I think I’m in the right - or am I just boring?

MoonLion · 07/08/2023 09:35

He sounds awful OP. I know it's hard to imagine life without him after 20 years, but this is not how a marriage should be.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2023 09:38

He abuses alcohol and drugs, he cheats, he controls your other relationships and has you doubting yourself, that’s why you think you’re stuck. You’re not, you can get out and live without his criticism and control.

Dachshund40 · 07/08/2023 09:39

Sorry, he was in his 20’s when you were 16, how long had you been 16 when you got together?

Moonberri · 07/08/2023 09:39

So you met when you were 16 and he was 23? That's a bit of a red flag right there!

He sounds awful. You're not boring because you don't do drugs or think he's cheating (at least emotionally). I couldn't stay with someone like this.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 09:41

Ltb and don't look back. Just because you have been together so long and have dc doesn't mean you lay down and be trampled on op.. He is a druggie. A piss head and a womaniser.. Aren't you ashamed to be seen out with him?

yellowsmileyface · 07/08/2023 09:47

I feel like there's a lot to unpack here.

First the age difference. Not so big at your current ages, but concerning that he pursued a 16 year old at 23. Plus if you've been with him all this time, it's no wonder you're feeling stuck with him. He's all you've known for your adult life.

Frequently accusing you of cheating is abusive and coercively controlling behaviour. It's worked, as you admit you don't go out to avoid arguing, which was exactly the outcome he wanted.

He's emotionally abusing you by calling you miserable and boring. He's trying to wear you down so you lose your sense of self.

Also who the heck joins dating apps as a joke? Where's the punchline exactly?

And to top it all off he has substance abuse issues.

You deserve better than this. I know leaving might feel impossible. This has been the way things are for so long, even if you're unhappy it's hard to imagine things being any different. But you deserve better, and your kids deserve better than to be raised in this environment. I'd encourage you to speak to women's aid for support.

JibbaJab · 07/08/2023 10:10

The way I see this coming across is he is controlling and emotionally/psychologically abusive, plus drugs and alcohol on top.

Accusing you of cheating when you know you haven't or wouldn't and I would imagine other put downs too, eventually after so long conditions you to be a certain way and strips your identity. Removing friends alongside this you start losing connections and you become isolated, dependent on them alone. Especially if you have been together since that age, you know no different.

I'm reserved and been in a similar situation as you and often thought maybe I'm boring like they say. However, when you think about it you aren't allowed to be yourself, have your opinions or friends that you once had and they are going against everything they have conditioned you to believe they value...so of course you're going to bring it up and you know right from wrong too.

This is the problem with abusive types. They expect you to do as they say, they build up expectations of you based on what they are insecure about and you mold yourself around that version of a partner they wanted and over the years you become someone else, just to please them and keep the peace.

However, what you will find is they can do whatever they like, say whatever without any thought and do all the things they accuse you of, while simultaneously making it seem like you are at fault for noticing or questioning it.

This isn't a case of you are boring, this is a case that you can see the hypocrisy, the lies and betrayal and he is mind fucking you in order to shut you down, avoid accountability and continue doing what he wants with you back in your box.

GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 10:16

Being blunt, he dated a 16 year old when he was 23. He's not exactly a man of emotional maturity, high morals or good judgement is he?

He doesn't sound like a good or a decent man. You're not boring, you're just not a dick!

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 07/08/2023 10:20

Painful to read. You'd be much better off without him.
He sounds really immature and irresponsible.

Original poster

LHJ21 · 07/08/2023 17:48

With the age difference at the time I was a young silly teenager thinking I was more grownup than I was. I have a son who is the same age as I was when I met my husband and cannot see why someone of 23 would be interested in a 16 year old.
But we did meet and liked each other, I don’t think either of us expected it to be anything serious but it did.
But as an adult looking back it certainly shouldn’t have happened and I would re-do it over (but I have my kids).

We argued a lot and I wasn’t happy after a couple of years being together but I fell pregnant at 20 so felt like I had to stay with him.

He is very self centred and I don’t feel that I can rely on him a lot of the time. He ruins any special occasions, days out, holidays, Christmas as his day becomes about drinking and he just doesn’t care about how me and the kids feel about it. We don’t like going out for meals with him and prefer to do days out without him.
He tells me that I have turned the kids against him, but they are old enough to see for themselves and make their own opinions.

Any level of trust I did have in him has gone, but he just tells me that it’s my issue and I am trying to cause trouble. He tells me I’m jealous that he has friends. He is a very sociable person and likes going out, which is absolutely fine, but don’t go out and do drugs, don’t sleep at female colleagues homes, don’t roll in at 6am drunk the next morning.

I think family life bores him and he just wants to have fun.
We were getting on well recently until I saw the messages about the brownies, and apparently now it’s my fault that we are back to square one.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 07/08/2023 18:46

Yeah, that's generally how it goes they can do whatever they want, you're not allowed to raise concern, have an opinion or do what you want to do and it's your fault.

You say you were getting on recently but what is that exactly. Was it you were happy and feel loved and he was there treating you equally...or was it a case of there wasn't any drama or conflict but was still behaving the same?

Doesn't sounds like a very one sided relationship to me so far.

JibbaJab · 07/08/2023 18:47

*Does sound like

Saschka · 07/08/2023 18:53

LHJ21 · 07/08/2023 17:48

With the age difference at the time I was a young silly teenager thinking I was more grownup than I was. I have a son who is the same age as I was when I met my husband and cannot see why someone of 23 would be interested in a 16 year old.
But we did meet and liked each other, I don’t think either of us expected it to be anything serious but it did.
But as an adult looking back it certainly shouldn’t have happened and I would re-do it over (but I have my kids).

We argued a lot and I wasn’t happy after a couple of years being together but I fell pregnant at 20 so felt like I had to stay with him.

He is very self centred and I don’t feel that I can rely on him a lot of the time. He ruins any special occasions, days out, holidays, Christmas as his day becomes about drinking and he just doesn’t care about how me and the kids feel about it. We don’t like going out for meals with him and prefer to do days out without him.
He tells me that I have turned the kids against him, but they are old enough to see for themselves and make their own opinions.

Any level of trust I did have in him has gone, but he just tells me that it’s my issue and I am trying to cause trouble. He tells me I’m jealous that he has friends. He is a very sociable person and likes going out, which is absolutely fine, but don’t go out and do drugs, don’t sleep at female colleagues homes, don’t roll in at 6am drunk the next morning.

I think family life bores him and he just wants to have fun.
We were getting on well recently until I saw the messages about the brownies, and apparently now it’s my fault that we are back to square one.

You know, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong here - you aren’t well matched and it sounds like neither of you are happy together. You’d be happier apart.

Original poster

LHJ21 · 07/08/2023 18:55

@JibbaJab it is very one sided and he is very much a hypocrite but when I point that out I get shut down.
When I say getting on it was no conflict, he apologised for recent behaviour and I actually felt a bit loved up again. But feel that it was all an act, he does whatever he wants and I’m oblivious to the majority of it. He just wants to keep me from nagging and then has his own life outside of the family home.

OP posts:

Original poster

LHJ21 · 07/08/2023 18:59

@Saschka I agree. I feel that we are expecting each other to change who we are and that’s not fair whether who is right or wrong. I feel that changes obviously need to be made for the sake of the children, but if that leads to resentment it defeats the point.
Neither of us have the finances to live separately. He is not prepared to leave and I have nowhere to go. We do not own our home so we haven’t got assets to sell.

OP posts:

Elle2018 · 07/08/2023 21:05

LHJ21 · 07/08/2023 09:33

I’m 36, husband is 43. We have been together 20 years and have three children.

There have been many issues over the years but what we are going through at the moment I feel that I am right in my feelings but he is making out that I’m just miserable and boring. And to be honest yes maybe I am, but I’ve always been more reserved. I just think we are not for each other, but unfortunately are stuck.

He has made friendships at his work that all mainly include younger single people. He goes out regularly with them and they are constantly messaging.

I am 99% sure he does weed and cocaine when out with them. Recently found weed hidden in the house. I know people do it, but it’s not for me and I don’t like him doing it. Saw a message on his phone yesterday to one of his friends in his 20s asking for brownies - he said this was a joke but it wasn’t.

He has a woman who randomly messages him and I see tries to face time him, but he said that’s just how she is. He showed me one message of her saying her and her boyfriend were just checking in on him. But refused to show me any others. Why if you are out with your boyfriend would you randomly call a male colleague?

I’ve asked to see his phone to just put my mind at rest over everything which he has flat out refused and is telling me I am controlling.

Controlling? Coming from the person who would accuse me constantly throughout our relationship of cheating which then caused me not to make friendships with colleagues or go out as it saved on arguments. He has made me delete male friends on Facebook but has woken all over his.

I caught him signing up for Tinder a few years ago, which he said was a joke. Caught him out speaking to an ex but he just said he was going through a bad time.

Yes he works but also has issues with his alcohol on days when he doesn’t, cannot go without drinking otherwise he is bored. He knows me and the kids don’t like it and it has caused many issues but he won’t do anything about it.

Run OP, run for the hills as fast as you can. This man is not open and honest with you, he lies takes drugs and is an alcoholic.

JibbaJab · 07/08/2023 21:08

@LHJ21 Yeah unfortunately I would say you are in a toxic relationship and it's not you. I mean I can only go off my experience with my wife and that was abusive throughout but not constantly, we had some rare good periods but they didn't last and she never apologized for anything ever.

I'm quite laid back, quiet and often shy, just wanted to get on but there was always something wrong and it was always my fault. What you are experiencing is similar to mine, it's emotional and psychological abuse and it runs in cycles of good and bad.

Anything for yourself or nice things like events, holidays to share get ruined with some form of drama or issue I found. Never a case of just having a nice time there was always something.

After being in it for so long it rewires your brain, the highs and lows becomes an addiction and you get trauma bonded to someone who is clearly not good but you can't pull away and will do anything to stay with them. The lows are intense and the highs, like an apology or some form of affection is intense too.

Obviously I don't know everything but problem is this is another knock on effect, the constant blame and being at fault makes you feel like you need to change, you doubt yourself and your self esteem is stripped. Is it you too or is it him and even so if it was both, can he change otherwise it's pointless.

Know it's hard without money. Do you have any family or any other way you could start again, like council support?

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 21:10

You are so young. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment but you really are. You deserve so much better than this.

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/08/2023 21:17

You're only 36. You have a long life ahead of you. It will be miserable with this man. He won't change. This is who he is. This is who he's always been. This is why he chose a 16 year old who wouldn't be his equal and he could influence and do whatever he wanted.

Don't settle for this. At only 36 you can start again and live a better live. With someone who values you and respects you. Or on your own enjoying your independence and not being belittled and cheated on.

(If you're still having sex with him, I'd recommend you get tested for STDs just in case)

Original poster

LHJ21 · 07/08/2023 21:30

@JibbaJab I haven’t discussed any of this with family. The only place I could go is my parents, but they live nearby and we park on their drive. I know that he would cause trouble if I was to go there and it would make things 100x worse.
Also my three can be a handful together, my youngest has ADHD and my dad only has so much patience. I don’t want to impose on them.

You’re right about there always being something. Every holiday, nearly every family occasion, meals when out, even out wedding day was ruined because of him.

Are you still with your wife?

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Prisonbreak · 07/08/2023 21:41

He sounds dreamy!

JibbaJab · 07/08/2023 21:55

@LHJ21 Sorry to hear that, it's hard isn't it. I mean, you would likely be entitled to things like benefits and housing perhaps and there are steps to protect yourself, like Non Molestation Order to keep him away and if breached police will get involved.

Thats weird my wedding was ruined too, didn't speak to me the whole day because of someone else but was my fault apparently.

No, in the end I was seemingly all used up and I got forced out during a rage episode and been erased. Taken our money, house and withholding the children, can't see or speak to them been months. Mines a special kind of evil.

Original poster

LHJ21 · 07/08/2023 22:05

@JibbaJab I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you manage to get something sorted to get your rights back.

Mine was just pissed the whole day, think he was pissed when he got to the church. Spent my wedding night at my parents.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 07/08/2023 22:13

@LHJ21 Yeah sucks but distance has allowed me to see it all clearly, although it's been horrific to be honest it is like coming off a drug, then children on top... working on it but got a long wait and battle ahead.

Oh, nice just what you want on your wedding day. Spent mine ours home, didn't even involve any drinking either so can't even say it was that.

muddlingthrou · 07/08/2023 22:42

Get out get out get out! It is so difficult to see a different path for yourself when you got together so young and have been in the same relationship for so long, but I guarantee you can do better. You have lost the trust and he's taking advantage of you. Please be brave and save yourself x