Daughter enjoying time with her dad who abused me and I’m struggling with my feelings on this.

[Whydothat1]

Im glad he is treating her well but I feel so conflicted about the situation.

His abuse over the decade we were married left me with mental health issues and a life long stress induced illness.

Hearing her talk about him in a good way and not being able to say anything (not that I’d want to) I’m finding it so hard.

He gets to carry on his life unscathed physically and mentally and I’m going to struggle forever. He can do so much with her physically and I can’t anymore due to my health because of what he put me through. He will never get any kind of punishment for how he treated me and now our daughter thinks he’s a hero.

Has anyone else felt like this?

So he hasn't changed a bit and is actually emotionally abusing your daughter by telling her confusing lies about you?

Please ring Women's aid for advice.

Start keeping a log of the dates and times that she has told you these things.

Log them with your GP too.

He is still the bag man he always was.

I think you should be asking what you can do.

I certainly wouldn't be allowing his lies to your daughter go unchallenged to her.

He is lying.

There is nothing wrong with calling someone lying, a liar.

Why won't you say how old she is?

This was exactly my ex as well. Like I said, what goes around comes around.

Sorry she is 7, so young. I don’t let it go unchallenged I tell her we remember it differently and try and explain in a way she’d understand. I keep telling her it was a judge who ordered these things and judges work on truths and facts. He keeps saying he doesn’t know why contact was stopped and why mummy did it so I tell her a judge ordered it. He tells her the house was his and the car was his. I told her a judge decided who had what. Unfortunately mummy got poorly and the judge decided mummy had a bigger share because she got poorly.

Parental alienation.

Perhaps something WA or SS can help you with.

That's abuse if you - and a type of abuse of your dd.

Re his new relationship - 2 yrs od not a long time.

Takes that amount of time for many ppl to consistently show their true colours.

Did she have a baby with him after a year, or less than a year of a relationship?? Very foolish.
You haven't had time to get to know someone properly or get out of the honeymoon period.

Someone that foolish is not going to be seeing or responding to eg abuse appropriately.

If she's heard any of what he's saying to your dd, she should recognise he's abusing your dd (and you) ... Another sign she's not right thinking.

You have no idea what's going on there or what will happen over time. It takes many ppl a long time to realise they're being abused. Even then it takes many people a long time to do anything about it. Esp when they're heavily invested and dependent and very young children are involved.

I've been in an abusive relationship and it took me a year and a half to get out, and I partly only got out because I had another option (in the form of my long term ex) pop up.

There weren't even any kids involved.

His family and in laws has seen him have several relationships not lasting more than a year and must've thought "ok, this one seems to be working out, she's sticking around, this one must be different", they even invited me to a family Christmas in their home ..... People have no idea what's going on.

Can I ask what illness you have OP? Xxx

I stopped bothering with my deadbeat father at 13. It took me even longer to truly realise how much my mum had done for us and how much she had to sacrifice to be a mother AND a father. Your daughter will get there and one day she will know.

Well it took over 10 years for the abuse to properly set in with my exH although there were a few issues before that.

He is now remarried and expecting a baby. They’ve been together around 10 years.

I’m really not sure how it’s going to go. It’s gutting for my kids as he was a pretty shit, disney dad. He’s never parented them properly. I really hope for the sake of the new child that he’s changed but deep down he’s the same old manipulative, shitty person.

My DC seem to get swept along by him playing the cool dad card but deep down I think they know what he’s really like.

Definitely keep a record of the Parent alienation comments and get some advice about that.

@Whydothat1 I don't think abusers can change/hide fully. My ex has changed a lot but the anger remains at times. My children are small but whilst they do love him, even now they know about Daddy getting mad (at others, his partner, at randoms) so they would never want to be with him for longer than a week max. Eventually they started asking why we split and i was honest and said we are very different and that Daddy shouts a lot and I'm quiet. I'm saying that the truth will come out for your ex too.

I echo pp advice to talk to professionals about this. He is lying to your daughter and trying to alienate her from you. This is a form of abuse on your daughter as well as still trying to control you.

Keep telling your daughter the truth. You may have to more clear about it as she gets older or if he escalates the lies.

He won't be able to keep up his 'perfect dad' persona for too long. He will fail at some point. Just keep being stable, reliable, truthful, loving mum.

Im unsure if he is trying to alienate me or even if he thinks about me (it is the outcome none the less). I think he’s so desperate to not look bad. I just keep re-iterating that a judge made a decision. They are the people who make decisions when people can’t and they work with facts and evidence and truths. Although it brings back memories I couldn’t care less what he says about me because I’m happy with knowing what happened.

@perfectcolourfound I don’t know if he is lying. I believe he believes what he’s saying. He has no concept of his behaviour and the consequences. If I had made another person unwell (developed autoimmune disorder due to high prolonged levels of stress) I would be absolutely devastated. I would never do what he is doing.

Op, it's still very early in their relationship so maybe the abuse hasn't started yet. Or maybe it's in the insidious subtle stage. But I doubt very much he has changed.

Can you concentrate on making the most of the time your dd is with her df, to indulge yourself and focus totally on you. xx

OK, but even if he thinks his behaviour is entirerly reasonable, YOU know he's lying, ie telling your daughter a warped view of what happened. She doesn't deserve to be lied to, whether or not he thinks he's lying.

Yes. I've gone via family court with my ex who was abusive. the police believed me but didn't meet CPS threshold and they told me I got out just in time.

Family court told me he would never do those things and any rough treatment of my child was a parenting difference.

Now she goes with him and enjoys it.

I don't feel bad about that though. I've spoken to many people on groups and it seems my story is far from uncommon. that makes me feel better because I felt like I was being very hard done by but realise it's actually pretty normal, not good, but normal, and women are told things like this every day then their children handed over to an abuser.

I'm glad court is involved because it means he must behave himself and so I know she is safe from immediate harm.

Without this I would not actually get a break unless I paid someone, and since my daughter is having a good time and being given lots of material things, it means when she comes back to me we go right back to just relaxing in our sanctuary, our home, I get all my work done before she gets back and plan something nice for when she does.

I use the time to conserve energy, make money, sort the house out, plan things, and have alone time.

Any situation in this life which threatens to tear you down, make sure you use it to bring you up instead.

@perfectcolourfound no she doesn’t deserve to be lied to. She isn’t supposed to know anything, that’s what we were told at court but he can’t help himself. He needs to be the hero and the big man which means I need to be the villain and the small weak women, thanks to him I’m stronger now. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, I can only imagine the stories she has been told. He is very good at manipulating for his gain.

This is similar to the experience of a friend of mine. She had a horrific experience, escaped him then facilitated access. Her daughter worked it all out in her teens. The dad couldn't keep the act up forever and she saw him for who he was. Although he wasn't physically abusive as he had been with mum, he tried to be controlling as she got older. The daughter hardly sees him at all now, they have zero relationship.

Keep a steady course OP. It's right that she has that relationship with her dad - and she will work out the truth in the end.

Even more important you keep detailed notes of his behaviour.