Unhinged mother in law - help!

[Whisperingangel1]

DH is staying with MIL & our 2 toddlers for 2 weeks - we live abroad. I'm away with work but joining them at the end of the week for 1 week. I video called the day after DH arrived so I could see the kids. MIL took the phone off him & started bellowing "I'm sorry to say but the kids don't miss you at all, not one bit, they don't need you, they've not cried at all" then my daughter started crying and MIL says "see that's what you do to them" to which I responded that's a really unkind thing to say, I don't know why you think that's acceptable to say that to someone". I hung up. Messaged by husband furious that he didn't defend me (he was in the room) and then messaged MIL telling her that her if she didn't have anything nice to say she shouldnt say anything at all, that her behaviour was unkind and needed to stop immediately and asked her why she had a problem with me. She replied and said she was sorry if she upset me, that wasn't her intention, she thought I'd appreciate knowing my kids didn't miss me & she'd never had a problem with me. So I replied I wasn't an idiot and I could tell by her tone (bellowing) and what she said that it was deliberately intended to be hurtful. This is the 3rd time she has done this when I've been away. Last time she said the "kids only need their daddy". To add she tends to say these things after a few glasses of wine (drinks every night - suspect she has a problem) & her inner wine troll comes out. What's more when DH first arrived at MIL she had covid but hadn't told him incase he cancelled which I thought was completely selfish and irresponsible but she can't see that because she can only think of herself. Then she cried. She cries every time I see her, it's draining - there's clearly a mental health problem that's not been addressed. There is a lot of back story & past of examples of similar behaviour but I'm keeping it brief. I'm wondering how best to tackle this when I go to stay with them this week. I'm thinking I just tell her we need to talk and with the support of my DH set some boundaries of what behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable & if she can't behave for the remainder of the stay I'll be leaving early with the kids. Also angry at DH for not growing a pair of balls.

I’m not sure I would still be going, you’re obviously a better person than me. I think it’s a conversation your DH needs to have with DM. He needs to set out that basic respect is an absolute necessity.
If I was you I would be suggesting a hotel or cottage or villa or something so you can escape from this behaviour, which I suspect won’t stop.
I wonder if she’s got an issue with you having a career and not being the traditional SAHM. Clearly she has an underlying issue with you.

That's nuts. I think your suggested approach is reasonable given the circumstance. Your husband needs to be on the same page here that her behaviour is unacceptable.

@Whisperingangel1 you have a DH problem more than a crazy MiL one. He is the spineless momma's boy sooking at her teats letter her do what she wants.

I'd go and collect the kids and take them home. F*ck your MiL and your DH.

YOU are the one with the power. Those are YOUR kids so go get them and make her grovel before she gets to see them again.

Then kick your witless DH in his nutsack and tell him he is either with you or he's your ex.

Your kids should not be in the same house as a raving alcoholic

She made your kid cry on the phone to you and will be doing worse when you can’t see. She is emotionally abusing your kids. I’d be betting my kids today if I could or telling dh to leave

My mil is like this. Tbh I just set boundaries and hope she can kind of stick to them. She can’t. In the end she’s the kids grandma and dh’s mum. Last time she had one of my kids, very very rare occurrence, she refused to let me say good night to him on the phone and lied he was already asleep. Because she said he didn’t miss me. Good for you for being so boundaried. It’s bloody hard for husbands in the middle, I feel for my DH when his mum is being nuts as it is hard to go against a parent, especially an unstable one who will then go to war with their child.

I wouldn't be going and I'd I'd be telling my husband to bring our children home right now.

I have a bit of a hairline trigger as my grandmother was emotionally abusive to me. So I have not got any patience for people allowing their kids near people like that.

Maybe it is just the drink that makes her a dick but either way she clearly has contempt for you. Probably for stealing away her precious son or some such shit.

I'd be making a brief stop to collect my dh and children then move on to the holiday accommodation I'd be booking in the next five minutes.
Generally, if you poke a bully in the belly hard enough they tend to shut up for a while (metaphorically of course).

Thanks for all your replies so far. It really helps because often I feel like shes gaslighting me. When I challenge her about her behaviour she denies it and says she doesn't have a problem with me, can't see what my issue is and then I start questioning if it's in my head. But clearly not. I feel DH is used to her behaviour so it's not as shocking or unusual to him. I think he's scared to stand up to her. But he needs to grow a pair. He's had mental health issues himself which his psychiatrist has said stem from his mums unhealthy relationship with him. I know some people have said to stay away but I'm a resilient person, I want to tackle this head on and confront her, I don't want her to think shes got the better of me. Will prep DH pre arrival & tell him i fully expect his support.

"I know some people have said to stay away but I'm a resilient person, I want to tackle this head on and confront her, I don't want her to think shes got the better of me".

Who cares what she thinks frankly?. She is a drunkard and your H is a thoroughly conditioned wet lettuce in her presence; that is how much she has harmed him. His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you and he needs therapy like yesterday.

Your own resilience will be sorely tested by her and found wanting. Look at the damage she has done to your now H; he is mired in his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Its no point whatsoever confronting someone this disordered of thinking because she will not change nor say sorry. The best thing to do is for all of you as a family unit to stay well away from her. Do not stay with her under any circumstances. I'd also go and collect the kids and take them home.

I'd be arriving and taking the kids immediately.

Reading Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward may also benefit you.

Imo the dc's trips need to stop. Your dh can't be trusted to keep them safe imo.
He needed a therapist due to dm yet she is an appropriate person to have around your dc? If he won't stop that you must...

was she joking? if she wasn’t joking, she is crazy and you need to never send your kids to stay with her and minimise contact.

@whatstheagendatoday i don't think she was joking. It didn't seem that way. Not in tone and based on previous history she's said it before, multiple times. I mean a normal way of saying it would be "oh the kids are having such a lovely time, you don't need to worry about them missing you, they're in safe hands" etc. She looks after a lot of her other grandkids and no issues so she's safe with the kids and never on her own with them. But she's just a horrible crazy person.

wow. sorry for you op. I thought maybe it was meant in a sarcastic way. If seriously said, then it can be damaging to your dc as well, to speak in that way. Hope you can talk to your kids and then are able to minimise contact with this crazy woman. She must have some real issues.

The thing us, she's not safe eith the kids though.

Imagine bring your kid hearing her say what she did.

Your child cried because her gran told her mum she doesn't miss her. In her head she is thinking 'now mum thinks I don't love her. Maybe she won't love me'. Hense the crying.

Is it all about poking you? Or has she started on your kids now too? I'd be wondering.

My gran would tell my mother I'd been horribly misbehaving (after I'd sat all day drawing quietly). She'd tell me that I ruined my mums life. They try to play you off against eachother.

At best, she is already happily upsetting your child in order to hurt you.

You've also been told your husband has issues that have followed him to adulthood due to her behaviour.

So no, she is not safe around children.
Not remotely.
And now you know this. So please don't bury your head in the sand. Even if she doesn't directly target your child for the same treatment she does you , she still isn't a safe person to have around them.

I know this isn't the first poster who says this, but in my view, they say it best.

Do this

For yourself, your poor damaged DH and definitely for your DC

I and my DC would never be staying with her again, and I'd be moving me and DC out as soon as I arrive, if DH won't move them all out himself now. If he doesn't, it would be up to him whether he follows us to new accom or not, but I'd be very clear with him to think about what that would mean for our relationship.

In future DC would not travel to see her without me. Ever.

When we did travel, I would meet her for lunch or something. I'd be very reluctant to be in her space at all, and certainly wouldn't be making it the focus of future trips.

As for the crying. My MIL tries to be a bit manipulative by crying. I either cometely ignore it (she often goes off to a different room and makes theatrical sniffling noises, I just pretend I can't hear) or I say I can see she's upset, so I'm going to give her some privacy and I leave the room. But she's not mean, just tries to guilt people into doing what she wants instead of just asking.

shes not going to listen to you, she will never change
your dh doesnt stand up to her because he knows it wont work, has dealt with her his whole life

If she has a difficult relationship with alcohol, then I wouldn’t be staying with her or allowing the children to stay either. Growing up with an alcoholic parent, I would never allow my children to experience that type of situation as if it’s completely normal.

Honestly, I’d either take the children and go home or book into a hotel some distance away from her home and have a serious discussion with your DH about the situation. You can both attend Al Anon meetings so that he can see others in a similar boat too and maybe realise that he isn’t responsible for her behaviour and he definitely can’t change it.

You have to put in firm boundaries for your own well-being and don’t your DH try to minimise her behaviour. It’s a symptom of her alcoholism.

Personality disorders are either very rare or massively under diagnosed.

Pretty sure my former mil has one. They live forever too because the devil doesn’t want them back.

I'd be flying there and straight back home with the children.

You are only seeing what's happening in front of you. God knows what her behaviour is like when you are not.

Forget "standing up" to her. She's not important.

You need to stand up for your children and get them away from this toxic set up.

Then you need to tackle your DH. He too needs to put his children's welfare first and if that means going no contact with his mum and therapy then he needs to crack on.

You can't fix your MIL. So don't try.

My vote on massively underdiagnosed.
Think I'd easily put it at 1 in 8 just for the cluster b lot alone. Not to say they're all as bad as eachother of course.

I'd say there's a normal people spectrum. These people have empathy and generally lack malignancy. Then there's an asshole spectrum. People on that range between continuiously selfish dickhead and psychopathic serial killer.

But I don't think it's one long joined up line. Once you can see them for what they are, they just don't feel like...us. It's more like a good vs evil thing if anything.

So when people say the word narcissist is overused as 'some people are just assholes'. I usually think...yes, they're assholes BECAUSE they have something like that going on. Maybe low level, but still...

Sure,nice people can have bad days. Can sometimes be selfish. But it's not the same. The rotten sort...feel different. Like a bad smell.

Regardless of why she is the way she is (alcoholic, personality disorder etc), you have to protect your children from her. She's disturbing them with the things she says and probably with her volatile moods.

I wish my mum protected me from my emotionally abusive dad. She kept making me see him so she could be seen to be doing the "right thing" and not being the one to keep us from him. It was ultimately cowardice and cowardice in these circumstances is a form of selfishness.

Your dh, for whatever reason, can't or won't keep your kids safe from her so you have to.