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Original poster

"Secret" fwb relationship no longer really a secret or just fwb ...

49 replies

mabelgetsme · 06/08/2023 15:16

I asked this on another board but I think it was the wrong place. Ok so my friend who knows I am posting here has been in a fwb type relationship with a guy for 6 years now. Their initial hook up was spontaneous and it was something that just kept happening, they kept it quiet and casual for various reasons, they have an age gap in that she was 19 and he was 30 when they first hooked up, he was a good friend of her ex (who is 3 years older than her), also he'd known her since her early teens from a kind of hobby group they were both involved in and they both realised them hooking up would raise a few eyebrows.

My friend said it suited her because she could have company when she needed it and yet not have to deal with a needy boyfriend while trying to focus on her degree and I think it suited him because basically he got to be with her, she's lovely and bloody gorgeous and what most would regard as way out of his league if you believe in such things, which I don't really.

However as time has gone on both have turned down multiple other people who have been interest in them, they spend a lot of time together but still play their relationship down to others however I think at this point most people who know them know they are together and many have known for years. You only have to be in a room with them to know they are intimate and love each other.

Things are coming to a head in that he is now 36 and wants all the things, he wants them to move in, get married, have babies and he wants everyone to know. My friend is acting like this is all some great big shock but my point is that they have been a proper couple now for years and that the fwb think is a total misnomer for what is going on between them. I don't think she needs to do what he wants but I think it probably is do or die time for them and if she doesn't want what he wants she should let him go and find someone who does.

My main point to her is that they really have been together and fooling no one for years now, nobody is going to be surprised or shocked if they move in together or get engaged.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Handbagger99 · 06/08/2023 15:17

I think it's none of your business. You are way over invested in it, unless the friend is actually you.

Original poster
mabelgetsme · 06/08/2023 15:19

Handbagger99 · 06/08/2023 15:17

I think it's none of your business. You are way over invested in it, unless the friend is actually you.

She's my flatmate and we are here together right now.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 06/08/2023 15:25

You've literally just posted another thread about the same thing

Original poster
mabelgetsme · 06/08/2023 15:29

@Cas112 I posted on AIBU with not much info and it s the wrong place so I am trying to move it here. Sorry though.

OP posts:
Bananazebra · 06/08/2023 15:35

@Cas112 As she states...in her first sentence.

Bananazebra · 06/08/2023 15:37

The main consideration here is- does she want a proper relationship? To move in together? Now or in the not too distant future Etc
It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

yellowsmileyface · 06/08/2023 15:38

I'm a bit confused about what you're actually asking, and why you're posting instead of your friend if she's there with you now? Feel like it's overcomplicating the point of the thread to have you posting instead.

Ultimately, if two people in a relationship (FWB or otherwise) want different things then they probably shouldn't be together. If they do want the same things then crack on.

Popcorn640 · 06/08/2023 15:38

I agree with the reply you're ignoring over in AIBU about this essentially having been grooming, and she should seriously reflect on how the relationship came about and if that's what she wants from her life.

Original poster
mabelgetsme · 06/08/2023 15:47

@Popcorn640 I replied to it now.

@yellowsmileyface I'm on mumsnet she isn't, all my point was to show her that for most people a fwb relationship that goes on for 6 years and is exclusive is basically a relationship and that she shouldn't be shocked that he now whats more and to be officially together. I was posting to show her that most people would see it that way.

OP posts:
Dery · 06/08/2023 15:49

I would say the age difference is showing now - which is always likely to happen at some point when a 30yo decides to pursue a teenager so I have limited sympathy for him. So yes, I agree - this does sound like a make or break moment.

Meadowfly · 06/08/2023 15:53

Sounds like she’s been groomed and this is a great chance to break free. OP’s friend - enjoy your 20s and have fun!!

imactuallyfine · 06/08/2023 15:58

mabelgetsme · 06/08/2023 15:47

@Popcorn640 I replied to it now.

@yellowsmileyface I'm on mumsnet she isn't, all my point was to show her that for most people a fwb relationship that goes on for 6 years and is exclusive is basically a relationship and that she shouldn't be shocked that he now whats more and to be officially together. I was posting to show her that most people would see it that way.

