How long to wait? 7 year itch

[SnapperFish]

Name changed for this as my sister is on MN.

I met my DP 7 years ago and we have been together for most of the time since bar a period when we broke up.

For the last 18 months or so I have felt like I would like us to get married and have told him so. He hasn't yet proposed. I see a lot of threads where women say they wouldn't wait more than 2-3 years into a relationship for a proposal and I'm wondering if I'm being taken for a mug.

He says he is saving for a ring and to some extent that is fair (we just bought a house so not much in savings at the minute so i appreciate i need to give him some time) but also I see him spending money on his motorbike, nights out holidays etc so question how much effort he is actually making to save. Based on my expectations of what he is likely to spend on a ring, and his ability to save i think he would only need to save for 3 months to afford it. I have also suggested just booking the registry office and getting it done (for me its about being married not the proposal or wedding) but he says he wants to do it the traditional way with a proposal.

Between now and new year there are plenty of nice occasions to propose - my birthday is close to christmas as is our anniversary, and there is Christmas and new year itself. I am thinking to give him until the new year, that is definitely enough time to save. But what do others think - is that fair? And should I tell him there is a "deadline" or just keep it in my head as my own goalpost?

So as not to drip feed:

• we broke up for around 18 months midway through the relationship. We got back together around 3 years ago having worked through all our issues. Marriage wasn't really a topic we discussed then as we were only 24!!
• Our relationship since getting back together has generally been very good and we are both very happy and settled in our relationship
• we bought our dream house together a few months ago and this completely wiped our savings. Since then things have also been tight as we needed to spend money on the house and garden so haven't been able to save much
• no children, planning on leaving that til our early thirties and both in agreement on that
• financially we are fairly evenly balanced, neither of us is subsidising the other. neither would be able to afford our house on our own if we split up

Nothing wrong with a very expensive ring - I told my husband he was getting a bargain as I would be wearing it for decades to come. It would have been a very hopeful man who rocked up to me with a £200 diamond solitaire. You probably wouldn't even get 18 carat gold at that and the diamond would be very small.

I think you are very wise. You're exactly right that many men string women along, even the loveliest ones - my own dad did the same apparently! My Mum gave him an ultimatum and left him at 35, then they got straight back together then had 3 kids, and are still together now in their 80's...!

What I don't understand is the need to wait for a man to propose. It's so archaic and fucked up! If this is important to you, talk to him directly. Be utterly transparent. Now is his chance, or you will find someone who's life plan is compatible with yours.

Personally, I knew my boyfriend was keen on marriage, so aged 30 I said to him I'd been thinking it would be a good idea too, and from that moment we decided. No wanky proposal needed 😆We went into town to choose a ring together from our joint budget. We cracked on straight away with the wedding planning and got married in a very DIY, fun wedding 10 months later. We're now married ten years with 2 dc. Life is good.

Feminism doesn't really appear to have caught up with this, it's so weird. Please take control of your life; you're in the driving seat! If you decide together not to get married until you're 30 or whatever, then cool, but at least you'll know for sure, rather than all this guessing....

Warning @SnapperFish , I am not optimistic for your chances. Very Sorry to rain on your parade.
You have been lovers and friends for a while. He says he wants what you want.
He says he wants to do Marriage the "Right Way". First a ring then etc etc.
On the other hand he spends extra money on holidays, nights out with mates and his motorbike.
What do you get? Nights out? extra special clothes? Do you have a car?
After seeing men in my family with Sports cars and competition bikes.
I doubt you are really top of the list of priorities.
It is very sensible to set a target date for the situation to change. You recognise the chance of him deciding to string you along. He likes his home comforts.
ps How much could he sell the bike for? Would that money make a difference to your lifestyle? Enable things to change faster?

I dont depend on him to buy me things (and never have). I earn well and am able to support a nice lifestyle for myself, even if things have been temporarily tighter because the house purchase wiped us out (and then the roof went..another story...)

