Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long to wait? 7 year itch

41 replies

SnapperFish · 08/08/2023 15:45

Name changed for this as my sister is on MN.

I met my DP 7 years ago and we have been together for most of the time since bar a period when we broke up.

For the last 18 months or so I have felt like I would like us to get married and have told him so. He hasn't yet proposed. I see a lot of threads where women say they wouldn't wait more than 2-3 years into a relationship for a proposal and I'm wondering if I'm being taken for a mug.

He says he is saving for a ring and to some extent that is fair (we just bought a house so not much in savings at the minute so i appreciate i need to give him some time) but also I see him spending money on his motorbike, nights out holidays etc so question how much effort he is actually making to save. Based on my expectations of what he is likely to spend on a ring, and his ability to save i think he would only need to save for 3 months to afford it. I have also suggested just booking the registry office and getting it done (for me its about being married not the proposal or wedding) but he says he wants to do it the traditional way with a proposal.

Between now and new year there are plenty of nice occasions to propose - my birthday is close to christmas as is our anniversary, and there is Christmas and new year itself. I am thinking to give him until the new year, that is definitely enough time to save. But what do others think - is that fair? And should I tell him there is a "deadline" or just keep it in my head as my own goalpost?

So as not to drip feed:

  • we broke up for around 18 months midway through the relationship. We got back together around 3 years ago having worked through all our issues. Marriage wasn't really a topic we discussed then as we were only 24!!
  • Our relationship since getting back together has generally been very good and we are both very happy and settled in our relationship
  • we bought our dream house together a few months ago and this completely wiped our savings. Since then things have also been tight as we needed to spend money on the house and garden so haven't been able to save much
  • no children, planning on leaving that til our early thirties and both in agreement on that
  • financially we are fairly evenly balanced, neither of us is subsidising the other. neither would be able to afford our house on our own if we split up
OP posts:
Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 15:46

What is your plan is he hasn’t proposed by then? End things?

Original poster
SnapperFish · 08/08/2023 15:50

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 15:46

What is your plan is he hasn’t proposed by then? End things?

Yes

OP posts:
WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 08/08/2023 15:51

How old are you both now?

Original poster
SnapperFish · 08/08/2023 15:52

WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 08/08/2023 15:51

How old are you both now?

He is 27, I am 28

OP posts:
WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 08/08/2023 15:54

When would you like to be married?
Would you be prepared to sell your dream house and go your separate ways if he doesn’t propose by January?

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 08/08/2023 15:54

Maybe he wants it to be perfect and a complete surprise, he might not feel like he is in the right position to do this at the minute and it wouldn't be how he imagined it.
As for women saying the wouldn't wait more than 2-3 years is ridiculous because everyone's circumstances are different, I think the fact you own a lovely home together shows his commitment in your relationship.
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 and a half years, we both know we will get married one day and I just think he will propose when he is ready, that doesn't change anything about our relationship.
I would relax OP and let him do this at his own pace, I know if it was me and I wanted it to be a complete surprise I wouldn't do it any time soon after the conversation had been brought up.

Original poster
SnapperFish · 08/08/2023 15:56

WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 08/08/2023 15:54

When would you like to be married?
Would you be prepared to sell your dream house and go your separate ways if he doesn’t propose by January?

I am strongly considering it yes. I would like to be married and have children in my early thirties so if its not with my DP I need to be thinking about moving on.

I would like to be having children in my early thirties as my DSis unfortunately experienced fertility issues as has my cousin and I am worried about the same

OP posts:
HopeHopeandmoreHope · 08/08/2023 16:05

As someone who is currently in process of an IVF referral due to fertility issues I don't see how being married changes anything. It sounds like like you are putting too much pressure on the whole situation. Enjoy your relationship and your new home, don't focus so much on the future

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2023 16:06

OP fwiw I think you are being sensible.
If marriage is important to you then don't compromise on this.
I'd just have a gentle conversation with him about future plans.
You dont have to wait for him to make a grand proposal, just talk about how you see your life panning out in an ideal world and see what his feedback is.
If he reckons marriage and kids are something for his mid thirties then you have to consider whether that's going to work for you.

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2023 16:10

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 08/08/2023 16:05

As someone who is currently in process of an IVF referral due to fertility issues I don't see how being married changes anything. It sounds like like you are putting too much pressure on the whole situation. Enjoy your relationship and your new home, don't focus so much on the future

Being married gives you legal protection.

WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 08/08/2023 16:14

I would concentrate on telling him you want to be married by 30
(or whenever) , you’d like at least a year long engagement and then start a family a couple of years later and check you are both definitely on the same page. He can do the maths, if no proposal is forthcoming during the next 12 months then end it.

catsnhats11 · 08/08/2023 16:15

If you are serious about ending things, it would have been better to set the proposal deadline before you bought the house...? Splitting and selling is costly and time consuming!

New year sounds reasonable thought if marriage is important to you - which is fair enough (a ring doesn't need to be expensive though...and if he has money for a motorbike..)

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 08/08/2023 16:16

@GrimDamnFanjo I'm not saying they are never going to be married, if they have had the conversation and her partner has said he is saving for a ring he has obviously thinking about it. I don't understand why someone would put a time limit on it, OP mentioned she would like a baby in her early thirties which would give them 3+ years so why put pressure on her partner at this point?

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2023 16:17

My husband needed to know whether we were on the same page so asked me whether I saw us having a marriage and family in the near future, I agreed, and that was it.
I didn't care about saving up for the ring or the landmark proposal date, just that we were both happy with what we wanted from each other.