So is he pressuring her?

It sounds like he is pressuring her.

It doesn't matter what most people think. It matters what she wants.

It's not illegal to just say no thank you, either we stay this way or call it a day. But it will ruin her life if she has a baby with someone under duress.

imactuallyfine · 06/08/2023 16:00

Also, it sounds like you're helping him pressure her by saying things like 'most people will say it that way...she can't blame him'

Yes actually she can blame him.

If she never gave any indication that she wanted it to move from FWB to relationship, then YES SHE CAN BLAME HIM

And she should. And he and you should stop telling her what SHOULD happen to HER life

pennydrop34 · 06/08/2023 16:00

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/08/2023 16:00

Tell your friend to have complete confidence to break this relationship off now.

imactuallyfine · 06/08/2023 16:01

One more thing, even if she did give him any indication she wanted it that doesn't matter either.

What matters is what she wants now. If it's not a relationship with him then one single tiny second of telling her anything but 'great, no problem then' is abusive towards her.

yellowsmileyface · 06/08/2023 16:01

It doesn't matter how other people would view this relationship.

They're not "basically a proper couple" anyway just because it's been six years. There's much more that goes into a proper relationship than just time.

It does sound like whatever the relationship is has run it's course. She seems reluctant to settle down with this person so she shouldn't.

TheBeesKnee · 06/08/2023 16:03

Tell your friend to be very, very careful with contraception. I'm willing to bet that he's not above trying to baby trap her.

Is he starting to go bald, by any chance? That's usually when men panic and try to settle down.

HotPringles · 06/08/2023 16:34

The way I see it

  • everything FROM BOTH IF THEM is showing it has been more than a fwb situation. The fact they have been exclusive for years and REJECTED other people says that
  • he is 36yo. I’m not surprised he wants more. I’m also not surprised he is pushing the issue. Just like, after6 years together, some women push the issue if wanting a baby or getting married.
  • i think one big issue here is the age gap. He wants the family life and she isn’t ready. That’s why the fwb worked so well for her. It allowed her to be with him Wo talking about ‘the next steps’.
A question from me to her (if she is reading now) is: how would she feel if he was getting a girlfriend now? Happy or indifferent or actually hurt and/or jealous? I think this will tell her a lot on whether, in her heart, this fwb territory of gf/bf one. Then she has to make a decision. It’s ‘only’ a fwb situation and she needs to tell him she doesn’t want the family blablabla. Or he is a boyfriend. And she needs to recognise him as such - and accept they are moving into partner - family stuff. She should NOT do that from feeling pressured into it though- just like any other decision in a couple.

The rest - the age difference/grooming etc… I don’t think is relevant as such.
There are situations where older men take advantage but it doesn’t feel like it’s the case to me. Some cou0es jus5 have a big age gap.

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 16:37

if she doesnt want to move on she needs to break up with him,
he wants to settle down

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 16:39

i had the same scenario happen to me
we are still together. 30 years later

but she needs to decide whether to commit to him or not

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 16:40

it is no big deal,
she can say yes and if she changes her mind then say no.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 16:42

If he wanted to get to marriage and babies, he probably shouldn't have dated a woman 11 years younger than him who he's known since she was a 'young teem' Envy (not envy).

OP's flatmate, get out, stop seeing him, be single or date someone your own age. Think about why you were interested in someone older, or if you were groomed.

imactuallyfine · 06/08/2023 17:02

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 16:37

if she doesnt want to move on she needs to break up with him,
he wants to settle down

OR he can break up with her as he is the one who wants to change things.

Original poster
mabelgetsme · 06/08/2023 17:10

@HotPringles Thank you for your post and for actually not jumping to sinister conclusions! I agree that she wasn't groomed at all, I actually know them both and see them together and its not some shady situation where she is being controlled or coerced. I think he is reasonable for wanting more at this point and the ball is in her court now to either go to the next level or end things.

She definitely doesn't like the idea of him with someone else that's for sure! I think it isn't ideal with the age gap and him wanting to be a dad before he gets too old but it isn't insurmountable.

OP posts: