I can't make sense of what's happening!

[Caitlyn555]

This is my first time of writing on a forum like this but I need some help to detangle what's going on before I go mad.

I think my ex partner is/was emotionally and physically abusive but my heads all over the place. There were things he was very controlling about , he got physical in arguments when he couldn't control his temper and our walls ended up getting holes in. Insults were thrown , names called and I ended up feeling like I was the worst person and I'm still trying to rebuild my confidence. Lots of times we tried again and I believed we'd work better but it always ended the same - to the point I felt suicidal.

Last few months I've been standing my ground but yesterday he sat down and read me some things he'd wrote. He said he was sorry and that our arguments only ever got physical because he loved/cared about me to much. He always wanted to have a family but there were just things he wasn't happy with/couldn't get over. It was very emotional and I ended up having a moment of weakness - my head is now all over the place. I was so adamant that not being together was right , but now all I can think is maybe he wasn't so bad? Maybe he loved me so much it came out in the wrong way? Now rather than feeling strong, I feel heartbroken again. He said that he never just came and hit me or hurt me randomly - it was always in an argument. Maybe he's right - maybe it wasn't abuse?

We share a house currently while it's being sorted out so I know that doesn't help but now I feel like a fraud for even saying it. In my head I'm thinking maybe everyone's the same or worse, my trust is anyone is non existent - in which case should I just stay with him?

I know I sound mental and people are going to be reading this seeing things I can't but I'm honestly so confused. I can't imagine my life without this man and I have no idea why after everything that's happened.

He said he was sorry and that our arguments only ever got physical because he loved/cared about me to much

I've never hit or in any way physically threatened or intimidated anyone I care about. Nor have I tried to control them or thrown insults around.

Have you?

My ex's mum used to tell me many years ago that he only ever hit me because he loved me so much. If he didn't love me, I wouldnt be able to make him so angry.

His aunt took me aside and told me that was bollocks. She was right.

Youre trauma bonded to him, it's more an addiction than love. You need to get away from him, this will happen one day, one way or another. You can either be brave and go now, painful as it will be, or wait until he wears you right down, kills you, or you kill yourself. Those are the outcomes here, happy ever after is not an option. Good luck op.

@HereTodayGothTomorrow This line here 'If he didn't love me, I wouldn't be able to make him so angry.'

My ex always said I push his buttons like no-one else and that he only gets so angry because he cares.

What he cares about is being right; you agreeing with him; having the upperhand; you backing down etc.

He doesn't care about you as a person or your emotional wellbeing.

He cares about maintaining his perceived authority.

I've known/dated a few men like this now. It always comes down to the same thing.

It's only ever been 'me' in the sense that I angered them by standing up for myself or standing my ground and refusing to conform as they wished me to.

It's not you. And it never was.

"Maybe he loved me so much it came out in the wrong way?"

What a low bar you have for love. He's not the anguished antagonist in a romantic novel. He's a violent, selfish, manipulative, malicious wanker who would see you miserable and scared to be with him. Not love to my mind.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your man here has given you a lot of old flannel. You did not cause him or otherwise drive him to abuse you in any way. He feel entitled to abuse you and that is all on him. Abusers too are adept at blaming others for their abuse, it’s never in their head is their fault.

I would think too you are trauma bonded to him.
This was and remains an abusive relationship and you need to be out of that house asap. He likes having you around to abuse. Your boundaries here, already perhaps skewed by poor life experience and or previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now.

You need to get away from him, use all help offered to you and rebuild your life without your abuser in it. Look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme as this is for people who have been in abusive relationships. Contact Women’s Aid, they can and will help too.

So he punched walls, called you names and basically blames you for his lack of self control when he doesn't get his own way ..and he does not love you OP

Do you care about him? Have you ever acted that way towards him? Probably not.

I mean this in the nicest way possible,

Next time that punch could be aimed at your head/face

He is abusive, and reflecting the blame for this back on you,

That's not love, please get away from him before something horrible happens to you

"My ex always said I push his buttons like no-one else and that he only gets so angry because he cares."

The implication being that he is wonderful around everyone else, it's your fault that he's abusive and lucky you, he's doing it for love.

You want a rough diamond but if you lap up this sort of bullshit you're only mining for coal. Sorry to be so blunt.

You need to be your own best friend. If your friend told you she was being treated like you are, I'm sure you'd tell her to leave and help her get out. Now you need to be strong for yourself and get far away from this man.

He said that he never just came and hit me or hurt me randomly - it was always in an argument.

And that makes it okay does it? He's minimising the abuse and putting the blame on you. Doesn't sound like much of an apology.

What would you say if a female friend or relative told you they were being treated this way? Would you tell them it's not abuse and that they should stay with him?

You're going through the cycle of abuse. He has to be nice sometimes to keep you confused. Right now he's being apologetic so you question whether things are really that bad. Before long things will be bad again and you'll question why you stay with him. And so the cycle repeats.

What was your parent's relationship like? Typically we're more inclined to accept abuse as normal when it's what we've witnessed growing up.

I would strongly encourage you to do the freedom programme.

OP I'm sorry but this is a clearly abusive relationship, your ex has been treating you very badly and not because he 'cares'. He only cares about being in control. Please, please make plans to leave. He will not change and you will have much misery ahead of you.

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

I had one of these. I worked out that the reason I was so special and so loved compared to all others was BECAUSE I put up with his shit.
No he never fell in love with the ones who didn't let him hit them BECAUSE they didn't let him hit them.
Do you know what? I wanted someone to love me because I was amazing, not because I let them bully me.
I left, eventually, and have been married for 23 years to someone who would never hurt me BECAUSE he thinks I'm amazing.
Honestly you don't want to be the love of an aggressive person's life, it's not a good place to be.

