Unhinged mother in law - help!

[Whisperingangel1]

DH is staying with MIL & our 2 toddlers for 2 weeks - we live abroad. I'm away with work but joining them at the end of the week for 1 week. I video called the day after DH arrived so I could see the kids. MIL took the phone off him & started bellowing "I'm sorry to say but the kids don't miss you at all, not one bit, they don't need you, they've not cried at all" then my daughter started crying and MIL says "see that's what you do to them" to which I responded that's a really unkind thing to say, I don't know why you think that's acceptable to say that to someone". I hung up. Messaged by husband furious that he didn't defend me (he was in the room) and then messaged MIL telling her that her if she didn't have anything nice to say she shouldnt say anything at all, that her behaviour was unkind and needed to stop immediately and asked her why she had a problem with me. She replied and said she was sorry if she upset me, that wasn't her intention, she thought I'd appreciate knowing my kids didn't miss me & she'd never had a problem with me. So I replied I wasn't an idiot and I could tell by her tone (bellowing) and what she said that it was deliberately intended to be hurtful. This is the 3rd time she has done this when I've been away. Last time she said the "kids only need their daddy". To add she tends to say these things after a few glasses of wine (drinks every night - suspect she has a problem) & her inner wine troll comes out. What's more when DH first arrived at MIL she had covid but hadn't told him incase he cancelled which I thought was completely selfish and irresponsible but she can't see that because she can only think of herself. Then she cried. She cries every time I see her, it's draining - there's clearly a mental health problem that's not been addressed. There is a lot of back story & past of examples of similar behaviour but I'm keeping it brief. I'm wondering how best to tackle this when I go to stay with them this week. I'm thinking I just tell her we need to talk and with the support of my DH set some boundaries of what behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable & if she can't behave for the remainder of the stay I'll be leaving early with the kids. Also angry at DH for not growing a pair of balls.

@Pinkbonbon I think my former mil is group b. & sil.

I didn’t twig until I saw the amber heard trial and thought ooh she acts a lot like sil, who acts like mil & it all slotted into place.

They routinely hurt people with no remorse.

It seems there's an element of alcoholism causing her behaviour, coupled with possible jealousy of her son being with you...very unhealthy.
Any chance you can arrange an air BnB? It is undoubtedly disappointing your hubby is too cowardly to defend you.

You say you want to tackle it head on because you are resilient but what does this mean on a practical level? Do you expect her to change because you have stood up to her? Given that your DH has an actual psychiatrist because of the harm done to him by this person, what makes you think that anything you do or say will change her thinking or behaviour. You won't win this by confronting her. You will win this by removing your children from the situation.

Me too! What a cow-bag she sounds

why are going for 2nd week?

I wouldn't be going. And if your DH wants you to go and stay at MILs tell him to cop on. Maybe check into a hotel so he and the kids can still see her.

Yep. And yes to the PP who said don’t leave your kids with an unstable alcoholic. Your DH can’t stand up to her so unfortunately it has to be you.
She yelled at you and made your child cry. She’s done it before. She says the kids don’t need you and only need their daddy.
This is not just damaging to you but to your kids. And to your Who knows what she says when you’re not there. Just take them and stay somewhere else.
You say you’re going to tell your DH that you fully expect his support. Surely you know he’s simply not capable of giving it.
Staying with her for two weeks is madness given that she’s done this before.

*and to your husband too.

I'd not be allowing her to see my children any longer without me being present...if I even bothered allowing any contact with her at all.

I don't allow my children to have contact with unstable people that can harm them emotionally or otherwise (putting them at risk of covid because her seeing them is more important than their well being is appalling). Them being related is irrelevant. I don't expose my children to people I that I wouldn't have otherwise exposed them to just because they fall under the banner of 'family.'

She is malicious. And if she can't control herself when she drinks, she's an alcoholic.

Your DH is spineless to allow his mother to speak that way about his wife at all, but especially in front of your kids.

I don't allow my children to have contact with unstable people that can harm them emotionally

And just to be clear, the remarks that she is making about you in front of your children are emotionally damaging.

Collect your children and cut contact. You are wasting your time attempting to have a conversation with her.

Just an update incase anyone was wondering how it played out. By the time I arrived DH was desperate to leave, had had a miserable time, wished he hadn't visited and felt depressed. We lasted 2 days there then booked new flights home. I didn't speak to MIL - she avoided me, wouldn't make eye contact & seemed to be quietly seething. I knew there wasn't any point speaking to her because you're right she won't change, doesn't think she's done anything wrong and always plays the victim/cries. I don't know if she's an alcoholic but she drinks every night, multiple glasses of wine and sometimes to the point of slurring her words so I'd say it was excessive.

As I was leaving she cried and said she hoped things could be different next time.
I do agree it's a DH problem too, rather than telling her we were leaving early because she'd made the visit so unpleasant he gave some made up excuse about work.

With some people, it's just not worth the aggro. Might as well bite one's lip and let the other person have the last word.

Even before I got to the wine reference in your first post I was feeling alcoholic vibes.
I really , really wouldn’t let children stay with someone with a drink problem — you heard some pretty awful things but I bet your kids heard more in the time they were with her.
Time to cut contact unless she gets help.

You know what I just don't get, how on earth does you husband not stand up for you?! I have a similar DH problem. If it was my own parents and I had a problem, I would tell them directly at the point of the problem and deal with it, not hide behind my husband.
My DH doesn't have a clue how to say no to his crazy mother, it's really bizarre. Seems to be a strange relationship between DMILs and their sons.
Hope your okay now your back home, she sounds like a piece of work!

Your unfortunate husband has been brought up in this batshittery. It will take distance and therapy for him to even begin to see how badly and how thoroughly he has been affected. Hopefully the disaster this visit has been will encourage him to find a therapist who has extensive experience in and knowledge of narcissism.

Please make sure that was the last time your dc see her.. Dh is obviously free to maintain a relationship with her should he wish but your dc aren't being offered up to appease such a woman.. Sharing dna or not.

As I was leaving she cried and said she hoped things could be different next time

Unless I misunderstood, it sounds like she understands exactly why your dh wanted to leave early. Sounds like she feels remorse for ruining the visit