I'm also not very domestically oriented so he doesn't really get any home comforts from me... I'm certainly not giving him any wife benefits!!

Couldn't agree with this post more! I also think the whole idea of a proposal and waiting around is very outdated. The traditional views are on his side !!

This. 👆👆
Your relationship has a lot going for it. His lack of urgency isn't a red flag imo, it's not uncommon to feel the way you do in your late 20's (him or you).
Your history and situation are not dissimilar to mine and dh's, we married in our early 30's after 7 years together (inc. break partway), and now have two kids, dream home, and have been married 14 years. Very happy.

But you do have reasons for wanting him to make that commitment, so it's fine to put that in the frame. You don't want him to marry you if he doesn't feel he wants to, but if it's just a timeframe thing then your wishes are equally important.

One thing to consider is that although you met 7 years ago, you were also separated for 18 months part way through that. Which means you haven’t been “waiting” 7 years, you’ve only been back together for 3 and 18 months is not a quick break either, that’s a substantial amount of time to have been broken up. By the timelines you mentioned (apologies if I have misunderstood them) it sounds like you’ve now been back together for around the same amount of time you were originally together before the break up. Maybe he is waiting to see if you can get past that amount of time together again, happily, before proposing to you.

I have a friend who had almost an identical relationship, they would be happy for 2/3 years, then break up for anywhere between 6 months to 2 years at its longest, then back together happily thinking all issues resolved for another 2/3 years, and then another break up. Some couples just can’t “last” long long term without breaks, and maybe he’s just making sure you are a couple who he thinks can go a lifetime without breaking up again before he proposes.

In my friend’s instance after 2 of those breaks, after being happily back together for 2 years he proposed, and a year later they split. They never made their way back to each other that time as both felt that after calling off an engagement (which felt like a bigger end than just “breaking up”) they simply couldn’t go back to each other.

Why is having a conversation about this so hard?

Sit him down, tell him you want to be engaged by X date, married 2 years later. That it's fine if he's not on board, but that means that you'll have to end the relationship, as these things are important to you.

I don't get why that's a difficult conversation for you?

We have had the conversation, he says he is on board he just needs to save up. What I am questioning here is whether he is stalling / not actually committed (and how long I should hang around to find out)

Hence giving him the date it needs to happen by. If the ring is the problem, say the ring doesn't matter. But make it very clear that if it doesn't happen by that date, you're gone.

It's 2023, women need to stop being so bloody passive about what they want.

You may have a point there!!
And he is an overthinker, takes ages to make big decisions which would also support this being the case...

27 is still very young to get married in IMO.

I didn't get married until I was 32.

I think you are being quite unreasonable to be honest.

You yourself have admitted that finances have been a little tight and that savings have been wiped out due to a great house purchase.

Maybe he fancies a little financial freedom in the short term to mentally relax a little after what just have been quite an extensive time sacrificing financially to get the house.

From a man’s perspective, while it’s great to be married, the proposal and engagement really is about the woman. Men have to save to purchase a ring, then you will have the joint pressure of paying for a wedding itself.

So he’s maybe just taking a little breathing room before knowing he has quite a financial strain incoming as a result. The same with kids, they change your personal finances so much he is maybe seeing a small window of opportunity for some last financial freedoms while still young.

If he wants a little financial freedom for a little while that is equally as valid as your desire to get married. Neither of you are right or wrong here, just maybe a little different in your current outlook.

We got married after 10 years, I was 30. I wouldn’t have minded if we didn’t, I would want to be with him anyway.

You are in all your rights to want to get married, better protection for you when you have kids and go on maternity leave. I'd give him an ultimatum.

You can't keep wasting your time and fertility, there's no assurances that he ever will get married.

If he already committed to buying a house together, marriage commitment should be easy. 7 years is a long time dating (even with the break).

Good luck!

27 is very young. I’m 30 (DP is 29) and we only have one married couple friend. Everyone has is still travelling etc