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Original poster

Withdrawn love and affection because of money.

42 replies

Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 14:45

Hi, try to keep this short -
been with my husband 12 years married 2 years. Moved in after 3/4 years together.

Ive struggled with my MH for years, and not always held a job for long periods of time. But always worked.

he slowIy withdrawn sex from from our relationship, when he had to starting paying extra in the house, as I was on long term sick.

we bought our first house and the issues with money just got worse, until he then realised it would never been 50/50 as our wages were massively different.

he'd work two jobs, and I was forever alone in the house, which as you can imagine is lonely.
he was more interested in saving for a house and all other wonderful things than living in the moment.

fast forward 7 years were in our 2nd house, we've not been on holiday since 2014.
he's working harder than ever but we've not been intimate for 3/4 years.

the following reasons were tiredness, resentment for me not paying my way, now it's because it's been so long he's fearful of intimacy.

I feel im being punished, as tho it's I pay your half of the house but you get nothing else from me. Or I pay my way and I can have the man I first met back.

he's totally exhausted but he's always done crazy hours, yet im always the reason.

I don't no what I can do anymore, as I am now contributing but he seems to think intimacy will become natural again?

im at a point where do I want to be in a married where I have to earn the intimacy from my husband?

please help, he does a lot for me, but I also feel I've suffered as his wife, made to feel like such a burden.

OP posts:
xPeaceXx · 06/08/2023 14:49

Wow, that's far too broken to fix I'd say. In what way are you a burden? Release him to find somebody who earns as much as he does. Do you have children because if you do, he has a nerve telling you that you're not pulling your weight. I bet you would have stayed in the first (smaller?) house if hadn't shut you out. So who was the bigger/second house really for? were you demanding it?

Even if you don't have children, he married you knowing you earned less presumably. His attitude seems mercenary. No man I've dated has ever shamed me for not earning as much, and i never have. I've dated some arseholes too!!!

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2023 14:51

How old are you? Do you have or want kids?

hadhimoverabarrel · 06/08/2023 14:53

Do you have children?

Why did you marry him when things were so difficult?

BranchGold · 06/08/2023 14:54

Do you have children?

What are the long term health issues you have?

it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible.

Topseyt123 · 06/08/2023 14:57

You are probably incompatible, and he doesn't sound very nice either. Consider whether you want to remain in this relationship or not.

Mom2K · 06/08/2023 15:04

Your marriage is going to need counseling or it doesn't stand a chance. And even with counseling, I'm just not sure. I'd be quite hurt and resentful, in your shoes.

Pinkbonbon · 06/08/2023 15:04

If he HAS to work two jobs just for the family to get by, regularly, because of you not working then I can understand why resentment has grown in the relationship.

If however, he works extra in order to afford the finer things....rather than spending time with you then it may just be incompatible.

The lack of intimacy coincides with you two moving in together...so it fits with him feeling he is pulling your share of the weight too.

Once resentment has entered a marriage its usually time to call it a day imo.

If the roles were reversed I'd be saying 'look mate, you've left her to do all the lions share of the work, she's knackered and tbh she's probably not attracted to you right now because she's practically had to be your carer for years'.

Original poster
Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 15:11

The 2nd house was his idea to bring his business home then we were burglarred 3 days before our wedding, so now he won't be bringing the business home, and our mortgage is sky high, he wants me to contribute in some way, but I just can't get passed the no affection side of things. :(

we don't have kids, but we have 2 dogs and a cat xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 15:12

I'm 31 and he's 35, we don't have any children xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 15:14

hadhimoverabarrel · 06/08/2023 14:53

Do you have children?

Why did you marry him when things were so difficult?

We don't have children.

we went through relationships counselling which highlighted he had an avoidance behaviour.

we were communicating but whenever sex was brought up it was " if you want just do it" stop telling me you want sex. I want it to be natural again. X

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 06/08/2023 15:15

Mom2K · 06/08/2023 15:04

Your marriage is going to need counseling or it doesn't stand a chance. And even with counseling, I'm just not sure. I'd be quite hurt and resentful, in your shoes.

And if the roles were reversed?

If op had had to work two jobs to get the family by whilst her partner doesn't 12 years jumping from one to the next, includibg taking several years out and then, expected you to just continue feeling the same way about them?

Would we judge a woman for not wanting sex when she was utterly exhausted from pulling the lions share of work?

12 years is a long time to have not resolved mental health issues. OK, some issues never fully go away tbf and presumably he knew all about them before he married her. BUT id like to know if op has gone to therapy, seen her gp, got medicated ect... before jumping to judging her partner for not feeling like sleeping with her anymore.

Reason being if she's genuinely trying to get better then that's one thing. But if not I'd wonder if she was just shirking responsibilities so that I'd have to be the one who did all the work.

And the 'woe is me, I had to stay home all lonely whilst he earned to put food on the table'. Yeah...if op was a guy, she'd get roasted here.

BranchGold · 06/08/2023 15:17

I think there’s resentment and he’s basically got the ick.

If he’s supporting you, working two jobs and you can’t seem to find stable employment, then he’s not attracted to you/wanting intimacy.

What are you planning to do to improve your personal finances?

XelaM · 06/08/2023 15:18

Sorry but if I had to work two jobs and my husband was at home for years with MH issues, I'd get the ick and not want any physical intimacy either. Get some self-respect and some help for your issues and then either get out of the marriage or start contributing as an equal.