"our arguments only ever got physical because he loved/cared about me to much"

Omg. If being loved means being beaten up, I'd rather not be loved tyvm.

Anyway, it's obviously rubbish. I've got a husband who loves me and has never hit me. I've had ex boyfriends who have loved me, and even had foul tempers, but never hit me. Plenty of women are loved by men who never hit them.

And even if he does love you, in his messed up way - so what. That doesn't mean you owe it to him to ensure his abuse. Don't ever feel you have to be grateful for a man's love. Only for his chosen actions.

"In my head I'm thinking maybe everyone's the same or worse,"

No, no one is the same or worse. Do you know how many times in my long life that a boyfriend, partner or now husband has lifted a hand to me? NONE.

My mother once told me 'if a man lifts his hand to you, then that's the first and last time it happens', meaning you don't stick around for another blow.

So don't fall for his baloney. Get as far away from him as you can. You deserve much more than this. You have one precious life, don't waste any more of it being degraded and beaten down.

Yeah that's abusive and as PP said you're likely trauma bonded, I've been through the same and it is an addiction. You can maybe see what it is, your gut is maybe telling you something but you are minimizing, self doubting and excusing because it's not always bad so must be something good and genuine in there.

That's the thing though it's a cycle of good and bad and you get hooked, addicted to that way of living. Studies show it does actually rewire your brain. If it was bad all the time it would be bold as day. It's intermittent reinforcement they treat you well and then treat you bad, it never ends and gets worse over time.

They will pull out all kind of excuses for their behavior, dupe you into thinking they see the wrong it in and they will change but it's shallow.

Remember you cannot force someone to behave in a certain way, this isn't on you it's them. Those buttons would be there with someone else.

I'm not quick to anger but even so I've never hit anyone, not even a wall. I never retaliated when I was being hit and that's the difference, some people have control and know it's wrong. Others are abusive and do not have control and don't give two shits what they do or who they hurt.

All the care about is being exposed, being at fault and losing control.

This is the classic cycle of domestic abuse.
You have learnt co-dependent patterns of responding from somewhere in your past.

When someone is codependent they put their own needs aside.
They become Rescuers.
They start looking for someone to rescue.

Then they can focus on the other person's feelings all day long instead of their own.

The rescuer part of them only sees the fragile part of the other person and puts the bad behavior aside.

Part of you is using him as a coping mechanism for your own dysfunctional part.

The abuser knows how to elicit the rescuer part of you by going 'childlike'.
It's like when a 2yr old kicks you in the shin and you say 'he's just tired and cross'.

That's what your partner is saying, that Mummy was overreacting because he was cross and tired and Mummy wasn't sympathetic enough. And didn't recognise he was a poor little child.

He's doing the manipulative lovebombing. There is idolising you, esp in front of others, then devaluing you later when you are alone.

Don't fall for it. Your ex is an adult.
You are not his mother. You can't make him 'better'.
Because you don't have special powers.

It gives you an illusion of control to soothe his feelings. You like that lovely ok feeling when you think you can control his powerful feelings. That's your drug.
He's offered that poisonous bait again.

There's nothing to stop history repeating itself.
Neither of you has had therapy.

Conversely, OP, my mum told me I must have done something to deserve it and to be careful I behaved myself or the next time he might dump me.

I've only been hit in a couple of relationships but I've experienced a lot of emotional abuse (starting at home as a child).

Whose mum got it right do you think?

He's an abuser. He doesn't know how to regulate his emotions and that's on him. You are not his life support and you don't deserve to live with someone who puts his hands on you and holes in the walls. Your poor neighbours living next to that as well.

It's time to get rid once and for all. Tell him you can't fix him and he needs to do that on his own.

The difference between an excuse and a reason (in my opinion) is how a person decides to move forward. Someone that's making excuses will try to say their behaviour was acceptable because of this this and this. Someone that's looking for reasons will accept their behaviour was wrong and want to understand the reasons why and get help to change. I think you need to ask yourself what he's doing to change his behaviour? Is he receiving counselling? Has he discussed medications with his GP to control his angry outbursts? Or is he simply trying to manipulate you into thinking you should just put up with it?

Someone that only ever makes excuses will never change. You deserve so much better OP, do not let the yearning for the relationship you wish you had take root in your mind, it's not reality. In reality you deserve to be able to live your life without fear. Without every decision being painstakingly made to avoid an argument. Imagine a life where you can put your feet up after dinner and feel at peace, knowing that nobody is going to question what you're doing or how you're doing it. Imagine waking up excited for what the day will bring because you get to decide how you live your life. Imagine your heart not racing if you spill a drink but calmly mopping it up. Imagine hearing a door slam and not being afraid.

It takes great strength to walk away, please be strong, you do deserve it.

It's bollocks.

You don't abuse your loved ones

Please read this urgently, you need to get yourself UN-BRAINWASHED. You are in very real danger, whether you realise it or not.

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

My ex used to rage at me when I used the wrong ‘tone’ of voice to him. The worst time was because I dared to call him from another room.

He said he just saw ‘red’ and couldn’t help but react. He even admitted that I probably didn’t even know I was doing it.

I have a quiet voice and I am very drama free.

He once ‘generously’ said he would really try not to see red when I transgressed. I think the real reason was because he did not see me as his equal, so if and when I ever acted in a way that wasn’t subservient or respectful enough, he would feel entitled to unleash his rage at me.

My therapist told me that he probably didn’t like what I’d said, and this was a way of deflecting the problem onto me as my fault. It is often said that when a partner blames you for making them lose their temper, it’s a cop out.

They really just want to scare you into shutting up.

Your partner saying he gets angry because he loves you too much is just angry, controlling, misogynistic bullshit.