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Original poster

Awkward situation - help me out pls....

32 replies

sandybeaches74 · 07/08/2023 07:21

So I've been seeing a guy for a while and we are going on holiday to one of the Greek islands on Wednesday, the trip has been planned for a few months. The only issue is, over the last few weeks I have started to realise that he is not the one for me and I am feeling more and more awkward about the trip. We don't live together, we don't see each other all that often, we are good friends as well as anything else. The trip can't be changed, I really have to go. Help me - how would you handle it... would you say something? Or not say anything? I am feeling more and more stressed about it - help!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/08/2023 07:23

If you have to go, and you shouldn’t be doing anything you don’t want to, then I wouldn’t say anything until you’re back. Maybe have a dodgy tummy or two if you want to avoid sex.

Limth · 07/08/2023 07:25

You say that he's not the one for you but can you explain that a bit more, please? I think it makes a difference because there's a huge distinct between "He's not the one because our interests don't quite match" and "He's not the one because we fundamentally disagree on huge ideological issues"

Either way, I'd say nothing yet. I'd go along, have a great time, keep him at arms length and finish with him when you get back.

AlisonDonut · 07/08/2023 07:26

What do you mean you have to go?

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 07/08/2023 07:30

@Limth it's nothing fundamental like that so I don't think we will argue, just that we are very different people and I can't see a future. There are also a few icky things at play, which I imagine will surface while we are away...

OP posts:
Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 07/08/2023 07:31

It cost a lot of money and can't be cancelled or changed

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/08/2023 07:32

Do not put yourself in a position where you’re having sex because you think you should. No amount of money is worth that.

Aprilx · 07/08/2023 07:34

sandybeaches74 · 07/08/2023 07:31

It cost a lot of money and can't be cancelled or changed

That doesn’t mean you have to go.

You know what the two options are, you need to pick the least worse. Go and have a nice time as if with a friend and end things afterwards or avoid any potential situation on the trip by ending it now and taking the loss.

HereTodayGothTomorrow · 07/08/2023 07:35

I would he clear with yourself why this is a problem now.

Is it that you can't face spending the time with them on holiday?

Is it that you feel guilty about stringing him along?

You say you are good friends. Would that not get you through the holiday?
Icky things' is a bit vague, tbh! If he's going to put pressure on your sexually and make you uncomfortable, then I wouldn't go.

And then base a decision around that.

chekaboo · 07/08/2023 07:35

Just be honest with him now
Tell him how you feel and that you are happy to go as room mates or friends but if that's a problem to him you'll have to take the hit and not go.
Booking an expensive holiday with someone you are newly dating was always a massive risk.
He might be feeling exactly the same and massively relieved too.

CurlewKate · 07/08/2023 07:37

You don't have to go, however much it costs. Especially don't go if there are "icky" things involved. Really, really don't.

Spacemoon · 07/08/2023 07:38

Surely you can at least get one of the names changed for the holiday and you can skip out and let him take someone else? I've never known a holiday to not let you make amendments like that before, albeit usually at a decent price! But a price worth it in my opinion in this situation. You have to tell him how you feel, unless you want to string him along, which is a complete dick move.

A relative of mine is currently on holiday with a guy who she is in this exact same situation with and she is basically carrying on like nothing has changed, until she gets home, when she plans on leaving him. That's really shitty.

How I see it, you can either 1. Lose your money and don't go or get it changed if possible, 2. Tell him the truth and go but know that the holiday might be really awkward, or 3. Don't tell him it's not going anywhere until after the holiday and be a dick.

DustyLee123 · 07/08/2023 07:39

The money has already gone, you’ve paid it. It makes no difference if you go or not.

Maddy70 · 07/08/2023 07:49

I would be a bit more honest with him. Just say you are feeling a bit nervous about the holiday. Holidays can make or break a relationship and all of a sudden you are having some wobbles. Still go but you've planted the seed.

You never know a holiday might rekindle

MadamWhiteleigh · 07/08/2023 07:53

DustyLee123 · 07/08/2023 07:39

The money has already gone, you’ve paid it. It makes no difference if you go or not.

Yeah but he’ll lose the money as well (unless he goes on his own) so it’s hard to make that decision.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 07/08/2023 07:56

This is an example of the sunk cost fallacy. You do not need to go even if it did cost a lot of money.

Whataretheodds · 07/08/2023 07:59

MadamWhiteleigh · 07/08/2023 07:53

Yeah but he’ll lose the money as well (unless he goes on his own) so it’s hard to make that decision.

Show quote history

That's his choice and OP doesn't need to make it for him.

AlisonDonut · 07/08/2023 08:00

If you can't say what things are 'icky' then I'd suggest not going on holiday with someone you don't really want to spend time with, in close quarters, likely with increased alcohol intake, with expectations and in a higher temperature with no escape.

But that's just me.

Whataretheodds · 07/08/2023 08:00

Think of the price of your share of the holiday. If someone offered you that money to spend a week sharing a room with this guy, would you go?

Then think of the additional money you'd save if you don't go - drinks, meals, trips, tips, travel to/from airport. That would be a saving.

CurlewKate · 07/08/2023 08:01

"A few icky things" is so incredibly worrying. Please, OP-don't go! If you had a daughter, what would you say to her?

MadamWhiteleigh · 07/08/2023 08:02

Whataretheodds · 07/08/2023 07:59

That's his choice and OP doesn't need to make it for him.

Show quote history

Not saying she shouldn’t, I’m just saying that it’s not as easy as some posters are making out - ‘the money’s gone anyway’ - because it’s someone else’s money at stake as well.

Ilovelurchers · 07/08/2023 08:02

Flip it - if it was the other way round, and you still liked him but he had stopped having romantic feelings for you, what would you most want him to do in that situation? Then do that.

Personally, I would want the person to be honest with me before the trip, painful as that would be. Depending on how strong the friendship was, I might still choose to go away anyway as friends, but I would prefer to be given all the information, so I could make the choice.

Everyone is different and nobody can predict exactly how the guy would feel. But your best bet is to think how you would feel in his shoes, I think.

Tough one tho - good luck!

GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 08:03

How I see it, you can either 1. Lose your money and don't go or get it changed if possible, 2. Tell him the truth and go but know that the holiday might be really awkward, or 3. Don't tell him it's not going anywhere until after the holiday and be a dick.

My best friend did 2. They had a really nice holiday and made the best of it. They were good friends before they got together and she said that it was actually one of the best holidays they had had because that feeling of unease wasn't present, they went as friends and had a lovely time.

My mum did 3. I thought it was a dick move then and I think it was a dick move now. Especially as she was actually cheating on the bloke and just didn't want to miss out on the holiday!

I'd tell him and, if he doesn't want to go as friends, one of you transfers the holiday to a friend of the other.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 07/08/2023 08:03

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think I am going to go with what @Maddy70 said. Ultimately he is a really nice person and it's more than I don't see the long term future, so I don't have any major concerns. I also don't want to be a dick.. so I think I'll just sort of be honest and see how it goes. Thank you all.

OP posts:
TVstolemyevenings · 07/08/2023 08:06

Will you be sharing a room/bed and will his expectation (based on your current relationship) be that you will be having sex with him?

If so and that is no longer what you want then don’t go.

Call the travel agency asap and see if anyone could take your place. If not then accept the money has gone but it is what it is.

Unless he’s someone who is very pragmatic and would accept a break up and to them just go as friends to enjoy drinks and the sunshine I think going together when you know your feelings have changed would be unwise.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 07/08/2023 08:07

I guess it really does depend on the icky things...can they be overcome ? Or if its a hard no, I just wouldn't waste your time or his.

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