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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating?

34 replies

Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:01

If you thought your H was cheating, would you confront them?

Something piqued my interest & I did some digging. I don't have absolute proof but know for sure H has had contact with a single (younger) woman and it's suspicious.

Feel sick, even though our 30yr marriage isn't great.
I can't afford to buy if we split & have stayed because life is comfortable. House in his name, no shared savings, he earns a lot more than me, kids grown up.

I want to confront him tonight because I'm not good at keeping my feelings hidden.
He has lied to me before - not fidelity related. He is extremely selfish & entitled.

No point getting my 'ducks in a row' before confronting him. I have no way of accessing his phone or pc.

I want to show him her FB page & ask wtf is going on. I am raging.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 06/08/2023 21:09

What sort of contact ? What does it say ?

Doggytastic · 06/08/2023 21:10

Yes I’d confront him! How do you know for sure he’s had contact with her? Through Facebook?

Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:13

Can't say, it's a bit outing but it definitely points towards some sort of friendship.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 06/08/2023 21:18

Why is a friendship problematic?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/08/2023 21:23

Ducks in a row can also mean make sure you're in a good position should you split. Get paperwork together, bank statements, savings statements, mortgage statements, pensions etc, before you say anything

Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:26

I have absolutely no way of getting copies of his finances. I don't even know how much he actually earns but know he's way above my salary.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 06/08/2023 21:27

Ask him calmly, it's probably nothing but without more detail how are we supposed to know.?

Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:28

@ExtraOnions Strangely, I'm not keen on him having a friendship with an attractive single woman who is younger than me, especially as he's always been quite a jealous person himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:30

Yes. I think I will just ask him and watch his face.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 06/08/2023 21:31

Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:28

@ExtraOnions Strangely, I'm not keen on him having a friendship with an attractive single woman who is younger than me, especially as he's always been quite a jealous person himself.

Do you have any evidence of cheating ? It’s reading like he’s commented on some FB posts.

Is he allowed to be friends with women older than you, that you deem unattractive ?

Debini · 06/08/2023 21:33

I think we need more info here. Has he just commented on some facebook posts? Has he been secretly messaging someone?

Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:45

As I said in my OP, I don't have proof but found something, that points definitely to him having meetings with her.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 06/08/2023 21:49

…so you have looked (as a viewer) at her FB page, and there is something on there that leads you to believe they have met up ? So something that has been publicly posted by one of them ? If it’s there for the world to see, ask him ..

Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:50

No. Nothing on FB at all. I found something at home that made me wonder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 21:50

A thank you card from her about something.

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 21:57

Yes I would. I would gather the evidence and put it in front of him and tell him he has one chance to tell me the whole truth or it's game over. Then when I had concrete evidence I'd make his life hell.

Beaverbridge · 06/08/2023 21:58

Just ask him what was the thank you card for. Watch his face and guage reaction.

Mbop · 06/08/2023 22:04

Haven't you posted about this before the other night? If it's eating away at you deal with it in your way. Quite frankly if you've lived with him for 30 years and don't know how much he earns that's very worrying.

Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 22:10

I haven't posted before. Only found out today.

If I mention the card he will know I was prying - which I was, it was hidden in his car which I used today.

OP posts:
jenny38 · 06/08/2023 22:30

So the card was hidden in his car, I understand why you are concerned. I would start looking for more evidence if I was you. His phone, ipad etc

Original poster
Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 22:33

I can't get access to his phone/laptop.

OP posts:
catrescuelady · 06/08/2023 22:40

Take photos of the card incase he gets rid of it.

LawnmowerBlues · 06/08/2023 22:57

I don't know what to say about this younger woman situation, but it jumped out at me that you say "the house is in his name", "no shared savings" etc. Surely, if you are married (and for 30 years no less, during which you raised his children!), then these are marital assets regardless. You say you couldn't afford to buy alone, but are you factoring in your share of the marital home? If you're not happy in this marriage and are only staying for financial security, why not make an appointment with a solicitor and learn more about what you might be entitled to.

fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 22:57

Mazey222 · 06/08/2023 22:10

I haven't posted before. Only found out today.

If I mention the card he will know I was prying - which I was, it was hidden in his car which I used today.

Why do you have to feel bad for prying? You could say you were looking for something and found it. And who cares anyway he's having an inappropriate relationship with another women. He's the one in the wrong and you have every right to pry if you have suspicions. It's wrong alone that you don't know how much he earns.

ZekeZeke · 07/08/2023 06:37

You are married 30 years, unless you are in th US and signed a pre nup you will be entitled to a lot.
Go to a solicitor and get solid proof of thr affair.