I think I’m in the right - or am I just boring?

[LHJ21]

I’m 36, husband is 43. We have been together 20 years and have three children.

There have been many issues over the years but what we are going through at the moment I feel that I am right in my feelings but he is making out that I’m just miserable and boring. And to be honest yes maybe I am, but I’ve always been more reserved. I just think we are not for each other, but unfortunately are stuck.

He has made friendships at his work that all mainly include younger single people. He goes out regularly with them and they are constantly messaging.

I am 99% sure he does weed and cocaine when out with them. Recently found weed hidden in the house. I know people do it, but it’s not for me and I don’t like him doing it. Saw a message on his phone yesterday to one of his friends in his 20s asking for brownies - he said this was a joke but it wasn’t.

He has a woman who randomly messages him and I see tries to face time him, but he said that’s just how she is. He showed me one message of her saying her and her boyfriend were just checking in on him. But refused to show me any others. Why if you are out with your boyfriend would you randomly call a male colleague?

I’ve asked to see his phone to just put my mind at rest over everything which he has flat out refused and is telling me I am controlling.

Controlling? Coming from the person who would accuse me constantly throughout our relationship of cheating which then caused me not to make friendships with colleagues or go out as it saved on arguments. He has made me delete male friends on Facebook but has woken all over his.

I caught him signing up for Tinder a few years ago, which he said was a joke. Caught him out speaking to an ex but he just said he was going through a bad time.

Yes he works but also has issues with his alcohol on days when he doesn’t, cannot go without drinking otherwise he is bored. He knows me and the kids don’t like it and it has caused many issues but he won’t do anything about it.

The only reason to be in a relationship is because it improves your life. Otherwise why bother? This man does the opposite - he makes your life much much worse. He sounds dreadful.

I feel that we are expecting each other to change who we are and that’s not fair whether who is right or wrong.

Well it is certainly fair to expect a man with kids to cop on and sort out his drinking problem, not do cocaine and to not be messaging (if it's only messaging) other women.

However, he won't stop and so there's no point in trying to get him to.

This will be your life if you stay with him.

And he is definitely the one in the wrong.

So you haven’t been able to build any assets in 20 years. But there enough money for him to have drink problem, do cocaine and smoke weed?

and you feel like you can’t afford to split as there’s no assets to split, so nothing to start a new life with?

He has managed to get you into an awful position. Unhappy but can’t leave while he spends money on alcohol and drugs.

Do you work? You need to start a long term plan to leave. This man will continue to drag you down and keep you there while he gets to do as he pleases. You aren’t wrong. He is a twat.

Oh OP I know you feel stuck but you need to keep fighting and find a way out. Please get legal advice about how to end the marriage and get him out of the house. If not for you , show your children this is not a relationship they should accept and model healthy boundaries to them. If they see you putting up with a “partner “ like your DH they may put up with a similar relationship in the future. Be tough and do the right thing for your kids and you. Good luck

Sounds like a midlife crisis. He's trying to recapture a youth he maybe never had , a delayed adolescence.

You can’t trust him. That’s because he’s created doubt. Don’t let him blame you for that. The accusations of cheating make me wonder if he has cheated (they often flip it when they’ve cheated). My Mum used to say ‘I don’t know much about relationships but I know this - without trust, there is no relationship’. Life doesn’t have to be like this. You can live in relaxed home without worrying about him creating drama, getting drunk..

Go on entitledto.com and put your details in. You may find you’ll get more help than anticipated. CAB can help as well. Start getting your ducks in a row.

I ended my marriage just over 18 months ago. Similar dynamics. It’s so nice not to be walking on egg shells, worrying about him being drunk on important occasions. Finances are tight but manageable. It was worth it.

@Caprisunny yes I do work, but part time to fit around the school run.

A few years ago he had quite a substantial amount of money saved, he was made redundant and then went through depression and decided to live off his money until it was all gone.
He is building up his own savings again, but it’s his.

I had managed to get some savings together over the past couple of years, but I blew most of it on a trip to Florida earlier this year following being in remission from treatment.

@Fruitynutcase I also thought a midlife crisis too for recent behaviour, but in all honesty he has always been a dick. He has always been more interested in having a life outside of our family home, he’d rather go out and have fun. He is putting friends who has has only known for about 2-3 years before me.
I used to be happy for him to go out as it gave me some me time once the kids had gone to bed, but his recent behaviour has made me paranoid every time he goes out.

@ThisWormHasTurned the trust has definitely gone. He has turned me so paranoid that I am regularly checking his pockets, around the home, bothered by calls or messages he gets that I don’t see.
If it was the other way around and I knew that it was upsetting him that badly I would let him see my phone, I would try my best to put things right. But to him we are not equal.
I have recently contacted womensaid and Al anon who have give me helplines to try and contact.
If not I think the only option will be to stay at my parents to try and get back on my own two feet.

Ok so you need to work full time even if it means using breakfast/after school club. Or at the very least look at what m, if any benefits, you would be entitled to if you separated. Do you want to stay in the family home while divorcing. Can you afford if he leaves and doesn’t contribute?

Remember, in divorce there is no your savings and his savings. They are shared.

I get why you would spend money in a blow out holiday in those circumstances but you need to build up something so you can leave.

You were young when you got together. But you aren’t now. You can’t keep letting these things happen to you. You need to take action or you are going to miserable forever. And that, itself, is a choice. Don’t choose to be miserable for the rest of your life.

@Caprisunny It’s a lot that I need to look into, I do feel that I need to speak to someone and get support with this.
I wouldn’t be able to manage financially on my own as I am but changes need to be made, either full time or support while looking.

Thank you all for your advice.

Glad you are seeking support, things will get easier with time. Wish you all the best.