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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused

29 replies

Cj777 · 06/08/2023 15:43

So my partner and I broke up 6 weeks ago now and about two weeks ago he moved out but since we have seen each other every day, still hug,kiss, get on.

But he says he doesn't want a relationship anymore until he sorts his head out, I am still hurt and upset by it as I thought we could make it work together.

Confused about why is is still seeing me and being affectionate etc?

Any advice

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 06/08/2023 15:45

Keeping his options open and making sure you can't move on?

category12 · 06/08/2023 15:55

Are you still having sex?

He's doing it because he wants his cake and to eat it too. Wants to keep you as a fallback position, get the home comforts and feel good about himself that you don't hate him and want him back whatever he says.

yellowsmileyface · 06/08/2023 15:55

Agree with above. He doesn't want a relationship but wants to be able to come crawling back for sex. Potentially there's another woman and he wants to be able to come back if that doesn't work out?

Either way he's playing you. Don't let him.

Why are you still seeing each other every day? Do you have kids together?

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/08/2023 15:58

He wants sex and comfort and drifts by when he’s bored.

Stop seeing him immediately. Value yourself!

Original poster

Cj777 · 06/08/2023 15:58

We don't have kids together, he just keeps suggesting ideas for us to meet and go out together, I still love him so agree to meeting up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cj777 · 06/08/2023 15:59

We have had sex twice since, but have just been meeting up for meals and leisure things

OP posts:

LivingitLarge · 06/08/2023 16:00

No don’t let him treat you like he can just pick you up and drop you. It’s got to be all or nothing.

category12 · 06/08/2023 16:04

Cj777 · 06/08/2023 15:59

We have had sex twice since, but have just been meeting up for meals and leisure things

There you go - he gets to play at being single - plus he gets a shag, company, fun on tap so never has to experience the downsides of being single.

If he shags someone else, you've go no comeback, he can say "but we're broken up!"

You're being taken for a mug.

yellowsmileyface · 06/08/2023 16:05

So you're basically still acting like a couple just without the commitment?

I'm sorry to say he's using you.

Stop accepting crumbs. Block him then go and listen to "New Rules" by Dua Lipa.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 06/08/2023 16:09

this was me years ago…. Stupidly kept thinking/hoping we would get back together as he must want to be with me if suggesting going out right? Wrong.
you’re being used by someone that has no intention of committing and it’s just going to prolong the hurt for you.
wish I could have seen this at the time

aflix · 06/08/2023 16:12

Why do you think he wants to live apart OP?

Original poster

Cj777 · 06/08/2023 16:23

He says he needs to sort his head out, previously posted, that 2 years ago he told me he had a one night stand when we first got together ten years ago and just found out that he may have a daughter from it, who he knew nothing about, he says the guilt of what he did eats him up every day and he can't deal with it? He keeps saying he wants us to be friends and that I am special and he doesn't want me completely out of his life.

I am so scared of getting hurt even more as I was so so hurt 6 weeks ago when he ended things. He has made so much effort to see me the past two weeks.

OP posts:

yellowsmileyface · 06/08/2023 16:39

I understand that you still love him, and you're probably hoping that in time, he'll sort his head out and realise he wants you back, and maybe you feel like if you continue spending time together he'll come to that realisation sooner.

Don't forget that this is someone who cheated at the very beginning of the relationship, and is willing to throw things away when things get tough.

Even if he decided he wants you back, is he really someone you can trust and rely on?

I really think you should cut contact, but if you're really reluctant to cut him out completely, perhaps you could enforce a break? Take a month or so to focus on yourself and get over the relationship, and deal with the hurt he's caused you. By seeing you everyday he's not letting you move on. It's not him "making an effort", it's him being cruel and selfish.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2023 16:44

@Cj777

You need to tell him how much this is hurting you. Also tell him that he will never be able to 'sort his head out' if you remain in his life. Then tell him goodbye.

Dery · 06/08/2023 16:44

I’ve been in your shoes. You need to go no contact for a while. Rip off the band-aid. By meeting him and doing date-like activities with him, you’re just re-opening the wound. You won’t begin to recover until you get some time without him.

He gets to have all the benefits of a girlfriend without the commitment. He picks you up and puts you down as he wants. Don’t let him do that to you. You’re worth more.

If you were that important to him, he would be able to sort his head out whilst still having a relationship with you. DH and I have been together over 20 years. We’ve both had to sort our heads out on various occasions in that time. We’ve not ended our relationship to do so.

You deserve better than being someone’s fall-back plan, OP.

Restinggoddess · 06/08/2023 16:57

Agree with PP

Go non contact
See other people
Do not have sex with him
You are being used

You deserve better

Original poster

Cj777 · 06/08/2023 16:59

It is really painful, seeing each other those first few weeks hurt like hell. That has eased a bit now but I really am hopeful he will come back. Maybe that's just me being in denial.
I have made it clear that I still want to be in the relationship and he said let's just see how things go for now.
He is going away next week for a few days to see his kids so that will probably be a period of not contacting as much, we text and call each other every day at the minute.
Maybe that will offer some clarity or a break for the few days to put things into perspective.

OP posts:

LightSpeeds · 06/08/2023 17:17

He's using you as a placeholder until he sorts out his life.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2023 17:20

He's enjoying keeping you on the hook for companionship and easy sex. You won't see him for dust once he doesn't need you as a placeholder any longer. I'm sorry this has happened, but you need to wise up and see this for what it is.

Mothercareyschickens · 06/08/2023 17:21

This blog from Natalie Lue might explain it;

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-do-they-keep-having-sex-with-me-if-theyre-not-interested-or-dont-want-the-relationship-i-want/

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 06/08/2023 17:22

He's hedging his bets, trying out the single life (and most likely someone else) whilst keeping you on the hook. You need to stop having sex with him for a start. If he really needs to "sort his head out" make him go away and do it.

Mothercareyschickens · 06/08/2023 17:23

And this OP;

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

yellowsmileyface · 06/08/2023 17:25

I'm sorry to be harsh but he really doesn't seem to care about you. He's giving you false hope and he knows it. If he cared about you, he'd let you be free and give you space to move on. The way he's behaving is completely self serving.

He's clouding your judgement and a few days of not contacting "as much" really isn't going to be enough time to see through that and get a fresh perspective.

category12 · 06/08/2023 17:35

Honestly you've got a better chance of him coming back if you let him miss you.

If you'll accept any old crumbs and come running when he snaps his fingers, he won't respect you, take you for granted and focus on his own feelings and care not one whit for yours.

Let him feel your absence.

Either it will focus his mind and he'll ask to come back, or it won't, but at least you'll have a chance of moving on yourself with some dignity.

Original poster

Cj777 · 06/08/2023 17:41

Thanks for your replies

I will try the no contact thing for a bit longer to see if he actually does miss me and care for me.

It will be interesting to see what happens as your right at the minute I am there whenever he needs/wants me

OP posts:

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