"Secret" fwb relationship no longer really a secret or just fwb ...

[mabelgetsme]

I asked this on another board but I think it was the wrong place. Ok so my friend who knows I am posting here has been in a fwb type relationship with a guy for 6 years now. Their initial hook up was spontaneous and it was something that just kept happening, they kept it quiet and casual for various reasons, they have an age gap in that she was 19 and he was 30 when they first hooked up, he was a good friend of her ex (who is 3 years older than her), also he'd known her since her early teens from a kind of hobby group they were both involved in and they both realised them hooking up would raise a few eyebrows.

My friend said it suited her because she could have company when she needed it and yet not have to deal with a needy boyfriend while trying to focus on her degree and I think it suited him because basically he got to be with her, she's lovely and bloody gorgeous and what most would regard as way out of his league if you believe in such things, which I don't really.

However as time has gone on both have turned down multiple other people who have been interest in them, they spend a lot of time together but still play their relationship down to others however I think at this point most people who know them know they are together and many have known for years. You only have to be in a room with them to know they are intimate and love each other.

Things are coming to a head in that he is now 36 and wants all the things, he wants them to move in, get married, have babies and he wants everyone to know. My friend is acting like this is all some great big shock but my point is that they have been a proper couple now for years and that the fwb think is a total misnomer for what is going on between them. I don't think she needs to do what he wants but I think it probably is do or die time for them and if she doesn't want what he wants she should let him go and find someone who does.

My main point to her is that they really have been together and fooling no one for years now, nobody is going to be surprised or shocked if they move in together or get engaged.

What do you think?

Do these two people love one another?

@imactuallyfine Yes they do

So then where is the reluctance coming from on her part?

She seems to think that people will be scandalised and to some degree she is right (see previous responses to this thread) to be fair there have been incidents where other people have had issues with their relationship, another woman who was interested in him wasn't happy when she twigged that his involvement with her was why she wasn't getting anywhere with him and said some really awful things about them both.

I think that they could just try being open about being together and then living together if they like. Nobody says they have to rush into marriage or kids. If anything they have made things more complicated than they really are by being all cloak and dagger about it.

But it hasn't been a normal relationship.

They haven't lived together, holidayed together, made any sort of commitment, integrated into each other's families, made a joint future

So yes this is a MASSIVE assumption on his part that just because he was good enough for a casual shag and hanging out together that he is material for a father and husband.

Mumsnet is littered with women whose partners leave them with no money, no social life, no darker and all the hildcare. Your friend is absolutely right to not view this redefinition of the relationship as a small thing and bloody brilliant for stopping to listen to her gut and want to reevaluate him afresh.

Marriage and kids is nothing at all to do with shagging and going to parties together.

"I think that they could just try being open about being together and then living together if they like. "

Sure they could, if she liked....

does she like?

@AquamarineGlass True they haven't live together but they have been on plenty of holidays together. I take your point though.

Still sounds like she's being pressured to me.

Let me ask you this, friend, why are you trying to influence her to get with him?

This is what I’m confused about as well, why you’re trying to pressure her. If she doesn’t want to move it to the next level, that’s it.

Ffs 19 years old is not being groomed! Can't believe the frantic pearl clutching here!

Sounds to me like your friend is using this being worried about being 'found out' as a cover for her feelings of not quite wanting to commit. Understandably so.

I dont really think anyone here can help, only your friend knows if she's ready to commit to hik or not. I find a trial separation usually clarifies things!

I'm not I am saying that it is probably just time (going on what he's said to her) that they either call it a day or admit that the relationship is more serious which she does admit that it is. I think it is fair enough that he is at a stage where he want more with her but I also think that it is fine if she isn't ready for that or decides she doesn't want it with him.

If anything at the moment she has most of the power at the moment in that he really wants a future with her and is just hanging on hoping that she will say yes.

My mum used to say about these situations "time to shit or get off the pot".

@Ihavekids He knew her from a very young teen.

@AtrociousCircumstance he did but they were not close at that point, and for 2 - 3 years prior to their initially hooking up they didn't see each other at all.

Why can't your friend post if you're flatmates and together?

How odd.

Anyway, it won't work out.

That's all I can be bothered to say.

@Dombasle She could post but I'm a faster at typing and its my account.

@mabelgetsme

Why not just transcribe for her then?

What is HER actual question?

The answer here is simple.

They love each other. She doesn’t want him to be with someone else. So next step is to make that relationship official. I suspect it will be easier to deal with. People tend to comment and judge much less when they have a happy official couple in front if them where the woman is clearly there because she wants to. Hiding it will make people think there is something to hide!

Then they need to live together.

Then and only will they be able to decide on family/children etc….

If what’s bothering her is what people will say.
Either she is giving too much headspace to ‘what people are going to say’. And she needs to learn to live her own life for herself, not other people’s opinions.
Or there is something not quite right and people’s comments are actually not far off the mark. But she is struggling to recognise it.

Ok I'm going to just transcribe for her.

Hi we just wanted to know what people thought if they would agree that it was a real relationship or if people would judge. Reading the responses it feels like there are people who would judge. I've had some pretty horrible encounters with other women over my guy. I do love him and he really, really loves me. I think the pressure comes from that I feel like I need to get it right because I don't want to hurt him. I think he's passed up on some really nice women more his own age because of me. Right now I don't want to break up and I'm not ashamed of being with him but I don't think I want to have a baby for another few years at least. I do think the age gap puts a bit more pressure on things than is ideal because he is ready for those things now although he is happy to wait for me for now. But then nothing is perfect is it? When it started it was just a bit of sexy fun but then he fell in love with me and I fell in love with him too. I don't think I could meet anyone who loved me more or treated me better.

Your friend should do what she wants and not worry about other people's opinions.

I find when I'm not sure in making a decision that thinking about having the option taken away clarifies my thinking.

How would she feel if he got with someone else and they were doing all the things he currently wants to do with her. If the answer is 'devastated' then she doesn't need to overthink what they have, just know they have something (that's all anyone moves forward with).

Mumsnet is mental with age gap relationships. She was 19. I had plenty of age gap relationships and I never considered myself in any way groomed. It sounds like she was a pretty mature 19 year old focused on what she wanted out of life.

@mabelgetsme

None of the issues are your problem, not a single one.

You love him
but he really, really loves you

He fell in love with you
then you fell in love with him too

Whether this is really two girls on the net, or whether this is really the guy seeking to get more people behind his pressure campaign - this is all too centered on him and his feelings. And on that point alone I tell you wherever you are dear.

Run.

Ffs 19 years old is not being groomed! Can't believe the frantic pearl clutching here!

He knew her from 14, it is not ‘pearl clutching’ to think that of a 30 year old who is dating a 19 year old that he’s known her whole teenage years (including very much under age).

Id take a good bet that he’s convinced his girlfriend that he always saw her as ‘more mature’ than her friends, and he having a ‘younger mindset’….

Why are you so worried about if people will judge you? I really don't think they'll be devoting as much tike to pondering the intricacies of your relationship as you think.

If you love him, and he you, crack on and get together!

if this situation is giving you pause and making you reassess, maybe this isnt the relationship for you

You can still love him and have the relationship be wrong for you. He wants to hustle you into marriage and babies and you don't want that. Totally understandable.

My advice? 1) I think this is the age gap proving too big. You are at different life stages. Loving each other won't paper over fundamentally incompatible goals. 2) Relationships that work don't require chewing over with your friends all the time. If your relationship requires frequent interpretation, it is probably a bad one that should end.

6 years of a constant dynamic, while you grow up and life changes dramatically elsewhere. That is a strong background habit, and also, most likely, become a comfort and safety net. To acknowledge it all now is a step change. It's undestandable that there is fear and deliberating around that change, particularly from your friend. To her, he's been a reliable, ongoing stable situation. But to him, he's probably been in a holding pattern, had already grown up, got a job, lived independently, by the time it all started, so his life was not in flux in other areas.
He's wanting to move things on as otherwise as it is all probably looking dull and predictable for him in future rather than having plans, whereas your friend, probably has career goals and also still the excitement of new experiences that you have in youth, where going out and travel is more fun.
Given that he is male, he doesn't have a strict limited fertility window, and he is most responsible for the creation of the situation. So I'd say that if she is not ready to change things yet, it's up to him to wait longer or let her get on with her life. It's not her who has to shit or get off the pot right now. If she is happy how things are, or just not ready at 25 to settle down, he either waits or doesn't.
It would not seem entirely unreasonable to expect some steps maybe. If they were both 25 and had been openly dating for a couple of years, then moving in would be a natural step. So slowly changing the dynamic to a more regular relationship may be the answer. Change to being fully open and dating for 2 years, if that goes OK, move in, then marriage and maybe DC's. If she were to wait till 30 for DC, he is still only 41 by then, which is not ancient as a father by any means.
It's anxiety of what others would think, that kept it secret, 6 years of an anxiety state around it, is not going to lift easily, so change needs to be slow to avoid stress and he has to be patient if he loves her, is the bottom line.