To send this letter or not ?!

[indieray]

I need some opinions please

•would send a letter to a very close family member detailing how they played a significant part in causing you trauma as a child and how it shaped your life and now you want to move on.
•The letter details how event that was very traumatic and they play a role in the event went onto to cause a lot of pain and deep anger. It is not nasty or offensive it jus outlines what they did as they have never addressed it before as and adult and as part of therapy it feels like the right thing to do, to address it and to get closure for this person & move on.
•the recipient has outlined to other family members that this peeps one day 'have a chat' with them.
• the person writing the letter will also detail that they still want a relationship with them just a civil one if that as this event happened 20+ years ago.

Person who sending the letter has asked recipient not to disclose the private letter to other family members as it solely is between the two parties. But is worried that they will get upset say something to them
& it will affect the relationship they have with the wider family i.e that persons brothers/sisters & their children as they closely involved in their everyday lives and activities.
the person writing the letter has tried just writing and not sending it but feels they aren't being true to themselves and has to get it out there to that person.
Any opinions would be so greatly appreciated

Thats a hard call without details

It depends I think on what the incident was and what you want the outcome to be
you will have no control once you’ve sent the letter on how the sender then behaves

It’s a bit vague - I always prefer face to face rather than a letter

Do not send it. Any letter, no matter how diplomatically or otherwise carefully worded, could be used against the writer. It’s far better to write such a letter and then shred it afterwards. The recipient of this letter could also likely see it as an attack on them and respond accordingly. This person as well is unlikely to have any sort of epiphany upon receiving this letter either and will again not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Write it, but do NOT send it. Destroy it instead.

I would not send it. I'd expect the recipient not to accept their part in what happened and I'd find that denial difficult. Also it's not possible to control what another adult does so I'd expect them to share contents with other members of the family.

If I really felt I had to get it out there to them, I'd try to speak to them about the situation. In order to protect myself from further hurt, I'd share only a little of the information to see if they could receive it. If not, I'd not continue.

No, don't send it. You've giving this person way too much power in sending it, and it is likely to cause you further trauma (can you really trust them to not disclose the contents and/or use it against you).
It may well have been a good idea to write but don't send it. Write and destroy.

Write it. Reflect and then burn it

Do you think it’ll help? I have done this with my dad who caused massive trauma and because he is a nasty arsehole he turned it round on me, I was a child he turned family against me. So he’s blocked and I moved on. I wouldn’t be civil to someone like him or someone who caused me pain and hurt as a child and them as a parent/family member. Blood is not always thicker than water!!

Write it and then burn it without sending it. For personal experience it has the same cathartic effect just getting it out.

*from

Write it and burn it.. Ime letters are usually regretted..

No as chances are if they caused trauma once, they could do it again, show the letter to others, twist the story etc. write it then burn it.

Absolutely this.

If you have to ask a bunch of strangers if something is a good idea, chances are that deep down you know that it isn't.

Whatever the issue is, it is something to reflect on and discuss with your therapist.

You can't dictate that the recipient has to keep it between you. They can discuss the letter with whoever they want. If you can't cope with that idea then don't send the letter.

This ^^

The problem with -

'Person who sending the letter has asked recipient not to disclose the private letter to other family members as it solely is between the two parties.'

• is that is likely not to happen and the person will show others.

I really wouldn’t.
In my experience they will say you are blaming them for your problems then will rattle off the narcissists prayer - that didn’t happen, and if it did happen it wasn’t that bad, etc etc.
They will then absolutely show everyone the letter (depending how it is worded and how it makes them look) to show how ‘crazy’ the person is or how ‘ungrateful’, they will then say they were the victim of the person writing the letter and make up a pack of lies for a counter argument.
Abusers very rarely change or show remorse or even admit that the abuse took place.

Don't bother - chasing "closure" is only going to open more cans of worms.

What do you want out of sending the letter?

How would it create “closure”?

If the recipient felt remorse, they would have apologised and tried to make amends a long time ago. So what would a letter actually do that could be positive?

Balance this against the negative repercussions of such a letter now.

Don't send the letter. You can’t force others to do or feel what you think they should.

The person writing this letter is deluding themselves. They want to tell this family member some home truths from 20 years ago but seems to think they can do this without consequence. They won't be able to control who the recipient shares this with and they won't be able to control the fallout. Thinking they can do this and then everything carry on like normal is deluded.

You can’t dictate whether the recipient shows others the letter or tells others - that’s controlling of the sender. Plus unrealistic.

But I’m sure there’s a lot of pain behind the sender’s need to write this letter. It’s totally understandable that they want to use their voice and be heard now having repressed the trauma for so long.

Details are too vague to assess whether the letter should be sent though.

Thankyou all
So much for your honest replies. This person has also caused me some pain in the recent months that sparked the same feelings of rage and anger from a child.
I used to have to spend time with said person on a regular basis due to a close relationship with mutual family members.
and slowly the release of deep seated emotions have made
Me not want to fake having a civil relationship anymore and therefore not wanting to spend any 'family time' with said person. I don't want to go to family events with said person or I do I just feel resentment.
I thought it I sent the letter or even said something to said persons face it would help release it more for me.
I don't really have any care for said person just the bonds I have I could potentially lose if letter was sent

That sounds really difficult OP Is there anyone in your family you trust to discuss this with?

Hi OP, not sure exactly what you've been through, but you have my sympathies.

I am now NC with my dad after many decades of angst and (IMO) his poor behaviour.

When I attempted air-clearing/closure with him, I bought him a small gift (£10 bottle of wine he likes) and took it over to his place at a time we'd agreed to have a cuppa.

I was super worried and anxious but I knew I needed to get a lot off my chest finally, so I went though with it.

He did not love the chat, told me I was 'playing the victim card as usual', did some of his typical DARVO... He tried to twist a lot of what I said and because I was there in the room, I could just hear him bluster and then say: "I didn't actually say that, dad, what I said was..." And stand up for myself, which I couldn't do as a child.

It was draining and not fun, but I was able to persist and we did sort of get somewhere. I remember leaving and taking this big deep breath in the cool evening and I felt physically lighter.

Obviously the situation then deteriorated again and I ultimately chose to go NC.

If you can create a situation where you'd feel safe to do so, then I would recommend trying to say your piece in person vs a letter. You can make sure that they really hear you - that they're not twisting it or deliberately seizing on an irrelevant bit to deny what you're saying...

Giving them a letter would feel to me like giving them control.

No, don't send it. It won't achieve what you want it to achieve - making them feel bad for making you feel bad if they don't already feel bad. They may deny making you feel bad or say it wasn't that bad so you shouldn't feel that bad. It is just a cycle that never ends - a cycle of analysis of what said person did and your response to it then and 20+ years later, still thinking about it.

We can stipulate that said person Sucks. True. Will they admit they Suck as a human? Maybe. And then what?

You can go NC though with said person if you want, without explanation to anyone else. There are horrible family members that NC is the only way to go, others were minimal contact and cool politeness when necessary is enough.

If there is a way for you to just let it go, that would be best. Deep down, let it go. It does not mean said person wins. It means you win because you released it and your energy can be used for other things.