I'm becoming a jealous wreck

[Drowningincokezero]

Hi, this is my first post after years of reading others' and gleaning many gems of advice that I've been able to apply to my own life. This time though, I need to let you know my specifics and get an opinion on this exact situation, please.
I'm in a long distance relationship, we see each other about every 4-6 weeks for a week at a time. I moved away while we were just friends but have started a romantic relationship after keeping in touch and realising our feelings for each other. We talk multiple times a day, on every level. I've never known anyone as emotionally intelligent as him and I'm able to tell him anything and feel heard and considered. I've just left a long term relationship where everything was very safe, to the point of boring - there were few emotional highs or lows in that person. So I'm wary that I may actually be quite stunted in my emotional development after being with that person for all my adult life. I'm nearly 50 but have had very little experience in keeping emotions, such as jealousy, in check. I am however, aware of how destructive it can be.
So to my issue. He's mid 50s and during the working day he regularly needs to contact the office and sometimes attend in person. He's told me openly about the woman he contacts, 20 years my junior, and how they enjoy their banter. I get the impression that it's never inappropriate or with any sexual references but he obviously has a big soft spot for her. He says he sees himself as a brotherly / uncle figure to her. The trouble is, he has told me that she has opened up to him about her mental health and that he has said its OK if she wants to call him outside of work if she needs someone to talk to. So far she hasn't, although this has been a recent offer so I can't say that she won't one day. We were together at the weekend and she did text him to see if he was having a good time, so the contact is slowly creeping outside of the working day already. I've told him that it makes me wary, that it has the potential to cross over into emotional support territory and that may be too much for my liking. I can already feel my hackles going up and am having intrusive thoughts about where this may lead. Please, how do I frame this in my mind without going off at the deep end, and what would be an acceptable way of handling it when it comes to how I talk to him about it? I have broached it with him briefly, and he was sad that it meant that I didn't trust him. I do trust him for now, but where does the line of the potential emotional affair lie? This is doing my head in. Would it be controlling to ask him to keep it professional chat only? Because of my, as it is at the moment, paranoia? Thanks for reading x

If I was asked to do this by my husband (parent if not married) I would find it controlling so no I would not ask it of others

Others posters may dress it up and him needing to understanding your anxiety or anyway they like but yes to me this is something you need to deal with and address and not put it onto anyone else

As the modern use of 'red flag' would be raised if I was asked about this in real life

*meant to say (partner if not married)

Morning, didn’t want to read and run. Bit of a tricky one. He’s right in that you should trust him but I’ve been in your position and that ‘paranoia’ is a feeling that is very hard to put away. Your senses will automatically be heightened when this woman’s name is mentioned. In my case, my feelings of paranoia towards my DP/relationship were just that… paranoid. He always made me feel so secure and reassured me and I’ve worked really really hard with a counsellor to see how destructive my behaviour once was. Now I am absolutely fine.

However… messaging a co-worker out of hours to ask ‘are you having a good time?’ in my opinion.. is inappropriate. It sounds like your DP has given her a hand hold for her MH (which suggests he is a decent person) and she is taking that as a signal to message him about other things.

I wouldn’t mention anything else yet but I would certainly wait and see how this evolves. If she messages again unrelating to her MH, I would take that opportunity to talk it through with him. If he values your relationship, he will put your MH before hers. Because the deterioration of this will start to affect your MH.

Maybe I'm out of touch but when I was a young woman I would not have latched on to an older bloke at work for emotional support.

Does she not have female friends or older women at work?

I would be suspicious of her motives, and his or both.

I also think a lot of men don't like the drama and histrionics of women and wouldn't particularly offer their ear unless their was some physical attraction.

Thank you both. I really do feel the need to work on myself with this rather than take it to his door... His reassurances are plenty but if they're not having the effect of qualming my thoughts then he'll get tired pretty quickly of going round in the same circle. I think i will try and access some counselling as you did @BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica . I'm sure these feelings of insecurity stem from childhood somewhere and this relationship is too good to ruin, but at the same time won't be fixed by ignoring my emotions. Thanks

@Busubaba this is exactly what I don't like about the situation. Although she is the only female in an otherwise all-male environment, she is attractive and I can just sense that he does get a buzz from her attention.

OP, best of luck to you. You 100% cannot ignore your emotions. I did and boy oh boy, did I pay for that. One day my brain just said ‘Enough, I need to get all this into the open’ it wasn’t healthy at all. My MH was a mess, not to mention the emotional turmoil I put DP through. I might suggest reading a book called ‘the mountain is you’. It’s about self-sabotage and there’s a good few chapters about insecurity and paranoia. It really helped.

Thanks @BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica I'll definitely start there, I'll order it today. Thanks for taking the time for me today, it's very much appreciated

My opinion only, but if you ask him to only have professional contact due to your own paranoia/jealousy, that's just as much likely to ruin your relationship as he's going to feel controlled. He would likely carry on anyway but just not tell you, it would be very easy to hide.

When I've had the horrible jealous feelings in the past, the only thing which has worked for me is to think about what my jealousy is achieving, is it going to stop me being cheated on? Nope. So all o was doing was worrying about something that I had 0 control over. There is nothing you can do if someone wants to cheat, they will.

I'd let it continue for now whilst he's still talking to you about it, if it goes silent without reason, that's when I'd be inclined to ask "what happened with XX, is she still confiding in you"

Good point well made

@leopard22 thanks, that makes a lot of sense. Funny, this is the level headed approach I take to the rest if my life - I try to only worry about what I have control over. This, I think, is why it's disturbing me as the thoughts are definitely intrusive and of their own accord! What you have said resonated and I'll try to conciously apply it to my thinking.

I think you may not be quite ready for dating again yet after just leaving a long term relationship that sounded damaging.

This relationship doesn't sound right for you either, whether it's the long distance causing a lack of trust, or that he's not reliable, or that it's something else. I don't think it should be this miserable for you.

@bluecorn I definitely feel that the long distance aspect is a negative and is unhelpful in this situation. Plans are to change this and for him to move closer, although it won't be for some time yet. If I can work through this then I feel that this is the best relationship I've ever had, our communication is amazing. But it will have it's limits if I continue to push a point he can do nothing about.

How long was the gap between your LTR and this relationship?

@CobraKaiNeverLoses not very long at all, around 4 months. Although I had firmly checked out from my LTR around 3 years before I pulled the plug. It was a case of trying for the children (now 12 and 8), but my heart had hardened and I was flogging a dead horse. I've felt single and like I'd packed away my feelings for a long time. Now I am feeling bloomin everything!

@Drowningincokezero I know it's easier said than done.

I let them kind of thoughts rule one of my relationships and he cheated anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe I pushed him to it or maybe it would have happened anyway but it just made me realise all the stress and worry I'd had didn't stop the outcome and I was hurt anyway!

I get on well the men 20 years my senior at work and it's absolutely nothing from either side, I can imagine some of them being sympathetic enough for a listening ear if I needed it but would absolutely be creeped out at the thought of it being anything more! I know this isn't true in every situation but it definitely is in some.

I hope you manage to work things through.

I don't think you're unreasonable for being worried about a much younger co-worker and him developing some sort of relationship.

It does sound potentially dodgy? As a pp said, he's unlikely to be interested in drama unless something in it for him.

What you can't do is control him. Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them.

This is just my opinion and my own personal experience. I once had a boyfriend ( now husband) who one day got a message from a woman outside of working hours, it continued, and to make a long story short, he had to block her eventually as she clearly fancied him. Could this be a wait and see type scenario? The contact creeping in outside of work is sort of alarming, I understand how you feel as someone who was on the wrong end of this type of behavior and actually did have a bad experience with it. I think it’s no harm to sit him down and really relay your fears, and maybe tell him what to look for so that he can see when things start to go from friendship to possibly more. Sometimes men don’t read the signs that are staring them in the face, or so is my experience. Is a long distance relationship right for you? Does this maybe stem from not seeing him enough, and wondering how he’s filling his days and nights when you are not around for so long? What it comes down to is how much he really likes you and is invested in you. No woman or man can disrupt a relationship that Is strong and solid. Wishing you all the best x

Why is it never a woman 20 years older or indeed a man that is the other half of these things? Your hackles are up because you instinctively know that he is interested in her / she in him. Never ignore your gut. However, the question is what you do about it. As you are in a relationship I think it's reasonable to raise it as a discussion about expectations. How would he feel about you doing something similar with a hottie from the office? I don't think you can demand he does anything, but you can expect a discussion where he explains what this means to him and what he thinks the boundaries are in a relationship. It is completely reasonable that you don't fully trust him. Trust has to be earned over time and it is disrepectful of him to demand it from you when his behaviour is challenging it. This whole thing will be turning point in your relationship. If he doesn't see it as a problem, and you do, you will need to find someone who won't do this.

Some good points raised to think on. When we did speak about it he was adamant that there is nothing in it, and his words and actions do indeed point to me being the centre of his world @Rockyroad101 . He's asked that I take note of his actions and use this evidence to shore up my faith in him. Our contact is so regular and thorough that as yet I haven't had any reason to think he's out and about in places he's not telling me about when we're not together. However @Captainfairylights youre on to something...he regularly uses the fact that he's a 'bloke' to expain his lack of interest in other people's lives, except when it's the life of an attractive young woman?! I'm torn between watching and waiting, or bringing it up with him now.

Sounds like he’s blurring the boundaries

and that rather than being a jealous wreck you are reacting quite naturallly

men don’t usually care about womens mental health problems ! Let’s be honest

its just how to communicate this cleanly and assertively , god knows

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes, and without sounding like I am trying to control him, or am obsessing and keep bringing it up. I feel like I've approached him once already and as far as he is concerned he's addressed my fears by telling me there's nothing to worry about. Going over it again will lead to bigger issues I fear, putting the emphasis back on me not being able to accept his word. I don't know. He reads me so easily, he'll know that there's something eating at me and so maybe I can think of a way to just quantify my boundaries, without making demands as such.
And then I start thinking about the work's Christmas do to come and my head starts spinning.

One way you could turn this is , what if it was you ?
what if you were getting overly friendly with a young man at work
what if he was jealous ?
ehat if you were always mentioning Bob

what could he do or say that would make you say ‘hang about , he has a point - this is a bit off ‘?

would you rather dial back the friendship and keep him ?
or lose him ?

I don't think its controlling to ask anything of the other person in a relationship. If you're not happy with an aspect of behaviour you're entirely within your rights to ask for the person to stop. Obviously they are equally entitled to refuse. You then get to decide if their refusal means you no longer want to be in the relationship.
Provided you're not using some sort of inappropriate leverage to get them to comply, it isn't control.
Unfortunately of late there is a trend to use accusations of being controlling to coerce women into accepting things their partners do that make them uncomfortable.
You don't need to smile passively while your partner develops his friendship with this young woman and wait with your fingers crossed to see if it crosses a line. You are fully entitled to tell him this sort of friendship is not something you want in your relationship.