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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter enjoying time with her dad who abused me and I’m struggling with my feelings on this.

44 replies

Whydothat1 · 07/08/2023 09:10

Im glad he is treating her well but I feel so conflicted about the situation.

His abuse over the decade we were married left me with mental health issues and a life long stress induced illness.

Hearing her talk about him in a good way and not being able to say anything (not that I’d want to) I’m finding it so hard.

He gets to carry on his life unscathed physically and mentally and I’m going to struggle forever. He can do so much with her physically and I can’t anymore due to my health because of what he put me through. He will never get any kind of punishment for how he treated me and now our daughter thinks he’s a hero.

Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 07/08/2023 09:19

Your feelings are understandable in the circumstances and you have a right to express them. But you are right to keep your daughter out of that.

A moan to a friend or family member, when it’s needed, may help.

He is probably not unscathed either even if it appears that way. He will likely form the same kind of patterns in other relationships and is unlikely to be able to have a healthy relationship.

NeverMrsAgain · 07/08/2023 09:23

Same. I understand.

Original poster
Whydothat1 · 07/08/2023 09:40

@vincettenoir he’s been with another lady for over 2 years now and they have an almost 1 year old together. He appears to have moved on and be completely fixed. I can’t help but think I was the problem.

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 07/08/2023 09:44

Nothing about that suggests to me that he won’t be repeating the same patterns.

Original poster
Whydothat1 · 07/08/2023 09:48

I don’t think our daughter would be having such a good time if he was repeating the same behaviour. She has been with him
for a week and come home super happy, he’s done loads with her. If he was treating the lady how he treated me then our daughter would definitely say something.

OP posts:
caramacyears · 07/08/2023 09:50

Same here. Sending a supportive hug. There is no justice it seems

vincettenoir · 07/08/2023 09:53

Abusers tend to hide their abuse. It would have to be fairly overt for a child to pick up on it enough to think it’s noteworthy to share with others.

ImGoingThroughChanges · 07/08/2023 09:55

So hard and frustrating for you. It is a good thing that he is behaving around your daughter, for her mental health. I hope your own health improves too, now you are well away from him. You were not the problem - maybe what he put you through was the reason he was able to change, or maybe he hasn’t changed at all. He doesn’t really matter in the end. You and your daughter matter. It sounds like she’s doing well so now time to focus on yourself x

Twillow · 07/08/2023 09:56

I get you, having (and still) been in the same situation where the abusive exH who does none of the everyday support and drudgery of childcare not only berates me for how I do it, but sets himself up as a little refuge for our children when we have any (quite normal) arguments! Ironic after the number of times I have had to go and rescue them from his home because he's had some meltdown or other..

What you have to bear in mind is two things (which are not necessarily complimentary)

  1. Good relationships with both parents are important for anyone's mental health
  2. He will inevitably show his true colours at some point.

I used to try and defend my position to the children but have learned to stop seeing the pain it caused them - from what they have said over the years, I know they know what he truly is like, but they don't want it to be true if you know what I mean so they generally minimise it for the sake of their own mental health. I have found my peace with that - I know and they know he's an arsehole, but they take from him what they need to as a father.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2023 10:06

That sounds so difficult 💐

yellowsmileyface · 07/08/2023 10:09

He's unlikely to be repeating the same behaviour in front of you daughter. Abusers don't go on to have happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. They just don't. They simply aren't wired for it. It is not and has never been your fault.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's really shit. It's completely understandable that you'd be struggling with this mix of emotions.

PenguiInaThong · 07/08/2023 10:26

Yep. I bite my tongue and try not to get bitter about the 3 years parenting I did mostly alone.

Original poster
Whydothat1 · 07/08/2023 12:50

It’s difficult to accept that she prefers her dad as he lets her do as she pleases and he has the energy to do more with her then I can.

Why is it that I’m suffering from our relationship and he isn’t one bit, it’s not fair at all.

OP posts:
Morewineplease10 · 07/08/2023 12:58

Same OP.
It's a huge injustice. I don't have any words of wisdom but sending a hug.

A therapist did tell me it wasn't a secret I had to keep from my kids but so far I've not said anything.

Original poster
Whydothat1 · 07/08/2023 16:24

Thanks guys this is so difficult.

OP posts:
ThelmaBorden · 07/08/2023 18:50

OP it is early days yet and I predict that your ex will not be able to sustain his
wonderful day #good times persona, his new woman will see to that.
He is proving to you that he still can control his ex family. Ha!
Have faith, karma is a comin’ for him bwahhh

There are good comments and advice on this thread, healthily cynical.

