I can't make sense of what's happening!

[Caitlyn555]

This is my first time of writing on a forum like this but I need some help to detangle what's going on before I go mad.

I think my ex partner is/was emotionally and physically abusive but my heads all over the place. There were things he was very controlling about , he got physical in arguments when he couldn't control his temper and our walls ended up getting holes in. Insults were thrown , names called and I ended up feeling like I was the worst person and I'm still trying to rebuild my confidence. Lots of times we tried again and I believed we'd work better but it always ended the same - to the point I felt suicidal.

Last few months I've been standing my ground but yesterday he sat down and read me some things he'd wrote. He said he was sorry and that our arguments only ever got physical because he loved/cared about me to much. He always wanted to have a family but there were just things he wasn't happy with/couldn't get over. It was very emotional and I ended up having a moment of weakness - my head is now all over the place. I was so adamant that not being together was right , but now all I can think is maybe he wasn't so bad? Maybe he loved me so much it came out in the wrong way? Now rather than feeling strong, I feel heartbroken again. He said that he never just came and hit me or hurt me randomly - it was always in an argument. Maybe he's right - maybe it wasn't abuse?

We share a house currently while it's being sorted out so I know that doesn't help but now I feel like a fraud for even saying it. In my head I'm thinking maybe everyone's the same or worse, my trust is anyone is non existent - in which case should I just stay with him?

I know I sound mental and people are going to be reading this seeing things I can't but I'm honestly so confused. I can't imagine my life without this man and I have no idea why after everything that's happened.

Whatever you do don't move in with him, better to get rid of altogether.

No. He got abusive with you because you're the only person he dared to act that way around. I'm sure people "push his buttons" at work, in his family, friends ... But I'll bet he doesn't punch holes in the wall at work.

He's making excuses for himself. Please see through him. He's rotten. This is what you'll have forever. He's worthless.

I've been there. My first long term boyfriend used to get verbally and physically abusive to me regularly. He would always apologise and I would accept it, then the cycle would start again. I was very young at the time. I look back at myself then and wish I could have a serious word. He will not ever change so you need to decide if you wish this to be your life for the foreseeable. I really hope you get rid of this abusive man.

I really feel for you, you've put up with abuse for so long you can't see clearly now.

The words he wrote down were just a ploy to get you to feel sorry for him and take him back.

And if he only hits you because he loves you so much (he doesn't, he hits you because he's abusive) then why would that stop if he still loves you?

It will continue to escalate because he knows he just has to put on the waterworks and tell you it's in the name of love so you stay.

I guarantee you if you say no to getting back with him his behaviour will revert straight back.

He is manipulating you, don't fall for it.

Work on yourself then you'll find someone who shows their love with cuddles and not physical violence!

And it is trauma bonding. I've been there. You WILL get through this, you need to cut him out of your life completely.

Start working with a therapist who will help you make sense of your feelings

Thank you everyone, your advice means a lot and hopefully soon I can be in a better headspace so I can see clearly.

Ask yourself if he behaved like this with friends and colleagues??

He's blaming you for his violence. Don't you see that? Your bar is on the floor, I'm afraid.

He doesn't love you. He loves controlling you.

@Aquamarine1029 I do see that sometimes ... we were together for such a long time it's hard to separate the loving person from the controlling person.
It's so hard to explain - I definitely see it more than I used to though. It's not like it was just a switch in person it built up over time so it's almost like it was normal.

It's not like it was just a switch in person it built up over time so it's almost like it was normal.

People often use the boiling frog analogy when talking about abuse. If you put a frog into boiling water it'll jump straight out, but if you gradually increase the heat the frog won't notice that it's boiling alive.

This is usually how abuse occurs in relationships. If a man showed his abusive side right away, no woman would stick around. So instead it escalates slowly, so slowly that you don't even realise it's happening. It starts off subtle and it only escalates once the subtle behaviour has been normalised.

Overtime, the woman may feel that there is something wrong, but it's hard to put her finger on what exactly. Many of us have been there and know just how hard it can be to see clearly when you're in it.

Yeah that analogy makes sense, well did in mine anyway. It's the highs and lows you come accustomed to them, desperate for any sign of affection or being nice they seem high but in reality they are not. They are just not at the depths of the low.

After enough time passes you see it but you've been in it so long you can't break yourself away easily because what if they aren't so bad after all, what if it's you. Only when you leave and break that bond do you see it.

The best thing I did to see it all clear as day was write down all the events good and bad since we met and there was a clear pattern.

He only gets so angry because he's crazy.

Don't be fooled by his bullshit. Leave him before he punches a hole in you.

If you are still sharing a house then you are in danger. Call Womens Aid or similar and get advice about getting out. I would consider talking to the police about coercive control/domestic violence. Even if no charges are brought, they should be able to advise you about keeping yourself safe. If that means going to a refuge, then do it. If it means going to court then do that. He isn't even pretending that his behaviour was wrong, which tells you that it will definitely happen again.

The idea that he only hurts or frightens you because he loves you is utter bullshit. My mother used to do this to me (the only time she ever told me she loved me was when she was beating me, because apparently if she didn't love me then she wouldn't have bothered). Believing her poisoned so much of my life and it took me many, many years to work out how wrong she was. Love protects and nurtures, it doesn't hurt and destroy.

You can choose a future where nobody frightens you, nobody hurts you and you are not afraid. I'm not pretending it's a easy choice, but you can make it and there are plenty of people who can help you. Please, make the call.