. Show him the door next time. Once he realizes it’s stopped working, it loses all power. That’s just a bandaid though, there’s a lot more at play here to deal with.

AutumnCrow · 08/08/2023 20:47

He won't the responsibility 50%. You know that really. He'll huff and puff but that all it is.

catin8oots · 08/08/2023 20:50

He's a prat.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 08/08/2023 20:52

Call his bluff.
Honestly, it must be wearing to have this thrown at you so regularly.

Maray1967 · 08/08/2023 20:56

Call his bluff. I would get a case for him and tell him to start packing and look like I couldn’t care less.

No way would I put up with this.

Stratocumulus · 08/08/2023 20:57

I know someone close to me who’s husband used to say during the slightest tiff “I want a divorce!”

She put up with this for a few years until finally in a secure job & savings enough she house hunted in secret, bought a place & moved out.

He was maddened. Never thought she would be capable of calling his bluff.
Think on OP, think on!

Breadbin2 · 08/08/2023 21:03

When my parents argued one of them would always say that’s it they’re getting a divorce or talk about relationship breaking up. I found in early relationships I was the same, if I had a big argument I’d say to my partner it was over….sometimes I thought it was as I didn’t realise that conflict didn’t automatically mean the relationship could be over.

I realised how destructive that was and learned to handle things better. I never wanted things to be over I just thought they were because I hadn’t seen a better way to handle things.

He might just be controlling but I’d talk to him to see if he realises what he’s saying and where does it come from? He needs to stop it or maybe genuinely break up

GingerIsBest · 08/08/2023 21:03

So what happens when he makes these pronouncements? Do you immediately back down? Apologise? Beg him not to leave you? Or do you think twice next time you have an issue and perhaps choose to let certain things slide because it's easier than dealing with the drama?

Because, that's why he does it - to shut you down. So that you don't do or say the things he doesn't want you to do or say.

So either he stops doing it, or you continue to give in, or you give him an ultimatum of your own... that if he feels that way he should leave and you aren't interested any more.

PS. the only time either DH and I ever even vaguely mentioned splitting up was after MONTHS of things being hard, during covid, and a lot of resentment etc had built up. And that comment from him, that was sort of half throwaway comment and half an attempt to make me change my behaviour, led to a LOT of thinking and discussing and effort on both our parts to be better.

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2023 21:04

Tell him where the door is next time

AuntMarch · 08/08/2023 21:06

My son has been every other weekend with his dad since about 2 - was every Saturday before that. I found it very difficult being away from him at first but soon realised it left me rested and able to be more present when he was here as I'd been able to do more of the mundane household tasks while he was away.

I would tell your husband "if you want to leave, then leave. Otherwise stop trying to manipulate me with the threat. Next time, I will be taking you at your word"
I couldn't live with that threat hanging over me all the time, and it would not be what I'd want role modelling to my child.

Titicacacandle · 08/08/2023 21:11

I had one of these husbands. I once started packing his clothes up and he rang his mum to say I was kicking him out 😂. I finally really did call his bluff and kicked him out permanently. What a relief.

AnnaMagnani · 08/08/2023 21:14

My mum used to do this to my dad. She had no intention of leaving, loved him to bits but had no idea how to argue or express her emotions having grown up in a very abusive home.

He completely ignored her doing it which worked great for their adult relationship but had a big impact on me as a child as I always felt my parents were about to split up.

Eventually he called her bluff and told her to crack on. My DM told me she was so shocked she packed it in for good.

I suggest you stop reacting to him, and if he carries on tell him to pack a bag and the doors that way.

bamboonights · 09/08/2023 08:23

It's not mentioned enough but I truly believe part of having a successful relationship is to learn how to resolve conflict. The only role models we have in younger life are our parents. Later on, our own experiences. I think conflict resolution should be taught in schools as it's fundamental to a functioning society, not just relationships. My ex husband could never be wrong, he used to walk out and never, ever, say sorry. He was extremely aggressive during conflict and even worse when he had had a drink. Another long time partner used to be extremely emotionally abusive, but say sorry continually, only to repeat the behaviour.
My own parents never argued and had a very happy marriage so I had no idea how to resolve conflict other than being extremely upset.
His behaviour to me doesn't sound good for the longevity of your relationship unless he's prepared to go for counselling with you. Sorry you're going through this.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 08:26

My exh used to do this. Once left for a week.. When he came back he made us be so grateful. A year later I threw him out for good. Via text! Haven't seen his sorry lazy arse at all since the night before he left.. Been 11 years.. Of bliss.

Spinet · 09/08/2023 08:27

If it were my husband I'd be trying to talk to him about this when he wasn't angry to tell him how it made me feel. However only because I love him and really to stay with him. (as long as he changes that). You don't seem to like your husband much so why bother? Honestly life's too short.

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 08:45

Him - I've had enough. We're done.

You - Righty oh! Bye. Do you need any help packing?

ReformedWaywardTeen · 09/08/2023 08:49

He's gaslighting you.

Let him leave

And for Christ's sake don't have anymore DC with him.

What a vile person.

So what, you can't call him out on things for fear he may leave? How old is he, 6?

Why would you not get to see your child? He's left you feeling so unconfident that you think he would get custody? The man who refused to stop drinking at the request of a consultant? Is he a drinker because to me he sounds like a selfish self interested boozer.

LTB op

Justanotherdobby · 09/08/2023 13:56

Leave him. I say this as someone who spent 8 years with someone who behaved like this. The stress caused by the constant threat of breaking up being dangled over my head coupled with the push/pull dynamic e.g. having to chase after him to calm things down and not speaking up when he was treating me poorly for fear of a breakup (which is exactly the intended effect when they do this btw) did untold damage to my mental health and general wellbeing. I can't imagine raising a child with someone who is intentionally creating an emotionally abusive and unstable environment.

Frogger8395 · 09/08/2023 14:23

It’s controlling and abusive. He’s being very clear that you are not to raise any issues or he might leave you. He is silencing you.

I would not have another baby with this man.

Pinkbonbon · 09/08/2023 14:57

Well certainly stop trying for another baby with him immediately! What on earth are you thinking?

You don't love him anymore (and no wonder!)
Time to go.

Kid wise - You'll actually be thankful for child-free days in time. It'll just take a bit to adapt to.

category12 · 09/08/2023 15:05

It's a control tactic, pure and simple.

Stop TTC number 2 and call his bluff.

You would get used to sharing residency, although it's hard to start with.

And you need to take with a pinch of salt any insistence he'd want 50/50 or whatever, some men threaten that just to keep you in place and never follow through.

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 17:31

Why are you trying to inflict him on another child?

Help him pack and find some respect for yourself.

jeaux90 · 09/08/2023 17:41

It's control strategy. My ex narcissist used to do this all the time.

The real him is the shit person he is. The love bombing etc is to reel you back in.

Call his bluff.

Your live will be a lot more peaceful without him in it

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