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 16:21

SnapperFish · 08/08/2023 15:50

Yes

Show quote history

Wouldn’t it have been better to make that decision before buying a property? Prices expected to drop in next few years so selling might so soon might lose you money

splitin3 · 08/08/2023 16:21

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 08/08/2023 16:05

As someone who is currently in process of an IVF referral due to fertility issues I don't see how being married changes anything. It sounds like like you are putting too much pressure on the whole situation. Enjoy your relationship and your new home, don't focus so much on the future

Then you don't understand that marriage is a legal contract that comes with many obligations.. which are 'usually' a detriment to a man - but ones he is eager to forgo if he truly wants to be married.... for example... will he pay your pension contributions whilst you are on unpaid mat leave ? Amongst many many others ..see multiple threads on 'marriage - is it worth it ' on here and how women are screwed if they aren't ..

Rockyroad101 · 08/08/2023 16:22

If you truly want marriage, and he says he does, and by Xmas he should have enough saved from what you say, you will have to question why he isn’t asking you. Is he himself ready? If he bought a house with you, he clearly sees a long term future with you. Maybe marriage isn’t as high up on his list of priorities. I remember before I got engaged I was itching to get married, I had thought that because I was 29, i needed to be married by 30. I’m married now and I’m 33, and to be honest, there wouldn’t have been much harm in waiting a small bit longer I suppose: I think we do put an awful lot of pressure on ourselves sometimes. Wait until Xmas, he knows you really want to get married, so he might surprise you with a ring!

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2023 16:23

@HopeHopeandmoreHope apologies - it read as though you didn't see why they should be married!
I've been on the infertility journey my self, wishing you the best.

At the end of the day only you know whether he is sincere or not.
There's loads of threads on Mumsnet where women are strung along by a partner who never wanted marriage and who doesn't let them know until fertility time starts running out.
We're just a load of internet fandoms who won't agree 100% with each other!

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2023 16:24

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2023 16:23

@HopeHopeandmoreHope apologies - it read as though you didn't see why they should be married!
I've been on the infertility journey my self, wishing you the best.

At the end of the day only you know whether he is sincere or not.
There's loads of threads on Mumsnet where women are strung along by a partner who never wanted marriage and who doesn't let them know until fertility time starts running out.
We're just a load of internet fandoms who won't agree 100% with each other!

Randoms ffs!

GoldenSpangles · 08/08/2023 16:27

My time line was about a year - you can't devote years and years to a man who is not going to step up. Let says that you have 3 four year year relationships - that means 12 precious years are gone. Those eggs don't keep fresh forever. I realise that this is a wildly unpopular view on Mumsnet but I have been happily married for 30 years to the same man who I got engaged to after a year. Obviously, I am thinking of mid twenties and up type people as that sort of timeline would be too short if you were say 21.

After seven years, I think you are sensible to be planning to be married and having children in your early thirties and if he is not going to be marry you then you do need to be thinking about moving on. Mumsnet is full of women with shrivelling eggs being strung along for years by men who have no intention of marrying them and with precious little time to find another potential father or husband. I think a wedding date should be set shortly after you get engaged as well rather than some open ended agreement to get married at some unknown day in the future which might never come to pass.

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 08/08/2023 16:28

@splitin3 as I said in my previous message, OPs boyfriend has said he is saving for a ring so he obviously wants marriage. In my option putting the pressure on when he should propose could push him further from doing it, he may have have thought about how he wanted to propose for a while and feels like the more pressure is put on him he may have to rush the less perfect it would be. If OP is sure this is the person she will one day marry she should enjoy her relationship instead worrying about a timeline

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 08/08/2023 16:29

Given that he’s said he wants to do it traditionally, I assume you’ve had the timeline talk. When I felt that DH was dragging his feet I told him I would propose at some point in the future, if he didn’t propose first. I wasn’t going to wait around for him to make decisions on behalf of both of us. If we got to me proposing, he was obviously able to say no but he’d need a valid reason and a plan on addressing that reason or the relationship was over. So tell him that you’d like to be married before you’re 30 and so you’ll be proposing at some point in the next year. If he wants to propose, he needs to do it before you.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 08/08/2023 16:31

Saving up for a ring? How much do you expect a ring to cost?
You can get a classic solitaire diamond ring for £200

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 08/08/2023 16:33

GrimDamnFanjo · 08/08/2023 16:23

@HopeHopeandmoreHope apologies - it read as though you didn't see why they should be married!
I've been on the infertility journey my self, wishing you the best.

At the end of the day only you know whether he is sincere or not.
There's loads of threads on Mumsnet where women are strung along by a partner who never wanted marriage and who doesn't let them know until fertility time starts running out.
We're just a load of internet fandoms who won't agree 100% with each other!

Thank you x

Original poster
SnapperFish · 08/08/2023 16:38

Thanks for all your opinions, I really appreciate the different perspectives.

To answer some of the Qs

  • we did talk about it before buying the house, I said I wanted to be married before 30 and he was on board with that. Given I'm 29 this year it looks very unlikely that timeline would be met
  • I dont need or expect an expensive ring, I've told him that
  • to those of you saying to relax, we have time before early thirties which is when I want kids...yes thats buckets of time if all goes well with DP but if I find out he's stringing me along and we separate it's not much time to get over the relationship and meet someone new to start a new life with

What I am really worried about is him stringing me along. Not just on MN but also IRL I see and hear of men making false promises all the time.... I do trust my DP but so do a lot of these women who then get screwed over and waste their best fertile yrs

OP posts: