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Original poster

GF objects to ex seeing my family

57 replies

lostsoul88 · 07/08/2023 23:31

I recently went to an event for my niece (she was in a local play) (sisters daughter), unknown to me my sister invited my ex wife. Not a problem for me I said hi etc and that was pretty much it.

However my wife then posted it on Facebook and my new partner saw it and had a blazing row with me. I explained it’s nothing to do with me if my sister wants to invite her. I certainly didn’t go with her or even expect her to be there.

how is this my fault? Am I wrong to dismiss my new partners fears? She’s now saying I owe her a massive apology etc etc.

She’s also said my sister was out of order for including her. I don’t see why my ex should be isolated from my family she has known for 25 years even though we don’t really speak much.

OP posts:
Yankeescot · 08/08/2023 00:52

Did you invite your GF to go along to the play? If not, I could see that she may be upset that she's excluded yet your ex-wife tags she was with you at Niece's play. And you didn't mention it.

Yankeescot · 08/08/2023 00:53

Forgot to say that I imagine the photo tag was on your SM page?

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/08/2023 00:54

Yankeescot · 08/08/2023 00:52

Did you invite your GF to go along to the play? If not, I could see that she may be upset that she's excluded yet your ex-wife tags she was with you at Niece's play. And you didn't mention it.

OP 's sister was doing the inviting, it was her daughter in an event.

Yankeescot · 08/08/2023 00:57

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/08/2023 00:54

OP 's sister was doing the inviting, it was her daughter in an event.

Show quote history

I understand that in regards to the ExW. That doesn't mean he can't invite his girlfriend along to see his Niece in the play.

SheRaaaaa · 08/08/2023 01:03

Fuck her off and find someone with some maturity.

NewNameNigel · 08/08/2023 01:10

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/08/2023 00:16

And having a "blazing row" and demanding an apology for something over which OP had no control is the way to harmony?

Show quote history

If it was a "blazing row" then both people behaved badly . One person can't make a blazing row on their own. I can see how things might escalated if one person dismissed the other.

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/08/2023 01:14

Yankeescot · 08/08/2023 00:57

I understand that in regards to the ExW. That doesn't mean he can't invite his girlfriend along to see his Niece in the play.

Show quote history

I think that rather depends on the age of the niece, her acting ability and her part in the play. A 10yo in a school play as third (non speaking) palm tree, no, of course you wouldn't invite a new gf, if only because she might feel socially obligated to attend and be bored off her tits. A woman in her early 20's, having graduated drama school and putting on her first gig in a lead role at the Edinburgh Fringe would be totally different.

So what was the play, and the circumstances, OP?

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/08/2023 01:21

NewNameNigel · 08/08/2023 01:10

If it was a "blazing row" then both people behaved badly . One person can't make a blazing row on their own. I can see how things might escalated if one person dismissed the other.

Show quote history

One person can certainly instigate a blazing row. And keep pushing it, even when the other person tried to de-escalate. I might get fucked off about that, and snarl back.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/08/2023 02:51

So 7 months in, she sees her ex several times a week and she is kicking off because of ONE event you attended that your ex wife happened to be at too, without your knowledge.

This one will get bad REALLY quick.

The fact that you even have her number still in your phone will be a problem.
The fact that your parents still invite her over will be a problem.
The fact that your sister is friends with her will be a problem.

I bet the words "Its totally disrespectful of me and our relationship!!!!!" were shrieked.

Namechange666 · 08/08/2023 03:49

Wow so she sees her ex several times a week (yes for kids but still) what a massive hypocrite.

Get rid. She's absolutely ridiculous.

TakeNoNoticeoftheNoise · 08/08/2023 08:12

The MN demographic means you'll get a lot of exes' opinions which will support your point of view but not necessarily show a fair argument. The girlfriend may feel exclusion or discomfort at you being around your ex - it doesn't make her an ogre or controlling - just sensitive to a new relationship. You should have been honest. It doesn't show any loyalty to your girlfriend to be found out via SM that you've spent time with your ex. The fact it was unplanned and 'nothing happened' is besides the point.

Mensuckbigtime · 08/08/2023 08:20

Wow, if people get dumped that easily...

I can understand your gf, she feels insecure.

She obviously can't dictate whether or not your ex us invited to family gatherings...

Surely, before you just dump her, you can have another chat?!

If this is a reason to just get rid of someone, then you might end up being alone.

If she continues to be jealous etc, that's another thing.

But one argument that hopefully can be sorted.

Good luck

LostSocksBrigade · 08/08/2023 08:41

I feel like a simple "My sister invited my ex wife, not ideal but at least we're not obligated to chat" text would have fixed this. You knew before you got there, reasonably knew since it's an event it would end up online. Seeing it in a photo was a bound to be a surprise. I do agree with the other posters that there seems to be a bit of control going on, but it's coming from insecurity and not maliciousness. You're aware of her ex being in her life and aware of the things they do, she probably overreacted through being surprised yours was there. It's not the same. It's okay to give a bit of reassurance and listen without agreeing on something. Her expecting an apology is unreasonable, but I think your communication could have been better and disregarding someone's feelings is going to kill your relationship. Generally feelings are hardly ever reasonable, it's why we listen and support our partners. It's also a good time to set your own healthy boundaries about these things because this is just something that hasn't come up before, it's a newish relationship. Just be adults and listen to each other.

Hiddenvoice · 08/08/2023 08:47

She sounds very controlling. Your ex was a part of your family for a while, it was also her niece and I think it was nice of your sister to include her. I understand your gf getting upset if you had hidden it from her but the fact you didn’t know is different. It does seem very odd that she’s got so upset when she herself sees her ex regularly.

You need to talk it through with her, explain that your ex is an ex for a reason but she was part of your family for a long time so may still be part of it. She needs to accept that and move on or if she can’t then end the relationship.

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 08:58

Well it’s certainly very hypocritical of her if she’s seeing her ex several times per week. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who acted like that, so it would be the end for me

perfectcolourfound · 08/08/2023 09:31

Her double standards are shocking.

So she thinks it's OK for her to go for a coffee fairly regularly with her ex, but you should apologise even if you bump in to your ex once in 7 months?

How does she explain her double standards? Why does she think she can be sociable with her ex but you shouldn't so much as breath the same air as yours? If she thinks that bumping in your ex is a danger to your relationship, why is she still going out with her ex?

I would wonder if she still has feelings for her ex in some way, as she seems to be projecting something on to you that's in her head.

katmarie · 08/08/2023 09:37
run away monty python GIF

Run, run away. No good will come of this one.

gannett · 08/08/2023 10:35

LostSocksBrigade · 08/08/2023 08:41

I feel like a simple "My sister invited my ex wife, not ideal but at least we're not obligated to chat" text would have fixed this. You knew before you got there, reasonably knew since it's an event it would end up online. Seeing it in a photo was a bound to be a surprise. I do agree with the other posters that there seems to be a bit of control going on, but it's coming from insecurity and not maliciousness. You're aware of her ex being in her life and aware of the things they do, she probably overreacted through being surprised yours was there. It's not the same. It's okay to give a bit of reassurance and listen without agreeing on something. Her expecting an apology is unreasonable, but I think your communication could have been better and disregarding someone's feelings is going to kill your relationship. Generally feelings are hardly ever reasonable, it's why we listen and support our partners. It's also a good time to set your own healthy boundaries about these things because this is just something that hasn't come up before, it's a newish relationship. Just be adults and listen to each other.

I disagree that there was any obligation for the OP to communicate anything. If I go to a party or event by myself I shouldn't feel obligated to give my partner, whether new or long-term, a rundown of who's there in case he feels insecure.

And it doesn't matter whether it's insecurity or malice. Both are red flags in new relationships. It's probably even more important to be aware that the former is toxic. If someone's acting maliciously I hope most people would have the sense to run far and fast but when someone blames their controlling behaviour on "insecurity" they tend to get forgiven again and again until their partner is in too deep to extricate themselves neatly.

Pablothepalm · 11/08/2023 08:06

TakeNoNoticeoftheNoise · 08/08/2023 08:12

The MN demographic means you'll get a lot of exes' opinions which will support your point of view but not necessarily show a fair argument. The girlfriend may feel exclusion or discomfort at you being around your ex - it doesn't make her an ogre or controlling - just sensitive to a new relationship. You should have been honest. It doesn't show any loyalty to your girlfriend to be found out via SM that you've spent time with your ex. The fact it was unplanned and 'nothing happened' is besides the point.

This.

Also: in your first post you referred to your ex wife as WIFE.

Whilst the GF seems insecure she probably feels unsure of your relationship with your ex who you addressed as wife and there is a closeness with your family that she is worried about (regarding your ex). That closeness is understandable due to the time spent together but I think it was a bit shit stirring of your ex to tag you in a post. Did she want to run this event in your GF’s face? The social media post including a tag of you seems needless and possibly only done knowing it would cause a row. Why didn’t you invite your GF along?

billy1966 · 11/08/2023 08:11

Dump her and don't give it a second thought.

She's a nasty, controlling, headcase.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 11/08/2023 08:14

GF needs to wind her neck in.

Im going to visit my 92 year old ex MIL today. Her son and I divorced 30 years ago. He and his partner are grateful to me for visiting

WilkinsonM · 11/08/2023 08:15

Think very carefully about whether you want to be in a relationship with such a controlling person.

WinterWitchy · 11/08/2023 08:18

There's no way I’d be explaining or justifying why my ex was invited to something by my sister. Good God the woman has been in their lives for 25 years and has every right to attend, she clearly has a close relationship with your niece that she was invited along. Your over anxious, insecure, bunny boiler of a girlfriend needs a reality check and I wouldn’t tolerate anyone in my life who starts blazing rows over something so insignificant. My DH goes to school shows, parents evenings etc with his ex wife. My ex husband is often at things I attend. It’s called being an adult. I wonder how she’d react if you started kicking off about her relationship with her ex? 🙄

Yetisrus29 · 11/08/2023 08:20

I see it this way, your neice is still your ex wife's neice. It seems like you have that kind of relationship with your neice so it's understandable that your ex is still close to her.

I never had a close relationship with my nephews and in fact they were never called my nephews just my ex's.

The new gf needs to stop or you need someone less controlling and jealous

TheAverageJoanne · 11/08/2023 08:28

To those of you saying controlling, massive twat, needs to wind her neck in ... I've been there. I was none of those things but I was horrendously insecure from a terrible childhood and bad experience with previous boyfriends. But my ex and his family didn't know that.

My now ex's ex was a friend of his sister and his mother was very fond of her. Slightly differently to the op I had her rammed down my throat at every opportunity by his mother and to a lesser extent his sister. I saw red and acted like the girlfriend in this post. My ex didn't handle it well because he was a mummy's boy but if he had, things might have been different.

It's usually (but not always) insecurities rather than control or abuse that prompts people to act like that so have a sensible conversation about it and if she can't change then it's time to think again.

As a postscript to this story the ex turned out to be a massive twat himself and his ex became a good friend and we had fun congratulating ourselves he was an ex to us both! She's happily married with three kids now.