MumGMT · 06/08/2023 15:18

I don't like the term 'withdrawn' when it comes to stuff like this, because for most they don't want to have sex with their partner, that's why they don't. There is no conscious withdrawal.

You haven't said anything which makes me think he consciously chose to withdraw sex, love or affection to punish you.

I don't no what I can do anymore, as I am now contributing but he seems to think intimacy will become natural again?

A lot of people in dead bedrooms will say stuff like that, "it will improve when X happens". Some are lying and know it won't, but some probably believe it might.

BCBird · 06/08/2023 15:20

I think the observation about if OP was a guy are valid.

fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 15:22

@Pinkbonbon

It sounds like it was him that wanted the bigger house and fancier lifestyle not her.
Career and expensive lifestyle isn't for everyone. Some people would rather live in a caravan and work minimal hours then work 70 hours a week for a big posh home.

itsallnewnow · 06/08/2023 15:22

This is tricky, on the one hand he does seem like he's being a dick about it and how he's handling it BUT I have been in your partners positon and the weight of being the provider and 'stable' one was draining, j ended things after 4 years. He must care somewhat as he wants to make it work and stay I assume?

It's also slightly ridiculous to whine about being home alone while he worked two jobs to provide. It's normally to want to move house and increase business for financial security especially when the financial burden is on one person

Original poster
Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 15:22

Pinkbonbon · 06/08/2023 15:15

And if the roles were reversed?

If op had had to work two jobs to get the family by whilst her partner doesn't 12 years jumping from one to the next, includibg taking several years out and then, expected you to just continue feeling the same way about them?

Would we judge a woman for not wanting sex when she was utterly exhausted from pulling the lions share of work?

12 years is a long time to have not resolved mental health issues. OK, some issues never fully go away tbf and presumably he knew all about them before he married her. BUT id like to know if op has gone to therapy, seen her gp, got medicated ect... before jumping to judging her partner for not feeling like sleeping with her anymore.

Reason being if she's genuinely trying to get better then that's one thing. But if not I'd wonder if she was just shirking responsibilities so that I'd have to be the one who did all the work.

And the 'woe is me, I had to stay home all lonely whilst he earned to put food on the table'. Yeah...if op was a guy, she'd get roasted here.

Show quote history

I've had depression and aniexty since a very young age prior to meeting my husband, worked since I was 16 but currently being assessed for autism.

My husband worked 16 hours days before even meeting me, but now I'm the reason he has to work so much.

he got us another dog, his idea, extra expenses, uses 8k on electric gates after we were robbed.

He will throw money at me when he can, not that I ever ask, but soon as I want affection the money issue comes back up again.

xx

OP posts:
PictureConsequences · 06/08/2023 15:23

BCBird · 06/08/2023 15:20

I think the observation about if OP was a guy are valid.

Absolutely agree.

Original poster
Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 15:26

I've always had a job, since we've been together, it's just I've never earnt enough to pay my half and be able to live.
now we're in a more expensive house, and he's added an extra animal to house.

I do all the house work etc, but work part time x

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 15:27

I'm sorry to say OP but if he's refused sex for 3/4 years then I'd be concerned he's getting it elsewhere.
I think work on yourself, find a job that makes you happy etc and then see how things go after that. I don't think he's necessarily done anything wrong in regards to expecting more of you though. Perhaps he has so much resentment towards having to care for you that he no longer sees you romantically.
Without working on your own issues you'll never be able to solve the issues you have in your relationship.

Pinkbonbon · 06/08/2023 15:28

Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 15:22

I've had depression and aniexty since a very young age prior to meeting my husband, worked since I was 16 but currently being assessed for autism.

My husband worked 16 hours days before even meeting me, but now I'm the reason he has to work so much.

he got us another dog, his idea, extra expenses, uses 8k on electric gates after we were robbed.

He will throw money at me when he can, not that I ever ask, but soon as I want affection the money issue comes back up again.

xx

Show quote history

It sounds like you're both just very different people who value very different things.

He isn't going to change and up the affection. You've had therapy together already and been told he was avoidant? That was probably your clue to call things a day.

Maybe he is resentful or maybe that's just his current excuse to avoid intimacy. Who knows.

You could try another couple therapy.
Or admit it's time to just call it a day.

Daffodil18 · 06/08/2023 15:30

I’ve had MH issues and actually doing a part time job helped with that. It gives routine and a purpose to life. You are very young to give up. I think if you at least brought a little bit of money to the table then this would help and maybe he would see you in a different light. He obviously loves you or else he would have left as there are no kids making him stay for that reason. I do think you are the problem in the relationship and this is not meant to sound mean. You can change your future and have a lot of life to live.

BranchGold · 06/08/2023 15:33

Honestly, you’re just not compatible.

Find some part time worker dude who wants to shag like rabbits in a bedsit with you.

Original poster
Ap1792 · 06/08/2023 15:35

Oh I definitely have no doubt he doesn't love me, I've always worked apart from when I was off sick for a year.

as the plans to move his business home would made the mortgage super cheap, and now he isn't moving the business home it's mega expensive, and he stopped sex.

When we first moved in together we was both paying the exact same, but he was on 3 times more than me.

and he worked two jobs, which made me feel really lonely and I think that's when my mh took a nose dive.
But I have always worked too. X

OP posts: