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Original poster

Do I need closure?

27 replies

whatthefuckisnext · 07/08/2023 10:17

I got unceremoniously and unexpectedly dumped a month ago after a fairly blissful year relationship.

I'm struggling to move past it as I quickly ended the conversation and went no contact so I don't really know wtf happened and I'm now questioning if the whole relationship was a lie. I know he doesn't want me and that's closure enough, but I'm really toying with asking to meet or call for a chat. I could never trust him again so don't want him back, just keep running over the possible reasons in my head and it's keeping me stuck. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Mothercareyschickens · 07/08/2023 10:20

Yes you need closure, but you have to get that for yourself, not from him.

This may be useful;

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-closure-on-closure-we-cannot-always-get-all-of-the-answers/

Narjilla · 07/08/2023 12:33

I would ask to meet up for a chat over coffee and if they moved far away I would face time. Don't ask why over text.

MollysBrolly · 07/08/2023 12:36

I wouldn't spend another minute trying to work out why it ended. Even if you get in contact he will probably say It's me i don't fee the relationship was what I wanted - rather than you're feet stink and I hate your moods.Whatever his reasons you knowing won't help you.

RuffledKestrel · 07/08/2023 12:57

It not work seeking closure from the other person in my experience. Especially after the trust has been totally lost as nothing they say will be believable.

Rockyroad101 · 07/08/2023 14:51

I wouldn’t bother contacting him. What good will it do you? You may never get an answer. He may not want to meet you, that could leave you feeling much worse. Things end and it’s probably better to just accept it and move on. At this stage, does it matter if the whole relationship was a lie? I’d move on and wouldn’t give this any more thought.

PurpleGreenandWhiteAreTheNewPrimaryColours · 07/08/2023 14:54

I've learnt the hard way you get closure from actions not words.

You're inviting him to make up a whole load of crap about why the relationship ended so he can make it your fault.

Don't do it

lyralycra · 07/08/2023 14:54

Why did you end the relationship?

BoohooWoohoo · 07/08/2023 14:59

Do you think that he's going to tell you the truth face to face? Lots of people would lie because they think that they are saving the other person's feelings.
You thought it was great when he clearly disagrees. This makes me think that he isn't going to be honest - especially if it's a reason like he's got his eye on someone else or he was hoping that sticking it out would increase his feelings which will paint him as a dick.

lyralycra · 07/08/2023 15:01

Sorry OP my previous post meant to say why did he end the relationship!

Lkahsvtv · 07/08/2023 15:08

You could try meeting but rarely do you get the answers I’ve found and even when they tell you what the truth is in their eyes it still doesn’t really give you what you need.

DatingDinosaur · 07/08/2023 17:47

Did he give you a reason why he was ending the relationship? That's usually the closure. Even if your heart doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I think its normal to want to contact someone who dumped you. It's like you need some sort of validation that you're not a horrible, unlovable person (but hopefully deep down you know that within yourself anyway).

I'd say there's little point in getting in touch with him to talk things through personally. What's done is done and it would just look like you was trying to get back with him if you contact him (even if that's not the case).

Let sleeping dogs lie.

castlesandsand · 07/08/2023 17:54

Closure is overrated - for whatever reason the relationship was not working out for your partner. If it came out of the blue there are probably reasons behind it you will never know and he will never admit to. If there were issues you probably know what they are. It may not be about you, it may be something else.

You could ask, what went wrong was it anything you did but you need to think and move forward - don't try and fix and people please.

babygirl88 · 07/08/2023 18:56

Closure isnt a real thing. Its something thats been pedalled to people like its a magical cure to uncomfortable situations. Its not. You can ask questions as much as you like, you either wont get truth or you'll get answers you dont like and cause more issues to yourself. and i guarentee you can ask 10000000000 questions and think the books closed, you'll still have more anyway. Closure isnt real.

LightSpeeds · 07/08/2023 19:11

Maybe it's better to be in the dark about it. If he met someone else, surely that will make you feel a whole lot worse.

Lieslies · 07/08/2023 19:12

I was desperate for closure and the truth. Then I saw something saying why give them another opportunity to lie to you? I've worked out for myself what I think happened. It may not be 100% accurate but I'm satisfied it's closer to the truth than he would tell me.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/08/2023 19:34

Do nothing it’s far too soon

eventually we do get it one way or another

but I’d sit tight and do nothing and say nothing and block any sight of him

focus on self care

and honestly by the time you feel better , you’ll have more clarity and might not even need closure

Olika · 07/08/2023 19:36

I understand why you think you need to find out however I do think closure is overrated. You need to find it in yourself. He doesn't want you, that's all I would need to know. I would concentrate on looking ahead.

ZekeZeke · 08/08/2023 05:00

It's been a month. You are hurting.
Do not contact him.
Closure? It's over. End of.
Work on yourself.

wlana · 08/08/2023 05:57

Don’t contact him. There is no guarantee he’ll not just sit there and make up a load of crap.

Busubaba · 08/08/2023 06:51

He ended it and you say you cut the conversation short. Understandably so.

But it's a month now and if you contact him it's going to be very strange as the opportunity to ask why would have been at the time.

If he did reply to your contacting him and he's a reasonable person he will just say the usual Teasdale of it wasn't you it was me, I just needed some time on my own blah blah blah.

If he's unpleasant he might say there was someone else and had been all along which will only further distress you.

In this instance you need to be able to move on without knowing the ins and outs of why he ended the relationship.

VictoriaVenkman · 08/08/2023 07:29

Even if he told you a reason, if indeed he was telling the truth, it could lead to more questions and turmoil than not knowing.

You thought the relationship was pretty great, clearly for him it was not working, whatever the reason. Sad but best not to dwell.

Jellyx · 08/08/2023 07:30

He could give you 10
Reasons and none might be true!

Captainfairylights · 08/08/2023 08:37

In my experience, 'needing closure' is often your mind's euphemism for simply missing them, and its attempt to avoid the pain of it being over. One month is a very short time, and after a traumatic breakup, feelings come in waves. Relief, grief, longing, disbelief, all of these powerful feelings can come unexpectedly and be overwhelming. It can be almost a full time job to overcome a trauma like this, and it is helpful to be extremely kind to yourself. I have found that the more urgent it feels to contact them, the more this is a trick by your mind. It's making its 'case' to you like a clever, but corrupt lawyer, coming up with something convincing to make you reach out and ruin your recovery. I would resist this urge. I'd simply take some time alone and really experience the feeling you are getting. Examine it, question it. Be your own defence lawyer, who is really looking after you. Allow yourself to get underneath it, and likely you will simply feel that you miss them horribly and it's as simple as that. Then you can find things to soothe that feeling. A few times like this and you will start to gain a little control and familiarity with the process and you will start to emerge and experience more and more peace. Good luck.

Narjilla · 08/08/2023 08:51

I think going is still useful because it can crystalise the break up in your head, there would be no what ifs. You can still interpret what he says however you like and come to your own conclusions. I don't see the meeting as finding out the truth, I think it's as giving him the opportunity to explain and give you more clues about what happened even if he lies it's still useful because for me saying what I have to say face to face and getting heard, knowing I gave him the chance to explain will give me more peace and eradicate any doubt I have. I have had to make my own peace and closure with people who have passed away and that is different to making your own conclusion and closure with people who are still alive and contactable.

Narjilla · 08/08/2023 08:59

Op said she ended it quickly with no discussion, no doubt from the shock. Now the dust has settled, it's understandable to want to meet up and discuss it sort of like a post mortem exam. No it won't change the facts but Even if he lies or avoids answering there is still clarity in that because it will make you be sure of what he can and can't give you in terms of closure knowing you have given him the chance.

There is also a small chance he will be truthful, which I think it's worth a pun meeting up but don't have high expectations and be focused on what you want to ask. There is no guarantee he will answer truthfully or even at all but make sure you ask what you need to ask. At least then I'd feel like I gave it all my best to understand and be convinced this is as much as he really could give me. I could then reach my own conclusion having left no stone unturned.

I don't believe in things like taking the high road and ignoring, I don't think we learn or grow from avoiding and introspecting as looking inwards isn't always the objective truth particularly if we have a damaged sense of self worth our judgment and interpretation of events won't be the best anyway.

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