I experienced this and found it both perplexing and hurtful : however now my
girls are adults themselves I don‘t believe there is much contact, I don’t ever ask.

Floofydawg · 07/08/2023 19:00

How old is your daughter?

My ex is a classic narcissist. Similar situation in the early days post divorce, with our daughter. She saw him for what he truly is when she was about 14. I never thought it would happen, but it did.

Hang in there.

H112 · 09/08/2023 00:51

Why is he allowed to see her ?

Thinking of you op

Original poster
Whydothat1 · 09/08/2023 09:22

After years the courts ordered every other weekend. Yes he takes her out wherever she wants etc but he can’t just leave the relationship alone. He keeps saying things to her like it was mummy’s fault, he doesn’t know why mummy stopped me seeing you, I never did anything to her, when your older you can live with me, the house mummy has was mine, I paid it all etc etc , it’s all lies. I’m not expecting him to be truthful at all but I wish he would just say nothing.

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 09/08/2023 09:35

Floofydawg · 07/08/2023 19:00

How old is your daughter?

My ex is a classic narcissist. Similar situation in the early days post divorce, with our daughter. She saw him for what he truly is when she was about 14. I never thought it would happen, but it did.

Hang in there.

Yes, I was going to say that IME children tend to look back and reflect in late teens even to mid twenties and realise the reality of things.

So sorry you're going through it though OP Flowers

emmylousings · 09/08/2023 09:36

Whydothat1 · 07/08/2023 09:40

@vincettenoir he’s been with another lady for over 2 years now and they have an almost 1 year old together. He appears to have moved on and be completely fixed. I can’t help but think I was the problem.

I can relate to that. My abusive ex has been married for quite a while now and they have a child. My pregnancy massively escalated his abuse of me. From the outside they seem happy and normal, and who knows? But remember abuse is almost always hidden, so you have no idea really. I have sometimes thought maybe his wife is more accepting of his controlling ways than I was prepared to be. Or, maybe he has got better, perhaps he wasn't ready for a baby etc at that point in.life with me. I know why you're questioning this, but you should try not to dwell on it too much.
You are being very dignified and putting your DCs interest 1st, a lot of people couldn't resist the urge to tell the child the truth about the abuse.

GloomySkies · 09/08/2023 09:43

Whydothat1 · 09/08/2023 09:22

After years the courts ordered every other weekend. Yes he takes her out wherever she wants etc but he can’t just leave the relationship alone. He keeps saying things to her like it was mummy’s fault, he doesn’t know why mummy stopped me seeing you, I never did anything to her, when your older you can live with me, the house mummy has was mine, I paid it all etc etc , it’s all lies. I’m not expecting him to be truthful at all but I wish he would just say nothing.

So he clearly hasn't changed a bit and he's abusing you through her.

Seaoftroubles · 09/08/2023 09:53

How old is your daughter? It's absolutely not OK that he is feeding her lies about your past relationship. He's still abusive obviously, but through the medium of your daughter to hurt you. He hasn't changed.

yellowsmileyface · 09/08/2023 09:54

This is all textbook "The Badfather"... blames you, attempts to turn the children against you, uses access to harass you. He's using the only method he has left at his disposal to abuse you.

I'm assuming your DD is still quite young? At the moment she's taking everything at face value, but as others have pointed out, she'll likely see through his bullshit when she's older. I know that doesn't help now, but it's very commendable of you to not stoop to his level, I'm sure it's been tempting at times to say something. That's a testament to your strength.

Tinysoxx · 09/08/2023 12:36

Whydothat1 · 09/08/2023 09:22

After years the courts ordered every other weekend. Yes he takes her out wherever she wants etc but he can’t just leave the relationship alone. He keeps saying things to her like it was mummy’s fault, he doesn’t know why mummy stopped me seeing you, I never did anything to her, when your older you can live with me, the house mummy has was mine, I paid it all etc etc , it’s all lies. I’m not expecting him to be truthful at all but I wish he would just say nothing.

If you think about it, this contradicts what you said earlier. He hasn’t come out of it unscathed. He’s very bitter. If I was his new wife/partner I would be upset that he was saying these things as he’s not indifferent. You are taking too much of his headspace and it is not good parenting. I think there’s a term for it like parent alienation.

Sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies and can’t be reasoned with - which you probably know already